The Unintelligent turnpike

So the guy I met while out of town a few months ago… took the unintelligent turnpike. I really can’t say if this quirk of his was something I just didn’t notice at first or if it increased as he became more comfortable talking to me. Needless to say I counted in one minute he said the word “fuckin” 14 times!!!! It was almost every other word, sometimes it was. Now he’s not a complete moron, but this speech pattern sure made him look like one and I just couldn’t handle it. Ex. I was walkin down the fuckin street and there was this fuckin dog, and it was fuckin huge, and it started barking at me and I was like fuckin A! So I fuckin ran, and it fuckin chased me, and I had to climb a fuckin fence and the thing was trying to eat the fuckin fence. See how annoying that is, and when he did it, somehow he said it more! I don’t know how, but he did, I’m not very good at incorporating that word in that much.

He really was a nice guy, but the thing about him and relationships, well, he’s just like me. He’s so like me in other ways, it was too much of my awesomeness for even me to handle. While I’m somewhat ashamed of my drug abuse in my past as a teen and stopped a long time ago, he revels in it. Talks about it nonstop. I think if he didn’t end up with a health condition that nearly killed him, he would still be taking mushrooms and acid on a weekly basis. And speaking of health conditions, ugh, he knows he has to eat low sodium, states he can’t eat this and that, then when I talk to him, he’s eating those things! As a nurse, I can’t handle that kind of unintelligent behavior.

The good news is, I didn’t even have to have the “lets just be friends” conversation. One day he was calling me, the next, I never heard from him again. So I’m sure he got the hint that I was annoyed with him, either that or my lovely sister told him I was annoyed. He’s going to visit my sister and BIL next week, and I know if said speech pattern emerges it will be all she can do to not run from the room laughing. I know I would. Sis is also looking at moving to where he lives, crap, that means all visits to her will be awkwardness……

 

Trouble of mine

I really just want to scream because I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone so quickly in my life! I want to claim this man as MINE! Whats worse is I’ve never even kissed him! We just met last week and I can’t stop thinking about him! This is sooooo not good!

Reasons it’s bad? Well first is the fact I don’t want a relationship! I’m totally emotionally fucked in that department! I’ve been broken for quite a while now and have done nothing to remedy the situation except avoid dealing with it, and avoid romance. I’m terrified of being hurt, terrified of hurting someone, and I don’t think my heart could take another loss. Secondly, the guy in question lives in another state, FAR away! I met him at an event! I don’t know how to even start a relationship, much less a long distance one! But I feel like I can’t stand to be away from him for another day, much less the weeks on end it would be if I did decide to give this a try.

It’s like this… on one hand I feel like it’s too late, I have already fallen for him, there is no stopping it, it’s like a train wreck and even though I keep trying to put on the breaks, I’m headed for a huge collision. I have a falling feeling and I’m trying to dig my heels in to stop from being pulled forward on a downward slope, but it’s not working, I just end up with muddy feet. I know it’s wrong, I am not good, and he really deserves someone good, someone better than me. So I think, is it worth it to put myself out there? Is it worth the risk? or hell, is it too late? Because I feel like if I step away right now it’s already going to hurt. And I know that’s crazy! The thing is I know he’s feeling it too, and I don’t know what conflicting emotions if any he’s dealing with because it remains unspoken right now.

We didn’t kiss cause quite frankly I was FREAKING out! I’d get nervous in those times we were alone and it could have happened and make it impossible. For the most part though, we were around my family. I also wonder if they had a hand in my meeting him, if my sister wasn’t playing cupid a little? It’s odd how much we have in common, really odd. And she’s suspiciously quiet, not asking anything, not a word, about the fact he stayed in my hotel room one night cause I was too drunk to drive him home. She didn’t ask if anything happened. So I am assuming she thinks something happened and is all grinning and shit.

I have to get him out of my head somehow, someway! I’ve tried exercise, cooking, reading, music, training for work; nothing replaces the images my imagination produces every time I so much as blink! No… nothing naughty, well most of the time.

