The one thing that I can’t figure out

I feel like I’ve spent my life figuring things out, how to do certain things, to be successful at each individual thing. That’s the way life is supposed to work right? First you master eating solid foods, walking, talking, reading, friends, higher learning, career, love and family… then you start to work on some of the harder stuff. The all important “why am I here?” as in, this planet, not this house, although that does come into play along the way.

But the thing is this, I’ve never gotten there. I’ve never made it past career. Maybe things don’t always go in that exact order, but that’s the thing, this is where I’ve gotten stuck. Somehow, I skipped it and started working on the whole “why am I here?” question. Probably because I didn’t want to face the one I skipped. And then, I keep looking back, feeling like the one reason I am here is for love, and yet it’s the one thing that completely eludes me, the thing that slips through my fingers and at times stomps on my heart and laughs as it walks off hand in hand with one of my friends.

Every man I meet now is so wrong for me, I just know it, instantly, most of the time before they open their mouths. I feel nothing for them but simple friendship, or in many cases revulsion (lets face it, when you get older, what’s  left are the “my mommy didn’t love me enough” issues that I’m not down with).  Yet I want to feel more for someone, like I did when I was younger, like I still do when I think about the one I lost. Not as in I feel that way now, but I remember how it was. I think sometimes it’s karmic payback for hurting someone so deeply. To spend my whole life wanting what I can’t have.

I look around, at my friends and families relationships, and I see such little real love. I see cheaters, liars, drug abuse, convenience, obligation and secrets, so many secrets. Then I go to work, and hear secrets of my patients. The mistress in the waiting room while the wife asks me how he got to the hospital. The wife who asks “who called 911 if he was unconscious?” and I have to tell her to talk to the police because I can’t face telling her the person who called 911 was a hooker who ran out the back door. She devoted her whole life to a lie and as soon as she turned her back, look what he did! I obviously can’t tell whole stories here, it’s against the law, but these are things I see at work every day. I don’t see the devoted husband who had a heart attack making love to his wife of 40 years. And so I ask myself, is it possible? If these people can’t find it, and neither can I, is it possible at all? Can anyone? Who am I, how am I so special that if so few other people can find that one in a million spark of real love with someone, that I should?

So I ask myself again, why am I here? What is my purpose? I know many will say I should pray about it, ask god. I don’t think I believe in god, I’m truly agnostic in the sense that I see no evidence of god, I never have. I use to pray when I was younger, because I thought it was what you were supposed to do, that and most kids live on that magical thinking, but not once were my prayers answered. Nothing ever changed in my life that I didn’t change myself.

I tell one of my good friends to find happiness within her self. I’m such a hypocrite. I don’t think I’ve really felt happy in a long time. Yes, I think I have peace to a degree, I’m comfortable in my routine, there is zero drama in my life. But there is no joy. So where I stand now is, I’ve met all my life goals; own house (check), new car (check), education (check, check, check), dream job (check),  except… love of my life (   )…yes, that’s an empty check box. What makes it worse I think, is that I know looking for it, trying to make it work with someone else doing the same thing, never works, I’ve been there. But I’m also so use to working towards a goal I know how to meet. All of my check boxes are tangible things with steps to reach each goal. There is no step to finding true love, it either happens or it doesn’t.  So here I sit, waiting and wondering, what’s left for my life?

Technology hates me

 

It's good to read I'm not the only one this phone hates, it has serious issues and will undergo water therapy in the lake this weekend!

Last night my phone crapped out. It’s always had issues, I mean, the fact that after every 44th text message sent you have to turn it off and back on again has always been a pain in the ass, and an issue Samsung has known about since it’s been on the market. But apparently they now also know that the touch screen dies leaving the users files lost and gone forever. There is no fix for it, you can’t recalibrate, the whole screen is off an inch! So the little dial, contacts, and messaging buttons are of no use to you since they are so low on the screen. I couldn’t get into my menu to do anything. I finally gave up and so did the att rep. Goodbye Samsung! Hello LG!

