Archive for July, 2010


The last speech you will ever give

If you had to give the last speech you would ever give, what would you say? What is important to you? I wish I could say that my life growing up was as beautiful as his, I wish I had reached all the goals that he did. I am working towards them now though. I went back to school for a 3rd degree, to be a Nurse, to help people, and that is who I am. My next goal is to have a family and nurture them and give them the life I never had growing up. I’m not sure where or when I’ll find Mr. Right, but I won’t quit looking. I’m going to continue to try to improve my life and meet my goals from here on out. I want to be a Tigger, not an Eor.


Ladies, it’s YOUR FAULT you are single!

Please note the sarcasm in the title ladies, no need to tell me off, I’m on your side, mostly. If you have done online dating, or hell, have a facebook page, you have seen the ad’s for these self proclaimed dating and relationship gurus. They are going to tell you how to catch and keep your man, and why the love of your life bolted. Then they are going to tell you how to fix it…. for a small fee of course. Plus you need to buy their book… and all 7 of their programs on DVD… and of course, don’t forget to subscribe to their newsletter so they can pitch every new product they have at you on a daily basis.

This is my new project to help men with their dating issues, you know you love it!

Ok, so I was curious, just why do men take off when things get serious? And could these self proclaimed gurus’s have any insight? I mean, I was just under the impression men weren’t as self actualized as women, and of course, the dangley things between their legs make them act like pigs. Who knew it was such an in depth subject that we needed this much information! After all, Evan Marc Katz, one of the coaches newsletters said “We men care about two main things: Are you sexy? Are you fun to be around? If you are, we’re coming back for more.” REALLY? That is all there is to it? Wow, I should be swarming with engagement proposals if that’s the case! Huh… so why is it that the men in my life keep getting scared? Well according to Christian Carter it’s because I tried to talk to them, about feeeeeeelings! GASP! *insert me singing “feeeeelllings” right here* Who ever heard of adults acting like adults and talking? I should have not tried to talk to them. I should have played coy, hard to get, not ever called them, or done anything nice for them, and acted like a stripper on a pole all day long… THAT is what men want according to him! Because according to him, it’s MY fault when a man bolts.

Let me say that I do know I’m accountable for some of the times when a man has bolted from me. I clearly see where I’ve gone wrong. The funny thing is, men act needy and clingy too and I’m the one that bolts from them. Believe me, I know all about a level 4 clinger and have had to deal with dumping one, it’s not easy. I also have dated some men that are mature normal and capable of talking about a relationship and where it’s going without being scared. What I don’t like about what these people are saying is that it is the woman’s fault, we are yet to take on another burden, we are now supposed to be responsible for someone else, their emotional maturity, insecurities, and commitment issues.

Christian Carter said today that after a guy starts to distance himself from you, you have 2 choices “Choice #1) Try Talking To Him” or “Choice #2) Inspire His Devotion Again”…. Riiiiiiigggghhhhtttt… because you shouldn’t ever try to talk to a man like an adult, you have to trick him into liking you. The thing I have such a problem with is this; once a man has one foot out the door, I mean, by the time we realize it, it’s too late to do anything. Their decision is made that they don’t want to be with you anymore. He says “I get that it can be a frightening idea that all it takes is just a few wrong words or actions as a woman and “Wham!”… the man in your life that you’ve been sharing so much of yourself with is suddenly not feeling it for you anymore.” in reply to a woman asking for advice. WOW, wait, did he just totally blame this man’s commitment issues totally on her? I get what he’s saying, don’t act needy and clingy. But what if this woman asking him why, wasn’t needy and clingy, what if the guy has issues that she can’t do anything about, are you still going to try to sell her your book…. looks like by the end of the email you have tried books and DVD programs.

