How about a fresh pot of steaming…

Well, steaming, STEAM! I got one of those spam emails this morning, I swear I’ve unsubscribed a few times, they go away about a week and then come back. I’ve mentioned them before, the “dating guru” people. This one really got under my skin, REALLY irritated me. I sat here reading it, picking it apart, every bit of what he said was against everything I believe in. He says he speaks for all men, when really, he speaks for himself, his kind of man, which makes me so glad it’s not the type of man I want. I’m sure some of you men out there and even some women agree with him, I however find what he has to say to be a huge part of what is wrong with relationships, why marriages fail, in this country. I’ll get into that in a minute.

He says in this email ” “Eat, Pray, Love” has been on my mind recently. Not in the least because of the big billboard right outside my house, which says: “You Don’t Need a Man. You Need a Champion.” You like the way that sounds, don’t you? Well, if this line speaks to you… If this is the way you truly feel about relationships… If you really resonate with this and are holding out for no less than your own hero… You’re most likely making a HUGE mistake.” I want to scream at him, ‘HOW DARE YOU!’, but I keep reading, and it gets worse, my rage, seething, and anger are about to peak.

would be nice though... no?

“That’s what you’re holding out for in a man. Fair enough. So, for a moment, I’d like you to imagine a movie designed specifically for men. Not an action movie, not a horror movie. A movie about one man’s perfect love. After years of being trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage to a woman who didn’t want to have a baby, Alex leaves his wife to go find himself. Distraught, he decides to have an adventure. He drives to Vegas. He flies to Ibiza. He journeys to Thailand. Until finally, he discovers the woman who gives him everything he needs. He writes a book: “Drink, Play, F@#%”. Howard Stern and Maxim magazine promote the hell out of it, and Alex sells the movie rights. Soon, it’s in a theater near you. You won’t see it, of course, but you can’t miss the ubiquitous billboards: “You don’t need a woman. You need a pornstar who cooks.” ” All I can think, is this guy has to be kidding, I don’t know many men, at least REAL men who want a pornstar who cooks. What man wants something that is always THAT easy? THIS kind of man, I don’t want in my life. I know without a doubt, not all men, not even most men, feel this way. Maybe a few of you on here do, so I’m not excluding some men, but, let me say, without a doubt, this is not what I want in my life. Not to mention, if the character he described about hating his wife and a sexless marriage is what you are in, omg, DO SOMETHING about it! Holy cow, I can’t even believe these words he said! Of course, it only gets worse…

“Men really DO want the Supermodel/Top Chef/Rhodes Scholar. Women really DO want a hero and a champion. And yet, in order to find happiness, we both must relax our fantasies a little bit. Not because they don’t feel great. They do. The reason to relax your fantasies is because they’re unrealistic, and they almost invariably lead to disappointment.” See, here’s the thing, he makes the assumption that by wanting MY hero, my prince charming, I expect him to be perfect. I don’t expect perfection, far from it, but I’m not willing to live a dull, unfulfilling life with someone who less than meets my expectations because I’m so desperate to not be alone.  I’ve been there, done that, I’ve settled for what this author suggests, it also, doesn’t end well, it ends with me hurting this poor schmuck, because this guy, isn’t what I want. If the “normal” guy wants the pornstar that cooks, but settles for me, and I want a hero and settle for him, neither of us is happy. But I don’t want a ‘hero’, and the guy I want, doesn’t want a pornstar, what we want is eachother, the one we are meant to be with. I think this guy doesn’t get it when he “coaches” women, we want the one that draws us like a magnet, the one that feels the same about us. Maybe there are also a small percentage of women out there who do have unreal expectations, maybe I’m the one who’s different in what my fairytale ending is composed of. I encourage the women to speak up, do you want tall dark and handsome, six figure income, a hero to save you, nobel prize winner, all that and a bag of chips? Or do you just want to find the right one for you, the one that other people may not see anything but ordinary, but was created just for you? I think there is a GREAT misunderstanding with these so called dating coaches/guru’s about what women want. When we turn down guy after guy, it’s not that we are being too picky, it’s that the chemistry just isn’t there, and it’s not something you can force. Yes, you can settle, which is what he encourages, so he is right, and makes money. He also encourages you to change who you are, says you won’t ever find what you are looking for, so you should change to what the man wants… WHAT? That pisses me off.

I blogged about it here,https://driven2batshitcrazy.wordpress.com/2010/08/28/is-love-a-fairytale/ , and as much as I think about it, I still stand by my convictions. Romantic, crazy, foolish, unrealistic… maybe, but I’d rather be all those things than settle and be unhappy and then have to divorce someone, travel around, write a book that becomes a movie and have some guru tell the world I should have stayed with the unhappy marriage that I settled for in the first place. Sorry dude, time to unsubscribe… again.