Sheep

Them

I went to a bar crawl Saturday night for Halloween. I am so disappointed in the city and people for their lack of Halloween spirit. Yes, people dressed up, but they were all the same… girls in short slutty costumes that weren’t even scary or halloween themed, and guys all either trying to be funny or macho, again, no scary. It was like watching a flock of sheep herded from one pasture to another. I only saw one other vampire, and she really was less than creative with it, only wore fangs with no other costume. Okay, no costume would have fit her rather gigantic size, but still, be more creative.

scared of an std maybe?

The winner of the contest was some guy dressed up as “1000 dildos”, yes, he had like 1000 dildos all over his body. LeSigh. I live near the most soulless, hypocritical, pretentious, city I’ve ever been to. Since when is Halloween about dressing up as slutty as possible to attract male attention? Really? I want to know when it lost it’s fright and became a sex fest? Or is just this city? Cause quite honestly, for the bible belt, the women sure do have a lot of fake boobs and bleached out hair they like to flaunt in VERY skimpy clothing while drunk and kissing another woman! The only thing scary about these women is what disease you

are you kidding?

may catch from messing with them! If only I’m kidding. As we left, I saw one group of people, dressed in real Halloween costumes. Out of the 5000+ that I saw all night. I’m sure there were a few more, but mostly, this is what I saw.

Me?

Maybe it’s me that needs to loosen up? Maybe I need to be more comfortable morally degrading myself for the attention of men, and in some of their cases women. Am I that much of a black sheep? I just feel like they are soulless, mindless, heartless, zombies or something down there. All made from the same cookie cutter and don’t have a mind of their own. They worship the disgusting slutty reality stars and celebrities that are out of control and think they are role models.

It’s not just Halloween that has me down, it’s a lot of things. Remember C1 and C2? I was with C1 Saturday night, she got a call from C2 saying she left something personal under the mattress in the guest room when she moved out in such a hurry. Of course C1 and I can’t wait to get home and find the dildo and lesbian porn that she is so embarrassed to have and make fun of her… not that we knew what it was right? But at least we laughed all night. When we finally did get back to the house to have a look under the mattress, we were right about only one thing. The dildo. The rest was quite a shocker. There was pot, a pipe, a spoon, a wire mesh thing, a baggie with white residue in it, and some sort of crack pipe/rock smoking pipe (I’m guessing, I’ve only seen them not handled one) that we didn’t take out of it’s bag to examine closer. C1 was furious that drugs were brought into her house, I wouldn’t have gone to the extremes to be rid of it that she did, but whatever. She smashed it all with a hammer, and threw it in a dumpster not near her house. But it does explain why C2 was so insane!

Sunday night we scared trick or treaters at her house. I dressed in  a black cloak with vampire makeup and hid in a tree. People thought I was a statue/prop, until I moved, and in some cases chased them down the street for throwing things at me. One kid about 14 got violent, but he was vandalizing my friends yard, kicking over a tombstone prop, when he saw me, he began swinging a large pillow case full of candy at me. I took him by the arm and marched him to the cop living next door, and then to his father who didn’t have a word with him until I got mad enough take the kid by the arm. I guess had I been a statue, his kid destroying property was ok, but since i was a human, he said something. Mostly it was pretty funny though, several parents saw me and set their kids up, some took pictures of me, some couldn’t decide if I was a real person or not. I was amused until the kid that tried to beat my head in with the sack of candy.

On yet another front of the weekend, my neighbor/hairdresser has been telling me I need to meet her fiance’s brother, that we would really hit it off. Friday night when I got off work, he was there on the back deck and we all started talking. We did hit it off in some ways, I could see being friends with him, but I just don’t care to date anyone. And should someone want to date me, they would have to really put forth a lot of effort with me, and be sure they are the right kind of guy for me because anyone who doesn’t think they can live up to my standards, well, don’t bother, I’ll just dump them anyway. Also, physically, he was a little “big” for me, dressed sloppy, and suspect he would feel quite comfortable with the sheep at the bar crawl on Saturday. Not that he went, he was going sailing at the beach. Which in at least one way makes him cool enough to be my friend, for now at least.

