The Doctor is in

I got an email last night from a guy asking for communication with women advice. It’s not that I discourage anyone from doing so, but realize, I’m not the best person to be asking dating advice from. I am seriously fucked up in that department. My blog is such a small part of who I am, of my life, and believe me, if you knew me, it’s not the most fucked up stuff about me. I’m not sure why, after reading this blog, after reading all the darkness inside me and how I feel about love and dating and relationships, why anyone would ask me for advice.

I’m on a journey right now, it’s all about me, I’m selfish, and I realize it. Yes, I am a healer by nature, I can’t stop myself from trying to help, but emotionally, asking me for advice, is bound to lead anyone to disaster. I heal the physical, emotionally I will just draw you into my own selfish needs and suck you dry. It’s not a threat, it is a warning, only the strong survive in my world, as my friends and lovers.

Yes, what Brown said to me about being so great is true, to him, it’s how I draw them in, it’s why they always come back, but the fun me, it’s not who I am all the time, not even the majority of the time.  If I love you, as a friend or more, I will do it with everything I have, I’ll fight for you, have your back even if you are wrong. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I’m not loyal like a dog, it’s just that if you mistreat me like a dog, I will turn on you and bite. And if you are one who thinks you are worse off than me, or who thinks it’s a joke, well, fine, find out the hard way.

I have no self control, I’ll accept you, make you think I’m great and you will feel great when you are with me, talking to me, but my darkness will come out, eventually. When you try to change me, or emotionally control me, I’ll shut you down, I’ll shut you out, which will make you crazy.

By all means, ask my opinion, I’ll tell you, and if you don’t like it and try to debate my advice I’ll tell you to shut the fuck up and ask why you asked me in the first place? Lots of people like to do that. I won’t argue with people, I become aloof, I ignore people I don’t like, I escape to my happy place and shut down, it’s what you do when you are raised by a raging sociopath who gets in your face if you leave a pencil on the table on accident or take too long between changing sheet music during your two hour piano practice daily. When you have no one to protect you, you shut down, internalize, and become fucked up as an adult. This is why if you ask for my advice, I’ll give it to you, I’ll try to help you, I may even have good intentions, however my dark jaded world view gives skeptical advice, it’s selfish, and it only applies to what I would want someone to do for me. And hey, I’m fucked up, so what I want isn’t normal, it’s not what most people want, it’s not what healthy people want. So by all means, ask me, just be prepare for me to pull the football out just as you kick and laugh about it. Not that I discourage you from asking, by all means, ask away, the Doctor is in…

There baaaack…

Why must my single life feel like a scene from a suspenseful movie? It’s like you went to the movie knowing it’s going to be like this, you hear the music of impending doom, yet you still become startled at the moment of the kill.

They always come back, every stupid guy I date that screws up and pulls whatever crap he pulls, comes back. Like my sister, I suppose I’m cursed as well. First I’ll update on her ex-situation. The one that called her a few weeks ago that is. She called back, to find the number disconnected. A few days later he called again, this time she was at home with her fiance and he got her to call again. So he apologizes like he’s in a twelve step program for what he did to her, her fiance is on speaker phone the whole time, and realizes why the dude is calling isn’t an apology, he wants her back. Long story short, he said “holy crap, they really do all come back!” As if he didn’t believe us. I guess at this point in the story, you want to know which one of my slimy ex’s came back?

I saw it coming, when I signed back up for okcupid for the whole friends thing, he was circling my profile like a shark every few days, I guess hoping I’d see it and jump in the water for him to bite. Boy is he wrong! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Apparently Brown also doesn’t know the saying, once bitten twice shy, either. So a few nights ago, he wrote me on there, I only checked it this morning because I was up before dawn with a dog that had to pee so bad she couldn’t wait, so I was awake, and bored. I should have stuck with watching True Blood, at least those vampires only suck your blood.

You really are a very very nice and sweet women, your very pretty and your alot of fun to be around I just thought you should know that…

This is the drunken message I got, I forgot to look to see what time it was when it was sent on the 26th, but I’m betting it was the wee hours of the morning after a very bad date. I find it funny that he felt the need to tell me things I already know about myself instead of apologize. More games I suppose, not that I didn’t expect it. See unlike my sister, my guys rarely apologize, and they don’t take four years to come back, usually it’s around four to nine weeks. Out of the three men I dated more than casually this year, all three have come back now. Darn, what do I have to look forward to for the rest of the year?