28 Responses to “How about a fresh pot of steaming…”

  1. August 31, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    OMG – I have the exact same reaction when he comments on my blog posts! Ugh!! It seems he only comments on women’s blogs to bring us down – misogynist? Or maybe he’s just getting his rocks off…

    I’m 100% with you on this! Perfection doesn’t exist. But fantasies (aka dreams) are what keep you going. I heard on the radio yesterday that having goals (dreams? fantasies?) leads to a longer life… so why not dream a little?

    • August 31, 2010 at 5:05 pm

      Are you talking about MarriageCoach dude? He seems… out of touch. 😉

    • August 31, 2010 at 5:08 pm

      I retract that. I just skimmed through your blog and read some of his posts.

      I think it’s pretty clear that his agenda is specifically to help out guys….

      • August 31, 2010 at 6:00 pm

        Yes, helping out guys by putting the onus on women. Both parties (in all relationships) need to put some work in. At least I think so, anyway…

        • August 31, 2010 at 6:24 pm

          Oh, that wasn’t who I was referring to, that guy is def. out for his own messed up, abusing the word “christian” to get blow jobs, agenda! That guy is beyond messed up! Not surprisingly, why I don’t date hard core religious zealots. Freaaaaky stuff goin on with their minds. Brings to mind the term “Sociopath” when I read that kind of posting.

          I was actually talking about a published author who sends out emails telling you how to get a guy and keep a guy, blah blah blah. The ones for desperate females where every other line links you to buy his book. There are several of them, they advertise on dating sites, so I assume that since I once was on line dating, the sites sold or gave my email address to these self proclaimed “dating coaches”. GAG.

          • August 31, 2010 at 10:31 pm

            That’s funny, I never get emails from a anyone telling me how to “get a guy and keep a guy” – and I’m on basically *all* dating site (minus e-Harmony.) All that stuff is nonsense anyway. If it’s the right guy – you won’t have a problem getting or keeping him. At least that’s what my married friends tell me…and I kinda trust them.

  2. August 31, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    omg, he’s never, TG, commented on my blogs! I might really blow a gasket then! I think if he has read them, he’ll see I’m clearly NOT the target audience! lol. I think HIS personal experience as a non-dreamer, a regular average joe, makes him think this is just how it is for everyone. I know that’s not true, I’m far above average, in every aspect of my life I excel, I have never settled for less than what I want, and I never will. To do so would make me incredibly unhappy, and I’ve always been happier alone than when I have settled, so I think I’ll stick to alone with fantasies, rather than less than madly in love and compromised.

    • August 31, 2010 at 6:03 pm

      Yes! Me too! Glad I’m not the only one who thinks like this… 🙂

      • August 31, 2010 at 6:38 pm

        agirlinsearch – just read the comments that marriagecoach wrote on your june 5th (queen latifah) post. HOLY CRAP. That’s all I can say. No, that’s not true. I can say a whole lot more, but my blood needs to stop boiling. I think I need to start commenting on his posts. Add a little color to his blog.

        Vendetta – I’m so sick of people thinking that they need to settle. And people wonder why the divorce rate hovers around 50%?? I’ve blogged about this and believe wholeheartedly that settling is not the answer. I would rather be happy, fulfilled and alone, than miserable, despondent, angry in a loveless, dead-end relationship.

        • August 31, 2010 at 6:48 pm

          Amy, I once replied to a few of his blogs, he moderates them, they won’t show up, but he’ll email you a reply to argue his point quoting the king james version of the bible. Now I have to go read Agirlinsearch’s blogs to see what the DB has been up to over there! Damn being busy at work, and leaving early for a CPR class! Doesn’t the world know my priorities are goofing off on wordpress all day?

          • August 31, 2010 at 6:57 pm

            Seriously, priorities! There’s some serious blogging to do! I’m so not in the mood to work and luckily am in a situation at work where I don’t really have a boss – makes me very happy!

            Anyhoo, I just was trying to read some of his posts and I actually feel light-headed right now. Like the smell from all the bullcrap that he was dishing is infiltrating my nostrils and making me woozy. I take it back – I won’t comment on his blog. It’s so not worth the time and effort and I would abhor the idea of him reaching out by email with some ridiculous reply. Ugh.

            • August 31, 2010 at 7:03 pm

              omg… I just read his reply to her post you were talking about! Holyshitballs, does he EVER consider what WOMEN Want? “I know what men want”, well that’s just dandy that you know what YOU want, and some slime ball patients, how about for once in history women get what WE want?

