I guess you could say I have it. I feel quiet inside, very still, somber somehow. I feel like through this mood, I’m still searching for something in my mind, another elusive epiphany maybe? No wait, that doesn’t describe it exactly either… it’s an aching, like there is a hole, part of me missing, lost, gone maybe?

It’s Friday the 13th, I believe in fact the last one of the year, the next one, next year in May, my sister will be getting married. I believe sometime after that, my other sister will be married as well. I think all my siblings being married short the one I disowned and will probably be married before me anyway, has me thinking. I wonder if I ask too much in a soul mate, a partner for life, if I should settle for less. Did they settle for less, or did they somehow seem to find exactly what I’ve been searching for my whole life? If they found it, why can’t I? Or did I and I screwed it up, letting it slip through my fingers without realizing it? I don’t know the answers to these questions, I think I don’t want to know.

I didn’t ever want to get married, I was ok with just finding “him”, my soul mate, the one I was meant to be with forever. But for some reason, probably hormonal, I started to think I wanted a family and kids and a husband. I’m not sure why for a few months I thought that, but I think it has a lot to do with what is expected of me. I think I’m back to myself again, the hormones are under control, and despite my quest to find “him”, I don’t want to marry him, I don’t feel the need to have kids anymore. My only want is what it has always been, to not settle, to find the one I know I’m meant to be with and then be with him until the day we die. It’s not that I feel incomplete, well right now I do (which is entirely new to me), but I’ve always felt like a whole person, just that part of me aches, burns, and hurts. I wish I could better express the aching in my heart that I feel ever waking hour, that has always been there, that never leaves the back of my mind, that I’ve lived with as long as I can remember. It’s always been there, even when I was too young to understand it, and I am usually able to push it deep down away from where anyone can see it, usually. Everyone sees the smiling me, the happy me, no one has ever truly seen what’s inside, I’m not sure how they would handle me if they did, but I think I wish someone could. I think I wish there was a “him” that I could share this with, who would understand instead of running away. This is just a small glimpse, of craziness, of pain, of sadness, that is always just under the surface of my smiles and nervous chatter. My art always showed a glimpse of it, but I stopped making art, it became too painful when other people saw it and knew what was inside me, especially those I loved, it hurt them to know that I hurt, it scared them to see the depths of me.

Maybe that is my destiny, to walk the earth alone, searching and never finding. Maybe there is a bigger picture for me to find along the way, something else that I’m not seeing right now. I keep finding myself speechless, nothing to say to anyone, just wanting to run away from here right now. A distraction would be good for me if I could afford the airfare or time off work.

Right now, I can’t fake it, and I know I need to by tonight, a friend needs me to be the smiling strong face she knows while she’s in a bad place. So I’m going to do my best, to kick my own ass to smile, put on the strong front I always do of the strong, smart, independent woman everyone tells me I have to be. And when my friend leaves, and I’m alone, I’ll go for a walk, in the dark, and break down again.

3 Responses to “Melancholy”

  1. August 13, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    You are not alone in having these feelings. I don’t believe that we, or anyone for that matter, should settle for less than what rocks our world – mentally, emotionally, physically.

    There was a post on CNN.com today about one single woman’s explanation on “why is she still single?”. I think it’s so easy to relate to the author. And I do believe that often times, it is just luck that people found their “one”.


    Try to enjoy yourself tonight and know that you aren’t the only one having these thoughts.

    • August 13, 2010 at 7:33 pm

      She reminds me of my “other side”, the one that started this blog, the one that I’m not today. I know it just hasn’t happened yet. I realize that, but I feel like it should have and I may have missed my chance. But I’m just so tired of waiting alone, with my cats and dog. I’m tired of taking care of myself, doing all the chores, and when I have had a horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day… coming home to all but an empty house full of animals who have nothing to say back, who can’t really hug me, not the way I need it, who’s main motivation for loving me is the can of mushed up meat in my hands.

      I want to scream, “IT’S MY TURN DAMN IT!” And instead, I open the fridge, get a beer, plop down in my favorite oversize red chair and ottoman, throwing my laptop on my knees or a book, turn on the sound dock, and space out until it’s time to sleep and do it all over again.

      Doesn’t help that the music at work is so horrible right now, it makes me tense and angry and frustrated, ready for a fight. It’s orchestra music, the kind you hear in the background of a chase scene in a cartoon from the 70’s or 80’s. Lots of winds and strings, faster and faster and more furious… it makes me actually feel violent, unlike real classical music which relaxes me, and makes me peaceful. My “boss” aka. asshole, aka., step dad, knows this, and plays it blaring all day, until something quiet and beautiful comes on, then he changes it to this kind of thing again until I’m ready to explode. I wish I hadn’t forgotten my ipod headphones today of all days. TGIF.

  2. August 14, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    V…you are so not alone…I could have written this myself bc I understand and so often feel these very same things…and just like you, I have since I was a child too. When I think of that lately, I try to remember one of my favorite quotes ever,
    “”Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
    — Candace Bushnell (Sex and the City)

    Now, I’m not sure I *totally* buy into that…Although after my horrible experience with losing that deep, soul-satisfying love, I sorta lean toward believing this even more now, but like you, I’d like to meet a life partner (male) who is my soul mate and I’m not sure that’s going to happen twice for me…I feel I was extraordinarily fortunate that it even happened once.
    Anyway, what I do know (although I effin HATE the thought sometimes bc it’s so freakin’ hard to accept!!!!!!) is that you should never beat yourself up for long with the “one that got away” thoughts….those thoughts are soul-torturing and they put us in a negative state of loss instead of a positive state, which I really believe is what draws positive ppl to us. Your soul mate is healthy for you…a positive soul to counteract(but understands too) the sadness you’ve fought for so long…so allowing yourself to think as though you had it and lost it is counter-productive. If he was your life-long soul mate, you couldn’t have lost him..unless he was a transitional soul-mate, in which case it was only meant to be for a time in order to help open parts of you to being ready for the permanent one…
    You can smack me virtually if you feel like it..I hope this doesn’t sound like a Polly Anna lecture of sorts…. Just thought I’d share with you some of my thoughts and feelings about this kind of thing…for whatever it’s worth…
    Please call if you need me…you don’t have to fake it for me either….and I’m not just blabbering here..I mean it♥

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