Main Entry: coward

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: person who is scared, easily intimidated

Synonyms: alarmist, baby, caitiff, chicken heart, chicken liver, chicken, craven, cur, dastard, deserter, faint-of-heart, faintheart, fraidy-cat, funk, gutless, invertebrate, jellyfish, lily liver, malingerer, mouse, pessimist, poltroon, quitter, rabbit, recreant, scaredy cat, shirk, shirker, skulker, sneak, weakling, white liver, wimp, yellow belly, yellow.

My favorite of these are lily liver and yellow belly. Those are just a few words I can use to describe at least 90% of the men I’ve dated, my friends have dated, hell that my mother has married. My friend Vol was dating my neighbor Deere. They met back in May at my graduation party, he was instantly smitten with her, almost speechless around her. She was hesitant about him because well, he’s 25 and she’s older, and she’s just come out of some pretty rough times of her own with an abusive husband she’s still in hiding from. Deere was stuck to her like glue, for months, I rarely saw him come home except to get clean clothes to go back to her house. Then while she was on vacation at the beach with her mother he was home, then when she got back, he was different. She said he barely talked to her while she was gone and when she asked why, he grew even more distant. After I talked with his roommate, aka. my hairdresser and awesome, she said Deere thought Vol was about to drop the “L” bomb! hahahahahah. Maybe Vol was going to drop the L bomb, but she denies it to me. So Vol has a talk with Deere, and tries to clear the air of all pressure on him. A week later after things had been normal again, he stops calling, answering her calls, and even ignores her when she’s sitting next to him in traffic and honks at him and calls! He refuses to acknowledge she exists suddenly. I don’t know why, I really don’t care, he’s too much of a coward to end a relationship with a woman he’s spent at least 5 nights a week with for several moths, he officially SUCKS.

They haven’t talked in 2 weeks, she came over last Friday and Saturday. I saw him Thur. night when I walked the dog the last time and said “look, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but Vol is coming over tomorrow night and it would be nice if you two could exchange personal property with out it being uncomfortable, how about you just leave her stuff on my patio and she’ll do the same with yours?” he agreed. Friday night, he didn’t leave her stuff, so she didn’t deliver his. He was home, she was freaked. I encouraged her to go over there, knock on the door, and ask him to come out and go for a walk and talk to her like a man. I mean, come on, this is the stupidest thing EVER. What grown ass man does this crap. Oh ya, I forget, ALL OF THEM! Seriously… grow a pair dude.

The worst part, what I know would happen if she did this, he would lie to her, tell her he’s sorry and they should work things out, he still cares about her and everything is ok and he’ll call her tomorrow. Then, he’d do the SAME.DAMN.THING! He’d go right back to ignoring avoiding her at all costs. Pathetic. All she wants is closure. Why don’t men get that? Closure shouldn’t be so hard to give us. Why is it so hard to tell us that you aren’t interested in us anymore? You don’t have to analyze it to death, if you don’t want to tell us why, don’t, but tell us it’s over, have some balls man! And then you wonder why you think all women are crazy? why all your ex’s are crazy? HELLO? REALLY? You don’t think it has ANYTHING, everything to do with the disappearing act? the avoidance? the “fraidy-cat, lily liver, invertebrate, jellyfish” manner in which YOU handle things with us?

Main Entry: cur

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: rotten, lowly animate being

Synonyms: black sheep, blackguard, bum, cad, coward , dog, good-for-nothing, heel, hound, ne’er-do-well, rat, riffraff, scoundrel, scum, skunk, snake, stinker, toad, villain, worm, wretch, yellow dog.

Maybe these are better terms for the kind of men I’m speaking of? But what I want to know is, are there any other kind? Do the real men we fantasize about as women really exist at all? I thought some men wrote movies, they write the characters that women want to be with, they know what we want, and yet where are these men? Maybe I’m delusional, maybe they are all married already, maybe they just don’t live in this country. I really have no idea anymore. And this isn’t just about closure, it’s about romance too. So many men and yes women too, are so scared to reveal their emotions, for fear they will make the other person run and do what Deere did to my friend. We shouldn’t have to be afraid of that, it just seems so utterly ridiculous to me that adults act this way. Why can’t a man allow himself to fall for a woman without over thinking it to death, why can’t the woman let him with out freaking out and running? And why can’t the woman when she falls back be allowed to show it? Where is the everlasting devotion in this century?

