How about a fresh pot of steaming…

Well, steaming, STEAM! I got one of those spam emails this morning, I swear I’ve unsubscribed a few times, they go away about a week and then come back. I’ve mentioned them before, the “dating guru” people. This one really got under my skin, REALLY irritated me. I sat here reading it, picking it apart, every bit of what he said was against everything I believe in. He says he speaks for all men, when really, he speaks for himself, his kind of man, which makes me so glad it’s not the type of man I want. I’m sure some of you men out there and even some women agree with him, I however find what he has to say to be a huge part of what is wrong with relationships, why marriages fail, in this country. I’ll get into that in a minute.

He says in this email ” “Eat, Pray, Love” has been on my mind recently. Not in the least because of the big billboard right outside my house, which says: “You Don’t Need a Man. You Need a Champion.” You like the way that sounds, don’t you? Well, if this line speaks to you… If this is the way you truly feel about relationships… If you really resonate with this and are holding out for no less than your own hero… You’re most likely making a HUGE mistake.” I want to scream at him, ‘HOW DARE YOU!’, but I keep reading, and it gets worse, my rage, seething, and anger are about to peak.

would be nice though... no?

“That’s what you’re holding out for in a man. Fair enough. So, for a moment, I’d like you to imagine a movie designed specifically for men. Not an action movie, not a horror movie. A movie about one man’s perfect love. After years of being trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage to a woman who didn’t want to have a baby, Alex leaves his wife to go find himself. Distraught, he decides to have an adventure. He drives to Vegas. He flies to Ibiza. He journeys to Thailand. Until finally, he discovers the woman who gives him everything he needs. He writes a book: “Drink, Play, F@#%”. Howard Stern and Maxim magazine promote the hell out of it, and Alex sells the movie rights. Soon, it’s in a theater near you. You won’t see it, of course, but you can’t miss the ubiquitous billboards: “You don’t need a woman. You need a pornstar who cooks.” ” All I can think, is this guy has to be kidding, I don’t know many men, at least REAL men who want a pornstar who cooks. What man wants something that is always THAT easy? THIS kind of man, I don’t want in my life. I know without a doubt, not all men, not even most men, feel this way. Maybe a few of you on here do, so I’m not excluding some men, but, let me say, without a doubt, this is not what I want in my life. Not to mention, if the character he described about hating his wife and a sexless marriage is what you are in, omg, DO SOMETHING about it! Holy cow, I can’t even believe these words he said! Of course, it only gets worse…

“Men really DO want the Supermodel/Top Chef/Rhodes Scholar. Women really DO want a hero and a champion. And yet, in order to find happiness, we both must relax our fantasies a little bit. Not because they don’t feel great. They do. The reason to relax your fantasies is because they’re unrealistic, and they almost invariably lead to disappointment.” See, here’s the thing, he makes the assumption that by wanting MY hero, my prince charming, I expect him to be perfect. I don’t expect perfection, far from it, but I’m not willing to live a dull, unfulfilling life with someone who less than meets my expectations because I’m so desperate to not be alone.  I’ve been there, done that, I’ve settled for what this author suggests, it also, doesn’t end well, it ends with me hurting this poor schmuck, because this guy, isn’t what I want. If the “normal” guy wants the pornstar that cooks, but settles for me, and I want a hero and settle for him, neither of us is happy. But I don’t want a ‘hero’, and the guy I want, doesn’t want a pornstar, what we want is eachother, the one we are meant to be with. I think this guy doesn’t get it when he “coaches” women, we want the one that draws us like a magnet, the one that feels the same about us. Maybe there are also a small percentage of women out there who do have unreal expectations, maybe I’m the one who’s different in what my fairytale ending is composed of. I encourage the women to speak up, do you want tall dark and handsome, six figure income, a hero to save you, nobel prize winner, all that and a bag of chips? Or do you just want to find the right one for you, the one that other people may not see anything but ordinary, but was created just for you? I think there is a GREAT misunderstanding with these so called dating coaches/guru’s about what women want. When we turn down guy after guy, it’s not that we are being too picky, it’s that the chemistry just isn’t there, and it’s not something you can force. Yes, you can settle, which is what he encourages, so he is right, and makes money. He also encourages you to change who you are, says you won’t ever find what you are looking for, so you should change to what the man wants… WHAT? That pisses me off.

I blogged about it here,http://driven2batshitcrazy.wordpress.com/2010/08/28/is-love-a-fairytale/ , and as much as I think about it, I still stand by my convictions. Romantic, crazy, foolish, unrealistic… maybe, but I’d rather be all those things than settle and be unhappy and then have to divorce someone, travel around, write a book that becomes a movie and have some guru tell the world I should have stayed with the unhappy marriage that I settled for in the first place. Sorry dude, time to unsubscribe… again.

