I lost my mojo, who has it?

I feel it, somewhere, deep, deep inside me, the urge to create, to let my creative juices flow again. But I can’t place where it is. What it is. A little background on my creative side, I’ve mentioned my piano, not that I can write music, or read it easily, I’m far from musically gifted. However, from a young age, I have been artistically gifted. I won awards in elementary school by the state for drawing competitions. I had passion to create, to draw, to sculpt. At 8 my clay was hidden in the attic from me as punishment for leaving it on the kitchen table and not cleaning up. My mother always retrieved it for me, which looking back probably made it worse for me when he found it again.

When she remarried later when I was in highschool, (like a year after her divorce) her new husband didn’t care about messes, I got my mojo back! It was encouraged to be a free spirit in our house, we went to the theater, and symphony on a regular basis, I was taking in so much creativity. I also free to experiment… with er… illegal things, things I shouldn’t have gotten into at such a young age. Fake ID’s, after hour clubs, bands, clubs, it was all part of my normal weekend. Plus I had access to any city in the world I wanted to go to, just open the his desk and grab a ticket and go, free. So I did. But, I still found time to create, and did so with passion.  So much so that I was encouraged to go to Art school for college. My mother wanted me to be more practical, she was smart with that, I wish I had listened.

I went to an easy art program, not prestigious by any means. At that point my grades were not so good, school was the least of my worries, I had freedom, I had expression, I had FUN! Most of all, I had my mojo. So I went to a close state school with an art program. Where I had more FUN! Until I was told I had to graduate with in a 4 year timeline… uh oh, free ride over! I buckled down, stopped partying… somewhat, but I showed up for class, that counts right? I did graduate on time, probably with the lowest GPA in the class, but I did it, I had my Bachelors! Now I’m on top of the world, I can get a job right? WRONG! What the hell am I going to do with a degree in ART? Not graphic art, not a teaching certificate, not even art history.. but painting, ceramics, sculpture… what in the world will I do now? Apparently… not much. I took a job as an assistant store manager at the mall for $8.50 an hour out of desperation. I was cut off from my family, told to grow up or move home. Well I wasn’t moving home! Hell no! So I did what the rest of my fellow graduates at the time did, I struggled.

I was so sick of school, so tired from work, I stopped creating anything. I came home, got stoned (yes, I was a pot head for many many years), and passed out. I should mention shortly after graduation, the love of my life destroyed my soul, so I was barely functioning for a good two years, living on xanax and pot just to make it through each day without my roommates committing me. I had no mojo, my soul and mojo, and spirit were gone. I didn’t even create sad art anymore. I sat and stared at the tv/wall/grass for years. It was a hard time for me, wasting away, so skinny people worried I had an eating disorder, but what I had was a broken heart. I did get over it, eventually, as much as I could, and moved on with my life. I ate again, but still, had no mojo. It felt like I left it at college, every bit of creative juice I had in me was just gone. At graduation my father gave me $2000, a lot of money at the time, and I spent $600 on this beautiful shimpo pottery wheel, which got used exactly 4 times in the 13 years since then. It sits in my closet now, with 7 year old clay caked on it in defeat.

Once I moved here, I thought I’d get it back, I was starting over, new life right? Nope… I threw myself back into career work, went back to school, web design was an easy add on to my art degree. I did that for a year, HATED it, I think it took what mojo I had coming back out of me completely. I was sure after that experience I had to do something career wise that had nothing to do with art, no more people telling me what to create then hating when I did exactly as they said. No more stifling me! I’d get a good practical job, and then, my mojo could come back to me naturally. So I dove into nursing school, should be easy, 3rd time around college, and it was, I rarely studied, had my fun, still no mojo, but I was busy, working and going to school, so I was preoccupied. Still graduated with a 3.3 gpa rarely opening a book, at least my brain still functions, I’m just missing the part I want back! I guess you can tell I don’t party anymore, not like I did, I have no use for drugs anymore, I guess I just grew out of it, maybe that would bring my mojo back though? Should I smoke a doobie, see what happens? Now there’s an idea for the weekend!

