Archive for August, 2010


How about a fresh pot of steaming…

Well, steaming, STEAM! I got one of those spam emails this morning, I swear I’ve unsubscribed a few times, they go away about a week and then come back. I’ve mentioned them before, the “dating guru” people. This one really got under my skin, REALLY irritated me. I sat here reading it, picking it apart, every bit of what he said was against everything I believe in. He says he speaks for all men, when really, he speaks for himself, his kind of man, which makes me so glad it’s not the type of man I want. I’m sure some of you men out there and even some women agree with him, I however find what he has to say to be a huge part of what is wrong with relationships, why marriages fail, in this country. I’ll get into that in a minute.

He says in this email ” “Eat, Pray, Love” has been on my mind recently. Not in the least because of the big billboard right outside my house, which says: “You Don’t Need a Man. You Need a Champion.” You like the way that sounds, don’t you? Well, if this line speaks to you… If this is the way you truly feel about relationships… If you really resonate with this and are holding out for no less than your own hero… You’re most likely making a HUGE mistake.” I want to scream at him, ‘HOW DARE YOU!’, but I keep reading, and it gets worse, my rage, seething, and anger are about to peak.

would be nice though... no?

“That’s what you’re holding out for in a man. Fair enough. So, for a moment, I’d like you to imagine a movie designed specifically for men. Not an action movie, not a horror movie. A movie about one man’s perfect love. After years of being trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage to a woman who didn’t want to have a baby, Alex leaves his wife to go find himself. Distraught, he decides to have an adventure. He drives to Vegas. He flies to Ibiza. He journeys to Thailand. Until finally, he discovers the woman who gives him everything he needs. He writes a book: “Drink, Play, F@#%”. Howard Stern and Maxim magazine promote the hell out of it, and Alex sells the movie rights. Soon, it’s in a theater near you. You won’t see it, of course, but you can’t miss the ubiquitous billboards: “You don’t need a woman. You need a pornstar who cooks.” ” All I can think, is this guy has to be kidding, I don’t know many men, at least REAL men who want a pornstar who cooks. What man wants something that is always THAT easy? THIS kind of man, I don’t want in my life. I know without a doubt, not all men, not even most men, feel this way. Maybe a few of you on here do, so I’m not excluding some men, but, let me say, without a doubt, this is not what I want in my life. Not to mention, if the character he described about hating his wife and a sexless marriage is what you are in, omg, DO SOMETHING about it! Holy cow, I can’t even believe these words he said! Of course, it only gets worse…

“Men really DO want the Supermodel/Top Chef/Rhodes Scholar. Women really DO want a hero and a champion. And yet, in order to find happiness, we both must relax our fantasies a little bit. Not because they don’t feel great. They do. The reason to relax your fantasies is because they’re unrealistic, and they almost invariably lead to disappointment.” See, here’s the thing, he makes the assumption that by wanting MY hero, my prince charming, I expect him to be perfect. I don’t expect perfection, far from it, but I’m not willing to live a dull, unfulfilling life with someone who less than meets my expectations because I’m so desperate to not be alone.  I’ve been there, done that, I’ve settled for what this author suggests, it also, doesn’t end well, it ends with me hurting this poor schmuck, because this guy, isn’t what I want. If the “normal” guy wants the pornstar that cooks, but settles for me, and I want a hero and settle for him, neither of us is happy. But I don’t want a ‘hero’, and the guy I want, doesn’t want a pornstar, what we want is eachother, the one we are meant to be with. I think this guy doesn’t get it when he “coaches” women, we want the one that draws us like a magnet, the one that feels the same about us. Maybe there are also a small percentage of women out there who do have unreal expectations, maybe I’m the one who’s different in what my fairytale ending is composed of. I encourage the women to speak up, do you want tall dark and handsome, six figure income, a hero to save you, nobel prize winner, all that and a bag of chips? Or do you just want to find the right one for you, the one that other people may not see anything but ordinary, but was created just for you? I think there is a GREAT misunderstanding with these so called dating coaches/guru’s about what women want. When we turn down guy after guy, it’s not that we are being too picky, it’s that the chemistry just isn’t there, and it’s not something you can force. Yes, you can settle, which is what he encourages, so he is right, and makes money. He also encourages you to change who you are, says you won’t ever find what you are looking for, so you should change to what the man wants… WHAT? That pisses me off.

