Archive for September, 2010

29
Sep
10

The Doctor is in


I got an email last night from a guy asking for communication with women advice. It’s not that I discourage anyone from doing so, but realize, I’m not the best person to be asking dating advice from. I am seriously fucked up in that department. My blog is such a small part of who I am, of my life, and believe me, if you knew me, it’s not the most fucked up stuff about me. I’m not sure why, after reading this blog, after reading all the darkness inside me and how I feel about love and dating and relationships, why anyone would ask me for advice.

I’m on a journey right now, it’s all about me, I’m selfish, and I realize it. Yes, I am a healer by nature, I can’t stop myself from trying to help, but emotionally, asking me for advice, is bound to lead anyone to disaster. I heal the physical, emotionally I will just draw you into my own selfish needs and suck you dry. It’s not a threat, it is a warning, only the strong survive in my world, as my friends and lovers.

Yes, what Brown said to me about being so great is true, to him, it’s how I draw them in, it’s why they always come back, but the fun me, it’s not who I am all the time, not even the majority of the time.  If I love you, as a friend or more, I will do it with everything I have, I’ll fight for you, have your back even if you are wrong. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I’m not loyal like a dog, it’s just that if you mistreat me like a dog, I will turn on you and bite. And if you are one who thinks you are worse off than me, or who thinks it’s a joke, well, fine, find out the hard way.

I have no self control, I’ll accept you, make you think I’m great and you will feel great when you are with me, talking to me, but my darkness will come out, eventually. When you try to change me, or emotionally control me, I’ll shut you down, I’ll shut you out, which will make you crazy.

By all means, ask my opinion, I’ll tell you, and if you don’t like it and try to debate my advice I’ll tell you to shut the fuck up and ask why you asked me in the first place? Lots of people like to do that. I won’t argue with people, I become aloof, I ignore people I don’t like, I escape to my happy place and shut down, it’s what you do when you are raised by a raging sociopath who gets in your face if you leave a pencil on the table on accident or take too long between changing sheet music during your two hour piano practice daily. When you have no one to protect you, you shut down, internalize, and become fucked up as an adult. This is why if you ask for my advice, I’ll give it to you, I’ll try to help you, I may even have good intentions, however my dark jaded world view gives skeptical advice, it’s selfish, and it only applies to what I would want someone to do for me. And hey, I’m fucked up, so what I want isn’t normal, it’s not what most people want, it’s not what healthy people want. So by all means, ask me, just be prepare for me to pull the football out just as you kick and laugh about it. Not that I discourage you from asking, by all means, ask away, the Doctor is in…

28
Sep
10

There baaaack…


Why must my single life feel like a scene from a suspenseful movie? It’s like you went to the movie knowing it’s going to be like this, you hear the music of impending doom, yet you still become startled at the moment of the kill.

They always come back, every stupid guy I date that screws up and pulls whatever crap he pulls, comes back. Like my sister, I suppose I’m cursed as well. First I’ll update on her ex-situation. The one that called her a few weeks ago that is. She called back, to find the number disconnected. A few days later he called again, this time she was at home with her fiance and he got her to call again. So he apologizes like he’s in a twelve step program for what he did to her, her fiance is on speaker phone the whole time, and realizes why the dude is calling isn’t an apology, he wants her back. Long story short, he said “holy crap, they really do all come back!” As if he didn’t believe us. I guess at this point in the story, you want to know which one of my slimy ex’s came back?

I saw it coming, when I signed back up for okcupid for the whole friends thing, he was circling my profile like a shark every few days, I guess hoping I’d see it and jump in the water for him to bite. Boy is he wrong! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Apparently Brown also doesn’t know the saying, once bitten twice shy, either. So a few nights ago, he wrote me on there, I only checked it this morning because I was up before dawn with a dog that had to pee so bad she couldn’t wait, so I was awake, and bored. I should have stuck with watching True Blood, at least those vampires only suck your blood.