New LG Encore

So this is what I got. It’s smaller, touch screen (which takes some getting use to). ATT has decided that the data I use for my unlimited data plan currently isn’t the same data as an android or iphone uses, so I have to pay more $15 more a month and have limited data if I want to switch to one of those phones? Uh, how about no, how about I buy a jail broken one, put my sim card in it, and just use the frickin unlimited data? Jerks. Same data! Same exact data, they just don’t want to allow me to have one of those phones on unlimited data because I’ll use a hell of a lot more! So pisses me off really bad! But for now, I have this little thing, if it can last a year, I’ll get an android and just pop my sim card in it and they can kiss my ass.

 

Speaking of how much technology hates me, I’ve had to refresh this page and every web page 3 times in the last 10 minutes. I’m thinking I may want to just turn everything off for the rest of the day and open a book! Why do I seem to have “bad technology” days? Really? Is it possible to just have days where every electronic someone owns to go haywire on them? Cause it happens to me A LOT! I’m waiting for the next item to break. GPS? Car? Computer is new, it better not, oh… I know! my Router! ha! I beat that game, I have a back up router! IN YOUR FACE TECHNOLOGY! okay, maybe I shouldda whispered that, and then knocked on some wood, or er, something. That was just bad karma wasn’t it? Crap, my car is next isn’t it? Yup, it’s the weekend, so whatever breaks will be something I have to wait to fix till Monday. FML.

 

Impressive, I know

Yes, I’m bored at work, this is what I do when I’m bored at work.

You think that’s badass?

That’s right!

This is just a travesty, we all know my devotion to BEING the Velociraptor, and now I only last one minute and 16 seconds… they clearly didn’t ask ME the right questions. There is no way this is correct. I’d beat that dino’s ass!

It’s always been him

Did you ever have someone that touched you in a way that no one else ever has? That is “The artist” for me. He was my high-school sweetheart I guess you could say. We met when I was 15, he was 14… but of course he lied and said he was 15, at that age, guys never want to be younger than the girl they like. We instantly knew each other, it was always comfortable. I don’t remember a lot of details because I did a lot of “experimentation” back then, my memory is foggy. I do remember making out with him in my bedroom, in the game room, and all over my house. I never had sex with him though, it wasn’t that I was a virgin (long story, I won’t ever go into), but I wasn’t ready, I loved him, too much, so much that I couldn’t handle what I felt at such a young age. I was selfish, as I still am, I wanted him for myself, but didn’t want to have him in that way.

 

We didn't go, but we couldda looked all cute like this, love the 90's...

The artist was my best friend in the world, we talked on the phone daily for hours. No matter how bad my day was, no matter how much I cried, he made me smile, he made me forget it all, and no matter what, he understood and took my side. There was  a girl that was my friend once, she use to take me to see him on her moped on the service road along a major busy highway against traffic. One day we got into a fight over who was wearing the only helmet on the way back, I threw the helmet at her, I wasn’t wearing the stupid thing, and it all went to hell from there where she was concerned. It turned out she wanted the artist when we had met him, but I claimed him as “mine” and he only had eyes for me. She later turned into my high-school bully… I know, shocking that I had a bully considering who I am today. She asked him to homecoming shortly after that, we didn’t even go to the same school, he of course told me and told her no. On new years eve we couldn’t be together, something about him being grounded I think, and I had met a guy from another school, and cheated on him. Hold up… I didn’t sleep with the guy! I just made out with him for like an hour, he was a very cool guy! But needless to say, I felt horrible the next day, I told the artist what I had done. He was furious with me, he said he’d cheat on me three times to teach me a lesson. I don’t know that he did, as we grew up, he said he was just bluffing, but I don’t know if that was to spare my feelings or not.

I broke up with him shortly after that, it wasn’t the whole “cheating” thing, I just thought I didn’t love him anymore, I needed to be a teenager and date lots of boys. He was the first guy to ever send me roses. I remember it clearly, I came home from school and there were roses on the stairs on the landing of the house. My step dad had accepted them on my behalf, and said “you got roses today”. I was humiliated, not sure what other word describes how horrible I felt inside for hurting this guy who was begging for me to love him back, and I didn’t. I didn’t talk to him for a few months despite his calls. I was so torn inside, my family was fucked up, my mom screwed me up in that department.

