“If you’re always moving, you can’t build anything”

I spent most of last night in a angry rage, tired of dating, men, getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again and again and did some pretty heavy thinking, mostly wanting to smash Brown’s sunglasses he left at my house, but that’s beside the point. I’m past my anger that I felt last night, and it was intense, probably the most angry I’ve been in a very long time and it was a little frightening to me. Apparently it was building for quite some time, I’m not naturally a very angry person, I have little pissy moments, but true anger just isn’t in my heart. I live by forgiveness and find happiness that way.

So I thought about why online dating wasn’t working for me and why it was. It worked because I had endless attention, conversation, and something to do on a Friday night. I’m by nature an extroverted person, and sitting at home alone on a weekend is not my idea of fun. I don’t mind it on occasion, but I am most happy when I’m with people. This aspect of online dating was perfect for me, and I think it is for a lot of extroverted and attention seeking men as well. It makes it hard to give it up after a certain amount of time. It’s nice to have all these different types of people to talk to and that want to be with you and only see the best side of you, the side you present on the internet.

What is it’s upside is also it’s downfall. I rarely gave a relationship a chance to grow if I didn’t have butterflies and feel a deep connection, and I didn’t delete my profiles or stop going on the sites. On occasion I’d hide my profile, only to find out they hadn’t. A new relationship needs a chance to grow and breathe without all that other competition. If I like someone, such as Brown, but I stay on that site and date other men, like the gay one, or several of the others I dated during that time, do I ever really give Brown a chance? If he stays on there and dates other women, is he really ever giving me a chance? Finding a real relationship online is like saying “I really like this person, but my eye is always open for someone better”, how is that good or healthy for a new relationship? How can either person ever trust the other knowing that? It’s a huge pitfall for this country, divorce is still at an all time high in this country, and gee, I wonder why? We really have no sense of commitment to anything, we want everything now, and then we want to upgrade when we see something we think is better. We do it with our cellphones, why not people? I get that you can’t really compare electronics, they do get outdated and break, but the point is about our society, we are an upgrade, throw away society. That type of thinking isn’t healthy for relationships.

My point is this, if you do decide to do online dating, make sure that the people you talk to and decide to go out with are on the same page. Ask up front if they are willing to delete their profile after you meet to give the new relationship a chance? If they aren’t, move along. Look at the date they joined the site, was it 2 years ago? If so, this prob. isn’t someone that will ever stop looking for that “dream girl” and will always have their eye open for someone better, an upgrade. Relationships, long lasting ones, take work, time, and aren’t always the ones that you feel like you just know he/she is “the one”. How many times have you “just known”? And how many times did it work out for ya? My point exactly. The fact is you shouldn’t know, right away, you need months, maybe years in a relationship, to know. You’ll never get to see what it’s like to enjoy the act of discovery that comes with just committing to trying in a new relationship if you stay online while starting a relationship. A dating coach, that I’m sure everyone has read or seen advertised said in one of his spam emails to me “If you’re always moving, you can’t build anything.” I hate these spam emails, but he is 100% right! He also said maybe relationships aren’t supposed to feel the way you think, maybe my expectations of how it’s supposed to feel are wrong, not the relationships I’ve been in that I left for something better.

Huh… food for thought. Since I don’t know what a healthy relationship should feel like, I don’t remember, I honestly haven’t had a healthy long term relationship since I was 22, maybe I should be open to someone who doesn’t take my breath away right away. I think I’ve been looking at it wrong all along and I think I was right to quit online dating. I hope this new insight I have will change things in the next relationship I embark on. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, or the next relationship I’m in will be like, but I’m ok with not knowing or having expectations of how I should feel anymore.


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July 2010
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