Okay, back to Brown and this stupid message. I haven’t replied, not sure that I will, or what I’d say, I need time to think about it. Since I now have the upper hand again, I intend to keep it, and replying so soon after reading it and feeling my heart accelerate with anger, I could easily blurt out something without thinking and lose hand again, and I’d really like to make him suffer. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll think about it today, and as always take all comments into consideration. I know some of the best evil minds reside on this blog, so any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you don’t want to be evil in helping me plot revenge, feel free to speak up. I wonder though, do I care enough to get revenge? Maybe I’ll just get bored enough this week and do it for the sake of something interesting to do. I also noticed in this message the “alot” monster was set loose, which made me giggle and revisit her blog. Have a great day everyone!

The Rain

It feels like it’s been forever since it rained last, so long it feels like it’s sort of a cleansing of all the negative energy building like heat from the sun in my life. Saturday evening I went for a walk in the woods with my dog as the sun set. The trail I use was almost gone, created by fourwheelers and dirt bikes, forbidden now by the city water departments ownership of the property, and I guess has been enforced since there were no signs of trail use for months. As I went down what was once a gravel road made by the city to put in sewer lines under the trail, I was scratched by blackberry vines, wild grasses that were knee high only to walk to the opening before the forest to see the grass was now shoulder high. I debated going back, not knowing what was waiting for me in the high grass, snakes, bobcats, spiders, more thorns, and other things that irritate the skin, but I decided to not be a chicken and just stomp through the high grass, it’s just grass after all. On the other side was the old trail I’ve run for the last few years, slightly overgrown, but still there after twenty five or more years of use by the former property owners children which lies directly behind what was their farm land and is now a neighborhood. My dog ran like the wind, all I could hear was the thumping of her paws and pants as she zipped past me making faster and wider circles from me until she was out of sight and I’d call her back and zooooooooooom…. she’d race past me again. It’s fun to watch an animal or child embrace carefree running for the sake of play. We finally made it to the creek, about the time the sun set and I decided to let her drink and head back. We were back in a short time, I was sweaty, covered in scratches, she was full of little green sticky burrs which I picked out one by one from her long fluffy hair. It was great because ten minutes after we were back, it poured rain.

I love the rain, how green and clean it makes things, how it can wash away all the heat and dirty that has accumulated from the pavement. I stood on my deck barefoot Saturday in the cold rain, slapping my feet on the wet wood’s tiny puddles, I liked the way it felt, cold, clean, rough under my feet. The sound was of light slapping when skin taps the surface of water, cold, freezing between my toes, I knew I’d wear socks the rest of the day to get the cold to melt away from my feet, I’d pay for this little moment of bliss. It’s funny, when I moved here, I thought this was an area known for high rainfall amounts, it’s so green, lush, humid with kudzu covering anything it can, overgrown everything takes over anything humans leave untouched for just a few months. So when I got here and we went into mandatory water conservation from a severe drought, I was astonished at how little rain we were getting. I suppose nothing here is how I had imagined it, not even the rain. When we have a rainy season, it does rain for weeks at a time, I remember not seeing the sun for over a month once. I also remember not seeing a rain cloud for 4 months one summer.  It has been over a month since the last rain now, with a scorching heat wave unseasonable for this region, so this cool slow ongoing rain is more than welcome to me. I even like driving in it despite people who can’t seem to master that simple task.

I can’t resist the urge to just stand out there, getting soaked, it took all I had this morning to not come into work soaked to the bone, to stay dry and resist until after work when I have no one to look presentable for. When I get home, I can stand in the rain and let it pour down soaking every strand of my hair, every fiber of my clothing, and dance on the wet wood of my deck. My neighbors are surely to think I’ve lost my mind,  not sure that it’s entirely possible for them to think I’ve lost it anymore than they already do, but surly this will solidify any doubts they’ve had. I don’t care, cause it’s my happy place, it’s where I go in my mind every time life gets tough and I’m tempted to scream “FUCK OFF” to the next person who approaches me with their negative soul sucking energy. Sitting there with the rain dripping off the tip of my nose and lips, off my hair, slapping under the soles of my feet is my happiness. I’m lucky enough to find that today, outside of my mind, soon, a few more hours, and all the negative energy of my day can wash away like dirt and oil from the pavement from my life.