I blogged about it here, , and as much as I think about it, I still stand by my convictions. Romantic, crazy, foolish, unrealistic… maybe, but I’d rather be all those things than settle and be unhappy and then have to divorce someone, travel around, write a book that becomes a movie and have some guru tell the world I should have stayed with the unhappy marriage that I settled for in the first place. Sorry dude, time to unsubscribe… again.


Is it worth it?

I applied for a job about a month ago in the state I moved here from, at a mental hospital, I really didn’t research it, or even where it was, I just got the job listing on the state website. It’s in a TINY town, I mean really really tiny, and closest city/town close to it is an hour away and roughly the size of where I’m living now! Population where I’d be living is about 3300.

They called me last week, to see if I was really interested, I said yes of course! It’s a full time job in the area I want to work in. She said she’d pass my application to the Nurse Manager and they would let me know. Well… today they called! I really didn’t think about it much more, thinking they would probably hire someone closer. But NOPE! So today I’ve been searching for airfare rates, which all turned out horribly high! Plus trying to find a BLS (healthcare CPR) renewal class in my area since mine expires tomorrow! eeeek… but, I found one for tomorrow night. The cheapest ticket I found to this place was $340, plus I’d have to drive 3 hours to the interview, but I’d have a free place to stay with friends and get to go home. I haven’t been back since I left almost 7 years ago, so that is enticing to say the least! Good food, the city, I’m so homesick at this moment I can’t describe how I feel about going back. I want it with every fiber of my being. I just want to run around downtown screaming like a maniac and kissing the dirty sidewalks! Knowing I’m close enough to spend weekends and such with friends would mean the world to me. It’s just not quite close enough.

It’s a good job though, pay is great, free health ins. from the state, awesome benefits. It is essentially what I want to do for the rest of my life, working with the criminally insane, and get my nurse practitioners license in mental health. Downside, a smaller town than even where I am now and nothing close to give me a break. It’s also not exactly where I wanted to live the rest of my life. Ugh… I don’t want to have to move AGAIN in 2 years. I want to get to the Northwest BAD. I need NEW culture, something less southern, something, different, totally different, from what I’m use to. Small town, big city, doesn’t matter when the culture is totally different, and where I came from and where I am now, are both similar cultures.

I’m so torn about this. I want to go, I don’t want to spend the money, even if it’s a cheap buddy pass from my brother it will still cost me around $300+ by the time I’m done with eating and all that stuff. Would the decision be easier if it was somewhere I WANTED to live? I think so. I’m going to buckle down and focus on that as well, for the next few weeks. I’ll tell the state I’m working on getting a airline ticket, and put them off another week, see if I can line up prospects where I want to be. The good side of all of this is it gives me hope, it lit a fire under my ass, to get things started again, looking where I want to be, focusing on what I need to do to get there.

The weird thing, has also brought up this huge amount of emotion about going back. I mean permanently. I walked away from there feeling that there was nothing left for me there, that I was moving on to bigger and better things. Going back almost feels like defeat to me, even though I have a new career, another degree under my belt, and a new outlook on life. I know who I am now, so in a way, I fear going back will bring back who I was, which wasn’t the best place for me. I realize I’ve been in a bad place lately even here, probably the darkest place I’ve ever been, but, I’m still not who I was 7 years ago. I can’t really describe who I was, probably because I didn’t know, so going back to face that scares the living crap out of me. Then, in another sense, I feel like even if I don’t take the job, going back and facing my past might be a big, important step for me in personal growth. It could make me feel better, get me out of this funk I’m in, I can get some of the adrenaline rush things I want to do out of my system for sure! I know where to go and what to do there! I’m so torn now, I doubt I’ll sleep tonight…


Bored outta my mind

Apparently being batshit crazy isn’t enough for me, now add bordem to it. I had a friend over yesterday evening for dinner, hadn’t seen her since May, she’s on the same diet as me and is down to the size I was when I started, so I gave her like 10 pairs of jeans, 4 pairs of dressy pants, and a bunch of shirts that are all way too big for me. Since I never intend to let myself get that size again, I think it’s best to get rid of these clothes. It was probably close to a thousand dollars in clothing, and she REALLY has no money to buy clothes from anywhere but walmart. So anyway, I cleaned my house thoroughly yesterday since I was having company.