Love is not a coldplay song

At least it shouldn’t be. Can I blame all my dating woes on a band? It sure would make things easier than taking personal responsibility for my failures. I mean, who really thinks they can fix someone? Here is a song about a guy who is going to fix this girl who’s hurting from what some asshole guy did to her… does that ever really happen? I sure haven’t ever accomplished fixing someone, not that I wasn’t having a professional therapeutic conversation with. In dating and love “fixing someone” never works, you can’t be someone’s therapist, unless you really are their therapist.

“Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start”

When does this ever happen? really? Does begging someone back ever work? I guess I wouldn’t know, I’ve never tried it. Somehow I picture a woman saying all of this as appearing needy, clingy, desperate and then called “crazy”. But when men beg me back, and they do sometimes, it usually is more along the lines of, telling me they want another chance because I did something wrong, with out ever saying sorry, or admitting any fault of their own, and the answer is always “NO WAY”. Would be nice to have one ask me back in this way, but like I said, love is definitely not a coldplay song.

“Nobody said it was easy” But why, why can’t it just be a little easy? I mean, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if we were all honest instead of saying “I’ve just been busy” or “I didn’t get your text” or any of the other numerous games we all play when we just aren’t that into someone. I am not saying I’m not guilty, I totally am, sometimes I just don’t want to deal with hurting someone’s feelings, because it’s not easy. Lets face it, some people don’t take rejection well, it’s why so many of us women online don’t reply with the polite “sorry I’m not interested” because then we get the “I didn’t like you anyway you stupid fat bitch” message in return. It’s easier to ignore certain people. I get that.

“No one ever said it would be so hard” I was warned growing up by numerous adults that love wasn’t easy, that it was hard work, and that when it’s real, it doesn’t always feel good or like you think it should. I was warned, apparently the majority of men weren’t? I’m the girl, I’m the one that is supposed to believe in the fairytale that will never come true, why do I get stuck being the realist and falling for men who keep looking for that ideal fairytale ending with the perfect princess? Love is hard, it hurts, you question it, you stumble, but you try because the good feelings are worth all the bad times a million.

“If you go, if you go ,Leaving me here on my own ,Well I wait for you” Who really waits? My last boyfriend asked me to wait, a week later he was online, looking for dates and denying it. He also said he was only on vacation and was coming back, not that he had moved back home. My bad for being stupid I guess. But really, do people wait? He has this theme of asking people to wait for him, and saying he’ll wait for them. Wait for what? wait for someone to be ready? what if they never are. In my experience if you wait for someone to be ready, it’s not that they aren’t ready, it’s that they aren’t ready for YOU, they will turn around though in 3 months, meet someone else, and get married to them. So don’t wait, either shit or get off the pot.

Love is most definitely not a coldplay song, I could quote a million other lies lines, oops, … Freudian slip? Perhaps. Maybe it’s just another one of my many rants. But I like my rants. I like writing in this blog. It clears my mind, I’ve been sleeping again, something that was starting to be a problem before I began writing. Back to the coldplay thing, sorry, I got off track. Love isn’t a song, it’s not an idea although it may be idealized. It’s funny that the band I’m comparing happens to be one I listen to a lot. Am I a hypocrite? Possibly. At least I’m honest about my conflicting thoughts and emotions. I put my crazy on the table, I don’t like to hide it away for random emotional outbursts. My mind is like a beehive, all those buzzing bees are thoughts, if I don’t let it out, well, you would really see what crazy was like.

Ladies, it’s YOUR FAULT you are single!

Please note the sarcasm in the title ladies, no need to tell me off, I’m on your side, mostly. If you have done online dating, or hell, have a facebook page, you have seen the ad’s for these self proclaimed dating and relationship gurus. They are going to tell you how to catch and keep your man, and why the love of your life bolted. Then they are going to tell you how to fix it…. for a small fee of course. Plus you need to buy their book… and all 7 of their programs on DVD… and of course, don’t forget to subscribe to their newsletter so they can pitch every new product they have at you on a daily basis.

This is my new project to help men with their dating issues, you know you love it!

Ok, so I was curious, just why do men take off when things get serious? And could these self proclaimed gurus’s have any insight? I mean, I was just under the impression men weren’t as self actualized as women, and of course, the dangley things between their legs make them act like pigs. Who knew it was such an in depth subject that we needed this much information! After all, Evan Marc Katz, one of the coaches newsletters said “We men care about two main things: Are you sexy? Are you fun to be around? If you are, we’re coming back for more.” REALLY? That is all there is to it? Wow, I should be swarming with engagement proposals if that’s the case! Huh… so why is it that the men in my life keep getting scared? Well according to Christian Carter it’s because I tried to talk to them, about feeeeeeelings! GASP! *insert me singing “feeeeelllings” right here* Who ever heard of adults acting like adults and talking? I should have not tried to talk to them. I should have played coy, hard to get, not ever called them, or done anything nice for them, and acted like a stripper on a pole all day long… THAT is what men want according to him! Because according to him, it’s MY fault when a man bolts.