You really are a very very nice and sweet women, your very pretty and your alot of fun to be around I just thought you should know that…

This is the drunken message I got, I forgot to look to see what time it was when it was sent on the 26th, but I’m betting it was the wee hours of the morning after a very bad date. I find it funny that he felt the need to tell me things I already know about myself instead of apologize. More games I suppose, not that I didn’t expect it. See unlike my sister, my guys rarely apologize, and they don’t take four years to come back, usually it’s around four to nine weeks. Out of the three men I dated more than casually this year, all three have come back now. Darn, what do I have to look forward to for the rest of the year?

Okay, back to Brown and this stupid message. I haven’t replied, not sure that I will, or what I’d say, I need time to think about it. Since I now have the upper hand again, I intend to keep it, and replying so soon after reading it and feeling my heart accelerate with anger, I could easily blurt out something without thinking and lose hand again, and I’d really like to make him suffer. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll think about it today, and as always take all comments into consideration. I know some of the best evil minds reside on this blog, so any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you don’t want to be evil in helping me plot revenge, feel free to speak up. I wonder though, do I care enough to get revenge? Maybe I’ll just get bored enough this week and do it for the sake of something interesting to do. I also noticed in this message the “alot” monster was set loose, which made me giggle and revisit her blog. Have a great day everyone!

27
Sep
10

The Rain


It feels like it’s been forever since it rained last, so long it feels like it’s sort of a cleansing of all the negative energy building like heat from the sun in my life. Saturday evening I went for a walk in the woods with my dog as the sun set. The trail I use was almost gone, created by fourwheelers and dirt bikes, forbidden now by the city water departments ownership of the property, and I guess has been enforced since there were no signs of trail use for months. As I went down what was once a gravel road made by the city to put in sewer lines under the trail, I was scratched by blackberry vines, wild grasses that were knee high only to walk to the opening before the forest to see the grass was now shoulder high. I debated going back, not knowing what was waiting for me in the high grass, snakes, bobcats, spiders, more thorns, and other things that irritate the skin, but I decided to not be a chicken and just stomp through the high grass, it’s just grass after all. On the other side was the old trail I’ve run for the last few years, slightly overgrown, but still there after twenty five or more years of use by the former property owners children which lies directly behind what was their farm land and is now a neighborhood. My dog ran like the wind, all I could hear was the thumping of her paws and pants as she zipped past me making faster and wider circles from me until she was out of sight and I’d call her back and zooooooooooom…. she’d race past me again. It’s fun to watch an animal or child embrace carefree running for the sake of play. We finally made it to the creek, about the time the sun set and I decided to let her drink and head back. We were back in a short time, I was sweaty, covered in scratches, she was full of little green sticky burrs which I picked out one by one from her long fluffy hair. It was great because ten minutes after we were back, it poured rain.

I love the rain, how green and clean it makes things, how it can wash away all the heat and dirty that has accumulated from the pavement. I stood on my deck barefoot Saturday in the cold rain, slapping my feet on the wet wood’s tiny puddles, I liked the way it felt, cold, clean, rough under my feet. The sound was of light slapping when skin taps the surface of water, cold, freezing between my toes, I knew I’d wear socks the rest of the day to get the cold to melt away from my feet, I’d pay for this little moment of bliss. It’s funny, when I moved here, I thought this was an area known for high rainfall amounts, it’s so green, lush, humid with kudzu covering anything it can, overgrown everything takes over anything humans leave untouched for just a few months. So when I got here and we went into mandatory water conservation from a severe drought, I was astonished at how little rain we were getting. I suppose nothing here is how I had imagined it, not even the rain. When we have a rainy season, it does rain for weeks at a time, I remember not seeing the sun for over a month once. I also remember not seeing a rain cloud for 4 months one summer.  It has been over a month since the last rain now, with a scorching heat wave unseasonable for this region, so this cool slow ongoing rain is more than welcome to me. I even like driving in it despite people who can’t seem to master that simple task.

