The Doctor is in

I got an email last night from a guy asking for communication with women advice. It’s not that I discourage anyone from doing so, but realize, I’m not the best person to be asking dating advice from. I am seriously fucked up in that department. My blog is such a small part of who I am, of my life, and believe me, if you knew me, it’s not the most fucked up stuff about me. I’m not sure why, after reading this blog, after reading all the darkness inside me and how I feel about love and dating and relationships, why anyone would ask me for advice.

I’m on a journey right now, it’s all about me, I’m selfish, and I realize it. Yes, I am a healer by nature, I can’t stop myself from trying to help, but emotionally, asking me for advice, is bound to lead anyone to disaster. I heal the physical, emotionally I will just draw you into my own selfish needs and suck you dry. It’s not a threat, it is a warning, only the strong survive in my world, as my friends and lovers.

Yes, what Brown said to me about being so great is true, to him, it’s how I draw them in, it’s why they always come back, but the fun me, it’s not who I am all the time, not even the majority of the time.  If I love you, as a friend or more, I will do it with everything I have, I’ll fight for you, have your back even if you are wrong. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I’m not loyal like a dog, it’s just that if you mistreat me like a dog, I will turn on you and bite. And if you are one who thinks you are worse off than me, or who thinks it’s a joke, well, fine, find out the hard way.

I have no self control, I’ll accept you, make you think I’m great and you will feel great when you are with me, talking to me, but my darkness will come out, eventually. When you try to change me, or emotionally control me, I’ll shut you down, I’ll shut you out, which will make you crazy.

By all means, ask my opinion, I’ll tell you, and if you don’t like it and try to debate my advice I’ll tell you to shut the fuck up and ask why you asked me in the first place? Lots of people like to do that. I won’t argue with people, I become aloof, I ignore people I don’t like, I escape to my happy place and shut down, it’s what you do when you are raised by a raging sociopath who gets in your face if you leave a pencil on the table on accident or take too long between changing sheet music during your two hour piano practice daily. When you have no one to protect you, you shut down, internalize, and become fucked up as an adult. This is why if you ask for my advice, I’ll give it to you, I’ll try to help you, I may even have good intentions, however my dark jaded world view gives skeptical advice, it’s selfish, and it only applies to what I would want someone to do for me. And hey, I’m fucked up, so what I want isn’t normal, it’s not what most people want, it’s not what healthy people want. So by all means, ask me, just be prepare for me to pull the football out just as you kick and laugh about it. Not that I discourage you from asking, by all means, ask away, the Doctor is in…

9 Responses to “The Doctor is in”

  1. 1 firecracker3
    September 30, 2010 at 9:17 am

    In summary, these guys specifically want parts of you, the ones they like and to hell with everything else that makes up the total you! And they return with the hope you have changed or they can somehow avoids the aspects of you they don’t enjoy. It is just selfish of them and immature to not be able to accept the person as a whole, sadly there are many like that in the world.

    • September 30, 2010 at 3:13 pm

      uh kinda, what it boils down to is I’m not as nice as people make me out to be in their heads. People delude themselves into seeing me as something that I’m not because I know how to behave in public…sometimes. Because I have done nice things for some people in the past, people in my present think I will do nice things for them, and I won’t. I’m done being nice outside of where it’s required. And soon, I won’t be required to be “nice” anywhere.

  2. September 30, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Every single one of us is effed up in some way. We all need to realize this and that we can’t be completely *fixed* or *changed*, we are what we are. Sure, we can get help (therapists, friends, blogging), but deep down the problem isn’t going away. We just learn to react and deal with it differently. Accept it or get the hell out of my way! I totally agree with the don’t ask for advice if you aren’t prepared to hear what you might not want to hear and sure as hell don’t criticize said advice.

    • September 30, 2010 at 3:44 pm

      yes, and to change you have to want to, and I do NOT want change. I’m okay with not being nice and sweet and what people expect of me. I actually kinda like being a bitch, it makes me happier than being nice.

  3. 5 don'tknowwhoyouare
    September 30, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Hey I know a girl like Lucy come to think of it -she’s a cutie- problem is she knows it. hehehe

    • September 30, 2010 at 7:11 pm

      I’m not cute, nothing about me is cute.

  4. 7 don'tknowwhoyouare
    September 30, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    except that’s cute what you just said 🙂

  5. October 3, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    I’ve been getting a lot of these emails too, random people who find the blog and want dating advice. I’ll give you my advice, but you probably won’t like it. But to tell the truth, I’m in no position to give advice! I can’t even figure my own dating life out – I mean, haven’t you read the blog? But I guess we should both take it as some sort of compliment…

    • October 5, 2010 at 11:28 am

      it was my first honestly, most people just respond to my blog in particular, no one has ever emailed me with a specific problem asking for advice. Especially not dating advice since I’m pretty much pure evil in that department at the moment. I kind of feel like guys that want to date me are like used car salesmen and need to be crushed and brought to their knees. I have no warmth in my heart for them. Hence why I am no longer dating.

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