 

Which brings me back to the why don’t I want a boyfriend thing… I wish there was a man out there that met all the things I want in a man. What are those things you ask? Well first, he’s upfront about his intentions with me and understands my scrutiny in not just taking his word that he’s honorable. Did I mention he has to be honorable? I like the idea of old fashioned romance, I want to be courted, respected, by a man, not a manboy who can’t make up his mind or is too scared to go after what he wants in all aspects of his life. Not some moron who tells me how he feels via. text message or email. A big part is also intelligence, not necessarily book smart, but someone who is capable of knowing and doing good. Someone capable of reasoning and figuring out difficult situations. My list of apparently unrealistic wants goes on… but I won’t because quite frankly I don’t want to hear the onslaught of men telling me to lower my standards. I’d rather be alone.

I really feel like after the busy weekend I need to just retreat somewhere quiet and alone for a while. I just can’t deal with social things right now. I can’t deal with the sheep.

Bend over and take it

My mom’s husband bought a new car last night, he paid sticker price, didn’t haggle, he just bent over and took it. At first he was going to pay $8,000 more when my mom didn’t get involved and at least draw the line at her getting taken in the ass too. I volunteered to go to the dealership alone and get at least 6,000 knocked off the price, to make them cry and bring them to their knees. I take great pleasure at making car salesmen cry and suffer. The last car I bought I got for a ridiculous price and the salespersons hand shook as the paper with the words “you win” were handed to me.  Needless to say, I wasn’t taken up on my offer to get the car they wanted for cheap, her husbands pride wouldn’t allow it. I mean, he thinks he’s the man, walking in, using a bunch of good ole’ boy cliches, shaking hands, laughing like he’s so cool and rich… ha! I think he likes it up the ass. I mean, he takes it enough, every time he buys something. Hell, the guy lets his dog hump him, if that doesn’t tell you what a spineless prick he is, well, not much else does. It’s not a little yappy dog either, it’s a golden frickin retriever!

I think dating is a lot like buying a used car. You think you are getting a shiny new perfect vehicle that has only been driven by one owner when you get this guy. You are lied to, manipulated, truth is bent, twisted and mangled beyond recognition. Especially online, it’s horrible, everyone’s profile reads like a used car ad, a sales pitch, and desperation. Why should I buy from this site or that site is like deciding which car dealer is going to give it to me up the ass for the next 3-5 years of payments.  No thanks!

drawing from www.nataliedee.com

I feel the same way about men who want to date me, sleep with me, or otherwise sell themselves to me when they know they are nothing but a lemon. What did I just say I did to the used car salesman? Oh ya, bring him to his knees, make him cry, beg for mercy, cower and suffer. So feeling the same about used car salesmen as I do men who want to date me you would think some would get a clue? Na, they never do, they don’t believe me either, they still think for some strange reason they have the upper hand.What pisses me off about this is that I’m extremely sensitive to how people are feeling, about me, and those around them, about their motives. It’s not like I can read minds, but I can read feelings, vibrations I guess you could say. Just because I don’t say anything, doesn’t mean I didn’t pick up on it. I’m pretty good at ignoring most people until I want to say something.

What can I say, I have a lot in common with Queen Sophie-Anne

Worse than the men that want to stick it in my pooper are the ones that think they can love me and change me. Because really, the desperation they are selling is soooo much more appealing? Instead this type I like to toy with, like a game of cat and mouse, like a vampire after her prey. “oooh please Vendetta, I know if I just love you enough, you will love me too, I know I can fix you”. Sure you can, why don’t you come over here and show me, demonstrate for me, don’t be scared, I won’t bite…. much.  I suppose I think too highly of myself or maybe it’s not high enough? I don’t think any man I’ve ever met has been worthy of me looking back. Who would say just the right thing at just the right moment to really get to me at this point? It’s been done to the point that there is nothing left to get, it’s my turn to take, and well, I would rather not take, I’d rather crush, destroy, and ruin. So yes, I think it would be a good time to send me out to buy a new car if you need one.

