holyhangover batman…

When I had a actual hangover yesterday, I posted “holyhangover batman” as my facebook status, my sister’s reply was “Hangovers are like men, the best way to get over one is to get under a new one, drink up bitches!” It made me laugh. Although my reply was something along the lines of reminding her of a bad hangover she had once where the only “getting under another one” was to get back under the covers after puking again and going back to sleep. I thought about the breakup hangover and realized the depth of the hangover depends on how you should react. Sometimes, you get under a new one, and it’s easy, sometimes you puke and get back under the covers for a while, hide so to speak, so that you can recover while drinking a ton of gatorade (which would be spending time with friends in the case of a man hangover). If you use hair of the dog to recover from a bad hangover, you will eventually have to face the hangover when you stop drinking… Is love like getting drunk?

Dating without getting over my broken heart was doing exactly like drinking to get over my hangover, eventually when I stopped, I felt the hangover. I had to crawl under my covers and sleep it off, then I re-hydrated by hanging out with my friends again. I think I’m still hydrating, not ready to drink from the pool of men again, but I’m starting to crave it again, like an alcoholic craves a drink even years after they have had one. I know however it won’t be a good thing for me, so I am refraining from that urge to drink. Well, not alcohol anyway, just the nectar of men, because that hangover doesn’t compare to the one I had yesterday from drinking way too much vodka.

It’s not that I’m afraid of having my heart broke again, I actually recently got over that fear, which is how I allowed it to happen in the first place. I do realize I’d rather have a broken heart than feel nothing at all, how I was for a very long time. I realize that feeling this, hangover, is in fact feeling something, and I would rather feel it than feel nothing. If I turn on the fear again, block it out, become numb again, I could just go date again, but it would mean nothing. I want to feel not only the pain of the hangover, but I want to feel drunk in love again. So, for now, I’ll continue to hydrate myself in an effort to rid myself of this hangover, so that someday I can get drunk again.

Broken

That is what I am now. I understand the hole in my chest I’m feeling now. I’ve been knocked down so many times, had my heart broken so many times, it’s now shattered, too many tiny pieces to try to put it back together again, I can’t get back up again. With each piece that was left I tried to get back up, use what was left to make it whole again, like a lizard regrows a tail, until finally, every last part is broken, gone and there is nothing left to regrow. That is the hole. It’s not a specific person or heartbreak, it’s the sum of all of them, even the little disappointments, chipping away, what I thought was mending was only going to take another sliver. I just don’t have the strength to get back up again.

This doesn’t come from recent heartbreak, it’s not from Brown, I never loved him, I barely liked him, he was though, another disappointment, the last little speck of my heart that was left, was spent trying to like him, to regrow the heart I had once upon a time. I expressed my pain to all men in my letter to him, the one I never sent and posted on here. He was however never worthy of my love, not that I had any left to give. I gave my last bit of love, my heart, to Mr. NY, and although I believe he did love me in return, he ruined that piece I gave to him, crushed it with lies and manipulation. I told him goodbye, he left the country, and those fences are not ones that can be mended. What’s done is done and I don’t regret saying what I said.

Yes, I burn, yearn, ache for true love. I fear, I know, if it finds me, I’m too broken that I’ll have nothing left to give. That part of me is missing, and I can’t share that anywhere but here. So I’ve come to a conclusion that I have to move. There is nothing left for me here, moving here in the first place was a mistake. It’s contributed to crushing what little spirit I had left in me, and all the love I had left was also lost here. I can’t look at this place anymore, I hope that if I can get far far away, some shred of who I am can be found and rebuilt. This is something I know I need to do, I need to do it alone, and maybe if I can’t rebuild who I was, I can start from scratch and build a new me, but I can’t do it here.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” — Washington Irving