Let me say that I do know I’m accountable for some of the times when a man has bolted from me. I clearly see where I’ve gone wrong. The funny thing is, men act needy and clingy too and I’m the one that bolts from them. Believe me, I know all about a level 4 clinger and have had to deal with dumping one, it’s not easy. I also have dated some men that are mature normal and capable of talking about a relationship and where it’s going without being scared. What I don’t like about what these people are saying is that it is the woman’s fault, we are yet to take on another burden, we are now supposed to be responsible for someone else, their emotional maturity, insecurities, and commitment issues.

Christian Carter said today that after a guy starts to distance himself from you, you have 2 choices “Choice #1) Try Talking To Him” or “Choice #2) Inspire His Devotion Again”…. Riiiiiiigggghhhhtttt… because you shouldn’t ever try to talk to a man like an adult, you have to trick him into liking you. The thing I have such a problem with is this; once a man has one foot out the door, I mean, by the time we realize it, it’s too late to do anything. Their decision is made that they don’t want to be with you anymore. He says “I get that it can be a frightening idea that all it takes is just a few wrong words or actions as a woman and “Wham!”… the man in your life that you’ve been sharing so much of yourself with is suddenly not feeling it for you anymore.” in reply to a woman asking for advice. WOW, wait, did he just totally blame this man’s commitment issues totally on her? I get what he’s saying, don’t act needy and clingy. But what if this woman asking him why, wasn’t needy and clingy, what if the guy has issues that she can’t do anything about, are you still going to try to sell her your book…. looks like by the end of the email you have tried books and DVD programs.

Refer to my blog here. This was the end of Brown and I. I had done nothing up until that point that was needy, clingy, asked for attention, or was otherwise different from how I had been all along. I am just like my blogs in real life, just add a little sexy in there. I’m a smart ass, straight shooter, playful, silly, stupid, klutzy, smart, and yes, sometimes bitchy woman. He knew this the first time I met him, I don’t try to hide who I am, I embrace it, and everyone else should too. Yes, I had voiced a concern to him that we slept together too soon. All I said was 8 words “Do you think we had sex too soon?”. Those 8 little words were taken that I was needy, clingy, acting funny? How is that possible based on my previous behavior? I really want to know why I can’t have an open discussion about sex with someone I’m doing it with? Does that mean I can’t say “a little to the left” or “faster, harder, slower” or any other guidance during the act too? What exactly am I allowed to say that won’t be construed as “needy”? If I said “I wish we had more sex” I doubt that would cause such miscommunication. His reaction to my question was based on past experience with a clinger, not on my past behavior. So then when I was positive I was getting the brush off, I figured “eh, what the hell, I’ll try to give him his shit back, if he doesn’t reply, I’ll trash them”… dude tells me to “dial down the crazy”. WTF? You can see the conversation there. I wasn’t needy, clingy, as a matter of a fact, I was pissed by the end of it. I can’t give you exact words before I quoted the conversation because it would give away personal information, but I promise, it was NOT crazy, or needy, I just asked first if I should toss them, or second if I should pass them along to him if that was easier since he didn’t want to see me. All he had to do was say “ya, do that”, but his own guilt issues and well asshole issues, caused him to lump me with his crazy ex and every other clinger he’s had experience with, and also to attempt to make me feel bad, thus eliminating his guilt over pulling the disappearing act, seeing other women, and putting the blame back on me. You see what happened here? I do. And by the way, I’m bringing his glasses to work tomorrow to have a mutual person we both know pass them along to him, outta spite, instead of being the “crazy” he wants me to be and smashing them. Ya, I’m a little pouty, smashy would have been so fun. Damn ethics.

Sorry for the detour, I just think that example was important to drive home a point. Ladies, the thing is this, these “gurus” are out to make money. What they say about men isn’t right for all men, or even the majority of men. Movies like “The Ugly Truth” make it look like it’s up to us to be this perfect dream woman for this totally screwed up, commitment phobic, non-self actualized man. It’s a funny movie, don’t get me wrong, I own it, it totally cracks me up. And if you want that burden and you want to fake who you are for the duration of your relationship or rest of your life to catch that kind of man, by all means, take their advice and change who you are, but i promise you, he’s still going to lie to you and cheat on you and leave you anyway in the end. And where are the books for him, on how to not think we are all clingers and psychos? How about some of them fix their issues for once? Why the hell do I always have to compensate for some exgirlfriends issues? I’m telling you all, I’ve had it up to ^here. Do you see how high that is, well it’s as high as I can make it go, so deal with it, but I’m holding my hand up REALLY high!

So here is a little relationship advice for all of you. Men and women. Get over it, your past is not your future, your ex is not the same person you are dating now. If you can’t forgive them, yourself, and forget the pain you once felt, you should not be dating again. Get a therapist and get over it. Stop with these guru’s and go to a therapist if you want real advice, a book or newsletter or seminar can’t tell you what is wrong with your specific relationship. If you keep having the same issue over and over and over, go to a shrink if you can’t see what it is you are doing wrong, hell, ask a good friend to help you look at things. Maybe it’s not what you do, but who you pick that is the problem… Maybe if we all take our heads out of our asses for a while we can figure this out and learn to have happy relationships.

Ok, I really just wanted to use this image cause it's funny