That is what I am now. I understand the hole in my chest I’m feeling now. I’ve been knocked down so many times, had my heart broken so many times, it’s now shattered, too many tiny pieces to try to put it back together again, I can’t get back up again. With each piece that was left I tried to get back up, use what was left to make it whole again, like a lizard regrows a tail, until finally, every last part is broken, gone and there is nothing left to regrow. That is the hole. It’s not a specific person or heartbreak, it’s the sum of all of them, even the little disappointments, chipping away, what I thought was mending was only going to take another sliver. I just don’t have the strength to get back up again.

This doesn’t come from recent heartbreak, it’s not from Brown, I never loved him, I barely liked him, he was though, another disappointment, the last little speck of my heart that was left, was spent trying to like him, to regrow the heart I had once upon a time. I expressed my pain to all men in my letter to him, the one I never sent and posted on here. He was however never worthy of my love, not that I had any left to give. I gave my last bit of love, my heart, to Mr. NY, and although I believe he did love me in return, he ruined that piece I gave to him, crushed it with lies and manipulation. I told him goodbye, he left the country, and those fences are not ones that can be mended. What’s done is done and I don’t regret saying what I said.

Yes, I burn, yearn, ache for true love. I fear, I know, if it finds me, I’m too broken that I’ll have nothing left to give. That part of me is missing, and I can’t share that anywhere but here. So I’ve come to a conclusion that I have to move. There is nothing left for me here, moving here in the first place was a mistake. It’s contributed to crushing what little spirit I had left in me, and all the love I had left was also lost here. I can’t look at this place anymore, I hope that if I can get far far away, some shred of who I am can be found and rebuilt. This is something I know I need to do, I need to do it alone, and maybe if I can’t rebuild who I was, I can start from scratch and build a new me, but I can’t do it here.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” — Washington Irving

5 Responses to “Broken”

  1. August 18, 2010 at 5:37 am

    V…I so understand how you’re feeling….way more than I like to admit or remember even… These very things wre some of the driving force which pushed me to move over 2,000 miles from my home, all I’ve ever really known, and the only man I ever (and may ever?) loved. It’s so easy to get caught in a rut and while I don’t think moving is always the answer, I DO believe that regenerating your enironment, your routine, your perspective, does/can assist in pushing you to move forward through pain that doesn’t feel like it will ever heal. I’m 2k miles away and mine hasn’t, but I can say that broken-ness does just feel *different* being so far from the “scene of the crime”…if that makes any sense?
    Hell, I don’t know anything girl..I’m still broken in my own mind and soul and I can’t even see the person I once was when I look in the mirror today, but after 4 years of living “broken”, I do finally have the hope that I won’t always feel *this* way…. I may never be whole again or like I was and I really miss those parts of me….but I AM regenerating while in a different environment..not sure into what exactly..hehe….but I’m still breathing and I’m still fighting, and I’m re-learning hope and faith…all good things.
    You are beautiful and strong and intelligent. You are so much more than your feeling of broken-ness…I promise!!! I really do know these things…no really, I do 🙂

    • August 18, 2010 at 11:53 am

      I really hope that I can shake this feeling soon, I really do want to move though. I’ve wanted to since coming to this hell hole town! I have been applying for jobs all over the west coast, it’s time to go soon. I has a dream I moved last night.

  2. August 18, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Woohooo…maybe a premonition? 😉

    • August 18, 2010 at 3:59 pm

      Well I signed up on this website for nurses, they claimed in big bold print, new grads welcome… they just called. “Well we don’t take new grads, we require 2 years experience for travel nursing”. I said, I didn’t sign up for travel nursing, and your ad says “new grads welcome” nothing about travel nursing at all. Maybe they should fix that? I hate these crappy staffing companies that false advertise, they need to say the years experience needed up front so they stop wasting people’s time filling out forms all day.

      And whatever the dream was, I pulled a butt muscle BAD. I can barely walk today! Right butt cheek is KILLIN me!

  3. 5 Sam373
    October 20, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Vendetta, I hear you, i dare to feel and even share what you feel. Consider this and give me some feedback. (http://wp.me/pBKhv-4I)

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August 2010

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