It’s always been him

Did you ever have someone that touched you in a way that no one else ever has? That is “The artist” for me. He was my high-school sweetheart I guess you could say. We met when I was 15, he was 14… but of course he lied and said he was 15, at that age, guys never want to be younger than the girl they like. We instantly knew each other, it was always comfortable. I don’t remember a lot of details because I did a lot of “experimentation” back then, my memory is foggy. I do remember making out with him in my bedroom, in the game room, and all over my house. I never had sex with him though, it wasn’t that I was a virgin (long story, I won’t ever go into), but I wasn’t ready, I loved him, too much, so much that I couldn’t handle what I felt at such a young age. I was selfish, as I still am, I wanted him for myself, but didn’t want to have him in that way.


We didn't go, but we couldda looked all cute like this, love the 90's...

The artist was my best friend in the world, we talked on the phone daily for hours. No matter how bad my day was, no matter how much I cried, he made me smile, he made me forget it all, and no matter what, he understood and took my side. There was  a girl that was my friend once, she use to take me to see him on her moped on the service road along a major busy highway against traffic. One day we got into a fight over who was wearing the only helmet on the way back, I threw the helmet at her, I wasn’t wearing the stupid thing, and it all went to hell from there where she was concerned. It turned out she wanted the artist when we had met him, but I claimed him as “mine” and he only had eyes for me. She later turned into my high-school bully… I know, shocking that I had a bully considering who I am today. She asked him to homecoming shortly after that, we didn’t even go to the same school, he of course told me and told her no. On new years eve we couldn’t be together, something about him being grounded I think, and I had met a guy from another school, and cheated on him. Hold up… I didn’t sleep with the guy! I just made out with him for like an hour, he was a very cool guy! But needless to say, I felt horrible the next day, I told the artist what I had done. He was furious with me, he said he’d cheat on me three times to teach me a lesson. I don’t know that he did, as we grew up, he said he was just bluffing, but I don’t know if that was to spare my feelings or not.

I broke up with him shortly after that, it wasn’t the whole “cheating” thing, I just thought I didn’t love him anymore, I needed to be a teenager and date lots of boys. He was the first guy to ever send me roses. I remember it clearly, I came home from school and there were roses on the stairs on the landing of the house. My step dad had accepted them on my behalf, and said “you got roses today”. I was humiliated, not sure what other word describes how horrible I felt inside for hurting this guy who was begging for me to love him back, and I didn’t. I didn’t talk to him for a few months despite his calls. I was so torn inside, my family was fucked up, my mom screwed me up in that department.

We did eventually start talking again, and become friends, good friends. We talked daily I’m sure, he could make me laugh like no one I’ve ever met since. He would ask me to be back together with him sometimes, but I would resist, not sure. We started loosing touch when I went off to college and he didn’t. He had dropped out of high-school, or was kicked out for fighting, with teachers and anyone who challenged him. He had family issues too. I took him to get something up at school after my first semester… I was trying to be someone I was not at that time, it wasn’t pretty, and he was also not sure who he was, and it felt like we lost our connection. We didn’t talk after that.

I went on with my life, lost touch with him, but thought about him a lot, wondered where he was, how he was, if he had ever gotten over me. We had been so close for five very crucial years of my life and of his, he was a big part of me becoming me. He was gone and I didn’t know how to find him. Well, thanks to the powers of social networking, the interwebz, I found him 3 years ago on myspace, which shortly after I abandoned since it was riddled with teenagers and drama. But during that time, he told me he was engaged, to be married in a few months and couldn’t resume our friendship the way it had been as to not upset his new bride to be. It hurt, I’ll admit it, I hoped I could be close to him again, I love him, I will always love him, maybe not in that romantic way, but in a deeper way that I’ve never felt for anyone since. Maybe it could be romantic now that I’m more mature, but it will never be. I accepted it, I’m actually really happy for him that he’s happy, that he got over me and how I hurt him, I know I did.