              He has a blog about womens lib that I went ape shit on once, I don’t think he ever allowed my reply on there, and I was civil. He is what I call an extremist, they are everywhere, in every field. He doesn’t see shades of gray, he see’s black and white, and he is right, there is no normal middle ground to any topic. I can’t stand people like that.

              It shows lack of intelligence on his part, on anyone’s part, to prey on women with low self esteem that will follow that advice in order to make a buck. Once they wake up, your ass is grass dude!

              • August 31, 2010 at 7:46 pm

                “I know what men want”, well that’s just dandy…

                Ummm… actually, no. He doesn’t.

                • August 31, 2010 at 7:51 pm

                  lol, well clearly! 😉 Dennis gives me hope that there are NORMAL, ok kinda normal, men left on this planet

                  • August 31, 2010 at 7:56 pm

                    I’ll take “kinda normal.”

                    “Normal” might be too much of a stretch. But thanks. 😉

                    In all seriousness, though, I think MarriageCoach is trying to address the sexual differences between men and women (for example, men are more turned on visually, while women are more turned on by words). So what I *think* he’s trying to say does have some biological merit.

                    He just has an appallingly misguided way of explaining–and applying–that information. Based on what I’ve been able to garner from some of his comments, it sounds like he’s had some bad experiences with women, so… my guess is that his posts just reflect the baggage he’s carrying….

                    • August 31, 2010 at 8:34 pm

                      I agree with you Dennis about him, he also is very one sided. I don’t see any advice towards men about appealing to what women want in his blog. It comes across sexist because of that, thus women being appalled by what he says. If he were to approach it in a different manner, rather than just criticizing women, he might gain a bit of respect from women rather than the verbal lashings he receives. I think he tends to look at things very one sided, as I said, black and white. He should know as a licensed therapist to look at the other pov, really put yourself in someone elses shoes, and see what they see, is the only way to give good sound advice. I’ve worked with some amazing psychiatrists (not as a patient, but as a nurse) and seen them give some wonderful advice to women, this guy does NOT fall into that category!

                    • August 31, 2010 at 8:46 pm

                      He does have a way of vocalizing his thoughts in a crude, demeaning way that objectifies women. Reading his stuff actually makes me uncomfortable. Not with what he’s saying, but by HOW he’s saying it. Yes, I get that men are more visual than women. But his multiple, and I mean multiple, references to how women should wear frilly panties and/or flash her husband/bf with up skirt shots (I think he actually used the words “beaver shot”) was disgusting. His constant focus on sex and how women need to make sure her man is satisfied in bed is beyond words, because as we all know, a healthy relationship is more than just good sex. Just because a man is satisfied in bed, doesn’t mean that he’ll stick around. We all agree that sex, and good sex at that, is pertinent, but it’s not the answer to everything.

                      We really do appreciate all your input and thoughts, Dennis, as you have a more grounded and well-rounded psyche when it comes to relationships.

                    • August 31, 2010 at 9:37 pm

                      Thanks, Amy.

                      Vendetta… actually, I’m pretty sure he’s not a licensed therapist. That’s the scary thing about people who call themselves “coaches.” They don’t have to have any formal training at all.

                      I read his biography, and what I find interesting is that he says he [i]went[/i] to grad school for clinical psychology. But, notice that he doesn’t say he actually has a Masters or Doctorate in clinical psychology, which would be the end result “going to grad school in clinical psych.” My guess is that he dropped out.

                      But… it’s an interesting way of spinning his credentials.

              • August 31, 2010 at 10:39 pm

                Oh man, my blood was BOILING that day!! Obviously he must not be getting much work if he has time to actually comment on people’s blogs all day (every day). That’s even *if* he actually is a marriage coach. I’m not 100% sure that he’s got any qualifications. Anyone can say anything online.

                But yeah, I was like a crazy person that day. I got what he was saying (crudely) but he never acknowledged that both partners needed to put the effort in, in order for the relationship to work. If I was having problems in my relationship, me, just lifting up my blouse while my husband was mowing the lawn or something (no lawns in NYC) won’t exactly solve the problems… so lame. I mean, that’s just ridiculous.

                • August 31, 2010 at 11:01 pm

                  See my post just above yours. 😉

                  I don’t doubt that he’s a “marriage coach.” But then, anyone can claim that title. I’m pretty sure he’s NOT a licensed therapist, though. THAT, you actually need credentials for.

                  I went through and started reading his blog. Ugh. What boils my blood is that he guarantees results in four one-hour sessions, instead of months of therapy.

                  Are you fucking kidding me? If you’re getting results after four sessions, believe me, you just got royally screwed with.

                  Deep psychological issues CANNOT be solved in four hour-long sessions. Deep psychological issues do, in fact, take “months of therapy” (maybe even years). And anyone with the audacity to GUARANTEE results after four sessions is a fraud. That, *I* will guarantee.

