A new kind of friendship

He would be so much cooler if he were a dinosaur.

I reopened my cupid account over a week ago, not for dating purposes, as I’ve stated I’m broken in that department, but I opened it to make new friends. A lot of my girlfriends are not use to this deeper darker side of me, they want me t be bubbly, happy, and in love again, so they stay away when I’m unable to fake it enough. They also don’t want to do the crazy activities I want to do in order to have some sense of freedom again, fear of heights, falling, injury, and other excuses. So I embarked on making some new friends that did want to do some new exhilarating activities with me, and that understood that I am not always a happy person right now, but are okay with my silences.

Of course immediately upon reopening my account, before I could change settings, I was bombarded with IM’s and messages. But then I got one, who was like me, not looking for anything romantic, just a new friend, maybe someone who could understand him and not push him to want what he’s not ready for. He’s quite a bit younger than me, and I think for some reason that makes it better for me, to know I have no romantic interest in him. We’ve been emailing since late last week, revealing who we are, our dreams and fears, bad habits, families, friends, etc.. it’s kinda comfortable. Nice having someone to talk to that doesn’t push me to not be me, to be happy all the time, or to even talk back if I don’t feel like it. He doesn’t want to fix me like some of the other guys who messaged me, he’s not even trying to get laid, he just likes talking to me. It’s nice, for a few hours a day when we are emailing I feel some sort of comfort, an ease to my burden, just being myself.

I don’t think there is any chance of us feeling any romantic feelings for each other, so the pressure isn’t there, either to convince someone to like us, or to keep someone away because they do. I thought being friends with a male would be as easy as with a female, and I wonder, if I made friends with a new girl, and felt this closeness to her, if the same pain would show up again? It’s hard for me to feel close to anyone besides those already established in my life. I think maybe thinking my heart is gone, done for, smashed to little pieces was wrong, I think some of it was still there, because I do love my friends still, and loving them doesn’t hurt. Maybe letting a new friend in though is going to be harder than I thought, even though I know it’s exactly what I need right now. It’s not like we haven’t discussed our feelings on romantic relationships at this point, we have, each of us has our reasons for not wanting that right now, or from the other.

I haven’t had a really close guy friend since Nate, who was my best friend in high-school and college. We don’t talk now, we lost touch as we grew up, got jobs, moved around and such. He was always in love with me, and I never gave that back to him, he was always like family to me and my best friend. I did find him on myspace a few years ago, he was engaged, and although we had a few brief conversations that were comfortable like an old shoe, his fiance didn’t like the idea of us being close again, and I don’t want to mess that up for him, since it took him so long to find happiness after I left. We are still friends on myspace, but I honestly couldn’t tell you my login or password over there, and haven’t been back in well over 2 years. I wonder if he’s happy still sometimes, I miss him, I wish I could pick up the phone and call him like I use to when I had a bad day, or go pick him up and drive around talking for hours. It was always so effortless with us, I wonder if it would still be that way.

He asked me about my past last night, if being affectionate with friends would bring up too much pain. I did my best to explain without going into the details of why I am the way I am now. He doesn’t need to know, other than to know I am in pain, and don’t want it brought up, and try not to think about it. I told him the level of physical affection I’m comfortable with in my friends, and of course hugging me won’t cause me any pain, I hug all my friends on a regular basis, and touch in the way friends do.

He called me last night from a plane, on his way back from NYC, and my propensity to attract smelly Indian women that wear no deodorant to sit by me has apparently transferred to him, as one practically sat on his lap while we were on the phone, I’m glad that is now his burden not mine. See, making new friends is a good thing. Besides being able to make me smile with his awesomeness and stories of suits and corporate business men, I think he gets me and accepts all my weirdness with no expectations from me to give more than I already am.

6 Responses to “A new kind of friendship”

  1. September 15, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Ohhhhh…this is AWESOME!! How fabulous that he even asks you about those things, that he’s interested in knowing and in hearing aboout you, your past, your feelings, your life, etc, etc… I almost forget what it’s like to have someone care at all about anything about me, much less enough to actually ask me questions about my feelings or my emotional “place”; other than my kids, I can’t remember the last time anyone even just said “how are you?” and wanted to actually hear the answer. It’s literally been 5 years since someone was interested in knowing about my past or my life path…it’s all pretty fuzzy to me.. Pity party over…(geesh!!) …I’m so glad that you’ve met someone sincerely interested in you as a human being, who wants to learn about what hurts, what helps, and what makes you go hmmm…..
    I LOVE it woman!!!!! you’re definitely one of the “lucky” ones in the friendship of life category…people genuinely care about you from near and far…yayyy!!!!!! 🙂

    • September 15, 2010 at 10:06 pm

      Awe, honey, I want to hear about your life, and feelings, and past too if you want to talk about it to me! I mean, I love reading your blog, and think you are a wonderful person, outside of the blog too. I hope you realize that if you want to talk to someone, I’ll listen.

      On the subject of J, he’s different, he’s the first guy that has asked all this about me, really gotten to know me as a person, without the motive of getting me into bed. He well knows that will not happen, we will just be friends, and he’s more than okay with it. I think he’s relieved that I don’t want that either, and that I accept him for who he is and don’t try to change it. He is admittedly selfish, as am I, and he encourages my selfish nature, as I encourage his. He’s young, and should be selfish, although he argues he’s more like a 55 yr. old man… he kinda does act WAY older. It’s just one of those rare connections with someone, in a way, I think right now, we need each other in some way, for our own selfish reasons.

      • September 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

        Thank you for saying that! I’m just feeling a little lost, alone, and sorry for myself lately…I’ll shake it off eventually:)
        Whatever it is with J…selfish or otherwise, it’s just beautiful to connect in an unassuming and genuinely caring way with someone! And I’m so delighted that you are..I think you need that to help along your emotional healing…and it obviously serves an equally important purpose to J as well! I don’t see that as inherently “selfish”..serendipitous for your both, yes..but not actually *selfsh*!! xo♥

  2. September 15, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    I wish you luck with this friendship. (Don’t men realize that friendship is often the way to a woman’s heart – or perhaps better – a really great friendship??)

    And that thing – men wanting to “fix” everything. Right. That’s a whole book unto itself, or a shelf full of them, isn’t it? (But all these differences keep things zippy…)

  3. September 15, 2010 at 11:59 pm

    V – so happy you found someone to confide in and be yourself, no matter what mood you’re in or what you want to talk about. Always know, too, that you can call me if you need to chat without feeling the need to be “upbeat and happy”. Lord knows that I am not always Miss Mary Sunshine these days. My phone number/emails are on my FB page.

    • September 16, 2010 at 7:19 am

      Awe, thanks Amy! The weird thing about him, I AM happy when I talk to him. Maybe I’m just pulling out of my funk all together. I mean, I don’t feel like I have anything dating wise to give to anyone still, but I don’t think sad thoughts as much lately.

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