Refer to my blog here. This was the end of Brown and I. I had done nothing up until that point that was needy, clingy, asked for attention, or was otherwise different from how I had been all along. I am just like my blogs in real life, just add a little sexy in there. I’m a smart ass, straight shooter, playful, silly, stupid, klutzy, smart, and yes, sometimes bitchy woman. He knew this the first time I met him, I don’t try to hide who I am, I embrace it, and everyone else should too. Yes, I had voiced a concern to him that we slept together too soon. All I said was 8 words “Do you think we had sex too soon?”. Those 8 little words were taken that I was needy, clingy, acting funny? How is that possible based on my previous behavior? I really want to know why I can’t have an open discussion about sex with someone I’m doing it with? Does that mean I can’t say “a little to the left” or “faster, harder, slower” or any other guidance during the act too? What exactly am I allowed to say that won’t be construed as “needy”? If I said “I wish we had more sex” I doubt that would cause such miscommunication. His reaction to my question was based on past experience with a clinger, not on my past behavior. So then when I was positive I was getting the brush off, I figured “eh, what the hell, I’ll try to give him his shit back, if he doesn’t reply, I’ll trash them”… dude tells me to “dial down the crazy”. WTF? You can see the conversation there. I wasn’t needy, clingy, as a matter of a fact, I was pissed by the end of it. I can’t give you exact words before I quoted the conversation because it would give away personal information, but I promise, it was NOT crazy, or needy, I just asked first if I should toss them, or second if I should pass them along to him if that was easier since he didn’t want to see me. All he had to do was say “ya, do that”, but his own guilt issues and well asshole issues, caused him to lump me with his crazy ex and every other clinger he’s had experience with, and also to attempt to make me feel bad, thus eliminating his guilt over pulling the disappearing act, seeing other women, and putting the blame back on me. You see what happened here? I do. And by the way, I’m bringing his glasses to work tomorrow to have a mutual person we both know pass them along to him, outta spite, instead of being the “crazy” he wants me to be and smashing them. Ya, I’m a little pouty, smashy would have been so fun. Damn ethics.

Sorry for the detour, I just think that example was important to drive home a point. Ladies, the thing is this, these “gurus” are out to make money. What they say about men isn’t right for all men, or even the majority of men. Movies like “The Ugly Truth” make it look like it’s up to us to be this perfect dream woman for this totally screwed up, commitment phobic, non-self actualized man. It’s a funny movie, don’t get me wrong, I own it, it totally cracks me up. And if you want that burden and you want to fake who you are for the duration of your relationship or rest of your life to catch that kind of man, by all means, take their advice and change who you are, but i promise you, he’s still going to lie to you and cheat on you and leave you anyway in the end. And where are the books for him, on how to not think we are all clingers and psychos? How about some of them fix their issues for once? Why the hell do I always have to compensate for some exgirlfriends issues? I’m telling you all, I’ve had it up to here. Do you see how high that is, well it’s as high as I can make it go, so deal with it, but I’m holding my hand up REALLY high!

So here is a little relationship advice for all of you. Men and women. Get over it, your past is not your future, your ex is not the same person you are dating now. If you can’t forgive them, yourself, and forget the pain you once felt, you should not be dating again. Get a therapist and get over it. Stop with these guru’s and go to a therapist if you want real advice, a book or newsletter or seminar can’t tell you what is wrong with your specific relationship. If you keep having the same issue over and over and over, go to a shrink if you can’t see what it is you are doing wrong, hell, ask a good friend to help you look at things. Maybe it’s not what you do, but who you pick that is the problem… Maybe if we all take our heads out of our asses for a while we can figure this out and learn to have happy relationships.

Ok, I really just wanted to use this image cause it's funny


The No-Fail Way to Make Me Roll My Eyes

Look into my eyes

There are so many things I roll my eyes at I think I need a list.

1. people who can’t fill out a simple form and say “can you help me with this, I don’t know what goes in the blank that says “ADDRESS””… eye roll!

2. the old short guy that stares at my cleavage rather than looking up at my face at starbucks every morning

3. men that try to play “hard to get” and other such games to get a girls interest rather than just being genuine and sweet

4. people who let their kid scream and throw a fit at the grocery store and do NOTHING to correct their behavior, then give in and hand them the candy.

