Archive for January, 2011

31
Jan
11

The one thing that I can’t figure out


I feel like I’ve spent my life figuring things out, how to do certain things, to be successful at each individual thing. That’s the way life is supposed to work right? First you master eating solid foods, walking, talking, reading, friends, higher learning, career, love and family… then you start to work on some of the harder stuff. The all important “why am I here?” as in, this planet, not this house, although that does come into play along the way.

But the thing is this, I’ve never gotten there. I’ve never made it past career. Maybe things don’t always go in that exact order, but that’s the thing, this is where I’ve gotten stuck. Somehow, I skipped it and started working on the whole “why am I here?” question. Probably because I didn’t want to face the one I skipped. And then, I keep looking back, feeling like the one reason I am here is for love, and yet it’s the one thing that completely eludes me, the thing that slips through my fingers and at times stomps on my heart and laughs as it walks off hand in hand with one of my friends.

Every man I meet now is so wrong for me, I just know it, instantly, most of the time before they open their mouths. I feel nothing for them but simple friendship, or in many cases revulsion (lets face it, when you get older, what’s  left are the “my mommy didn’t love me enough” issues that I’m not down with).  Yet I want to feel more for someone, like I did when I was younger, like I still do when I think about the one I lost. Not as in I feel that way now, but I remember how it was. I think sometimes it’s karmic payback for hurting someone so deeply. To spend my whole life wanting what I can’t have.

I look around, at my friends and families relationships, and I see such little real love. I see cheaters, liars, drug abuse, convenience, obligation and secrets, so many secrets. Then I go to work, and hear secrets of my patients. The mistress in the waiting room while the wife asks me how he got to the hospital. The wife who asks “who called 911 if he was unconscious?” and I have to tell her to talk to the police because I can’t face telling her the person who called 911 was a hooker who ran out the back door. She devoted her whole life to a lie and as soon as she turned her back, look what he did! I obviously can’t tell whole stories here, it’s against the law, but these are things I see at work every day. I don’t see the devoted husband who had a heart attack making love to his wife of 40 years. And so I ask myself, is it possible? If these people can’t find it, and neither can I, is it possible at all? Can anyone? Who am I, how am I so special that if so few other people can find that one in a million spark of real love with someone, that I should?

So I ask myself again, why am I here? What is my purpose? I know many will say I should pray about it, ask god. I don’t think I believe in god, I’m truly agnostic in the sense that I see no evidence of god, I never have. I use to pray when I was younger, because I thought it was what you were supposed to do, that and most kids live on that magical thinking, but not once were my prayers answered. Nothing ever changed in my life that I didn’t change myself.

I tell one of my good friends to find happiness within her self. I’m such a hypocrite. I don’t think I’ve really felt happy in a long time. Yes, I think I have peace to a degree, I’m comfortable in my routine, there is zero drama in my life. But there is no joy. So where I stand now is, I’ve met all my life goals; own house (check), new car (check), education (check, check, check), dream job (check),  except… love of my life (   )…yes, that’s an empty check box. What makes it worse I think, is that I know looking for it, trying to make it work with someone else doing the same thing, never works, I’ve been there. But I’m also so use to working towards a goal I know how to meet. All of my check boxes are tangible things with steps to reach each goal. There is no step to finding true love, it either happens or it doesn’t.  So here I sit, waiting and wondering, what’s left for my life?

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23
Jan
11

At a loss for words…


I haven’t written in a while, I didn’t even finish my Festivus tribute. Not only am I not motivated to write, I’m so busy and exhausted I haven’t made time or thought of what to say. My life poses no real social or moral dilemmas at the moment, small irritations here and there, but nothing life changing, nothing the world wants to read about, or at least I don’t know why anyone would.

I am working nights now, which I’ve had no trouble converting to, the problem lies in converting back to days once a week for a training class as part of my 6 month orientation. It kills me, I’m so exhausted getting 4 to 5 hours of sleep as it is, then trying to sleep when I’m normally awake takes it’s toll after a few weeks. Friday night I could barely trace a line from my patient to the IV pump and bag, much less learn anything new. I also monitor up to 30 patients on a telemetry monitor a couple nights a week, another part of the orientation thing. I wouldn’t mind that part once a week, but two a week is pushing my ability to sit in one place for 12 straight hours. I’ve started hearing the alarm sounds in my sleep.

