Lots of thinking today

There was a picture on here of me, but since my blog was recently forwarded to me by someone on facebook that didn’t read back or realize it was my blog but was just forwarding a funny post of mine, I had to delete all personal stuff that could be tracked back to me, sorry. 😦

This morning’s email did a number on me, initial reaction was that I’m mad, I still am mad, but I am getting over it. It was better for me to have said what I said than to cling to any hope he would do what he said he was doing, or to forget he’s a liar. I think the reason I fell so hard for him was that no one has said the things he said to me in such a long time. I miss that, even if it wasn’t true and he was just a manipulator. I miss someone being in love with me, saying beautiful things to me, dedicating songs to me. It felt a lot like first love, like I had never felt like that before. Remember when you were young/er, and you had that first spark of real love with a guy that had it back with you? Remember how you both couldn’t get enough of touching each other, not in a dirty way, but breathing each other in.

The best way I can describe it is in reference to Twilight, I just read it last week, and I haven’t ever read anyone describe falling in love quite the way it is in this book. I can’t even accurately describe how she describes it. The way Edward touches Bella, it evokes a feeling of realness. When I was with Mr. NY, that is how he made me feel. And it was fun, the wrestling, tickling, private jokes, laughter, secrets we told each other, looking into each others eyes and promising that we’d be together forever.  I can still feel that, just a little for him when I remember the good times. When I fell for him he said he was scared to get hurt, but “you separate the men from the boys by those that are willing to try again”. I had tears in my eyes from something someone said to me, that has NEVER happened to me. That was one of 100 beautiful things he said to me. He was if anything, a smooth talker.

But reality sinks in, and it’s like a thousand bricks come tumbling down with a loud crash, and what I’m left with is nothing but lies and disbelief, and a lot of dust. I want that feeling back damn it! I deserve to have that feeling back! I’m angry he did this to us, to me! Mostly, I’m angry at myself. I realize I had a wall up for 12 years after my first love broke my heart. This guy didn’t tear it down, he climbed over it. When he hurt me, it came crashing down as I realized that even having that wall up all this time didn’t protect me from someone who knew how to scale it, that was a professional climber and thief. The realization that I can be hurt, just as bad, if not more, if I kept the wall up, and continued to lie to myself, finally tore it down.

this was my cold black heart

So I become someone else, someone new. I’m not sure who the new me is yet. I’m not sure how to love someone, I don’t know what it should feel like when someone is honest with me and doesn’t have to work to climb a wall to get to my heart. I am glad this happened though, it awoke my heart. I had forgotten what it was like to fall in love with someone. Before him, I was so bitter, so jaded, I swore I’d never get married, that marriage was for suckers. It was a good defense mechanism, it served it’s purpose to get me through school and what I needed at the time. It also probably destroyed a few attempts at relationships over the last few years. I realize my friends, family, hell even people reading this may hate Mr. NY now. But I can see something good come out of this in the end. Me.

Going through all this, new found heart I guess you could call it, has me at a place in my life I’ve never been before. I think I’m ok with it though, not knowing what will happen next. It feels kind of out of my control, which isn’t a feeling I’ve ever liked, but I let it go, and somehow, I still feel ok not having control. I kind of feel like a weight has been lifted, I feel carefree.


12 Responses to “Lots of thinking today”

  1. August 7, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    Enjoying reading your blog. It’s a hellish world out there. I’m in NYC and my friends and I find it so difficult to meet quality men who are not narcissistic or self important/absorbed. Good luck with dating!

    • August 7, 2010 at 11:17 pm

      I think I would kill to be in NYC, to be lost in the crowds, I’m so totally out of place in this town. Limited opportunities here for dating, no one is real, it’s all about who has the better car, the bigger boat, the better orange tan, and who’s girlfriend has the most plastic surgery. Ugh. I miss real people. I’m headed to the city soon though, soon after I get a new job, I need some time to get lost in the city.

      • August 8, 2010 at 9:37 pm

        I wish I could say NYC is better. Here it’s all about “could I do better?” and no one really commits to anything. Well, a few do I suppose, but finding them is not easy.

        Good luck to you! All past relationships should teach us something new about ourselves and bring us closer to what we really want.

        • August 9, 2010 at 12:16 am

          It’s all about that here too. I think that is today’s mentality in general about relationships. Upgrades. At least the odds are more in your favor in NYC, here…. surburbia? families with kids? not such good odds, unless you are one of the “lake people” I mentioned above.

  2. 5 Esme
    August 7, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    I understand wanting to be loved, needed, wanted…sigh.
    I have lost myself in those Twilight books as well! Not that I want a vampire, but someone who loves me would be nice! 🙂
    Good luck with the dating…look forward to reading about it!

  3. August 7, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    Yes, good luck with the dating. A wise eleven year old told me once that to find what you are looking for you have to stop looking because once you do it will come to you. It’s my creedo now. btw, I really like the image of the black heart.

    • August 7, 2010 at 11:20 pm

      I wish I believed that waiting would get you what you wanted, but it didn’t work for me before, I’m 35, still single, still waiting. I think it’s time I go out and grab what I want. I think with all the male drama this summer, I forgot what I was supposed to be doing, enjoying the summer of me. I suppose it’s not too late, summer is almost over, but it’s still warm. Tomorrow, I come up with a plan.

  4. August 7, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    I would wish you luck on your dating, and such, but we all know the luck you attract when it comes to men. So rather then wish you luck, I shall shake and wave my fairy wand feverishly in an attempt to make the man the you deserve appear. 🙂

    • August 7, 2010 at 11:24 pm

      thank you my wish genie! can you wish my headache away now too?

  5. 10 dontknowwhoyouare
    August 7, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    Last time i checked taking a cell phone picture of yourself is not illegal-ha :):

  6. August 8, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    okay….bbaaaaaahahahaha @ the cell pic(and thank u btw..I needed that giggle today!)! V, you’re sooooo BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!
    You know, the more I read of you, the more I just adore you girl….it’s uncanny how much we have in common…truly!! I must say yet again (yeah, I’m repetitive sometimes…hehe), how wonderfully fortunate I feel to have found you here and connected with such a beautiful kindred spirit…xoxoxo♥♥

    • August 8, 2010 at 7:36 pm

      I knew you would love the pic KaPau! And thanks. I was having a rather rough morning yesterday, so I thought I’d add some humor to my day. I’m glad we found each other too! I hope that we can continue to share our lives and …adventures 😉 xoxoxo to you too! MWAH!

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