5. people in line on their cell phones that tell the cashier to hold on while they finish their call and everyone else has to wait because it takes them 10 minutes to pay.

6. People who go running into a business 5 minutes before closing and say “whew.. glad I made it” and then stay 30 minutes after closing time, when they should have planned better, instead the employees suffer staying late.

7. People who make their emergency your problem. It’s not my fault you suck at life and can’t plan ahead!

8. People who always have an excuse that blames someone else for their incompetence.

9. Traffic on the highway over the lake because as soon as people see a lake they go “ooooh, a lake, better slam on my breaks and take a pic” like they have never seen water before….oops, did they just cause an accident?

10. Traffic lights that aren’t synced right. city planners need to either put the lights on timers or use sensors, you can’t use both or traffic gets all jammed up!

11. People who are so busy in their cars texting or calling or doing other things that they sit a a green light, then when you honk to let them know the light changed they flip you the bird. If you need to do other things besides drive, get off the road and do them, then resume driving when you are done!

12. People who don’t pay their bills, get into foreclosure, but party, shop, and otherwise poorly manage their money. BILLS FIRST people!

I could go on forever… if ya can’t tell. I think you can see the theme here, it’s inconsiderate self centered people I can’t tolerate. People need to look up, look around, pay attention, and think of someone other than themselves for once! Isn’t anyone responsible anymore? both socially and economically… the world would be a better place is people took a little personal responsibility.

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My Favorite Comfort Food


Tonight… I’d kill for some chocolate. I’m not a big chocolate or sweet eater normally though. I had to go to CVS today to fill a prescription and as I waited I walked by the area with the mini candy bars in a bag for cheap… I was so tempted to buy a big bag of twix and eat them all. Must be pms, because I can’t think of any other time where I crave chocolate like that.

Usually my comfort food is greek yogurt. The new fat free individual serving size ones. I love the organic one with blueberries. It seriously makes me smile to eat the creamy goodness every day. I think it reminds me of the old kind of yogurt when I was a kid that my mom ate, fruit on bottom, thick and creamy. Nothing like the yoplait of today that is already mixed up, full of preservatives and artificial sweeteners, and way too thin. I like mixing it up and biting into a big juicy blueberry and the flavor explodes in my mouth.

I think I need to go eat one right now!

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“Dial down the crazy please”

is this what a crazy dial looks like?

Never, ever, ever say these words to a woman! Because in effect, you will have just turned the crazy up to a whole new level. Hell, after that was said last night, I had passed crazy 2 exits ago! So the jerk I WAS dating for a few weeks, Brown, left his sunglasses at my house last Friday night. We were supposed to do something Monday and I’d give them back to him, but he stood me up, and I haven’t heard from him. I decided they were either going to be trashed or he needs to reclaim them, but I’m not going to sit there staring at them every day while he decides if he still wants to see me or not, I’m not that desperate. So I ask via text, if he wants me to just trash them or what since he’s pulling the disappearing act on me. He has the audacity to LIE to me and say he’s just been working late and no. I told him I can get them to him thru mutual work contacts, it’s no big deal, he doesn’t have to see me if he wants them. He told me then to “dial down the crazy”… are you kidding me? Oh it was ON! The rest of the conversation went exactly as follows…. with my comments to explain a few things….

Me: “I’m not being crazy, thanks… I don’t like games”

He is soooooooo playing a game

Him: “I’m not a game player either, I have been getting off late and then eating and sleeping, I’m tired”

*coughbullshitcough* He was on okcupid ALL day yesterday at work via his phone and Monday night until 1:30 a.m. can we say LIAR? he can get on okcupid all day but can’t send me a text? gee… wonder why I’m pissed?

Me: “omg, really? You want to go there? Ooook… It’s really not necessary. I just wouldn’t want someone to throw my stuff away. But u want to go there? Lets go!”