I can’t resist the urge to just stand out there, getting soaked, it took all I had this morning to not come into work soaked to the bone, to stay dry and resist until after work when I have no one to look presentable for. When I get home, I can stand in the rain and let it pour down soaking every strand of my hair, every fiber of my clothing, and dance on the wet wood of my deck. My neighbors are surely to think I’ve lost my mind,  not sure that it’s entirely possible for them to think I’ve lost it anymore than they already do, but surly this will solidify any doubts they’ve had. I don’t care, cause it’s my happy place, it’s where I go in my mind every time life gets tough and I’m tempted to scream “FUCK OFF” to the next person who approaches me with their negative soul sucking energy. Sitting there with the rain dripping off the tip of my nose and lips, off my hair, slapping under the soles of my feet is my happiness. I’m lucky enough to find that today, outside of my mind, soon, a few more hours, and all the negative energy of my day can wash away like dirt and oil from the pavement from my life.

25
Sep
10

Saturday mornings


I love the quiet of an uninterrupted morning, to take my time getting out of my chair, sip my coffee slowly, and ponder what to do with my day free from work responsibilities. What it takes me to though is thinking of my future, what direction I should be taking to reach my goals, what if my decision is wrong and leads me away from it? Then I remember my dream last night, which further makes me appreciate my current state of health and life. In my dream, I had breast cancer. A tumor so large on my left breast you could see it, and I was going to have it removed yet afraid they would take the whole breast or I’d be left disfigured. In the end of the dream, you couldn’t even tell I had surgery. But I was grateful for my life and the time I had on this planet.

My uninterrupted time comes to a close when the dog jumps up on the ottoman demanding to be taken outside to pee, the obnoxious cat is crying and pawing anxiously at the jail cell he must sleep in at night to be let out and go steal what food he can from the other cats who behave at night and enjoy freedom, my coffee is getting cold. So I get up and attend to things that need attending. If you have never experienced the Border collie stare down, consider yourself lucky, it’s highly effective, it’s hypnotizing, it’s how they herd sheep, it’s all in the eyes.  The dog grabs the plastic cat dish from obnoxious cat’s cell and carries it to the living room floor to lick any flavor of last nights dinner from it, then paces around ready for breakfast. It’s time to start our day in her mind, for me to leave for work, only I don’t, so she sits and stares at me. She’s now barking at obnoxious cat, at me, to do something, restless. I want a cigarette and I have none. Thus ends my peaceful Saturday morning. Time to get in the shower, get dressed, and spend some time outside wearing the dog out so I can do all the things I promised myself I’d get done today. I’m betting I get to less than half of my list.

22
Sep
10

Where do I belong?


Is this where I should be?

I feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore, I feel trapped, like somehow, if I go somewhere new, maybe I could get my appreciation for life back. I am at heart an adventurist. I remember when I was leaving home for the first time, driving 2 days with everything I owned in a truck and moving here, I felt like it was this great new adventure. I felt free, ready for something new. Now here I am, nothing is new here, I’m trapped again, worse this time. I was talked into buying a house, told I’d easily be able to sell it, and now, I’m trapped. I can’t take off on a new adventure as I want. I can’t buy a sail boat with the profits from the sale of my home, load up my 4 cats and dog and sail off into the sunset totally free from responsibility. I do, just get in my car sometimes and drive. I drive with no purpose, no place to go, and no idea where I’ll get bored and stop. But I never really get far enough for a big scenery change, not to get the sense of freedom I want it to give me, because I know I have to turn around at some point and go back home, to my pets (who I’d never desert), to my mortgage, to my job, my bills, my boring life.

I think I was born in the wrong time, maybe I should have been born in a simpler time.  People forgot to stop and enjoy the little things in life. People forgot that WE are what is important in life, above all else, the living things on this planet, are all that matter. Not our material possessions, no amount of stuff will make us happier. We spend so much time focused on so much stuff. Stuff just accumulates, it doesn’t hug you, it doesn’t love you, it doesn’t challenge your mind, exchange ideas, or make the world a better place. We accumulate tons of stuff, we eat tons of food, we want more, MORE, MORE! Of everything!