Being Alone

I stole this from KaPau! cause it’s great, and I like it, and cause she’s cool like that. Also because I’ve been spending some time with myself, kind of taking a break from dating, and running around like a socialite constantly obligated to some activity. It’s been nice. I bought New Moon yesterday, I’ll finish it today I’m sure. I’m mad at the book, I’m team Edward and he disappointed me, made me cry when he left Bella. But I won’t bore you all with my teenage fantasy book, lol. I was thinking of going somewhere alone today. Maybe I’ll go to the movies. I mean, I guess I should start some laundry and vacuum the house and mop, but after that I have the whole afternoon free. I frequently go for walks along in the woods, I guess I’m not totally alone, I bring my dog, but that usually leads to her running in the creeks, getting muddy and then I have to give her a bath, which she hates, and dodges by getting on my bed and making it muddy too. I think I’ll skip nature today and stick to civilization, it’s too hot anyway, when it cools off she can go hiking again. Maybe I’ll finish my book at starbucks, I could use some coffee this morning.

Old Kittah formerly Fat Kittah

I really shouldn’t be spending a lot of money right now, I have a lot of bills coming up. My dog is due for her annual check up and shots next month, my old cat is acting kinda funny and may have to go to the vet, might just be her arthritis hurting her. My car needs this squealy belt fixed and I may need new breaks. I got screwed over last place that did this for me, and thus is why 2 years later both have to be fixed again. I just got a check from the state, turns out I had “unclaimed property” in the sum of almost $600, from some old stock dividends my mom had in my name and transferred to me when I turned 18, we still aren’t sure why they didn’t roll over to the insurance policy or why they ended up with the state, the ins. company knows my address and contact info.  So both will use this up, if not a little more. But I think I can afford to throw in a cup of coffee today for the heck of it. Time to get in the showah if I’m going to do any of this today! Alone!

Lots of thinking today

There was a picture on here of me, but since my blog was recently forwarded to me by someone on facebook that didn’t read back or realize it was my blog but was just forwarding a funny post of mine, I had to delete all personal stuff that could be tracked back to me, sorry.

This morning’s email did a number on me, initial reaction was that I’m mad, I still am mad, but I am getting over it. It was better for me to have said what I said than to cling to any hope he would do what he said he was doing, or to forget he’s a liar. I think the reason I fell so hard for him was that no one has said the things he said to me in such a long time. I miss that, even if it wasn’t true and he was just a manipulator. I miss someone being in love with me, saying beautiful things to me, dedicating songs to me. It felt a lot like first love, like I had never felt like that before. Remember when you were young/er, and you had that first spark of real love with a guy that had it back with you? Remember how you both couldn’t get enough of touching each other, not in a dirty way, but breathing each other in.

The best way I can describe it is in reference to Twilight, I just read it last week, and I haven’t ever read anyone describe falling in love quite the way it is in this book. I can’t even accurately describe how she describes it. The way Edward touches Bella, it evokes a feeling of realness. When I was with Mr. NY, that is how he made me feel. And it was fun, the wrestling, tickling, private jokes, laughter, secrets we told each other, looking into each others eyes and promising that we’d be together forever.  I can still feel that, just a little for him when I remember the good times. When I fell for him he said he was scared to get hurt, but “you separate the men from the boys by those that are willing to try again”. I had tears in my eyes from something someone said to me, that has NEVER happened to me. That was one of 100 beautiful things he said to me. He was if anything, a smooth talker.

But reality sinks in, and it’s like a thousand bricks come tumbling down with a loud crash, and what I’m left with is nothing but lies and disbelief, and a lot of dust. I want that feeling back damn it! I deserve to have that feeling back! I’m angry he did this to us, to me! Mostly, I’m angry at myself. I realize I had a wall up for 12 years after my first love broke my heart. This guy didn’t tear it down, he climbed over it. When he hurt me, it came crashing down as I realized that even having that wall up all this time didn’t protect me from someone who knew how to scale it, that was a professional climber and thief. The realization that I can be hurt, just as bad, if not more, if I kept the wall up, and continued to lie to myself, finally tore it down.

this was my cold black heart

So I become someone else, someone new. I’m not sure who the new me is yet. I’m not sure how to love someone, I don’t know what it should feel like when someone is honest with me and doesn’t have to work to climb a wall to get to my heart. I am glad this happened though, it awoke my heart. I had forgotten what it was like to fall in love with someone. Before him, I was so bitter, so jaded, I swore I’d never get married, that marriage was for suckers. It was a good defense mechanism, it served it’s purpose to get me through school and what I needed at the time. It also probably destroyed a few attempts at relationships over the last few years. I realize my friends, family, hell even people reading this may hate Mr. NY now. But I can see something good come out of this in the end. Me.

