10 Things That Make Me Happy

making car salesmen cry
Because they are the scum of the earth, worst kind of people, they are greedy, they lie, they manipulate, they play games, thus my goal is to bring them to their knees and make them suffer they way they make other weaker humans suffer. If they don’t cry and beg me to take the car for less than I offer, my job isn’t done!

jumping off things
why not?

my dog
cause she’s cute, loyal, smart, pretty, funny, fun and fluffy!

duh, cause it gets you drunk and tastes yummy

wearing a smaller size
cause it means I’m skinny, and hot, and who wants to be fat?

it makes me feel like my life has a theme song to go with my moods, like a movie.

it’s a great escape from the boring reality of my life

cause they are hot, sexy, and live forever. what’s not to love?

cream cheese frosting
duh… sugar rush!

Large deep bodies of water
it gives me a sense of freedom, a feeling I can go anywhere, am on the verge of some big new adventure just over the horizon.

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1 Response to “10 Things That Make Me Happy”

  1. October 14, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    I was at a dealership with a girlfriend. She wanted to do it all herself so I stood back. She was dealing with the sales manager because things with the new car were going from bad to worse. She’s at her wits end but never tagged me in so I kept my mouth shut.

    He pretends to do something to remedy the situation so she starts talking to me. I explain that he’s taking her for a ride and hasn’t said one honest thing.

    “Listen, car salesmen are liars to begin with and you’re dealing with the sales manger so that makes him the best liar.”

    I guess he heard that because he starts flipping out. I admitted that I did indeed call him a liar and pointed out the run around I’ve been listening to for the past twenty minutes. We’re toe to toe and I can see he’s not used to that. He’s the blustery type who yells over people. He turns and looks into the garage for support from the mechanics. Silly sales manager, mechanics hate sales.

    They’re all laughing. One of them is walking by, pats me on the shoulder, looks at the sales manager and says,

    “He’s got your number.”

    The guy is about to explode so does the only thing he can: walks behind the desk and angrily slides the partition shut. The garage bursts into laughter. A mechanic comes up to me to see what the problem is. He says he’ll get someone on it.

    You’d think the story would end there but it doesn’t. My job complete I’m standing outside. The sales manger opens the door and beckons us in. I don’t budge because I think he just wants her, besides, I think I’ve got enough slime on me for one day. But he needs both of us. I don’t budge then I see total panic and resignation in his eyes. Well, that I need to investigate.

    I stand off as he heaps apologies and remedies upon her. I’m thinking something odd must have transpired since we last spoke. I’m looking around the showroom at portraits of the members of the family who owns the place. Then, in the doorway, I see one of the guys in the large paintings and start laughing. He was standing there with his arms folded watching as his sales manager groveled. The best part for me was watching the mechanics pass by behind him to witness the event.

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October 2010
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