Is it worth it?

I applied for a job about a month ago in the state I moved here from, at a mental hospital, I really didn’t research it, or even where it was, I just got the job listing on the state website. It’s in a TINY town, I mean really really tiny, and closest city/town close to it is an hour away and roughly the size of where I’m living now! Population where I’d be living is about 3300.

They called me last week, to see if I was really interested, I said yes of course! It’s a full time job in the area I want to work in. She said she’d pass my application to the Nurse Manager and they would let me know. Well… today they called! I really didn’t think about it much more, thinking they would probably hire someone closer. But NOPE! So today I’ve been searching for airfare rates, which all turned out horribly high! Plus trying to find a BLS (healthcare CPR) renewal class in my area since mine expires tomorrow! eeeek… but, I found one for tomorrow night. The cheapest ticket I found to this place was $340, plus I’d have to drive 3 hours to the interview, but I’d have a free place to stay with friends and get to go home. I haven’t been back since I left almost 7 years ago, so that is enticing to say the least! Good food, the city, I’m so homesick at this moment I can’t describe how I feel about going back. I want it with every fiber of my being. I just want to run around downtown screaming like a maniac and kissing the dirty sidewalks! Knowing I’m close enough to spend weekends and such with friends would mean the world to me. It’s just not quite close enough.

It’s a good job though, pay is great, free health ins. from the state, awesome benefits. It is essentially what I want to do for the rest of my life, working with the criminally insane, and get my nurse practitioners license in mental health. Downside, a smaller town than even where I am now and nothing close to give me a break. It’s also not exactly where I wanted to live the rest of my life. Ugh… I don’t want to have to move AGAIN in 2 years. I want to get to the Northwest BAD. I need NEW culture, something less southern, something, different, totally different, from what I’m use to. Small town, big city, doesn’t matter when the culture is totally different, and where I came from and where I am now, are both similar cultures.

I’m so torn about this. I want to go, I don’t want to spend the money, even if it’s a cheap buddy pass from my brother it will still cost me around $300+ by the time I’m done with eating and all that stuff. Would the decision be easier if it was somewhere I WANTED to live? I think so. I’m going to buckle down and focus on that as well, for the next few weeks. I’ll tell the state I’m working on getting a airline ticket, and put them off another week, see if I can line up prospects where I want to be. The good side of all of this is it gives me hope, it lit a fire under my ass, to get things started again, looking where I want to be, focusing on what I need to do to get there.

The weird thing, has also brought up this huge amount of emotion about going back. I mean permanently. I walked away from there feeling that there was nothing left for me there, that I was moving on to bigger and better things. Going back almost feels like defeat to me, even though I have a new career, another degree under my belt, and a new outlook on life. I know who I am now, so in a way, I fear going back will bring back who I was, which wasn’t the best place for me. I realize I’ve been in a bad place lately even here, probably the darkest place I’ve ever been, but, I’m still not who I was 7 years ago. I can’t really describe who I was, probably because I didn’t know, so going back to face that scares the living crap out of me. Then, in another sense, I feel like even if I don’t take the job, going back and facing my past might be a big, important step for me in personal growth. It could make me feel better, get me out of this funk I’m in, I can get some of the adrenaline rush things I want to do out of my system for sure! I know where to go and what to do there! I’m so torn now, I doubt I’ll sleep tonight…


6 Responses to “Is it worth it?”

  1. August 30, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Hmmm…two sides to this one, huh? When making a decision, I really like to shut myself off from everyone and clear my head.

    Take as much time as you can and try not to let your emotions steer you.

  2. August 31, 2010 at 1:13 am

    That’s what I’m trying to do. Shut myself off, which is kinda funny, I’ve been pretty shut off lately as it is, so it’s not like my friends are buggin me much these days. Although I have one who is dying for me to move to Cali. And I’m applying there first thing tomorrow, not that the economy is in good shape there either for nurses without a ton of experience. But I’m going to try. And then, just keep applying all over the west coast and keep hoping something will come through. Of one thing I’m absolutely sure, I have to move, get out of this town!

  3. August 31, 2010 at 2:03 am

    Not that I am the more sane or successful person, but leaving was the best decision I could have made.

  4. August 31, 2010 at 3:45 am

    Of one thing I’m absolutely sure, I have to move, get out of this town!

    This, to me, says it all….

  5. September 1, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Awesome lady….lemme know how it goes!!!!!

  6. September 2, 2010 at 3:24 am

    Can I just say what a relief to discover an individual who actually knows what theyre talking about on a internet. You definitely know how to bring an problem to light and make it important. Much more folks need to read this and understand this side from the story. I cant believe youre not a lot more well-liked since you genuinely have the gift.

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