Saturday mornings

I love the quiet of an uninterrupted morning, to take my time getting out of my chair, sip my coffee slowly, and ponder what to do with my day free from work responsibilities. What it takes me to though is thinking of my future, what direction I should be taking to reach my goals, what if my decision is wrong and leads me away from it? Then I remember my dream last night, which further makes me appreciate my current state of health and life. In my dream, I had breast cancer. A tumor so large on my left breast you could see it, and I was going to have it removed yet afraid they would take the whole breast or I’d be left disfigured. In the end of the dream, you couldn’t even tell I had surgery. But I was grateful for my life and the time I had on this planet.

My uninterrupted time comes to a close when the dog jumps up on the ottoman demanding to be taken outside to pee, the obnoxious cat is crying and pawing anxiously at the jail cell he must sleep in at night to be let out and go steal what food he can from the other cats who behave at night and enjoy freedom, my coffee is getting cold. So I get up and attend to things that need attending. If you have never experienced the Border collie stare down, consider yourself lucky, it’s highly effective, it’s hypnotizing, it’s how they herd sheep, it’s all in the eyes.  The dog grabs the plastic cat dish from obnoxious cat’s cell and carries it to the living room floor to lick any flavor of last nights dinner from it, then paces around ready for breakfast. It’s time to start our day in her mind, for me to leave for work, only I don’t, so she sits and stares at me. She’s now barking at obnoxious cat, at me, to do something, restless. I want a cigarette and I have none. Thus ends my peaceful Saturday morning. Time to get in the shower, get dressed, and spend some time outside wearing the dog out so I can do all the things I promised myself I’d get done today. I’m betting I get to less than half of my list.

Where do I belong?

Is this where I should be?

I feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore, I feel trapped, like somehow, if I go somewhere new, maybe I could get my appreciation for life back. I am at heart an adventurist. I remember when I was leaving home for the first time, driving 2 days with everything I owned in a truck and moving here, I felt like it was this great new adventure. I felt free, ready for something new. Now here I am, nothing is new here, I’m trapped again, worse this time. I was talked into buying a house, told I’d easily be able to sell it, and now, I’m trapped. I can’t take off on a new adventure as I want. I can’t buy a sail boat with the profits from the sale of my home, load up my 4 cats and dog and sail off into the sunset totally free from responsibility. I do, just get in my car sometimes and drive. I drive with no purpose, no place to go, and no idea where I’ll get bored and stop. But I never really get far enough for a big scenery change, not to get the sense of freedom I want it to give me, because I know I have to turn around at some point and go back home, to my pets (who I’d never desert), to my mortgage, to my job, my bills, my boring life.

I think I was born in the wrong time, maybe I should have been born in a simpler time.  People forgot to stop and enjoy the little things in life. People forgot that WE are what is important in life, above all else, the living things on this planet, are all that matter. Not our material possessions, no amount of stuff will make us happier. We spend so much time focused on so much stuff. Stuff just accumulates, it doesn’t hug you, it doesn’t love you, it doesn’t challenge your mind, exchange ideas, or make the world a better place. We accumulate tons of stuff, we eat tons of food, we want more, MORE, MORE! Of everything!

Not me, I don’t want more stuff, I want things simplified. What I want more of is steadily in decline. I want more beaches, waves, birds. I want more grass, wind, flowers. I want more rain, dew, dripping trees and fog. I want a cool morning where the crickets still think it’s night and chirp and the birds start to wake and sing and I don’t hear a single car passing, but instead hear the exchange of night for day. I want to get on a boat and watch the whales flip and flop and groan in the middle of the ocean, and dolphins jumping and playing near by, yet so far away from anyone else that we seem to be the only living things left on the planet.

I know my escapist thoughts aren’t normal, most people are content to move to the suburbs, get married, have 2.5 children, work until they are 65, and then retire and sit in a recliner in front of the tv until they die. I don’t want that, I want more and less. Less in material things, yes, I want certain entertainment items, transportation items, but I like things simple, understated, functional. More in terms of quality, more quality in the few material possessions I chose to keep, and more quality in the people I surround myself with.

Compared to most people my age  I supposed I’m not normal, sitting quietly with a book, with my ipod listening to this, while watching the ocean, is the most relaxing thing, the most ideal life I could ever want.