Without telling him I know he’s lying, I’m saying “I know you are lying”, but he continues the games, so… let’s do this

Him: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Really? do we have to play it this way? he knows what I’m talking about

Me: “I was trying to be nice n give ur sunglasses back… but u called me crazy, now I’m pissed”

Me: “I’m not ur ex, don’t treat me like the village crazy! Ur just mad cuz ur bein a jerk and I caught u. this is so highschool”

Alright, I’ll be direct, I tell him why I’m pissed, duh! I’m not playing this game, as a matter of a fact, I have nothing left to lose at this point, so I call it like I see it. Plus, my ex use to say the “this is so highschool” thing to me when we’d fight and it always made me feel horrible, I’ve been dying to use it on someone else and see how effective it is.

Him: “Sorry.”

ok, is this sarcastic? or is this an apology?

Me: “sorry for what? I think u at least owe me and explanation as to what u r apologizing for…”

Him: “because ur mad, sorry”

so, I still can’t tell, he’s not man enough to actually pick up the phone or come over, and he’s on okcupid right now chatting it up with some innocent chump about to become his next victim. But, I’m over it, he can either grow a pair or I’m done.

Me: “So ur sorry bc I’m mad? Not bc of ur behavior that made me mad? If u want to take this off the highschool level u know my number. Feel free to man up”

I gotta tell ya, tonight, it’s smashy smashy trashy trashy night for those stupid sunglasses. He never replied to my last message, and I’m ok with that. I said what I had to say, I had nothing left to lose, he was already one foot out the door, might as well be honest and call him out on his childish behavior.

What I think I’m so surprised at is that I’ve been a practicing cougar for most of this year, most guys I date are at least 8 years younger than me, so when they behave like this, I’m not surprised. But this guy is the exact same age as me! And by exact, we share the same birthday. There is no excuse for this behavior except that maybe it has nothing to do with age, but has more to do with the dangley stuff between men’s legs. I am just so.fed.up. at this point. Come on guys, maybe if you took a little time to look at your own behavior you might have a little insight as to our reactions and not feel the need to label us all “crazy”. Hence my blog name, how do you think I got bat shit crazy? Men like this. Men that lie, cheat, steal, manipulate… then call me crazy because I know what they are doing and call them on it. Your right, I didn’t just catch you in bed with someone else, I’m seeing things, that’s right, I’m crazy, keep denying… Well no more ms. nice nurse, my inner bitch is out and not putting up with this anymore.


What Keeps Me Up at Night

It usually starts with a cat, I yell “JACK! leave your sisters alone!” into the darkness, I lay back down and drift back off and suddenly feel a thump. The dog lunges at the foot of the bed, at my feet, which now holds a twenty pound cat between them. I try to move my legs, but you try moving twenty pounds of dead weight on top of the covers between your legs at 2 a.m. I finally lean forward and knock him down again. I lay back against the pillow, roll onto my side and look at the clock. Stupid cat, I hope he leaves me alone now.

Now my mind turns to him, the most recent of my failures, I just realized I was dreaming about him again. He was lying next to me in my dream, the big spoon. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Now I’m angry and hurt all over again. Now I can’t go back to sleep. Now I have to pee, and the room is cold. So I get up and make a mad dash to the bathroom, sitting there shivering and peeing at 2:15 a.m. and run back and dive under the covers where it’s still warm between the memory foam and down comforter. Ahhhhhh, warm, feels good. I forget what was troubling me, at least for the next 3 hours and fall back asleep.

Five a.m., why am I awake when the alarm doesn’t go off for 2 more hours? I should be sleeping for a week, I took two benadryl at 10 p.m. The dog is on her back, legs in the air, snoring and barking in her dream, legs kicking wildly. I’m jealous of my dogs life. I roll over, I’m starting to get angry that I can’t sleep, this never happens to me. I always sleep, in fact I have the opposite problem usually, I can’t wake up, I’m always over-sleeping and running late, but for a week now, I’m up before the sun, staring into the darkness thinking. Thinking about him, about all of them, and wondering what I can do to fix what ever it is that is wrong with me. I know how to be a friend, so why don’t I know how to be a girlfriend? Why do they all run away? I remember my nightmare from a few nights about about spiders, don’t think of spiders, don’t think of spiders, crap, now I’ll really never go back to sleep.