I know I’ve blogged about how I’m broken, I really am, I have nothing left to give to anyone at this point. I have spent most of my life giving and giving to my friends, always being there for them in their hour of need, I finally hit the point of nothing left to give to anyone. I think I’m glad my true friends recognize this about me and are there for me right now, they are giving to me now that I need it, and I appreciate it, but it still doesn’t change the emptiness I feel inside, no matter how great they are. You can’t warm a heart that doesn’t exist anymore. I go through the motions every day, doing what is expected of me, putting on a smile and fake conversation at work, try to hang out with friends, but really no one wants to hang out with someone who has nothing to say, nothing to give back. THIS ^ above what I talked about it, is part of it, being fed up.

Main Entry:     hopeless

Part of Speech:     adjective

Definition:     futile, pessimistic

Synonyms:     bad, beyond recall, cynical, dejected, demoralized, despairing, desperate, despondent, disconsolate, discouraging, downhearted, fatal, forlorn, gone, goner, helpless, ill-fated, impossible, impracticable, in despair, incurable, irredeemable, irreparable, irreversible, irrevocable, lost, menacing, no-win, past hope, pointless, sad, shot down, sinister, sunk, threatening, tragic, unachievable, unavailing, unfortunate, unmitigable, up the creek, useless, vain, woebegone, worsening.

I’m not sure what I will get out of writing today’s blog, probably nothing more than a way for me to whine and vent and let go of some of the anger building inside me. I suppose anger is better something, it’s not emptiness. But soon after the anger resides, I’m hollow again.


5 Responses to “Coward”

  1. August 21, 2010 at 1:29 am

    I’m sorry. Yeah, there are lots of douchebags out there. But, you know what? There are lots of great guys, too. I know that doesn’t make you feel any better right now, but… I hope you don’t let a few–or a slew of–rotten apples ruin the entire barrel of men.

    It’s a big barrel. 🙂

  2. August 21, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    I know this, and I keep telling myself to give it some time. Time heals all wounds right? I mean, if this is in fact just another wound. I do feel at least more like myself in the last few days, but definitely not ready or thinking about dating any time soon. At least I’m able to push the pain away for hours at a time and not think about it for the most part. Maybe someday I’ll be able to forget it all together.

    But this blog wasn’t so much about me as it was my friend, and yet another example of a coward, less than manly, shithead.

  3. August 21, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    Ughhh…that closure thing..and man’s avoidance of it…again I say, ughh…
    I wonder if men are the very opposite of women with that? I mean, we like closure bc that’s out ticket to understanding (maybe?) and moving on (hopefully!)…but maybe men are more along the lines of “collectors”…they don’t want that closure bc they just might want to someday, somewhere, sometime re-visit….so best to keep their big toe blocking the door from shutting…or their penis..or a few hairs from their chinny-chin-chin? Whatever….hehe..you get what I mean! They like open-ended bc it doesn’t shut the door totally in case they want to back-track…we typically PREFER closure to prevent that VERY thing…

    I think the world of you lady…and you really can’t know just how well I know the broken feeling you have right now..and I hate it and wish to heaven there was some way I could propel you clear out of it by using my own experience…but my experience is that that’s not possible…it will pass when and if you’re ready for it to pass..and you have to both fight it and just allow it all at the same time….more ughh…:-(
    Always here if you need me…always…

  4. August 21, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    I think as strange as it may sound, that I want to feel this way right now? If that can make any sense. I haven’t ever allowed myself to be depressed, down in the dumps, sad, grieving, or hopeless. I’ve always been the kind of person that just keeps trudging ahead no matter what and found a way to get over things. Maybe that’s my mistake, instead of learning from each experience by taking the time to reflect and be sad over my loss, I’ve just got over one guy by getting under another, repeating the same mistakes again and again. And WOAH… just had an even scarier realization… I’m just like my mother in that aspect! Talk about make my skin crawl at the thought, makes me want to run screaming from the room to tell the truth! Especially since I’ve fought my whole life to not be like her, even more so recently.

    It’s only been a few weeks of feeling this way, this low, this empty. Maybe if I just give it some more time things will begin to not hurt so bad. Maybe a heart is more like a liver than we think, it only takes a tiny bit of healthy liver tissue to regrow a whole new healthy functioning liver, so maybe if there is a tiny shred of my heart left in there somewhere it will regrow into a healthier one. I’d say “One can hope” but as I’ve learned, hope is a real bitch, a lot like Karma. But for now, I’m going to do what I need to get a job FAR FAR away from here, so hopefully I can forget the short time I’ve spent in this hell hole state. Also, I’m going to drink a beer, because beer makes me happy, or er… numb at least. And I think I just came up with another blog topic!

  5. August 21, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    It does make sense..sometimes to get through it we just have to go “through” it..unfortunately….and let ourselves be “there* for a little while…makes total sense to me lady!

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