Where I sit now, at work, with pop radio playing, the monotonous daily tasks, all I have is my pandora radio and headphones and pictures I can find on google images to soothe me through the day. My imagination of where I’m headed next, who I’ll meet, what I’ll do and see, what it will teach me and what I can teach others occupies the corners of my mind as I click away at my mouse designing more letterhead, more business cards, more images to sell, more stuff. And at night, I’ll dream of my next adventure, soon to come, very soon.

“Let me show you something”

I feel the need to have a “Fire Marshall Bill” moment today. Do you ever feel like you would need to be a total maniac to get people to pay attention to the common sense you are speaking to them? The simple things in life that anyone with common sense would know. Things like right and wrong. Today a woman sent me something to print, 3 pages 8.5×11, standard size sheets of paper. In the email she then tells me to size the stickers 29x4x5…. wait what? No really… what? As I try to explain I’m printing on something two dimensional, therefor it has two dimensions for size of paper, she replies with she’s sorry, she just wants them 4″. Um….. “LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING”! TWO, that is 1+1, it doesn’t equal three, it doesn’t equal one, it equals TWO, TWO dimensions are needed. Oh no, she didn’t mean 4″ squared, these are rectangular, all but one. The only square one, she has said she wanted 3″x18″x1.5″ ???? It’s SQUARE!

“Let me show you something” I say in a calm voice at first, when explaining the seemingly simple to a complete moron. I’m not just speaking of work now. This seems to apply in every aspect of my life. Be it friends, family (especially family), neighbors, men who want to date me, the mail man, my insurance company, the state treasurer, or just the lawn boy. I try to calmly explain things that should have been learned in 2nd grade and are common sense, at least to anyone with any clue what year it is. When they cock their head to one side and say “okay, I get it ____” and then spurt out the exact opposite of what I have just explained so a 5 year old could understand I say again “LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING!” I may even begin to twitch, shake, and look a little crazy, because frankly, I am a little frustrated with why I’m expected to fill in the blanks of a form for someone who somehow managed to drive themselves to where ever I am. This person somehow passed a drivers test in a state that requires you to know what a sign is for, with no words or symbols on it, just by the shape and color of the sign background… Even I have trouble with this task since when do signs have no words or symbols? Why would they? And why would I need to know this? I figure this part of the test was designed by someone that I need to show something to. Amiright?

I now fully believe 90% of the population of this planet shouldn’t be allowed to operate motor vehicles. I also believe that 90% of the men with online dating profiles are bigger morons that I ever could have believed. I realize Okcupid was once a “dating” site, however it now has options to just make friends, and rather than delete my profile when I’m no longer looking for anything but friends, I change what I want on there. Frankly I have come to find that most of the men are of the opinion that if a woman is on there “looking” she must be somewhat desperate, and therefor will accept less than courteous behavior on their part. Esme blogged about requests for nude pictures from men, a common request, I blogged about the “SCREW YOU” message, also common. I think Fire Marshall Bill should give each and every one of them a nitro enema and “show you something”. Seriously, of all the women I know on these sites, wonderful, intelligent, deserving, beautiful, there seems to be no equivalent for them in a man.

pièce de résistance

He lives here maybe?

I haven’t been back on my okcupid account in a few weeks, cause frankly, I just don’t care that much. I only have it to make new friends when I feel like it, and well… I just really don’t care to check it that often. So what do I see when I open my messages tonight? Something totally blogworth! Oh ya baby! It’s a beauty of 3 messages! Lest start with drunken message number one!