We did eventually start talking again, and become friends, good friends. We talked daily I’m sure, he could make me laugh like no one I’ve ever met since. He would ask me to be back together with him sometimes, but I would resist, not sure. We started loosing touch when I went off to college and he didn’t. He had dropped out of high-school, or was kicked out for fighting, with teachers and anyone who challenged him. He had family issues too. I took him to get something up at school after my first semester… I was trying to be someone I was not at that time, it wasn’t pretty, and he was also not sure who he was, and it felt like we lost our connection. We didn’t talk after that.

I went on with my life, lost touch with him, but thought about him a lot, wondered where he was, how he was, if he had ever gotten over me. We had been so close for five very crucial years of my life and of his, he was a big part of me becoming me. He was gone and I didn’t know how to find him. Well, thanks to the powers of social networking, the interwebz, I found him 3 years ago on myspace, which shortly after I abandoned since it was riddled with teenagers and drama. But during that time, he told me he was engaged, to be married in a few months and couldn’t resume our friendship the way it had been as to not upset his new bride to be. It hurt, I’ll admit it, I hoped I could be close to him again, I love him, I will always love him, maybe not in that romantic way, but in a deeper way that I’ve never felt for anyone since. Maybe it could be romantic now that I’m more mature, but it will never be. I accepted it, I’m actually really happy for him that he’s happy, that he got over me and how I hurt him, I know I did.

It still hurts, it’s totally selfish since I know I’m “the one that got away” for him, and I want him to want me, and I want to want him, and I want to be close to him again. I can’t, I can’t risk messing up his happiness, because I’m so screwed up myself, what if I screwed up his marriage and then didn’t want him? I can’t do that. But what brings this up is I found him on facebook tonight, he accepted my friend request in a matter of seconds. I can’t describe how it made my heart sink so fast, the pain I felt knowing how fast he did that, and wondering how his marriage is. The temptation to screw that up for him, to butt into his life for my own selfish wants is horrible. I’m a bad person for wanting him this way. I miss him, something terrible, I want to hear his voice. He had video’s posted one where he’s playing with someone’s baby, not his, and he’s talking and I started crying, I miss that voice.

He’s a pretty successful artist now, amazingly talented, he’s happy. Reading his page, then his website, it was like reading my own heart and mind, it’s amazing how we still think on the same wavelength, still want the same things in life. I had it all at 15 and threw it all away. I’m not sure where we stand as friends, I’m hoping his wife is more secure now in their relationship and can stand some form of communication between us. Even if nothing can ever be more than a distant friendship, I’m okay with that and will never of course tell him how I feel for him still, twenty years later. It’s been a few days since he added me and I wrote most of this, and we haven’t really talked, at all. I said hi to him on his wall, and got a one word reply, I’m guessing she is still not happy about us being friends. That really sucks.

Saturday mornings

I love the quiet of an uninterrupted morning, to take my time getting out of my chair, sip my coffee slowly, and ponder what to do with my day free from work responsibilities. What it takes me to though is thinking of my future, what direction I should be taking to reach my goals, what if my decision is wrong and leads me away from it? Then I remember my dream last night, which further makes me appreciate my current state of health and life. In my dream, I had breast cancer. A tumor so large on my left breast you could see it, and I was going to have it removed yet afraid they would take the whole breast or I’d be left disfigured. In the end of the dream, you couldn’t even tell I had surgery. But I was grateful for my life and the time I had on this planet.

My uninterrupted time comes to a close when the dog jumps up on the ottoman demanding to be taken outside to pee, the obnoxious cat is crying and pawing anxiously at the jail cell he must sleep in at night to be let out and go steal what food he can from the other cats who behave at night and enjoy freedom, my coffee is getting cold. So I get up and attend to things that need attending. If you have never experienced the Border collie stare down, consider yourself lucky, it’s highly effective, it’s hypnotizing, it’s how they herd sheep, it’s all in the eyes.  The dog grabs the plastic cat dish from obnoxious cat’s cell and carries it to the living room floor to lick any flavor of last nights dinner from it, then paces around ready for breakfast. It’s time to start our day in her mind, for me to leave for work, only I don’t, so she sits and stares at me. She’s now barking at obnoxious cat, at me, to do something, restless. I want a cigarette and I have none. Thus ends my peaceful Saturday morning. Time to get in the shower, get dressed, and spend some time outside wearing the dog out so I can do all the things I promised myself I’d get done today. I’m betting I get to less than half of my list.