It still hurts, it’s totally selfish since I know I’m “the one that got away” for him, and I want him to want me, and I want to want him, and I want to be close to him again. I can’t, I can’t risk messing up his happiness, because I’m so screwed up myself, what if I screwed up his marriage and then didn’t want him? I can’t do that. But what brings this up is I found him on facebook tonight, he accepted my friend request in a matter of seconds. I can’t describe how it made my heart sink so fast, the pain I felt knowing how fast he did that, and wondering how his marriage is. The temptation to screw that up for him, to butt into his life for my own selfish wants is horrible. I’m a bad person for wanting him this way. I miss him, something terrible, I want to hear his voice. He had video’s posted one where he’s playing with someone’s baby, not his, and he’s talking and I started crying, I miss that voice.

He’s a pretty successful artist now, amazingly talented, he’s happy. Reading his page, then his website, it was like reading my own heart and mind, it’s amazing how we still think on the same wavelength, still want the same things in life. I had it all at 15 and threw it all away. I’m not sure where we stand as friends, I’m hoping his wife is more secure now in their relationship and can stand some form of communication between us. Even if nothing can ever be more than a distant friendship, I’m okay with that and will never of course tell him how I feel for him still, twenty years later. It’s been a few days since he added me and I wrote most of this, and we haven’t really talked, at all. I said hi to him on his wall, and got a one word reply, I’m guessing she is still not happy about us being friends. That really sucks.


9 Responses to “It’s always been him”

  1. October 11, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    I understand how you feel,But you have to think clearly.Because what goes around comes around,if you follow these urges you might hurt yourself,hurt him,and that other girl he’s married to,total loss.Try seeing other people,maybe someone will make fall in love again.Take care

    • October 13, 2010 at 7:07 am

      I would never in a million years do anything that would hurt him, I did enough damage when we were younger. If he wants to be friends, even distant ones, that is what I’ll accept. Some day, maybe his wife will be secure enough to allow us a real friendship.

  2. October 11, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    Laughter is a magical tool since laughter equates to feeling good and being happy. It is a way to forget about reality…but “life” is reality. My wife isn’t allowed on my Facebook page…not because I do anything bad, but I know she would be offended at all of my jokes.

    Respecting his wife’s position might be tough for you on this one…but it is important.

  3. 4 don'tknowwhoyouare
    October 11, 2010 at 9:45 pm


  4. October 12, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    I’ve certainly heard of people who have this sort of connection when they are young teens, and it lasts. But I haven’t personally experienced it. I can’t imagine the frustration, years later, to know where this person is, and that you have the potential for a sort of deep friendship that is very special. But I can understand that with growing up and going your separate ways – especially being on the verge of marrying – that he would want some distance.

    Still, it’s a remarkable story, and I feel for you in wanting to see him and talk to him, and the sense that somewhere inside, he might want the same.

    • October 13, 2010 at 7:10 am

      It really does suck, I know he wants to be my friend again, but can’t. When we did email back and forth a few years ago, it just felt like old times. Until of course he said it upset his fiance. I respect that he’s happy and wouldn’t want to hurt him again, so I’m keeping my distance.

  5. October 13, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this story. I think many of us have this person in our past that we think about fondly, wonder what could have been. I guess we just have to focus on having no regrets and loving the life we have – not the one we could have had. But I know that’s hard.

    Loved the way you told this story.

  6. 8 Esme
    October 13, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    The one person who touches me the best is also someone I haven’t had sex with. *sigh*

  7. October 26, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Wow. Don’t know what to say, lady (double-wow: when do I ever say that?).

    I’m sorry to hear he’s with someone who is that insecure. Seriously. And, to be honest? I have to wonder about him, if he’s chosen someone like that. You know? Hmm.

    Well. I guess also I have to wonder if you could be only friends with him. There is still so much there, just from your post… I don’t mean you’d want to hurt him, ever, but… you know? Hmm.

    I know there are people who have touched me deeply, that I could never be friends with. That chemistry is not something I can control. I also don’t think I could have them in my life, at all, really. Not without some significant changes that neither of us are going to make. Let’s be honest.

    You know? Hmm.

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