Now, I have nothing to do today. It’s hot outside already at 9:30 a.m., and extremely humid, so I can see anything outdoors is going to be miserable. They say it’s not even going to reach 90, but somehow, at 61% humidity, it already feels miserable. I guess I can watch movies, or read a book, or go to the mall. I hate that there isn’t really anything decent for indoor activities to do here. Maybe a movie by myself would be nice today? I guess if there were anything playing I wanted to see, that would be an idea at least. Our theater is so small, I’d have to drive quite a distance to see anything decent.

What’s worse, I don’t have anything interesting to blog about! You all have to read about how I’m BORED! The HORROR! I should just believe in god or something so I can go to church on Sunday’s and then I could blog on the ministers sermon, or at least the cute single men there… ya right! I did have a weird dream last night. My friend from back home had emailed me, telling me she missed me and if I’d just apologize we could be friends again. I kept thinking “apologize for what? you ditched me the second I moved here after a 10 year friendship! you should apologize”. I’m not sure what brought her to my mind, I rarely think about her anymore, we haven’t spoken in 6 years. So um, ya. That’s all I have to say about that.

I wish I didn’t go to bed so early last night, at least then I’d still be sleeping, my day would seem shorter. Now, I guess I’ll go shower and try to come up with something interesting to do with my day so I don’t sit here in front of this computer all day like a zombie, as I am prone to do.


Is Love a Fairytale?

I read a lot about psychology, modern culture, and what’s wrong with society. A common theme among most hypotheses today is that we are wrong to want the fairy tale ending as women, that it doesn’t exist. Blame Disney movies we grew up with, blame Hollywood, blame our imaginations for wanting what doesn’t exist. This notion of the fairytale is supposed to be a modern notion brought to us by a screen and actors, but nothing is real about it. I’m going to challenge this rather popular notion, because the story of the fairy tale, the ever enduring, willing to die for love, starts at the beginning of our written history.

Beginning with Adam and Eve, they defied the all mighty GOD for such a sin as love. We all know the story, or at least the important parts, we get the metaphors, and we understand it’s obviously not a true story, but it is the first love story of sorts to tell us that love, love like this is bad, it seems the writer of this story must have been a nonbeliever. Maybe in the modern day, he would try to tell me that my fairytale isn’t real, that it can never happen? Perhaps, but I think we should move forward in time a bit, or so it would seem since I know that the story I’m about to mention was actually older than the written story of the bible’s Adam and Eve, and all the other, less romantic ones. How about we talk Greek. There are too many stories to list, fairy tales it would seem, more unreal expectations for women to thrust upon less than deserving men. At least that is my opinion. Cupid and Psyche,  Orpheus and Eurydice, Echo and Narcissus, and Pygmalion and Galatea, love stories, fairy tales, fiction… or were they written metaphors for what really happened? Want to skip the Greek’s, ok, lets move on to merry Ole’ England, God Bless the Queen! Lets talk Shakespeare in that case, and the most famous of his love stories, Romeo and Juliet. It is my favorite, not because of some movie with Leo, I loved Shakespeare before it was pop culture, I’ve read this play so many times I can recite most of the lines when I watch almost any version of it being played out. It is of course one of the more tragic love stories, but the moral, the lesson to be learned is not that it’s foolish to love, the lesson is that true love is worth dying for, it’s worth everything. It’s a story that has stood through time, century after century we retell it in a hundred different ways. The lesson is the same. In no particular order, Jane Eyre and Rochester, Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler, Elizabeth Bennett and Darcy, Pocahontas and John Smith, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, Napoleon and Josephine, Tristan and Isolde, Lancelot and Guinevere, Cleopatra and Mark Antony, all love stories across time, I could go on and on and on. 