Not me, I don’t want more stuff, I want things simplified. What I want more of is steadily in decline. I want more beaches, waves, birds. I want more grass, wind, flowers. I want more rain, dew, dripping trees and fog. I want a cool morning where the crickets still think it’s night and chirp and the birds start to wake and sing and I don’t hear a single car passing, but instead hear the exchange of night for day. I want to get on a boat and watch the whales flip and flop and groan in the middle of the ocean, and dolphins jumping and playing near by, yet so far away from anyone else that we seem to be the only living things left on the planet.

I know my escapist thoughts aren’t normal, most people are content to move to the suburbs, get married, have 2.5 children, work until they are 65, and then retire and sit in a recliner in front of the tv until they die. I don’t want that, I want more and less. Less in material things, yes, I want certain entertainment items, transportation items, but I like things simple, understated, functional. More in terms of quality, more quality in the few material possessions I chose to keep, and more quality in the people I surround myself with.

Compared to most people my age  I supposed I’m not normal, sitting quietly with a book, with my ipod listening to this, while watching the ocean, is the most relaxing thing, the most ideal life I could ever want.

Where I sit now, at work, with pop radio playing, the monotonous daily tasks, all I have is my pandora radio and headphones and pictures I can find on google images to soothe me through the day. My imagination of where I’m headed next, who I’ll meet, what I’ll do and see, what it will teach me and what I can teach others occupies the corners of my mind as I click away at my mouse designing more letterhead, more business cards, more images to sell, more stuff. And at night, I’ll dream of my next adventure, soon to come, very soon.

22
Sep
10

“Let me show you something”


I feel the need to have a “Fire Marshall Bill” moment today. Do you ever feel like you would need to be a total maniac to get people to pay attention to the common sense you are speaking to them? The simple things in life that anyone with common sense would know. Things like right and wrong. Today a woman sent me something to print, 3 pages 8.5×11, standard size sheets of paper. In the email she then tells me to size the stickers 29x4x5…. wait what? No really… what? As I try to explain I’m printing on something two dimensional, therefor it has two dimensions for size of paper, she replies with she’s sorry, she just wants them 4″. Um….. “LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING”! TWO, that is 1+1, it doesn’t equal three, it doesn’t equal one, it equals TWO, TWO dimensions are needed. Oh no, she didn’t mean 4″ squared, these are rectangular, all but one. The only square one, she has said she wanted 3″x18″x1.5″ ???? It’s SQUARE!

“Let me show you something” I say in a calm voice at first, when explaining the seemingly simple to a complete moron. I’m not just speaking of work now. This seems to apply in every aspect of my life. Be it friends, family (especially family), neighbors, men who want to date me, the mail man, my insurance company, the state treasurer, or just the lawn boy. I try to calmly explain things that should have been learned in 2nd grade and are common sense, at least to anyone with any clue what year it is. When they cock their head to one side and say “okay, I get it ____” and then spurt out the exact opposite of what I have just explained so a 5 year old could understand I say again “LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING!” I may even begin to twitch, shake, and look a little crazy, because frankly, I am a little frustrated with why I’m expected to fill in the blanks of a form for someone who somehow managed to drive themselves to where ever I am. This person somehow passed a drivers test in a state that requires you to know what a sign is for, with no words or symbols on it, just by the shape and color of the sign background… Even I have trouble with this task since when do signs have no words or symbols? Why would they? And why would I need to know this? I figure this part of the test was designed by someone that I need to show something to. Amiright?