The Doctor is in

I got an email last night from a guy asking for communication with women advice. It’s not that I discourage anyone from doing so, but realize, I’m not the best person to be asking dating advice from. I am seriously fucked up in that department. My blog is such a small part of who I am, of my life, and believe me, if you knew me, it’s not the most fucked up stuff about me. I’m not sure why, after reading this blog, after reading all the darkness inside me and how I feel about love and dating and relationships, why anyone would ask me for advice.

I’m on a journey right now, it’s all about me, I’m selfish, and I realize it. Yes, I am a healer by nature, I can’t stop myself from trying to help, but emotionally, asking me for advice, is bound to lead anyone to disaster. I heal the physical, emotionally I will just draw you into my own selfish needs and suck you dry. It’s not a threat, it is a warning, only the strong survive in my world, as my friends and lovers.

Yes, what Brown said to me about being so great is true, to him, it’s how I draw them in, it’s why they always come back, but the fun me, it’s not who I am all the time, not even the majority of the time.  If I love you, as a friend or more, I will do it with everything I have, I’ll fight for you, have your back even if you are wrong. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I’m not loyal like a dog, it’s just that if you mistreat me like a dog, I will turn on you and bite. And if you are one who thinks you are worse off than me, or who thinks it’s a joke, well, fine, find out the hard way.

I have no self control, I’ll accept you, make you think I’m great and you will feel great when you are with me, talking to me, but my darkness will come out, eventually. When you try to change me, or emotionally control me, I’ll shut you down, I’ll shut you out, which will make you crazy.

By all means, ask my opinion, I’ll tell you, and if you don’t like it and try to debate my advice I’ll tell you to shut the fuck up and ask why you asked me in the first place? Lots of people like to do that. I won’t argue with people, I become aloof, I ignore people I don’t like, I escape to my happy place and shut down, it’s what you do when you are raised by a raging sociopath who gets in your face if you leave a pencil on the table on accident or take too long between changing sheet music during your two hour piano practice daily. When you have no one to protect you, you shut down, internalize, and become fucked up as an adult. This is why if you ask for my advice, I’ll give it to you, I’ll try to help you, I may even have good intentions, however my dark jaded world view gives skeptical advice, it’s selfish, and it only applies to what I would want someone to do for me. And hey, I’m fucked up, so what I want isn’t normal, it’s not what most people want, it’s not what healthy people want. So by all means, ask me, just be prepare for me to pull the football out just as you kick and laugh about it. Not that I discourage you from asking, by all means, ask away, the Doctor is in…

There baaaack…

Why must my single life feel like a scene from a suspenseful movie? It’s like you went to the movie knowing it’s going to be like this, you hear the music of impending doom, yet you still become startled at the moment of the kill.

They always come back, every stupid guy I date that screws up and pulls whatever crap he pulls, comes back. Like my sister, I suppose I’m cursed as well. First I’ll update on her ex-situation. The one that called her a few weeks ago that is. She called back, to find the number disconnected. A few days later he called again, this time she was at home with her fiance and he got her to call again. So he apologizes like he’s in a twelve step program for what he did to her, her fiance is on speaker phone the whole time, and realizes why the dude is calling isn’t an apology, he wants her back. Long story short, he said “holy crap, they really do all come back!” As if he didn’t believe us. I guess at this point in the story, you want to know which one of my slimy ex’s came back?

I saw it coming, when I signed back up for okcupid for the whole friends thing, he was circling my profile like a shark every few days, I guess hoping I’d see it and jump in the water for him to bite. Boy is he wrong! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Apparently Brown also doesn’t know the saying, once bitten twice shy, either. So a few nights ago, he wrote me on there, I only checked it this morning because I was up before dawn with a dog that had to pee so bad she couldn’t wait, so I was awake, and bored. I should have stuck with watching True Blood, at least those vampires only suck your blood.

You really are a very very nice and sweet women, your very pretty and your alot of fun to be around I just thought you should know that…

This is the drunken message I got, I forgot to look to see what time it was when it was sent on the 26th, but I’m betting it was the wee hours of the morning after a very bad date. I find it funny that he felt the need to tell me things I already know about myself instead of apologize. More games I suppose, not that I didn’t expect it. See unlike my sister, my guys rarely apologize, and they don’t take four years to come back, usually it’s around four to nine weeks. Out of the three men I dated more than casually this year, all three have come back now. Darn, what do I have to look forward to for the rest of the year?