So lets discuss Disney, it’s my understanding that we should teach young girls that this will never happen, it’s a cartoon, there is no prince charming, and no one will ever love us the way he does, or is it the happy ending that bothers psychologists so much? Should we instead show them Romeo and Juliet instead, show them what can happen, and let them decide if it’s worth it for themselves? How do you teach them the fairy tale can happen, even when it ends, it’s still worth it to fall in love instead of teaching them to marry for practical reasons, to be dull and lifeless, to ignore what is in their hearts? Don’t we do enough to children to stammer their imaginations as they grow up without taking away the fairy tale too?

Why do the naysayers feel so strongly that love this strong isn’t real? It can’t happen? Is it impossible? Or have they just personally given up and settled for what was easy? Maybe it’s not possible for everyone, but I think it’s possible for those that still believe in it. I think when you give up, when you believe what the media says, and let go of your dreams, you won’t find happiness and contentment, you will find you have lost yourself. I suppose there are people out there that just don’t have it in them, they look at us dreamers as crazy, lunatics, as if we live in a fantasy. I think I prefer my fantasy, my stories, and my hope that some day, my prince will come for me. I’d rather go out in a blaze of glory than to have some wet bucket douse my fire.

There is a quote somewhere about the craziest people out there, the ones that believe that anything they dream up can happen are the ones that make their dreams come true. True invention comes from fearless heart, believing in yourself and that your dream can happen. Inventors never say something can’t happen, that it’s impossible, they would never create something unique if they did. This is the way I feel about love. Someday, my prince charming will come, maybe he did and I missed him, but I won’t quit looking for my happy ending, I know it’s out there. All the wet buckets can go find a mop somewhere to suck it up, stay away from my flame!


Maid of HONOR?

I fully expect to wear something along these lines

According to the follow is what is expected of me… .GULP

The following are things that the maid of honor is expected to do:

  • Coordinate with the bridesmaids. This could include keeping them informed about fittings, pre-wedding parties, or anything else they need to know.
  • Host a shower with the help of the bridesmaids. This includes planning, setting up, and splitting the costs.
  • Host, plan, and set up the bachelorette party with the help of the bridesmaids.
  • Pay for your wedding day attire. This includes your dress, jewelry, and shoes. The bridal party is responsible for purchasing their own attire; occasionally a very generous and thoughtful bride will purchase these items for you, but don’t bet the farm on it.
  • Help the bride shop for wedding dresses, or at least offer.
  • Keep the groom’s ring during the wedding ceremony.
  • Arrange the bride’s train at appropriate point in ceremony, if needed.
  • Hold the bride’s bouquet during the ceremony vows. (Be sure to give it back before she trots back up the aisle!)
  • Arrange the receiving line after the ceremony, if applicable.
  • Sign the marriage license if needed.
  • Toast the bride and groom if given an opportunity-this could be at the rehearsal dinner or at the wedding reception.
  • Help where needed at reception; make sure bride has a chance to eat and drink something.
  • Dance in the wedding party dance if applicable.

All of this, for my stepsister/bff that lives in another state over 12 hours away by car, and is getting married even further way in her fiance’s home town in the midwest…. Add to that, I don’t think a single bridesmaid lives in her state or the one she’s getting married in! This will be uh.. interesting to say the least. Add to it, I’ve only ever been in 2 weddings, and never been a maid of honor. I think the worst part for me will be giving a speech! I know I know, you all think if I can write all this here, surely I can say it out loud… you couldn’t be more wrong. My fear of public speaking goes so deep I can barely get  a word out, my voice cracks, I shake, and I forget anything I’ve memorized or prepared and can’t read out of note-cards since my hands are shaking so bad. I guess I’ll have to get drunk. At least at a wedding or rehearsal dinner no one expects me to be sober, unlike giving a speech at school. Then they expect me, white girl, to dance? as in like slow dance with someone? or can I just get out there and shake my money maker like I have a clue? Given the date of the wedding, I have a few ideas of my own about things I can bring to the table. It’s on Friday the 13th… they actually wanted this, her fiance says it’s a lucky date for him, and it’s the only one next year.

You can't expect me to leave a date like this alone can you?

So here is what I will bring to the table in my own unique and surprising way:

  • First things first, a hockey mask and bloody knife of course!
  • I think it only appropriate to surprise the bride by having all of the wedding party learn and dance the thriller dance instead of the electric slide. Wearing the hockey mask of course!
  • Writing “Help me” on the bottom of the grooms shoes so when he’s kneeling at the alter everyone will see it.
  • Put confetti and glitter in the heating/air-conditioning vents of the car.