DRIVING TO ATLANTA THOUGHT WE WOULD MESSAGE YOU

Sep. 12, 2010 – 1:16pm

HI GOODMORNING! JUST SEEING IF YOU WERE ON! ME AND CRIS, A BUDDY OF MINE WERE DRIVING TO ATLANTA!HE THINKS YOU LOOK LIKE MY X,BUT I DONT THINK SO I TOLD HIM,ANYWAY ENJOY THE FIRST DAY OF N.F.L. KICKOFF-GO FALCONS,ACTUALLY I LIKE TOM BRADY AND THE PATRIOTS BEST, BUT HEY! IAM NOT TURNING DOWN A FREE TICKET,WELL ENJOY YOUR DAY ,LOL AND I HOPE THIS IS THE BEGINING OF A GREAT SOMTHING! TIME TELLS IT ALL DOESNT IT? ITS GOING TO BE LOVELY IN ATLANTA TODAY SO I HOPE SOME OF IT RUBBS OFF ON TO YOU. YOUR DOGS CUTE ,I LOVE DOGS,IN SAN FRAN I WAS RAISED WITH CATS AND DOGS, OF COURSE THERE GONE NOW BUT I STILL THINK OF THEM FROM TIME TO TIME AND THE MEMORIES THEY INSTILLED IN ME.BY4NOW! WISH YOU WERE HERE CHECKING THIS GAME OUT WITH US,MAYBE ANOTHER TIME.SEE YA…………….MICKEY

Then a few hours later….

HELLO THERE

Sep. 12, 2010 – 4:32am

IM MICKEY,BORN IN CALI,MOVED TO ********** NOW **********, LETS BE FRIENDS

Then the pièce de résistance…. oh, it’s good, can you stand it? Can you wait? Wait for it… okay, hold on, you want his screen name first? naaaaa…. that wouldn’t be right, I’ll let you all suffer and just read the message.

SCREW YOU

Sep. 14, 2010 – 4:33pm

YOU MUST BE A POS,YOU AINT THAT FINE! HOPE YOU GO TO HELL! SO SORRY UR SORRY ASS CANT EVEN COMMAND THE ABILITY TO RESPOND BACK,YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY BABY,ACTIONS,ACTIONS,ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS AND THEY CERTAINLY DO IN YOUR CASE.I WOULD HAVE TO BE CURSED TO HAVE SOMTHING AS STPUID AND IDIOTIC AS YOU IN MY LIFE. YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH CLASS FOR ME.

Oh yes, yes he did! I suppose he never bothered to look to see if I was on my profile recently or not. And yes, he types in all caps. I sure am sad I can’t date him, especially since that’s clearly stated on my profile that I’m NOT looking for. Any guesses how old this moron is? No? I’m sure you think he’s 25 or so… nope… he’s 40!

That site is, well… omg, lets just say, I’m not motivated to go back for another few weeks or months… cause wow.. the messages I got, well, as amusing as this one was, there were more. I am sad for humanity that this is what we’ve sunk to.

New adventure? or just hell on wheels?

Over the weekend I went zip lining for the first time, I was very excited to try this as it looked like a great adventure and quite exhilarating. Um, my “friend”, lets call her “Facepalm” (this is what you want to do when you are around her), is a nut job and a half! She was so worked up over the zip lining thing she had to take 2 ativan and still almost puked, yet it was HER idea. She talked the whole way there and the whole way back. First about this guy we met when we were out like 6 months ago, and has reconnected with. Anyway, ya, so this guy is very nice, and she doesn’t know why but she’s totally “eh” with him, not that into him, because she’s obsessed with some guy from back in highschool in her home town, that wants little to do with her, except to keep her wanting him basically. So I heard all about that. Then one of the other friends is getting divorced now, and has been raised in a traditional Pakastani house her whole life and is now in the US, on her own, and single, plus drop dead gorgeous, so we hear all about her dating crap. Thankfully the other chick, is a lesbian in a long term relationship and is probably the most sane one of the group, at least she’s not guy crazy, and mostly talks about her dog. She insists we go to McD’s on the way to the place because she’s hungry and no one planned ahead to eat anything healthy. So in the drive thru she YELLS over me at the cashier at the first window “THANK YOU!!!”, then turns to me and proceeds to chew me out because “you never say thank you to the drive through people, would it kill you to thank them?” Okay, hold up, first of all, I am extremely polite, I don’t YELL anything to anyone, over anyone, I say thank you when it’s appropriate, but when someone says “thank you” to me, as they should since I’m the customer paying them, I don’t say “thank you” back, I say “you’re welcome”, one of those etiquette things I was raised with, screw me, I know manners. She then says “the next window is your last chance to be polite” and as usual, as the young girl at the window handed me the heaping pile of grease in a bag, I said “thank you” in a normal voice, then she handed me my corrected drink (they got it wrong the first time) I said “thanks”, in a normal tone. Facepalm turns to me and screeches “I can’t believe you! Why can’t you say thank you?” To which I answered in a low and very serious tone “I do say thank you, when it’s appropriate, and I say ‘you’re welcome’ as well, but I don’t YELL it over people so the entire restaurant hears me, I say things in a normal tone of voice that is between me and the person I’m speaking to”. I wanted to turn around and go home right then, cancel the whole thing and ruin everyone’s fun then point the finger at her psycho abusive behavior! I think I’m understanding why Mr. NY said that if she talked to me that way in front of him or his friends again, someone besides me was putting a stop to it. She is abusive to friends and then demands the utmost respect. Facepalm kept asking why I was so quiet… uh… between all 3 of them being lawyers and talking job stuff, and then the guy stuff, I really had nothing to contribute. Plus I was already annoyed with Facepalm whining cause some guy at her new job doesn’t like her openly. Honestly, if I worked with her, I’d be screaming “SHUT UP!” in my head all day long! Just 5 minutes of silence wouldn’t kill her, seriously.