Where do I belong?

Is this where I should be?

I feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore, I feel trapped, like somehow, if I go somewhere new, maybe I could get my appreciation for life back. I am at heart an adventurist. I remember when I was leaving home for the first time, driving 2 days with everything I owned in a truck and moving here, I felt like it was this great new adventure. I felt free, ready for something new. Now here I am, nothing is new here, I’m trapped again, worse this time. I was talked into buying a house, told I’d easily be able to sell it, and now, I’m trapped. I can’t take off on a new adventure as I want. I can’t buy a sail boat with the profits from the sale of my home, load up my 4 cats and dog and sail off into the sunset totally free from responsibility. I do, just get in my car sometimes and drive. I drive with no purpose, no place to go, and no idea where I’ll get bored and stop. But I never really get far enough for a big scenery change, not to get the sense of freedom I want it to give me, because I know I have to turn around at some point and go back home, to my pets (who I’d never desert), to my mortgage, to my job, my bills, my boring life.

I think I was born in the wrong time, maybe I should have been born in a simpler time.  People forgot to stop and enjoy the little things in life. People forgot that WE are what is important in life, above all else, the living things on this planet, are all that matter. Not our material possessions, no amount of stuff will make us happier. We spend so much time focused on so much stuff. Stuff just accumulates, it doesn’t hug you, it doesn’t love you, it doesn’t challenge your mind, exchange ideas, or make the world a better place. We accumulate tons of stuff, we eat tons of food, we want more, MORE, MORE! Of everything!

Not me, I don’t want more stuff, I want things simplified. What I want more of is steadily in decline. I want more beaches, waves, birds. I want more grass, wind, flowers. I want more rain, dew, dripping trees and fog. I want a cool morning where the crickets still think it’s night and chirp and the birds start to wake and sing and I don’t hear a single car passing, but instead hear the exchange of night for day. I want to get on a boat and watch the whales flip and flop and groan in the middle of the ocean, and dolphins jumping and playing near by, yet so far away from anyone else that we seem to be the only living things left on the planet.

I know my escapist thoughts aren’t normal, most people are content to move to the suburbs, get married, have 2.5 children, work until they are 65, and then retire and sit in a recliner in front of the tv until they die. I don’t want that, I want more and less. Less in material things, yes, I want certain entertainment items, transportation items, but I like things simple, understated, functional. More in terms of quality, more quality in the few material possessions I chose to keep, and more quality in the people I surround myself with.

Compared to most people my age  I supposed I’m not normal, sitting quietly with a book, with my ipod listening to this, while watching the ocean, is the most relaxing thing, the most ideal life I could ever want.

Where I sit now, at work, with pop radio playing, the monotonous daily tasks, all I have is my pandora radio and headphones and pictures I can find on google images to soothe me through the day. My imagination of where I’m headed next, who I’ll meet, what I’ll do and see, what it will teach me and what I can teach others occupies the corners of my mind as I click away at my mouse designing more letterhead, more business cards, more images to sell, more stuff. And at night, I’ll dream of my next adventure, soon to come, very soon.

How about a fresh pot of steaming…

Well, steaming, STEAM! I got one of those spam emails this morning, I swear I’ve unsubscribed a few times, they go away about a week and then come back. I’ve mentioned them before, the “dating guru” people. This one really got under my skin, REALLY irritated me. I sat here reading it, picking it apart, every bit of what he said was against everything I believe in. He says he speaks for all men, when really, he speaks for himself, his kind of man, which makes me so glad it’s not the type of man I want. I’m sure some of you men out there and even some women agree with him, I however find what he has to say to be a huge part of what is wrong with relationships, why marriages fail, in this country. I’ll get into that in a minute.