I’ll come up with more things I can do, both for the parties I have to give and attend and the wedding and reception. I’m not going to ruin it of course, but I am going to give them a hard time!

You can’t be surprised considering I’ll probably be wearing some bright orange puffy sleeved too short shows my cellulite dress that she picked out. Or the fact knowing my sister she will be playing pranks on all of us no doubt for the next year until the wedding!

But I am actually honored she chose me. My sister and I have known each other for almost 20 years now. As soon as we met at 16 years old, we were instant best friends. Being best friends with your sister isn’t unheard of, but with a step sibling it is kind of rare. I have 4 other step siblings and I pretty much can’t stand any of them. Not to mention my half siblings I’m actually related to, not a huge fan there either. So to be as fortunate enough to have my best friend be related to me by marriage makes me quite fortunate. We use to write letters to each other snail male before the dawn of email and pc’s or facebook, and long distance was quite expensive back then so it was limited as well. We were always states away but kept in touch. I was in her first wedding as well, not maid of honor, but none the less, I was there. We can get on the phone and talk and laugh for hours sometimes, and like last night we make up inside jokes and add to them and can be laughing so hard we are in tears and our faces hurt. And when times are hard, she is one of the few people I turn to and I am for her as well. So it really is an honor to stand with her at her wedding. But remember who’s writing this blog, if you think it didn’t bring up other things for me, think again. But we’ll discuss those at a later date. I’m at work now trying to write this and keep getting interrupted.



World English Dictionary
virtue —  [vur-choo] noun
1. the quality or practice of moral excellence or righteousness
2. a particular moral excellence: the virtue of tolerance
3. any of the cardinal virtues (prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance) or theological virtues (faith, hope, and charity)
4. any admirable quality, feature, or trait
5. chastity, esp in women
6. archaic an effective, active, or inherent power or force

Of the things my mother didn’t teach me, Virtue would be one of them. I’d never consider her a virtuous woman by any means either. She’s been married 5 times, has 2 children with 2 different men. She left my father when I was 5 after having an affair, and my older brother catching her in the act by hiding in the closet with a baseball bat I might add!  Not only did she not practice a chaste life, it was lacking virtue in any way shape or form and she was proud of it. She talked to me as if her exploits as a single woman were normal, ok, and to be expected in this day and age. You know, being a modern woman and all, we shouldn’t deny our urges. I could go on for ages about how fucked up my family is and the lessons I learned as a young woman. But lets just say I can identify with Agustin Burroughs in Running with Scissors, even without ever being left to live with my mothers insane shrink. We had more than enough insanity in our own house. Somehow, I just knew, and thought my whole life “don’t be like this, this is not right”. I’m sure to some extent I caught some of the crazy, the lack of virtue, I’m definitely not a virgin or a saint, but I like to think I know right from wrong.  But, still, I don’t feel my virtue is intact.

Now myself being a modern woman, have formed my own opinions on these matters of right and wrong, chastity, and all the fundamentals of virtue. I’m not sure where I got my ideas from, seeing as they certainly weren’t morals handed down by my mother or father, but somehow I think I’ve figured it out finally. I’m not speaking from a Christian point of view mind you, I’m definitely not “Christian” in the sense I believe Jesus died for our sins, or even that he was in fact the son of god, or real for that matter. However non-christian, agnostic, or whatever you want to call me, I do find value in the lessons the bible teaches. Someone had to tell people not to have sex with farm animals, only have sex with your wife (prevents the spread of diseases), don’t murder, don’t steal, and not only to live this way, but to give them a reason to live this way. I’m sure the promise of heaven wasn’t enough for everyone, reason wasn’t enough, some people need the threat of punishment, the wrath of god. Who better to teach the word of god but his own son? It’s a great idea if you think about it. But, I’m not writing this to begin a philosophical debate on the existence of god or Christianity.