Okay, back to Brown and this stupid message. I haven’t replied, not sure that I will, or what I’d say, I need time to think about it. Since I now have the upper hand again, I intend to keep it, and replying so soon after reading it and feeling my heart accelerate with anger, I could easily blurt out something without thinking and lose hand again, and I’d really like to make him suffer. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll think about it today, and as always take all comments into consideration. I know some of the best evil minds reside on this blog, so any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you don’t want to be evil in helping me plot revenge, feel free to speak up. I wonder though, do I care enough to get revenge? Maybe I’ll just get bored enough this week and do it for the sake of something interesting to do. I also noticed in this message the “alot” monster was set loose, which made me giggle and revisit her blog. Have a great day everyone!

Wow… say the word facebook

In the title of your blog and you get very popular all of a sudden. Random people tweeting me and stuff, that’s new. And my blog link is being passed around facebook as well, and I swear, I didn’t self promote since most of my friends don’t even know I have a blog! Well, they will if they get sent the link and start browsing it and see the pics of my pets… uh…. maybe I should delete those posts, or hide them for a while till my popularity goes back to a normal level? So with this new found fame, I suppose I can now find advertisers that will pay me to sit here and show off my mad photoshop skills and spout random useless shit and get rich right? That is the American way after all! Get rich, doing what everyone else is doing. I knew that Bachelors in Studio Art would pay off some day!

So on to more important things, like my sister’s current drama. It’s like a frickin soap opera, I love it, I’m hooked, I can’t wait for tomorrow’s episode. Tonight she calls me and the voice mail goes something like this “Oooooh my gaw! oh my gaw, oh my gaw, oh my gaw! You are never going to believe this! OMG! Guess who called me? You will never guess in a million years! omg, where are you? I’m freaking out! Pick up the phone!… Beeep” The beep was her calling me right back while I was listening to the voicemail. I never finished it. I did however guess who it was. Her psychotic schizophrenic Jehovah witness exboyfriend! After four and a half years at that!

Let’s explain the back story, he was weird, like now that I know things, I also think he’s homosexual in the closet crazy weird. During the one year they were together he required her to remove all pubic hair or he wouldn’t have sex with her, on top of that, he refused to touch her with his bare hands, down there, if ya know what I mean. No oral sex, nothing but straight up, plain, sex with no foreplay. WEIRD enough for me! But it gets better! He also hears the voice of god, like really hears him in his head, he tells him things, like he’s a bad person for living with her, and other strange things I’m sure I don’t want to know. Then, one day she’s at Disney World on vacation with a friend, happiest place on earth, unless you are my sister, and he calls from home. He tells her while she’s standing in the middle of the park, he’s dumping her. See, not such a happy place is it? He’s moving out right then, while she’s out of town and taking care of her 9 cats and dog. He says he’ll come by the house a few times a day to check on them, but when she gets back he will be totally gone. Which is true, except for a few things he left. First let me list what he took, 2 things; a package of frozen steaks from the freezer, and all the change from the change jar. That is it! He left a car that didn’t run, cell phone, all his clothes, shoes, books, childhood memories, EVERYTHING! Then he disappeared, nowhere to be found to give him this stuff back!

She called his parents, brother to try to find him so he could get his stuff back. I drove up there and helped her pack it all up, we shoved what we could in the little car, and told his family to get it or it was being towed to an impound lot since the title was in his name. They did send a tow truck for it and that was the end of the story. Right?

My sister is now engaged, living with him for several years, getting married next May, I’ve mentioned being the maid of honor. Tonight, four and a half years after this douchebag left, he starts calling her, not once, but 3 times so far. She’s not answering because she’s in another state on business until tomorrow. As usual, the messages are getting crazier and crazier. She told her fiance and of course he took the opportunity to fuck with her a little. Funny part of it is, if this psycho is trying to find her, and goes to the house they lived in, she’s not there! She now rents that house out, and is in the process of evicting the tenets! The hilarity that started over us imagining him showing up outside that house yelling her name in the middle of the night had us rolling. Hoping all her problems will be solved in one night with her tenants shooting him in the face with a shotgun, thus being arrested and emptying the house and killing the psycho, or at the very least, would scare them enough to move out without her having further legal charges from eviction.