He says in this email ” “Eat, Pray, Love” has been on my mind recently. Not in the least because of the big billboard right outside my house, which says: “You Don’t Need a Man. You Need a Champion.” You like the way that sounds, don’t you? Well, if this line speaks to you… If this is the way you truly feel about relationships… If you really resonate with this and are holding out for no less than your own hero… You’re most likely making a HUGE mistake.” I want to scream at him, ‘HOW DARE YOU!’, but I keep reading, and it gets worse, my rage, seething, and anger are about to peak.

would be nice though... no?

“That’s what you’re holding out for in a man. Fair enough. So, for a moment, I’d like you to imagine a movie designed specifically for men. Not an action movie, not a horror movie. A movie about one man’s perfect love. After years of being trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage to a woman who didn’t want to have a baby, Alex leaves his wife to go find himself. Distraught, he decides to have an adventure. He drives to Vegas. He flies to Ibiza. He journeys to Thailand. Until finally, he discovers the woman who gives him everything he needs. He writes a book: “Drink, Play, F@#%”. Howard Stern and Maxim magazine promote the hell out of it, and Alex sells the movie rights. Soon, it’s in a theater near you. You won’t see it, of course, but you can’t miss the ubiquitous billboards: “You don’t need a woman. You need a pornstar who cooks.” ” All I can think, is this guy has to be kidding, I don’t know many men, at least REAL men who want a pornstar who cooks. What man wants something that is always THAT easy? THIS kind of man, I don’t want in my life. I know without a doubt, not all men, not even most men, feel this way. Maybe a few of you on here do, so I’m not excluding some men, but, let me say, without a doubt, this is not what I want in my life. Not to mention, if the character he described about hating his wife and a sexless marriage is what you are in, omg, DO SOMETHING about it! Holy cow, I can’t even believe these words he said! Of course, it only gets worse…

“Men really DO want the Supermodel/Top Chef/Rhodes Scholar. Women really DO want a hero and a champion. And yet, in order to find happiness, we both must relax our fantasies a little bit. Not because they don’t feel great. They do. The reason to relax your fantasies is because they’re unrealistic, and they almost invariably lead to disappointment.” See, here’s the thing, he makes the assumption that by wanting MY hero, my prince charming, I expect him to be perfect. I don’t expect perfection, far from it, but I’m not willing to live a dull, unfulfilling life with someone who less than meets my expectations because I’m so desperate to not be alone.  I’ve been there, done that, I’ve settled for what this author suggests, it also, doesn’t end well, it ends with me hurting this poor schmuck, because this guy, isn’t what I want. If the “normal” guy wants the pornstar that cooks, but settles for me, and I want a hero and settle for him, neither of us is happy. But I don’t want a ‘hero’, and the guy I want, doesn’t want a pornstar, what we want is eachother, the one we are meant to be with. I think this guy doesn’t get it when he “coaches” women, we want the one that draws us like a magnet, the one that feels the same about us. Maybe there are also a small percentage of women out there who do have unreal expectations, maybe I’m the one who’s different in what my fairytale ending is composed of. I encourage the women to speak up, do you want tall dark and handsome, six figure income, a hero to save you, nobel prize winner, all that and a bag of chips? Or do you just want to find the right one for you, the one that other people may not see anything but ordinary, but was created just for you? I think there is a GREAT misunderstanding with these so called dating coaches/guru’s about what women want. When we turn down guy after guy, it’s not that we are being too picky, it’s that the chemistry just isn’t there, and it’s not something you can force. Yes, you can settle, which is what he encourages, so he is right, and makes money. He also encourages you to change who you are, says you won’t ever find what you are looking for, so you should change to what the man wants… WHAT? That pisses me off.

I blogged about it here,https://driven2batshitcrazy.wordpress.com/2010/08/28/is-love-a-fairytale/ , and as much as I think about it, I still stand by my convictions. Romantic, crazy, foolish, unrealistic… maybe, but I’d rather be all those things than settle and be unhappy and then have to divorce someone, travel around, write a book that becomes a movie and have some guru tell the world I should have stayed with the unhappy marriage that I settled for in the first place. Sorry dude, time to unsubscribe… again.

Is Love a Fairytale?