Going through all this, new found heart I guess you could call it, has me at a place in my life I’ve never been before. I think I’m ok with it though, not knowing what will happen next. It feels kind of out of my control, which isn’t a feeling I’ve ever liked, but I let it go, and somehow, I still feel ok not having control. I kind of feel like a weight has been lifted, I feel carefree.

My biggest dating mistakes

I won’t pretend this is an original idea for a blog, especially since I stole it from here… http://www.sex-lies-dating.com. But I think the list is a good idea, maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn something from it and stop making these same damn mistakes again!

1. Potential– we’ve all done it. “he has so much potential”. Potential is the biggest load of crap reason to date someone or justify attraction. If you want to bang someone, just do it, don’t give him relationship potential and get all attached. If he doesn’t have it NOW, or isn’t working actively towards it in the very near future (not says he is, but really is), it will NEVER happen. Give up the dream. Potential doesn’t exist.

2. Sex– Having sex too soon when I want a commitment or long term relationship. Or acting like I am cool with what ever he wants to do, we don’t have to be exclusive. I’m not ok with casual sex for myself. I know I can’t sleep with someone for at least a month if I expect him to stick around for more than 3 fucks. But I do make this mistake over and over because I’m a slave/bitch to my hormones, and well, you know what they say about women in their 30′s? Well it’s not true, it’s worse than what they say and worse than you can imagine unless you are in my age group.

3. Words– not saying things to their face. Emails and texts are not the way to express your feelings to a man. Honestly, it’s easier, but I think that means I am not facing myself and my true feelings if I can’t face him. BAD.IDEA. I think in the future, if I’m wanting to say it in email or text, I’ll know it’s not real, it’s real when I can say it to his face and not puke. That’s love!

4. Fix you — I can NOT fix someone. I can’t help them get a job. I can’t change their personality. I can’t repair the heartbreak that makes them untrusting or have a vendetta against the opposite sex. I can’t change how they view women.

5. Not loving myself enough– big mistake. Comparing myself to their ex’s, other people they are dating, younger, skinnier, straighter teeth, smoother skin, tanner, smarter, and sexier women. There is NOTHING wrong with me, I’m beautiful, smart, sexy, caring, nurturing, adventurous, fun and more! Why wouldn’t someone want me?

6. Desperation — This is the biggest one. No, I’m not desperate to have a man in my life. People kept saying “don’t act desperate, it will scare a man away” and I kept thinking, “but I’m not desperate to have a man in my life, I’m happy alone, it’s easier that way”. Well folks, there are 2 kinds of desperation out there, I wasn’t aware of this until last night. Desperate to have a man, and desperate to not get hurt. I’m the latter. At 22 when my heart was broken, shattered and stomped on by the only man I ever truly loved in my life, I vowed to never let that happen again. I built walls to keep men out, tests to see if they would do the same as my ex, learned mind games to keep them just far enough away they couldn’t hurt me, really hurt me, the way he did. I got so good at it, I didn’t know I was doing it, I forgot. It’s been 13 years of doing this, self protection, and it’s funny that it’s such a self fulfilled prophecy. As soon as I liked someone, I was so desperate to not get hurt, I became a doormat so they wouldn’t leave, then played games subconsciously so they would before I liked them and fell in love. That folks is deep, and very fucked up. One of my very best friends in the world, heirloomgardengirl, always says I was too tough on men, put up too many walls. She was right, I was in denial, and denial my friends is the most powerful coping mechanism there is! No one but yourself can break it down.