Work is good, I’m learning a lot about different equipment and drugs I was never familiarized with in school. We use a lot of propofol, yup, the drug that killed MJ. Apparently we use it less now than before since families are concerned about it, not understanding the situation is different, these patients are on a ventilator, it doesn’t matter if they stop breathing on their own. The fun part of my job is knowing all these people’s deep dark secrets. Real life brokeback mountain stories, men who have a heart attack while with hookers and his wife is out of town (when the wife finally thinks to ask, “who called 911?” it’s a fun conversation), criminals, drug addicts, schizophrenics… the families have no idea what their loved ones hide, until they show up on my floor unconscious and someone has to make decisions about whether or not the live or die. Word to the wise people, if your next of kin wouldn’t like your life choices or you live a life of lies, I’d find someone else to be in charge of the decision to keep you alive or withdraw care.  Or maybe people should think about being jerks once in a while and do the right thing instead of deceiving those that love them most.

Anyway… on my social life front, well, I have none really. I haven’t been out in well over a month. I have no interest in dating still. It’s not that I don’t want someone to love, it’s really not, but it terrifies me to the core. I have major trust issues, and I can’t imagine one single man out there that would measure up. It does seem however that the men at work have discovered my singledom. The creepy guy that asked me to do porn on his website via the cupid site last year turns out to work as a travel nurse on my floor! He’s of course hitting on me not realizing I recognize him. I’m NOT saying anything to him, he’s kind of scary/creepy enough to be someone who would feel threatened and might try to kill me in the parking lot or something. I’ll just keep my mouth shut and hope his assignment is over soon. The rest I don’t mind the flirtations, none of them give me butterflies, and I have no intention of becoming involved with any of them, so let them bring me coffee and food, fine by me! Back to my not wanting to date, my rational for it anyway. I can’t seem to get that “feeling” when I meet new men in various places, the feeling I get is just like when I meet a female, friendship only. I figure when I’m ready, I’ll meet someone, I’m in no hurry, not like my schedule lends it’s self to wanting to date anyway. Maybe I need some therapy first, when I can afford it.

Speaking of affordable, I got a new car! Totally forgot about that. I got a 2011 Honda Civic. Man, I love this car. The only thing that could make it better would be leather heated seats. They didn’t have any in stock and my car was about to take a dump with the long distances I was driving every day to work, so I bought the best model they had. I probably didn’t get the best deal I could have gotten, but my salesman wasn’t really much of a salesman, he was one of the unfortunate people who was laid off and this was better than no income, and he was really nice and not slimy at all. Had he been the guy across from him, total slimball jerkface scum, I would have pushed for a much lower price and been a real pain in the ass. But he was so new, and nice, and honest, I felt bad taking away his paycheck by getting it super cheap. I did get it lower than sticker of course, but not my usual car buying experience. I also got the extended bumper to bumper warranty, with the miles I’m putting on it, I’ll need it. That being said, I was spending $400 a month on gas in my old car, this one will be about $150 at current gas prices. If I didn’t have a payment, I would be saving money… but, with the payment, I’m still only spending $100 more a month than I was. Totally worth it. That being said, my paychecks SUCK! I’m grossing $1200 more a month and only getting $600 of that! WTF? I even claimed 2 on my tax forms to get more back each paycheck and it’s barely made a difference! My taxes SUCK!

On a final note, I have realized how much I hate the long drive to work, even in a new car, after working 12 hours, no one wants to drive an hour home! I need to move. Problem is, I have to sell my townhouse. We all know how well that’s going to work out! Plus my house needs some cosmetic work I can’t afford at the moment. On top of that, even if I list my house, how can I show it with one dog, four cats, and me sleeping during the day when they want to see it? I have to move out first and get a rental while it’s listed, and I really can’t afford a rental house and my mortgage at the moment. Hell I can’t even afford to get the carpet patched where the cat shredded it while trapped in the guest room on accident. I guess I’m stuck where I am for now, until I get a decent raise.

I suppose I should get up and go face the sunlight, I have a lot to do today and have put it off long enough. I’m working on some comic like posts to add a little comedy to my blog, mostly about my crazy animal farm. Someday I’ll get at least one finished and post it. But first I have to go change the litter boxes and finish reading this great book on my NookColor.




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