But seriously, now that I’ve graduated, again, still can’t find an effin job due to the “economy”, no there is NO shortage of nurses. If people don’t go to the hospital as much because they don’t have insurance from not having a job, and the ones that do go, don’t pay the bills, how do you expect nurses to get paid? Well we don’t, we get laid off, we can’t get hired in the first place except in situations that jeopardize our license. But… I have creative urges again! I want to play piano, I want to do something. It started a few weeks ago, I wanted to do something crazy, take a risk, and it’s escalated, to this irrepressible urge, about to burst out of my fingers in some way or another. I just have to find what IT is… So watch out mojo, I’m comin to get ya! Oh ya, it’s on like donkey kong! Tomorrow night, I’m digging out the sketch book and charcoal, see if I can come up with anything at all. I’m getting flashes of something now, as I write, I can almost see it, it’s hiding though… here mojo mojo…

7 Responses to “I lost my mojo, who has it?”

  1. September 2, 2010 at 2:24 am

    You sound so much like me, it’s really uncanny. I wanted to be an artist – I drew, painted (though never sculpted) and even had my own section in an art show my senior year of high school. But somehow, when I was 12, I decided that I wouldn’t make money as an artist so I chose fashion design instead. That little dream was murdered in college (I HATED it) but I still work in fashion and my job is fairly creative. But I know how you feel…

    You’re a good story-teller – would you consider using words as your creative outlet? Maybe write a column for a local paper or website or something?

    • September 2, 2010 at 11:28 am

      I considered interior design at one point in college as a switch, but I’m glad I didn’t, there is no money or career in that either, I have known a few and they have struggled as much as I have. I’m sure Fashion is just as much of a struggle right now as any creative field. I use to manage retail stores, I remember how competitive it was. Especially in the higher end stores. It has to be killing them now in this economy where people are shopping less and less and always looking for a bargain. God I love clothes!

      Writing is something new I’ve found, and I do truly enjoy it, but I’m not sure I have what it takes to write for a paper or anything. I just freestyle write, I’m not 100% sure about the grammatical rules and such. I’ve thought about writing a book, I have a great story my brother and I came up with at one point when he was acting and we were going to pitch it as a screenplay, at least then someone could edit the hell out of my grammatical errors and poor sentence structure. But thanks for the compliments!

  2. September 2, 2010 at 2:31 am

    I think most people with “creative careers” struggle in life….other than a few exceptions. I dabble in a creative “hobby” in a public venue…but it is so much more fun as a hobby than if I had to do it as a profession.

    I see people on stage that think there is someone in the crowd there to scout them and give them a sitcom. Then they are depressed when it doesn’t happen. And two weeks later, they are there again with the same ideas.

    It is almost depressing to watch.

    Creative as a hobby is a lot less pressure…and allow the MoJo to flow a little more freely.

  3. September 2, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Exactly, plus when I’m doing it for me, not someone telling me to paint “this object” in a certain style (that is not my own), it makes it not my own, it’s forced, and there is nothing creative to it, it’s about skill then. I didn’t ever lack skill, I lacked a degree and a job! lol. But now as an adult I realize most creative jobs don’t let you create freely, you are always creating for other people if you want to get paid. So I’m glad to have it back as a hobby.

  4. September 2, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    My good friend (the one who lives blocks from me) struggles with getting her creative mojo back as well. She studied art history in college and wound up going to law school and becoming a banking lawyer. Absolutely no creativity in that! But with the economy and being let go cause when the banks went down, guess what? There was no need for banking lawyers anymore. She started taking classes, drawing and sketching classes, because suddenly she has the time. She loves it. But still struggles to find free time to break out the sketch book and take a few hours to get lost in the art.

    I envy artistic people. I’m not artistic in any sense – can’t draw, paint, sculpt, etc. Not musical. Even my fashion tastes are mainstream and not cutting edge or trendy. You can’t wish back something you never really had in the first place. But, I certainly can and do appreciate the art that others create.

    I do hope that it flows back to you. I think once you get started again, you’ll feel like it never left.

    • September 2, 2010 at 10:47 pm

      Funny, I have a friend that worked for BOA as an attorney here and was laid off as well. She’s really had a tough time getting a job. She’s doing document review now, with a bunch of other corporate attorneys that have also been laid off. How sad. But she doesn’t have a creative urge in her body, mostly she annoys me. ;P Thanks!

  5. September 3, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    I too hope you get your mojo back! You are already light years ahead of me, though. I don’t have a creative bone in my body :). So at least it’s in your DNA, so to speak, so you just have to awaken it. Good luck!

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