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“If you’re always moving, you can’t build anything”

I spent most of last night in a angry rage, tired of dating, men, getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again and again and did some pretty heavy thinking, mostly wanting to smash Brown’s sunglasses he left at my house, but that’s beside the point. I’m past my anger that I felt last night, and it was intense, probably the most angry I’ve been in a very long time and it was a little frightening to me. Apparently it was building for quite some time, I’m not naturally a very angry person, I have little pissy moments, but true anger just isn’t in my heart. I live by forgiveness and find happiness that way.

So I thought about why online dating wasn’t working for me and why it was. It worked because I had endless attention, conversation, and something to do on a Friday night. I’m by nature an extroverted person, and sitting at home alone on a weekend is not my idea of fun. I don’t mind it on occasion, but I am most happy when I’m with people. This aspect of online dating was perfect for me, and I think it is for a lot of extroverted and attention seeking men as well. It makes it hard to give it up after a certain amount of time. It’s nice to have all these different types of people to talk to and that want to be with you and only see the best side of you, the side you present on the internet.

What is it’s upside is also it’s downfall. I rarely gave a relationship a chance to grow if I didn’t have butterflies and feel a deep connection, and I didn’t delete my profiles or stop going on the sites. On occasion I’d hide my profile, only to find out they hadn’t. A new relationship needs a chance to grow and breathe without all that other competition. If I like someone, such as Brown, but I stay on that site and date other men, like the gay one, or several of the others I dated during that time, do I ever really give Brown a chance? If he stays on there and dates other women, is he really ever giving me a chance? Finding a real relationship online is like saying “I really like this person, but my eye is always open for someone better”, how is that good or healthy for a new relationship? How can either person ever trust the other knowing that? It’s a huge pitfall for this country, divorce is still at an all time high in this country, and gee, I wonder why? We really have no sense of commitment to anything, we want everything now, and then we want to upgrade when we see something we think is better. We do it with our cellphones, why not people? I get that you can’t really compare electronics, they do get outdated and break, but the point is about our society, we are an upgrade, throw away society. That type of thinking isn’t healthy for relationships.

My point is this, if you do decide to do online dating, make sure that the people you talk to and decide to go out with are on the same page. Ask up front if they are willing to delete their profile after you meet to give the new relationship a chance? If they aren’t, move along. Look at the date they joined the site, was it 2 years ago? If so, this prob. isn’t someone that will ever stop looking for that “dream girl” and will always have their eye open for someone better, an upgrade. Relationships, long lasting ones, take work, time, and aren’t always the ones that you feel like you just know he/she is “the one”. How many times have you “just known”? And how many times did it work out for ya? My point exactly. The fact is you shouldn’t know, right away, you need months, maybe years in a relationship, to know. You’ll never get to see what it’s like to enjoy the act of discovery that comes with just committing to trying in a new relationship if you stay online while starting a relationship. A dating coach, that I’m sure everyone has read or seen advertised said in one of his spam emails to me “If you’re always moving, you can’t build anything.” I hate these spam emails, but he is 100% right! He also said maybe relationships aren’t supposed to feel the way you think, maybe my expectations of how it’s supposed to feel are wrong, not the relationships I’ve been in that I left for something better.

Huh… food for thought. Since I don’t know what a healthy relationship should feel like, I don’t remember, I honestly haven’t had a healthy long term relationship since I was 22, maybe I should be open to someone who doesn’t take my breath away right away. I think I’ve been looking at it wrong all along and I think I was right to quit online dating. I hope this new insight I have will change things in the next relationship I embark on. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, or the next relationship I’m in will be like, but I’m ok with not knowing or having expectations of how I should feel anymore.

This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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July 2010

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