Where do I belong?

Is this where I should be?

I feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore, I feel trapped, like somehow, if I go somewhere new, maybe I could get my appreciation for life back. I am at heart an adventurist. I remember when I was leaving home for the first time, driving 2 days with everything I owned in a truck and moving here, I felt like it was this great new adventure. I felt free, ready for something new. Now here I am, nothing is new here, I’m trapped again, worse this time. I was talked into buying a house, told I’d easily be able to sell it, and now, I’m trapped. I can’t take off on a new adventure as I want. I can’t buy a sail boat with the profits from the sale of my home, load up my 4 cats and dog and sail off into the sunset totally free from responsibility. I do, just get in my car sometimes and drive. I drive with no purpose, no place to go, and no idea where I’ll get bored and stop. But I never really get far enough for a big scenery change, not to get the sense of freedom I want it to give me, because I know I have to turn around at some point and go back home, to my pets (who I’d never desert), to my mortgage, to my job, my bills, my boring life.

I think I was born in the wrong time, maybe I should have been born in a simpler time.  People forgot to stop and enjoy the little things in life. People forgot that WE are what is important in life, above all else, the living things on this planet, are all that matter. Not our material possessions, no amount of stuff will make us happier. We spend so much time focused on so much stuff. Stuff just accumulates, it doesn’t hug you, it doesn’t love you, it doesn’t challenge your mind, exchange ideas, or make the world a better place. We accumulate tons of stuff, we eat tons of food, we want more, MORE, MORE! Of everything!

Not me, I don’t want more stuff, I want things simplified. What I want more of is steadily in decline. I want more beaches, waves, birds. I want more grass, wind, flowers. I want more rain, dew, dripping trees and fog. I want a cool morning where the crickets still think it’s night and chirp and the birds start to wake and sing and I don’t hear a single car passing, but instead hear the exchange of night for day. I want to get on a boat and watch the whales flip and flop and groan in the middle of the ocean, and dolphins jumping and playing near by, yet so far away from anyone else that we seem to be the only living things left on the planet.

I know my escapist thoughts aren’t normal, most people are content to move to the suburbs, get married, have 2.5 children, work until they are 65, and then retire and sit in a recliner in front of the tv until they die. I don’t want that, I want more and less. Less in material things, yes, I want certain entertainment items, transportation items, but I like things simple, understated, functional. More in terms of quality, more quality in the few material possessions I chose to keep, and more quality in the people I surround myself with.

Compared to most people my age  I supposed I’m not normal, sitting quietly with a book, with my ipod listening to this, while watching the ocean, is the most relaxing thing, the most ideal life I could ever want.

Where I sit now, at work, with pop radio playing, the monotonous daily tasks, all I have is my pandora radio and headphones and pictures I can find on google images to soothe me through the day. My imagination of where I’m headed next, who I’ll meet, what I’ll do and see, what it will teach me and what I can teach others occupies the corners of my mind as I click away at my mouse designing more letterhead, more business cards, more images to sell, more stuff. And at night, I’ll dream of my next adventure, soon to come, very soon.


9 Responses to “Where do I belong?”

  1. September 22, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Loved your post. I wonder though, is there really a standard definition to “normal”? If there is, I don’t fit either. Thanks for sharing.

    • September 22, 2010 at 7:43 pm

      Maybe it’s just all the acid I did in the 60’s? 😉 Okay, it wasn’t the 60’s… it was the 90’s. Maybe though, it really did open my mind in ways I didn’t realize. I seek beauty, pleasure, enlightenment, and nothing more in life. I have no drive to be a career woman, a mom, or anything to anyone. I just seek to experience, everything I can experience in this life. *sigh* too bad money is necessary for all of that, I really need to win the lottery.

  2. September 22, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Get rid of the “pop music.” It’ll be the death of you!

    • September 22, 2010 at 8:57 pm

      I wish I could, believe me, I wish I could! Pandora is my only saving grace these days with my earphones. If I have to hear Saturday Night Fever one more time followed by John Mayer… I might just have a stroke.

  3. September 22, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    I think so many of us feel this sometimes. The only thing I would say is – GREAT! Feel this way! It reminds you that you are alive. What if you stopped wanting adventure? What if you became incredibly complacent with your life and never questioned your path? I think you’d be in a worse position. I know it sucks, especially when you feel trapped, but if I were you, I’d consider the worse alternative – not even knowing you feel trapped, and never doing anything about it.

    I can’t wait to read about your next adventure!

    • September 22, 2010 at 9:00 pm

      Thanks, I feel an adventure around the corner. I may have to spend another 2 years in this town, building up to it… ie. job experience as a nurse, (no more making stuff) but as soon as that time is up, I’m OUT! GONE! Adventure time is coming. I will get my boat, I will move, I will drive off into the sunset and have my happy ending that I’ve dreamed of.

  4. 7 firecracker3
    September 22, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    I understand that feeling well that you expressed. I often get in the car and will just go somewhere…winery, boutique shopping, etc just to get out and be adventurous, be damned if anyone is willing to go with me or not, I go on without them and have fun.

  5. September 23, 2010 at 2:19 am

    I can totally relate to what you are feeling. It feels like I have wanted to escape from “here” for far too long now. Nothing has gone horribly wrong in my life, I just feel like I would be more “me” if I was anywhere but here. Someone recently told me to look for the lesson in this difficult time – perhaps there is something you need to learn!?

    Great post – keep writing!

  6. September 26, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    OMG! Go! Explore! Do! Learn! Feel! Go! Go! Go!

    OK. So I realize that money doesn’t, in fact, grow on trees. Bummer. Of course, if it did, we’d find something else to value instead, but I digress (shocking).

    Regardless. Life is FUCKING SHORT. I say, bust out the fucking crayons and draw the life you want. As if you owned the only money tree ever. Then, once you’ve done that… what is standing between you and the crayon drawing? (Ok that whole house thing may be a big impediment…)

    Start there. BUT also explore things that are all around you. Places to go. Things to do. What is it you love love love? Find something new!

    Look. You never know what IS possibly until you try it. You also rarely know what is right there available to you. AND one way to clear those what-now? blues is to make a road map – the crayons at the end. If you can visualize what you want, and how to get there, it’s easier to play the waiting game now!


    And, PS, I missed the time-to-get-married-and-have-the-babies memo, too. But I am living the life I want, doing the things I want, because it is mine. Case in point: I leave for a two-month semi-work-related trip to Europe on Friday. How will I pay for it all? Will my work suffer? How will I do this?

    Who cares. What will I remember? Who will I be when I come home?

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