I read a lot about psychology, modern culture, and what’s wrong with society. A common theme among most hypotheses today is that we are wrong to want the fairy tale ending as women, that it doesn’t exist. Blame Disney movies we grew up with, blame Hollywood, blame our imaginations for wanting what doesn’t exist. This notion of the fairytale is supposed to be a modern notion brought to us by a screen and actors, but nothing is real about it. I’m going to challenge this rather popular notion, because the story of the fairy tale, the ever enduring, willing to die for love, starts at the beginning of our written history.

Beginning with Adam and Eve, they defied the all mighty GOD for such a sin as love. We all know the story, or at least the important parts, we get the metaphors, and we understand it’s obviously not a true story, but it is the first love story of sorts to tell us that love, love like this is bad, it seems the writer of this story must have been a nonbeliever. Maybe in the modern day, he would try to tell me that my fairytale isn’t real, that it can never happen? Perhaps, but I think we should move forward in time a bit, or so it would seem since I know that the story I’m about to mention was actually older than the written story of the bible’s Adam and Eve, and all the other, less romantic ones. How about we talk Greek. There are too many stories to list, fairy tales it would seem, more unreal expectations for women to thrust upon less than deserving men. At least that is my opinion. Cupid and Psyche,  Orpheus and Eurydice, Echo and Narcissus, and Pygmalion and Galatea, love stories, fairy tales, fiction… or were they written metaphors for what really happened? Want to skip the Greek’s, ok, lets move on to merry Ole’ England, God Bless the Queen! Lets talk Shakespeare in that case, and the most famous of his love stories, Romeo and Juliet. It is my favorite, not because of some movie with Leo, I loved Shakespeare before it was pop culture, I’ve read this play so many times I can recite most of the lines when I watch almost any version of it being played out. It is of course one of the more tragic love stories, but the moral, the lesson to be learned is not that it’s foolish to love, the lesson is that true love is worth dying for, it’s worth everything. It’s a story that has stood through time, century after century we retell it in a hundred different ways. The lesson is the same. In no particular order, Jane Eyre and Rochester, Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler, Elizabeth Bennett and Darcy, Pocahontas and John Smith, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, Napoleon and Josephine, Tristan and Isolde, Lancelot and Guinevere, Cleopatra and Mark Antony, all love stories across time, I could go on and on and on. 

So lets discuss Disney, it’s my understanding that we should teach young girls that this will never happen, it’s a cartoon, there is no prince charming, and no one will ever love us the way he does, or is it the happy ending that bothers psychologists so much? Should we instead show them Romeo and Juliet instead, show them what can happen, and let them decide if it’s worth it for themselves? How do you teach them the fairy tale can happen, even when it ends, it’s still worth it to fall in love instead of teaching them to marry for practical reasons, to be dull and lifeless, to ignore what is in their hearts? Don’t we do enough to children to stammer their imaginations as they grow up without taking away the fairy tale too?

Why do the naysayers feel so strongly that love this strong isn’t real? It can’t happen? Is it impossible? Or have they just personally given up and settled for what was easy? Maybe it’s not possible for everyone, but I think it’s possible for those that still believe in it. I think when you give up, when you believe what the media says, and let go of your dreams, you won’t find happiness and contentment, you will find you have lost yourself. I suppose there are people out there that just don’t have it in them, they look at us dreamers as crazy, lunatics, as if we live in a fantasy. I think I prefer my fantasy, my stories, and my hope that some day, my prince will come for me. I’d rather go out in a blaze of glory than to have some wet bucket douse my fire.

There is a quote somewhere about the craziest people out there, the ones that believe that anything they dream up can happen are the ones that make their dreams come true. True invention comes from fearless heart, believing in yourself and that your dream can happen. Inventors never say something can’t happen, that it’s impossible, they would never create something unique if they did. This is the way I feel about love. Someday, my prince charming will come, maybe he did and I missed him, but I won’t quit looking for my happy ending, I know it’s out there. All the wet buckets can go find a mop somewhere to suck it up, stay away from my flame!

my own personal hell

So it seems karma found a better way to punish me this week. It seems Browns best friend will be at my work every day for the rest of the week. It will only be a few minutes every day I have to see him, but that is enough for him to report back that he saw me, how I looked and acted to Brown. CRAP! I really thought I had this douche bag out of my life. The last thing I need is some reason for him to try to contact me again. Guys that pull what he did, leaving things open without closure with me, always come back, or try. It may not be this week, but I do believe the impending doom feeling I was getting Saturday was this bomb about to be dropped on me.