This is where the story ends… for now. Tonight she will be back home with her fiance, and she will return his crazed messages and see what he wants in his presence, for moral support, and so he can threaten him if the freak gets out of hand. She did say if he’s pregnant, it’s NOT her’s, she’s not paying child support. Surely he doesn’t think she still has the few things she couldn’t fit in the car to give back to him after 4.5 years? He said it was very important he talk to her… I’m so curious, I can barely stand it.

Hello Captain Oblivious

I swear, I didn't make this, apparently someone else knows him too

I finally came up with a nickname for J. He is now, “Captain Oblivious”, this is of course of his own willingness to admit how oblivious he is to subtle cue’s of human interaction, especially when dealing with the fairer sex. Last night he called to explain about “The Uniform”, having to do with how a man chooses to dress when he goes out. They must either don the uniform or they look like a manager at best buy. There is more to it than that, but, lets get to the heart of why he is CO to me now.

CO proceeded to tell me some dating failure stories that frankly, didn’t seem THAT oblivious to me, but a few were more so than others. Maybe because of his age and relative nativity at the time I find it easy to accept.

First story is about a girl he knew for a while and was friends with, or so he thought. She started calling him at 3 a.m. to come over and “hang out”, now I know what everyone thinks… Three a.m. = booty call right? That is my clear interpretation of it as well, I’d never call someone at that hour unless I was serioiusly in distress and couldn’t be alone, or needed a ride home because I really couldn’t drive, but I wouldn’t ask them to stay, and not in my bed. You see where I’m going with this? CO was called to “hang out” and stay the night, even invited to stay in her bed with him, to which he didn’t undress in the slightest and each inch she crept closer to him he crept closer to the edge of the bed, until in fact, he fell off. The next time she did this, she went to go “change” and came back in her bra and panties and clued him in stating, how she could be more obvious. So… okay, I’ll give him that one, three a.m. “hang out”, sleep in my bed, is a clear signal of a booty call, hell the Black Eyed Peas have a song about it. Hello Captain Oblivious!

He told me about a story of when he was a freshman in college and during a dorm party, people would put coats and such items in a “nonparty” room. A girl had put her stuff in his room, and through out the part kept needing to go get various items, alone… with him. I’m guessing she had been flirting pretty obviously with him, but he didn’t catch the cue’s. End of the night comes around and as her friends are leaving her behind and he’s asking if she’s okay to walk home alone, she runs off with a scowl, leaving him thinking she’s mad at her friends. Uh.. nope, mad at him, for being so oblivious to her signals. Pretty funny I think as he found out the next day how angry she was.

There is another story about a girl he hung out with a lot for quite a long time in fact, he thought again, just friends. But they’d go out, nothing romantic would happen, and eventually one night she was too drunk to drive home, so he had her stay at his apartment. I hope I remember this right, but somehow he was kind of thrown against the wall and once again, asked how he could be so oblivious, and asked what he wanted. Clothes came off, he was speechless. This story I can sympathize with most, I think, in such a situation, I’d be somewhat clueless as well. I look at this situation as if him and I were friends and he did this with me, seriously, I’m pretty perceptive of how people feel, but if there was no prior physical attempts at affection, it would catch me totally off guard. But I think in prior blogs we’ve established someone just suddenly wanting casual sex from me, or going straight to a sexual relationship from out of nowhere isn’t my style, I guess other people do, maybe I’m clueless too for not ever quite understanding how that works.

Now, as a woman, I suppose I’m different in some ways, and pretty typical in others. I’m not likely to make the first move as far as physical affection outside of friendship type affection. I’m also not typical in that I’m not subtle when I do like someone, and am more than likely to make my intentions known up front. If someone hasn’t responded to subtle cues within a few hours, I’m likely to ask “well aren’t ya gonna kiss me?”, but they would also know, before we were in that setting if this was a date, or just friendship I was seeking. I try to be clear about my intentions with everyone up front. Not that people don’t change their minds, we all do it, I know it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, I do it almost hourly about everything, as witnessed by many here.

