09
Aug
10

Straight, Straight, ….. kinda?


I’m telling this story because KaPau! reminded me of the typical scene when I go out ends up in similar predicaments as she does. A few months ago, I went out with 2 girlfriends to this really neat bar in a neighborhood in the small city that I usually really like. It was cold outside, so most of the outdoor activities like ping pong, cornhole, and other games are closed or not really getting much use, everyone is inside huddled around the bar. The bar is a long bar to the right of the door when you walk in, kind of an L shape, curving to the right with the corner right by the front door, the short edge kind of in a nook in the corner with a few tables by the front window, a little more cozy there. We walk in and right on the corner of the bar are two lesbians making out, not just kissing mind you, but groping, face swallowing, making out. Little offensive, not because they are gay, I’m just as offended by straight people doing that out in the open. Take it somewhere more private, not right at the front door people, it’s just tacky.

We look around for seats, crap, nothing but over on the short side in the nook… .next to the lesbians. So we grab 3 bar stools and sit. Well at the time I had given up smoking for almost a year, but both of my friends were smokers. So they were up and down going outside to smoke. Finally, the girls stopped making out behind us, and one got up to go to the bathroom, leaving the more masculine of the couple alone. She swings around on her barstool to us, very drunk, and looks at the three of us, points and me and says “Straight”, points at my greek friend and says “Straight”, then points at my redheaded friend (who consequently has the same haircut as the butch girl) and says “Kinda”. “Straight, straight…. kinda”. We all crack up, well except the “kinda” one. She’s offended, she is going through a divorce, she likes men, but I do admit, there are times I’ve wondered about her. Maybe it’s just b/c she’s a powerful woman, an attorney, loudmouth, who loves baseball? Maybe it was the cutting of the hair to that spiky in the back long in the front, very butch cut? Idk… anyway, so very funny. So my friends take off to go smoke, her girlfriend is out with them,  and I’m left with butch… remember, she knows I’m straight, she deemed me straight, no gaydar has ever gone off when someone looks at me, I have zero gay in me short of being the best fag hag on the planet! She scoots up next to my stool and I’m fine being friendly to her, she’s talking about how this isn’t even her girlfriend, this chick she’s with is married and in the closet, then she proceeds to put her hand on my leg, and not only sit it there, slides it up a little too high for comfort! I grab her hand, put it back on her lap and say “no thank you, ‘straight’ remember”. She said “ya, I know, but you are pretty, can’t a girl dream?”…. what the hell, go home dream about me all you want, I don’t care, but do NOT put your hands on me in THAT way. So my friends come back and we kind of ignore her and her lover, when we realize they are gone. Whew…. right?

Not so fast… now there is a guy sitting there with a treble clef tattoo on his neck, crazy eyes, texting furiously, and he keeps looking at ME. Of course, can’t look at my friends, can’t look at the 50 other girls out in the rest of the bar. Instead looking at me, over and over, and every time I look, I can’t help see him because he’s in my line of sight to the rest of the bar where I’m trying to scope for hotties! So now he thinks I’m looking at him. GREAT. Off go my friends again… here he comes, scooting down the bar seats at me. Volunteering immediatly that he is texting with his MOTHER, tellin her he’ll be home by midnight… oh yes folks, it gets worse. Then tells me his mom is a nurse too, and the greatest woman on the planet, he loves nurses, and he never wants to not live with his mom. I got the feeling he would still breast feed from her if he could…. He also said “I'”m not crazy or anything! I mean, I’m bipolar, but I’m not crazy, they let me out of the hospital and said I was ok now”. I’m about to cry at this point, ready to start smoking again, just to be free of this guy! I finally text my friends to PLEASE come back! The Greek comes back, turns out my other friend met a guy outside and is making out with him… guess the “kinda” comment scared her enough to prove there was no “kinda”. Whatever, just SAVE me! So finally I go outside with them to freeze and stand under the heaters… it’s closing time now, and as we turn to walk in, the guy my friend is making out with is behind me and cops a feel of my ass as my friend grabs his other hand to pull him past me! yes, he didn’t just accidentally brush by my ass, he grabbed a handful and made it clear it was intentional. I tell my fiend, she’s hurt, but says she doesn’t really care, he’s here from out of town, and will never see him again anyway, it was just fun to make out. oooook. Can we just leave?

And that is what happens to me when I go out to bars, with my friends. You can see why I chose online dating over the more traditional method of  meeting people?

Here’s a funny, looking for pics of the inside of the place, I found a video of former pres. clinton visiting there, lmao… it starts off with him at the bar and secret service all around him, sitting in the exact spot all the crazies that hit on me that night were in!

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5 Responses to “Straight, Straight, ….. kinda?”


  1. August 9, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    OMG girlllll!! TOO FUNNY!! Reminds me of soooooo much…and kinda makes me almost wanna do an entire blog on these lovely experiences we’ve had. No wonder we get along so well, the Universe has graced both of us w/ so many similar and unbelievably crazy experiences… Well, aren’t we the lucky chosen one’s??!! Always good for a few laughs though:)
    Really got a kick out of the “would still be breast feeding” bit!!!!

  2. August 9, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    And the irony is, this is where Bill effin Clinton hangs out when he comes to Charlotte? lmao! It figures doesn’t it? I haven’t been back there in a long time, but last time we rolled up, the butch les was walking out the door to her car… she didn’t see us, if she did, she didn’t remember us. Whew… I think I’ll stick to my twilight books. I thought online dating men were freakiedeeky, then I tried bars, I went right back to online. Now I’m torn… maybe it’s just ME that attracts them? Why can’t I attract Edward Cullen if strangeness seems to be so drawn to me? lol

  3. 3 Roxy
    August 10, 2010 at 6:31 am

    I just found your blog and have to say this is a great story, and you describe it so well. As a chain-smoking, drunken ex-gogo dancer from the 1960s, I’ve put a few wacky dating stories like yours in my blog – like the bar pickup I spent a weekend with that was so infatuated with me he had the name “Brenda” tattooed on his back over 300 times as a tribute to me. I never gave guys my real name if I met them in a bar (my name is Roxy), so I felt kinda bad about that for a minute. Or in the last week or so – one of my readers asked if he could buy a bottle of my urine as a keepsake. I turned him down, but started thinking, if he paid for shipping, it would have been pure profit…

    I’m not a lesbian too much either, but have always been open to alcohol-fueled experimentation.

    Keep up the good work here…

    Roxy

  4. August 10, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Ummm….wtf?

    • August 10, 2010 at 4:47 pm

      girl…. I texted ya… I have NO idea!


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