Something I wonder though, can you get virtue back? Or is it one of those things, like virginity, is lost forever? Is it possible for a man to see a woman who’s led a less than virtuous life in her past as pure now? For instance, a woman my age isn’t likely to be a virgin, quite frankly I’d find it a bit strange if I hadn’t made a few mistakes along the way, however, if I were to tell the next man I date that I had no intention of having sex again until I’m married, would he take that seriously? or would he still try figuring that unlike if I were still a virgin I wasn’t serious because I didn’t feel that way in my past? I’m not saying that is what I’m going to do, but I am considering it. Not as some sort of test of faith for the guy, not just because I want to be respected, but because I want HIM to want to respect me that way. Certainly the movies say it can be done, the list is a mile long of movies that show the man falling in love with the sinner, the whore, the bad girl gone good. Pretty woman, Moulin Rouge are the best examples, Gone with the Wind, Maid in Manhattan, Unfaithful, are all close enough. I know tons of guys who go for the bad girl, I mean, clearly if I use my own mother as an example, she’s had no difficulty finding a man, hell they all want to marry her! And she has NO virtue. BUT, as an insider looking at her life, and the level of happiness she has, I know I want more. I want someone who at least treats me as if all my virtue isn’t forever lost.

Growing up in a time where the above video was my role model, I can see where things went wrong for my generation and future generations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s blasphemous and I love it, but should I at 10 or 12 years old have been looking up to this woman? Singing this in the mirror and dressing like her? Or should my mother have at least had a conversation with me about what’s wrong with her and the message she is sending and not allowed my mimicry of her? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations now, I don’t know? But I think for the act of love you should be in love. And if there is any chance of regaining my virtue, I plan on trying.

As I always encourage responses, I do not wish to be preached to about what the bible says and doesn’t say, or anything about the philosophy of religion. Please keep your religious views to yourself if they intend to convert or condemn. If you choose not to, I will delete that type of comment.


my own personal hell

So it seems karma found a better way to punish me this week. It seems Browns best friend will be at my work every day for the rest of the week. It will only be a few minutes every day I have to see him, but that is enough for him to report back that he saw me, how I looked and acted to Brown. CRAP! I really thought I had this douche bag out of my life. The last thing I need is some reason for him to try to contact me again. Guys that pull what he did, leaving things open without closure with me, always come back, or try. It may not be this week, but I do believe the impending doom feeling I was getting Saturday was this bomb about to be dropped on me.

It’s not like I care what his friend tells him, but I have to be very careful what I say so that he doesn’t get the idea I care what Brown is up to, or that I want him to call me. Quite the opposite. I want to make it clear I don’t, without saying it. I would have taken a week of vacation time had I known about this last week, then he would probably forget I existed when he stepped into my work, thinking Brown had told him I worked at a different location and he was mixed up. But noooooo, can’t play hookey or a whole week now, too late!

Yes, I'm talkin Kirstie Alley frump!

My friend told me to make sure I look really good all week so he’d report back to him how hot I looked. I’m not out for revenge, I don’t care enough, and I don’t want him to want me. I want him to go away. I’m afraid my reaction to his other coworker when he said the best friends name today might have been enough to spread the word. I’m pretty sure I turned bright red and spun around in my chair and said “fuck” under my breath a million times when I thought he stepped out the back door. So I plan to do the opposite of look pretty, I’m going to be a mess! I’m going to wear clothes 2 sizes too big, fat girl clothes, not do my hair at all, and wear no makeup, all.damn.week. Maybe, just maybe, his friend will only ask what he saw in me and that will be the end of the conversation. Think it will work? I’m not that lucky. Best I can hope for is Brown being the coward he is will only text me and I can ignore it and go on pretending he never existed. Right?

They always come back, always. “I was stupid, you are so amazing, I was just scared” or “I wasn’t ready to be with you” I even had one say “I really liked you but you had all these weird ideas about who I was”… uh, dude, did you really try to blame you being an asshole to me on “ideas” you thought I had? Uh, how about no, you are still an asshole, go away now! Buh bye now, run along! Much like Mr. NY’s email in desperation telling me to listen to “Amazed” by whatever country band plays that song. NO, to little too late bub. I’m done! But, thus is my life, and my luck, and this one will do it too, just a matter of time, and how big of balls he has as to what excuse he gives me and how. Oh well, at least I can sleep in this week, don’t have to worry about looking decent!

This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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August 2010
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