No, I’m not trying to make CO feel better. He is oblivious, to some extent, and well… I’m not so sure I’m much better, at least at some of these situations. I mean, if someone says we are friends, that is my assumption until they tell me or show me CLEARLY otherwise. And then, if some dynamic of a relationship has changed, into more, or less, I want to talk about it, set clear boundaries, know what the intentions are. I mean, I’ve said it over and over again in my blog, I don’t understand what is so hard about being honest and just talking to people, it really would avoid so many misunderstandings in life. I think my clear cut way of dealing with people avoids a lot of bullshit, but also leaves me caught off guard at times when other people aren’t so clear with intentions. I’ve told CO my intentions with him are friendship, someone to do fun things with, and honestly, as selfish as it is, he makes me feel better. I wonder however, what he gets out of this from me? Huh… that just occurred to me to be curious.

I’ll send him the link to this, so he can comment further on the state of oblivion he lives in, and defend himself, it’s only fair. But, along with the link is more insight into how batshitcrazy I really am, more depth into the things that happened recently, not all of it, but some more than I’ve been able to offer, or care to discuss at the moment. I may post more later on other subjects going on in my life, yes, I do have other things, hush people, I know I’ve secluded myself a bit lately, but I’m working on it. Work has been so busy this week I’ve had little idle time to do much writing as I would like, or to even look for a job. What time I do have, we’ll blame wasting it on emailing CO back and forth. Hey, gotta have priorities right?

holyhangover batman…

When I had a actual hangover yesterday, I posted “holyhangover batman” as my facebook status, my sister’s reply was “Hangovers are like men, the best way to get over one is to get under a new one, drink up bitches!” It made me laugh. Although my reply was something along the lines of reminding her of a bad hangover she had once where the only “getting under another one” was to get back under the covers after puking again and going back to sleep. I thought about the breakup hangover and realized the depth of the hangover depends on how you should react. Sometimes, you get under a new one, and it’s easy, sometimes you puke and get back under the covers for a while, hide so to speak, so that you can recover while drinking a ton of gatorade (which would be spending time with friends in the case of a man hangover). If you use hair of the dog to recover from a bad hangover, you will eventually have to face the hangover when you stop drinking… Is love like getting drunk?

Dating without getting over my broken heart was doing exactly like drinking to get over my hangover, eventually when I stopped, I felt the hangover. I had to crawl under my covers and sleep it off, then I re-hydrated by hanging out with my friends again. I think I’m still hydrating, not ready to drink from the pool of men again, but I’m starting to crave it again, like an alcoholic craves a drink even years after they have had one. I know however it won’t be a good thing for me, so I am refraining from that urge to drink. Well, not alcohol anyway, just the nectar of men, because that hangover doesn’t compare to the one I had yesterday from drinking way too much vodka.

It’s not that I’m afraid of having my heart broke again, I actually recently got over that fear, which is how I allowed it to happen in the first place. I do realize I’d rather have a broken heart than feel nothing at all, how I was for a very long time. I realize that feeling this, hangover, is in fact feeling something, and I would rather feel it than feel nothing. If I turn on the fear again, block it out, become numb again, I could just go date again, but it would mean nothing. I want to feel not only the pain of the hangover, but I want to feel drunk in love again. So, for now, I’ll continue to hydrate myself in an effort to rid myself of this hangover, so that someday I can get drunk again.

How about a fresh pot of steaming…

Well, steaming, STEAM! I got one of those spam emails this morning, I swear I’ve unsubscribed a few times, they go away about a week and then come back. I’ve mentioned them before, the “dating guru” people. This one really got under my skin, REALLY irritated me. I sat here reading it, picking it apart, every bit of what he said was against everything I believe in. He says he speaks for all men, when really, he speaks for himself, his kind of man, which makes me so glad it’s not the type of man I want. I’m sure some of you men out there and even some women agree with him, I however find what he has to say to be a huge part of what is wrong with relationships, why marriages fail, in this country. I’ll get into that in a minute.