It’s not like I care what his friend tells him, but I have to be very careful what I say so that he doesn’t get the idea I care what Brown is up to, or that I want him to call me. Quite the opposite. I want to make it clear I don’t, without saying it. I would have taken a week of vacation time had I known about this last week, then he would probably forget I existed when he stepped into my work, thinking Brown had told him I worked at a different location and he was mixed up. But noooooo, can’t play hookey or a whole week now, too late!

Yes, I'm talkin Kirstie Alley frump!

My friend told me to make sure I look really good all week so he’d report back to him how hot I looked. I’m not out for revenge, I don’t care enough, and I don’t want him to want me. I want him to go away. I’m afraid my reaction to his other coworker when he said the best friends name today might have been enough to spread the word. I’m pretty sure I turned bright red and spun around in my chair and said “fuck” under my breath a million times when I thought he stepped out the back door. So I plan to do the opposite of look pretty, I’m going to be a mess! I’m going to wear clothes 2 sizes too big, fat girl clothes, not do my hair at all, and wear no makeup, all.damn.week. Maybe, just maybe, his friend will only ask what he saw in me and that will be the end of the conversation. Think it will work? I’m not that lucky. Best I can hope for is Brown being the coward he is will only text me and I can ignore it and go on pretending he never existed. Right?

They always come back, always. “I was stupid, you are so amazing, I was just scared” or “I wasn’t ready to be with you” I even had one say “I really liked you but you had all these weird ideas about who I was”… uh, dude, did you really try to blame you being an asshole to me on “ideas” you thought I had? Uh, how about no, you are still an asshole, go away now! Buh bye now, run along! Much like Mr. NY’s email in desperation telling me to listen to “Amazed” by whatever country band plays that song. NO, to little too late bub. I’m done! But, thus is my life, and my luck, and this one will do it too, just a matter of time, and how big of balls he has as to what excuse he gives me and how. Oh well, at least I can sleep in this week, don’t have to worry about looking decent!

Coward

Main Entry: coward

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: person who is scared, easily intimidated

Synonyms: alarmist, baby, caitiff, chicken heart, chicken liver, chicken, craven, cur, dastard, deserter, faint-of-heart, faintheart, fraidy-cat, funk, gutless, invertebrate, jellyfish, lily liver, malingerer, mouse, pessimist, poltroon, quitter, rabbit, recreant, scaredy cat, shirk, shirker, skulker, sneak, weakling, white liver, wimp, yellow belly, yellow.

My favorite of these are lily liver and yellow belly. Those are just a few words I can use to describe at least 90% of the men I’ve dated, my friends have dated, hell that my mother has married. My friend Vol was dating my neighbor Deere. They met back in May at my graduation party, he was instantly smitten with her, almost speechless around her. She was hesitant about him because well, he’s 25 and she’s older, and she’s just come out of some pretty rough times of her own with an abusive husband she’s still in hiding from. Deere was stuck to her like glue, for months, I rarely saw him come home except to get clean clothes to go back to her house. Then while she was on vacation at the beach with her mother he was home, then when she got back, he was different. She said he barely talked to her while she was gone and when she asked why, he grew even more distant. After I talked with his roommate, aka. my hairdresser and awesome, she said Deere thought Vol was about to drop the “L” bomb! hahahahahah. Maybe Vol was going to drop the L bomb, but she denies it to me. So Vol has a talk with Deere, and tries to clear the air of all pressure on him. A week later after things had been normal again, he stops calling, answering her calls, and even ignores her when she’s sitting next to him in traffic and honks at him and calls! He refuses to acknowledge she exists suddenly. I don’t know why, I really don’t care, he’s too much of a coward to end a relationship with a woman he’s spent at least 5 nights a week with for several moths, he officially SUCKS.