Finally we get to the place right on time and everyone was waiting on us and ready to go early. We gear up, sign the waivers, and head out back. I’m expecting some video or something… NOPE! Straight to the course! SWEET! But… there are like 15 other people besides us! Who wants to go first they ask… some little kids jumped up first, so I was like Okay, I’m next, lets do this shit! First line is a short easy one to teach you how to break and all that. It was fun and fast though. Yay! So then I wait the 20 minutes it takes for the rest of them to get to the first platform… waiting… not my thing. Finally we get a “no stop” line that is longer and faster! No stop means, you don’t put your hand on the line to break at all, you just kinda slow down a little on the upside of the line and the guy catches you or the tree has padding strapped to it and tuck your feet because you will hit the platform edge, which isn’t padded except for one, which still really hurts btw! So like 10 of these lines later, we’re finally at the end, each platform between the trees was a 15-20 minute wait on one end of the other… not cool. Won’t go somewhere that does this big of groups again. But it was cool, I want to try some more advanced courses in some other places some time. Or try one at night, that would be awesome. I would also love to do it when it’s cool outside, to feel the cold air on my cheeks, biting making them rosy would feel so good to me.

The double line is the last one landing next to that building

So on the way home Facepalm was amusing herself and decided that she wants to be like little bunny foo foo hopping thru the forest, except she wants to “bop” men on the head with a frying pan that magically makes them fall in love with her. She wants to sell this idea on QVC. Then the topic takes a turn in the worst possible direction I can imagine… masturbation and sex toys. I’m sorry, this is not something I really care to discuss with my friends, it’s just weird, and personal, and idk… weird! Facepalm goes on and on about how she’s broken her toy and needs a new one, and she’s broken 3 toys in the last year. I’m kinda of getting repulsed by the images in my head cause well, I’m not gay, and even if I was, she wouldn’t do it for me at all. She even starts trying to find out the adam and eve stores hours and try to convince me to take her there on the way home! Uh… no thanks, shopping for vibrators with my friends does not equal a good time for me, nor does this discussion, lets change the subject, buy your shit online so it comes in a discrete brown box and I don’t have to have visuals in my mind for the rest of my life. But noooooo… 30 effin miles of this crap! I may never get turned on again. Okay, let me explain why this conversation bugs me, because not only has it turned to “I want a new toy”, it’s turned to describing the types of good toys and details I really don’t want dancing around in my head! At this point my head hurts, I’m sticky with suncreen and bug spray and sweat and want to go home! I considered bailing out of the car on the highway at 80 mph just to be rid of the images and her voice in my head.

I also got told several times “yay, I’m glad you are back to normal now, I didn’t know who you were for the last six months”, uh… I’m still the same as I have been for the last 6 months, I just made the mistake of hanging out with her and had been avoiding her. I barely talked the whole time, which was noticed and mentioned several times, but I had nothing to say, not my kind of conversations, and hardly anyone talked because she dominated every second of every conversation that she started. Ugh…. Next time… No Facepalm, no huge group, faster/higher lines.

The good part is that I really did enjoy the activity part, when we weren’t waiting for ages or the rest of the people to go. When I was on the lines speeding through the air with nothing but the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sound of me gliding across the metal line. I will definitely go back, but I will go with people who are fun and will make it a fun activity, not one I have to pretend that with each line I leap into I’m pretending to leap to my death to get away from her. She wants to go to the amusement parks halloween thing this year… I don’t think I can force myself to endure that, although it is a much shorter drive, maybe if I don’t have to ride with her and juts meet up with her I can handle it. I just don’t know though.