He says in this email ” “Eat, Pray, Love” has been on my mind recently. Not in the least because of the big billboard right outside my house, which says: “You Don’t Need a Man. You Need a Champion.” You like the way that sounds, don’t you? Well, if this line speaks to you… If this is the way you truly feel about relationships… If you really resonate with this and are holding out for no less than your own hero… You’re most likely making a HUGE mistake.” I want to scream at him, ‘HOW DARE YOU!’, but I keep reading, and it gets worse, my rage, seething, and anger are about to peak.

would be nice though... no?

“That’s what you’re holding out for in a man. Fair enough. So, for a moment, I’d like you to imagine a movie designed specifically for men. Not an action movie, not a horror movie. A movie about one man’s perfect love. After years of being trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage to a woman who didn’t want to have a baby, Alex leaves his wife to go find himself. Distraught, he decides to have an adventure. He drives to Vegas. He flies to Ibiza. He journeys to Thailand. Until finally, he discovers the woman who gives him everything he needs. He writes a book: “Drink, Play, F@#%”. Howard Stern and Maxim magazine promote the hell out of it, and Alex sells the movie rights. Soon, it’s in a theater near you. You won’t see it, of course, but you can’t miss the ubiquitous billboards: “You don’t need a woman. You need a pornstar who cooks.” ” All I can think, is this guy has to be kidding, I don’t know many men, at least REAL men who want a pornstar who cooks. What man wants something that is always THAT easy? THIS kind of man, I don’t want in my life. I know without a doubt, not all men, not even most men, feel this way. Maybe a few of you on here do, so I’m not excluding some men, but, let me say, without a doubt, this is not what I want in my life. Not to mention, if the character he described about hating his wife and a sexless marriage is what you are in, omg, DO SOMETHING about it! Holy cow, I can’t even believe these words he said! Of course, it only gets worse…

“Men really DO want the Supermodel/Top Chef/Rhodes Scholar. Women really DO want a hero and a champion. And yet, in order to find happiness, we both must relax our fantasies a little bit. Not because they don’t feel great. They do. The reason to relax your fantasies is because they’re unrealistic, and they almost invariably lead to disappointment.” See, here’s the thing, he makes the assumption that by wanting MY hero, my prince charming, I expect him to be perfect. I don’t expect perfection, far from it, but I’m not willing to live a dull, unfulfilling life with someone who less than meets my expectations because I’m so desperate to not be alone.  I’ve been there, done that, I’ve settled for what this author suggests, it also, doesn’t end well, it ends with me hurting this poor schmuck, because this guy, isn’t what I want. If the “normal” guy wants the pornstar that cooks, but settles for me, and I want a hero and settle for him, neither of us is happy. But I don’t want a ‘hero’, and the guy I want, doesn’t want a pornstar, what we want is eachother, the one we are meant to be with. I think this guy doesn’t get it when he “coaches” women, we want the one that draws us like a magnet, the one that feels the same about us. Maybe there are also a small percentage of women out there who do have unreal expectations, maybe I’m the one who’s different in what my fairytale ending is composed of. I encourage the women to speak up, do you want tall dark and handsome, six figure income, a hero to save you, nobel prize winner, all that and a bag of chips? Or do you just want to find the right one for you, the one that other people may not see anything but ordinary, but was created just for you? I think there is a GREAT misunderstanding with these so called dating coaches/guru’s about what women want. When we turn down guy after guy, it’s not that we are being too picky, it’s that the chemistry just isn’t there, and it’s not something you can force. Yes, you can settle, which is what he encourages, so he is right, and makes money. He also encourages you to change who you are, says you won’t ever find what you are looking for, so you should change to what the man wants… WHAT? That pisses me off.

I blogged about it here,http://driven2batshitcrazy.wordpress.com/2010/08/28/is-love-a-fairytale/ , and as much as I think about it, I still stand by my convictions. Romantic, crazy, foolish, unrealistic… maybe, but I’d rather be all those things than settle and be unhappy and then have to divorce someone, travel around, write a book that becomes a movie and have some guru tell the world I should have stayed with the unhappy marriage that I settled for in the first place. Sorry dude, time to unsubscribe… again.