They haven’t talked in 2 weeks, she came over last Friday and Saturday. I saw him Thur. night when I walked the dog the last time and said “look, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but Vol is coming over tomorrow night and it would be nice if you two could exchange personal property with out it being uncomfortable, how about you just leave her stuff on my patio and she’ll do the same with yours?” he agreed. Friday night, he didn’t leave her stuff, so she didn’t deliver his. He was home, she was freaked. I encouraged her to go over there, knock on the door, and ask him to come out and go for a walk and talk to her like a man. I mean, come on, this is the stupidest thing EVER. What grown ass man does this crap. Oh ya, I forget, ALL OF THEM! Seriously… grow a pair dude.

The worst part, what I know would happen if she did this, he would lie to her, tell her he’s sorry and they should work things out, he still cares about her and everything is ok and he’ll call her tomorrow. Then, he’d do the SAME.DAMN.THING! He’d go right back to ignoring avoiding her at all costs. Pathetic. All she wants is closure. Why don’t men get that? Closure shouldn’t be so hard to give us. Why is it so hard to tell us that you aren’t interested in us anymore? You don’t have to analyze it to death, if you don’t want to tell us why, don’t, but tell us it’s over, have some balls man! And then you wonder why you think all women are crazy? why all your ex’s are crazy? HELLO? REALLY? You don’t think it has ANYTHING, everything to do with the disappearing act? the avoidance? the “fraidy-cat, lily liver, invertebrate, jellyfish” manner in which YOU handle things with us?

Main Entry: cur

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: rotten, lowly animate being

Synonyms: black sheep, blackguard, bum, cad, coward , dog, good-for-nothing, heel, hound, ne’er-do-well, rat, riffraff, scoundrel, scum, skunk, snake, stinker, toad, villain, worm, wretch, yellow dog.

Maybe these are better terms for the kind of men I’m speaking of? But what I want to know is, are there any other kind? Do the real men we fantasize about as women really exist at all? I thought some men wrote movies, they write the characters that women want to be with, they know what we want, and yet where are these men? Maybe I’m delusional, maybe they are all married already, maybe they just don’t live in this country. I really have no idea anymore. And this isn’t just about closure, it’s about romance too. So many men and yes women too, are so scared to reveal their emotions, for fear they will make the other person run and do what Deere did to my friend. We shouldn’t have to be afraid of that, it just seems so utterly ridiculous to me that adults act this way. Why can’t a man allow himself to fall for a woman without over thinking it to death, why can’t the woman let him with out freaking out and running? And why can’t the woman when she falls back be allowed to show it? Where is the everlasting devotion in this century?

I know I’ve blogged about how I’m broken, I really am, I have nothing left to give to anyone at this point. I have spent most of my life giving and giving to my friends, always being there for them in their hour of need, I finally hit the point of nothing left to give to anyone. I think I’m glad my true friends recognize this about me and are there for me right now, they are giving to me now that I need it, and I appreciate it, but it still doesn’t change the emptiness I feel inside, no matter how great they are. You can’t warm a heart that doesn’t exist anymore. I go through the motions every day, doing what is expected of me, putting on a smile and fake conversation at work, try to hang out with friends, but really no one wants to hang out with someone who has nothing to say, nothing to give back. THIS ^ above what I talked about it, is part of it, being fed up.

Main Entry:     hopeless

Part of Speech:     adjective

Definition:     futile, pessimistic

Synonyms:     bad, beyond recall, cynical, dejected, demoralized, despairing, desperate, despondent, disconsolate, discouraging, downhearted, fatal, forlorn, gone, goner, helpless, ill-fated, impossible, impracticable, in despair, incurable, irredeemable, irreparable, irreversible, irrevocable, lost, menacing, no-win, past hope, pointless, sad, shot down, sinister, sunk, threatening, tragic, unachievable, unavailing, unfortunate, unmitigable, up the creek, useless, vain, woebegone, worsening.

I’m not sure what I will get out of writing today’s blog, probably nothing more than a way for me to whine and vent and let go of some of the anger building inside me. I suppose anger is better something, it’s not emptiness. But soon after the anger resides, I’m hollow again.