Archive for May, 2011

29
May
11

Addiction


ad·dic·tion

[uh-dik-shuhn]

–noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Nope, not addicted to drugs, or booze, or shopping, I’m addicted to a frickin man. I can’t stop. I knew it was going to be like this the minute I met him, the first time I saw him I just knew. No, I didn’t see him and lust and think “omg, this is the hottest guy ever”, but I was drawn to him, kept looking and wondering why. Then we started talking and couldn’t stop talking. It’s been like that ever since. Every day, and the few days we don’t spend hours on the phone, it’s like withdrawal. I have imaginary conversations with him as I lay in bed.
I didn’t want this! I avoided this! I told him I’m a mess when it comes to relationships, I suck, and don’t really know why anyone would want one with me. But he keeps calling me, talking to me and now has plans to come visit me in July. Which scares me for many reasons. What if when he gets here I pull my typical sudden freak out and just don’t want him here anymore? Don’t say I won’t, cause I’ve done it before. When  guy invades my space for even two days I tend to freak out and never want to see him again, especially when I see no out of him going home. I can’t not do it, it just happens, and I can’t not hurt the person. Which with this guy, puts me in a weird situation with him being my brother in laws best friend!
On the other hand, what if I want him to stay? What if I want him to never leave? What if I fall for him even more so than I already am? I’m already waiting for the ball to drop on that one, the one where he decides he doesn’t like me anymore. The one where my heart breaks for the hundredth time and I go back to that bad place I have been too many times before.
I know I need to discuss all this with him, but I feel like there are certain things that should be said in person, except I’d hate for him to waste his money flying out here only to say “wow, you really are messed up, maybe we just shouldn’t go there” and then it’s all weird the rest of the trip. So I’m finding myself being forced to have this conversation via phone even though I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to say “be careful with my heart”, I want to be cool and easy going and just go with the flow and enjoy what’s happening. But, easy going girl is just not who I am I guess.
I wish I could just let everything in my past go and relax. But that girl is gone when it comes to my heart being on the line. So here I go, trying to find the right words to even begin this conversation.
16
May
11

Trouble of mine


I really just want to scream because I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone so quickly in my life! I want to claim this man as MINE! Whats worse is I’ve never even kissed him! We just met last week and I can’t stop thinking about him! This is sooooo not good!

Reasons it’s bad? Well first is the fact I don’t want a relationship! I’m totally emotionally fucked in that department! I’ve been broken for quite a while now and have done nothing to remedy the situation except avoid dealing with it, and avoid romance. I’m terrified of being hurt, terrified of hurting someone, and I don’t think my heart could take another loss. Secondly, the guy in question lives in another state, FAR away! I met him at an event! I don’t know how to even start a relationship, much less a long distance one! But I feel like I can’t stand to be away from him for another day, much less the weeks on end it would be if I did decide to give this a try.

It’s like this… on one hand I feel like it’s too late, I have already fallen for him, there is no stopping it, it’s like a train wreck and even though I keep trying to put on the breaks, I’m headed for a huge collision. I have a falling feeling and I’m trying to dig my heels in to stop from being pulled forward on a downward slope, but it’s not working, I just end up with muddy feet. I know it’s wrong, I am not good, and he really deserves someone good, someone better than me. So I think, is it worth it to put myself out there? Is it worth the risk? or hell, is it too late? Because I feel like if I step away right now it’s already going to hurt. And I know that’s crazy! The thing is I know he’s feeling it too, and I don’t know what conflicting emotions if any he’s dealing with because it remains unspoken right now.

We didn’t kiss cause quite frankly I was FREAKING out! I’d get nervous in those times we were alone and it could have happened and make it impossible. For the most part though, we were around my family. I also wonder if they had a hand in my meeting him, if my sister wasn’t playing cupid a little? It’s odd how much we have in common, really odd. And she’s suspiciously quiet, not asking anything, not a word, about the fact he stayed in my hotel room one night cause I was too drunk to drive him home. She didn’t ask if anything happened. So I am assuming she thinks something happened and is all grinning and shit.

I have to get him out of my head somehow, someway! I’ve tried exercise, cooking, reading, music, training for work; nothing replaces the images my imagination produces every time I so much as blink! No… nothing naughty, well most of the time.




This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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