I now fully believe 90% of the population of this planet shouldn’t be allowed to operate motor vehicles. I also believe that 90% of the men with online dating profiles are bigger morons that I ever could have believed. I realize Okcupid was once a “dating” site, however it now has options to just make friends, and rather than delete my profile when I’m no longer looking for anything but friends, I change what I want on there. Frankly I have come to find that most of the men are of the opinion that if a woman is on there “looking” she must be somewhat desperate, and therefor will accept less than courteous behavior on their part. Esme blogged about requests for nude pictures from men, a common request, I blogged about the “SCREW YOU” message, also common. I think Fire Marshall Bill should give each and every one of them a nitro enema and “show you something”. Seriously, of all the women I know on these sites, wonderful, intelligent, deserving, beautiful, there seems to be no equivalent for them in a man.

20
Sep
10

pièce de résistance


He lives here maybe?

I haven’t been back on my okcupid account in a few weeks, cause frankly, I just don’t care that much. I only have it to make new friends when I feel like it, and well… I just really don’t care to check it that often. So what do I see when I open my messages tonight? Something totally blogworth! Oh ya baby! It’s a beauty of 3 messages! Lest start with drunken message number one!

DRIVING TO ATLANTA THOUGHT WE WOULD MESSAGE YOU

Sep. 12, 2010 – 1:16pm

HI GOODMORNING! JUST SEEING IF YOU WERE ON! ME AND CRIS, A BUDDY OF MINE WERE DRIVING TO ATLANTA!HE THINKS YOU LOOK LIKE MY X,BUT I DONT THINK SO I TOLD HIM,ANYWAY ENJOY THE FIRST DAY OF N.F.L. KICKOFF-GO FALCONS,ACTUALLY I LIKE TOM BRADY AND THE PATRIOTS BEST, BUT HEY! IAM NOT TURNING DOWN A FREE TICKET,WELL ENJOY YOUR DAY ,LOL AND I HOPE THIS IS THE BEGINING OF A GREAT SOMTHING! TIME TELLS IT ALL DOESNT IT? ITS GOING TO BE LOVELY IN ATLANTA TODAY SO I HOPE SOME OF IT RUBBS OFF ON TO YOU. YOUR DOGS CUTE ,I LOVE DOGS,IN SAN FRAN I WAS RAISED WITH CATS AND DOGS, OF COURSE THERE GONE NOW BUT I STILL THINK OF THEM FROM TIME TO TIME AND THE MEMORIES THEY INSTILLED IN ME.BY4NOW! WISH YOU WERE HERE CHECKING THIS GAME OUT WITH US,MAYBE ANOTHER TIME.SEE YA…………….MICKEY
Then a few hours later….

HELLO THERE

Sep. 12, 2010 – 4:32am

IM MICKEY,BORN IN CALI,MOVED TO ********** NOW **********, LETS BE FRIENDS

Then the pièce de résistance…. oh, it’s good, can you stand it? Can you wait? Wait for it… okay, hold on, you want his screen name first? naaaaa…. that wouldn’t be right, I’ll let you all suffer and just read the message.

SCREW YOU

Sep. 14, 2010 – 4:33pm

YOU MUST BE A POS,YOU AINT THAT FINE! HOPE YOU GO TO HELL! SO SORRY UR SORRY ASS CANT EVEN COMMAND THE ABILITY TO RESPOND BACK,YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY BABY,ACTIONS,ACTIONS,ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS AND THEY CERTAINLY DO IN YOUR CASE.I WOULD HAVE TO BE CURSED TO HAVE SOMTHING AS STPUID AND IDIOTIC AS YOU IN MY LIFE. YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH CLASS FOR ME.
Oh yes, yes he did! I suppose he never bothered to look to see if I was on my profile recently or not. And yes, he types in all caps. I sure am sad I can’t date him, especially since that’s clearly stated on my profile that I’m NOT looking for. Any guesses how old this moron is? No? I’m sure you think he’s 25 or so… nope… he’s 40!
That site is, well… omg, lets just say, I’m not motivated to go back for another few weeks or months… cause wow.. the messages I got, well, as amusing as this one was, there were more. I am sad for humanity that this is what we’ve sunk to.



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