                  And, okay… my ex-girlfriend, whom I’m still close friends with, IS a clinical psychologist, so I admit I’m a big touchy on the subject. I just don’t like to see real (i.e., TRAINED) therapists get dissed by a wannabe quack.

                  I’m ready to start a fucking war with this dude here.

                  • August 31, 2010 at 11:09 pm

                    Yeah, I know – that’s how I felt. But I really don’t think he gets much business in real life. He just comments on blogs as far as I can tell.

                    I Google’d him, and it seems he was on CNN Money at some point (it’s not dated) and stopped paying his $12,000 debt on a credit card because “the credit card companies usually write off balances after seven years.” Um, isn’t this part of the reason why the US is in some financial straits now? Sigh.


                    And this guy’s giving me advice? No thanks.

                  • August 31, 2010 at 11:22 pm

                    Also Dennis – I agree – it’s truly scary that he *guarantees* results so quickly. Nothing is ever so cut and dry. People who have issues, sometimes need a lot of time to work those issues out!

                    • September 1, 2010 at 1:31 am

                      $12,000 of credit card debt??? OMFGaw! And I hate to break it to him, after 7 years, they may write it off, but they WILL continue to put it on his credit report until he has paid it. Anyone who can’t even manage to figure that out, is completely ill equip to be giving me advice about relationships, which are much more complex than paying your bills. I may not be the best financial planner, but I’m smart enough to know if you don’t pay someone, it will stay on your credit FOREVER!

                      But, someone who’s best advice is to flash a “beaver shot” at your partner, or give him more blowjobs, probably needs some therapy himself. Seriously sick stuff.

  3. August 31, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Not to mention where this author says the thing about supermodel/top chef/Rhodes scholar… I may not be tall enough to be a super model, but I’m hot, confidently hot, and I can get any man I want that is available. I am also an AWESOME cook, like I amaze myself on a regular basis, and I like it. Did I mention I have 3 degrees? The last one I worked full time, school full time, never studied more than 2 hours a week, and graduated with a 3.3. Had I actually cracked a book, well.. I would have kept my 4.0. But a girl has to have a life right, priorities. I’m much smarter than anyone gives me credit for because of my looks, and well, it’s fun to not let people really know how smart I am. You learn a lot about someone when they think they are smarter than you, especially men. So if this was really what men wanted… I would be totally drowning in diamonds from the engagement rings thrown my way. The fact is, I’m not right for everyone, and an even smaller population is right for me. I can afford to be picky, and I fully intend to be. He can sell his books and advice to ugly fat stupid chicks with low self esteem, I’ll keep waiting for the guy who won’t settle for her and is waiting for me as long as I’ve been waiting for him.
    *hops down off my high horse*

  4. 25 dontknowwhoyouare
    August 31, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    when I fall for a girl I am willing to take the good and the bad of her. I know I’m not perfect so she shouldn’t have to be either. To find out that she’s a pornstar is not necessarily a good thing- in that she will have had a lot of partners but I wouldn’t hold it against her if it’s something she did in the past. I could careless if she can cook. In short she doesn’t have to be perfectly molded IWould just love her imperfections and all.

  5. September 1, 2010 at 12:24 am

    You guys are pretty deep here. I am glad I’ve been married for 15 years now…and that my wife wasn’t looking for a champion, but a sub-average height, sometimes offensive electrician.

    Hold on to what you believe.

    • September 1, 2010 at 1:33 am

      I’m sure to her, you are her hero, her champion, and her prince charming. There is a reason she’s stayed with you 15 years, click-sighs and all. 😉

  6. September 10, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    The guru sounds like he’s frustrated with his own pursuits. Men don’t want a porn star who cooks. Real Men want stability and love. They want appreciation, along with knowing you got their back. This isn’t what all of them want, but for the most part, men want what women want.

    The thing is is that most people, men and women, settle to accomplish other goals such as children, home, etc. I’m not saying they didn’t have feelings for the person they chose to spend the rest of their life with but that person isn’t “The One.” The Soul Mate- the one who lets your soul breathe and relax. Settled love is a slow tide that gradually increases until you have to swim to keep above water, or find land. Real love is like diving to the bottom of an ocean then swimming up and breaking through the water to watch the sunrise. Real love picks up your soul, carries it to safety, and keeps it fed and warm.

    It’s harder to settle then to wait for your soul mate. The good apples are always at the top of the tree. The ones you have to climb up to pick. It’s the fallen ones that are swooped up for the settled, comfort love. It doesn’t mean that this love is bad, most don’t mind this kind of love to achieve other things. I guess if we all were adamant on finding our soul mate, we wouldn’t have to worry about population overload.

    Good luck with your pursuit!

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