Wow… say the word facebook

In the title of your blog and you get very popular all of a sudden. Random people tweeting me and stuff, that’s new. And my blog link is being passed around facebook as well, and I swear, I didn’t self promote since most of my friends don’t even know I have a blog! Well, they will if they get sent the link and start browsing it and see the pics of my pets… uh…. maybe I should delete those posts, or hide them for a while till my popularity goes back to a normal level? So with this new found fame, I suppose I can now find advertisers that will pay me to sit here and show off my mad photoshop skills and spout random useless shit and get rich right? That is the American way after all! Get rich, doing what everyone else is doing. I knew that Bachelors in Studio Art would pay off some day!

So on to more important things, like my sister’s current drama. It’s like a frickin soap opera, I love it, I’m hooked, I can’t wait for tomorrow’s episode. Tonight she calls me and the voice mail goes something like this “Oooooh my gaw! oh my gaw, oh my gaw, oh my gaw! You are never going to believe this! OMG! Guess who called me? You will never guess in a million years! omg, where are you? I’m freaking out! Pick up the phone!… Beeep” The beep was her calling me right back while I was listening to the voicemail. I never finished it. I did however guess who it was. Her psychotic schizophrenic Jehovah witness exboyfriend! After four and a half years at that!

Let’s explain the back story, he was weird, like now that I know things, I also think he’s homosexual in the closet crazy weird. During the one year they were together he required her to remove all pubic hair or he wouldn’t have sex with her, on top of that, he refused to touch her with his bare hands, down there, if ya know what I mean. No oral sex, nothing but straight up, plain, sex with no foreplay. WEIRD enough for me! But it gets better! He also hears the voice of god, like really hears him in his head, he tells him things, like he’s a bad person for living with her, and other strange things I’m sure I don’t want to know. Then, one day she’s at Disney World on vacation with a friend, happiest place on earth, unless you are my sister, and he calls from home. He tells her while she’s standing in the middle of the park, he’s dumping her. See, not such a happy place is it? He’s moving out right then, while she’s out of town and taking care of her 9 cats and dog. He says he’ll come by the house a few times a day to check on them, but when she gets back he will be totally gone. Which is true, except for a few things he left. First let me list what he took, 2 things; a package of frozen steaks from the freezer, and all the change from the change jar. That is it! He left a car that didn’t run, cell phone, all his clothes, shoes, books, childhood memories, EVERYTHING! Then he disappeared, nowhere to be found to give him this stuff back!

She called his parents, brother to try to find him so he could get his stuff back. I drove up there and helped her pack it all up, we shoved what we could in the little car, and told his family to get it or it was being towed to an impound lot since the title was in his name. They did send a tow truck for it and that was the end of the story. Right?

My sister is now engaged, living with him for several years, getting married next May, I’ve mentioned being the maid of honor. Tonight, four and a half years after this douchebag left, he starts calling her, not once, but 3 times so far. She’s not answering because she’s in another state on business until tomorrow. As usual, the messages are getting crazier and crazier. She told her fiance and of course he took the opportunity to fuck with her a little. Funny part of it is, if this psycho is trying to find her, and goes to the house they lived in, she’s not there! She now rents that house out, and is in the process of evicting the tenets! The hilarity that started over us imagining him showing up outside that house yelling her name in the middle of the night had us rolling. Hoping all her problems will be solved in one night with her tenants shooting him in the face with a shotgun, thus being arrested and emptying the house and killing the psycho, or at the very least, would scare them enough to move out without her having further legal charges from eviction.

This is where the story ends… for now. Tonight she will be back home with her fiance, and she will return his crazed messages and see what he wants in his presence, for moral support, and so he can threaten him if the freak gets out of hand. She did say if he’s pregnant, it’s NOT her’s, she’s not paying child support. Surely he doesn’t think she still has the few things she couldn’t fit in the car to give back to him after 4.5 years? He said it was very important he talk to her… I’m so curious, I can barely stand it.

Because I have MAD photoshop skills

I was asked to add a lavender shirt to my new pet dinosaur, and I figured if we are going to play dinosaurs, I get to be the velociraptor and make loud screeching noises, and I wanted a pretty pink princess dress while we are in make believe land.

Aren’t we so awesome now? I think so!