Trouble of mine

I really just want to scream because I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone so quickly in my life! I want to claim this man as MINE! Whats worse is I’ve never even kissed him! We just met last week and I can’t stop thinking about him! This is sooooo not good!

Reasons it’s bad? Well first is the fact I don’t want a relationship! I’m totally emotionally fucked in that department! I’ve been broken for quite a while now and have done nothing to remedy the situation except avoid dealing with it, and avoid romance. I’m terrified of being hurt, terrified of hurting someone, and I don’t think my heart could take another loss. Secondly, the guy in question lives in another state, FAR away! I met him at an event! I don’t know how to even start a relationship, much less a long distance one! But I feel like I can’t stand to be away from him for another day, much less the weeks on end it would be if I did decide to give this a try.

It’s like this… on one hand I feel like it’s too late, I have already fallen for him, there is no stopping it, it’s like a train wreck and even though I keep trying to put on the breaks, I’m headed for a huge collision. I have a falling feeling and I’m trying to dig my heels in to stop from being pulled forward on a downward slope, but it’s not working, I just end up with muddy feet. I know it’s wrong, I am not good, and he really deserves someone good, someone better than me. So I think, is it worth it to put myself out there? Is it worth the risk? or hell, is it too late? Because I feel like if I step away right now it’s already going to hurt. And I know that’s crazy! The thing is I know he’s feeling it too, and I don’t know what conflicting emotions if any he’s dealing with because it remains unspoken right now.

We didn’t kiss cause quite frankly I was FREAKING out! I’d get nervous in those times we were alone and it could have happened and make it impossible. For the most part though, we were around my family. I also wonder if they had a hand in my meeting him, if my sister wasn’t playing cupid a little? It’s odd how much we have in common, really odd. And she’s suspiciously quiet, not asking anything, not a word, about the fact he stayed in my hotel room one night cause I was too drunk to drive him home. She didn’t ask if anything happened. So I am assuming she thinks something happened and is all grinning and shit.

I have to get him out of my head somehow, someway! I’ve tried exercise, cooking, reading, music, training for work; nothing replaces the images my imagination produces every time I so much as blink! No… nothing naughty, well most of the time.


2 Responses to “Trouble of mine”

  1. May 17, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Here’s where I’m gonna be *tough*…Don’t ever believe that you are not good!!!! You are. Period.

    And here’s where I am gonna be *gentle*…You should allow yourself to be open to feeling these feelings. Sure, we all stand the chance of being hurt or hurting someone else, but that’s life. Life isn’t worth much without feeling.

    I think you should try to (if you already aren’t) keep in touch with this man. Talk on the phone, text, IM, email, whatever. Get to know him better that way. You’ve already established that you have the physical chemistry. And to feel that right off the bat is great. Once you get to know him better, then you can figure out how to visit one another and see how that one-on-one interaction goes (without family around). Take it one step at a time.

    I’ve been in your shoes with a guy I met in London years ago. We hit it off while I was on vacation there. Had some kind of contact every day from Sept till March, when I went back to London to visit him. Kept the contact going till he came to NY in July to visit me. It ultimately didn’t work out because he wound up moving to Australia and that distance was too much.

    It may not have worked out for me, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t for you. And the distance between you and him isn’t crossing the Atlantic and several time zones.

    Whatever you decide to do, I stand behind you. And you can always, always lean on me or vent or gush or whatever. xoxo

    • May 17, 2011 at 4:00 pm

      I am just having a hard time with the whole thing. I wasn’t looking, was actually doing the opposite, and I feel like I was hit with a mack truck. I didn’t see it coming and BAM! There he was, and it wasn’t instant physical attraction, it was like gravity pulling me towards him.

      He already called me Sunday night when he finally went home, then IMed me until he had to go to sleep. Then this morning he caught me on FB for a while before he had to work.

      While I know long distance hasn’t worked for me in the past, I know it does for some people. For example my sister and her now husband, who is also his best friend. I know I can’t really afford to fly up there all the time, and don’t think he can afford trips down here very often, which sucks! I don’t want to set myself up for failure.

      Besides all that, I have so much emotional baggage, how is that fair to him? It’s not like I can just say “okay, I’m good, I have no more baggage!” and make it gone so it doesn’t manifest in any future relationship. It’s engrained in me, damage from childhood and 574825074 failures as an adult. Idk if I warn him, do I not mention it? At this point I know there is no stopping whatever happens with us, I can’t seem to stop myself. So since I’m trying not to screw things up, I don’t want him to misinterpret my hesitancy as disinterest. So I’m not sure if I try to explain to him or just see what happens? Ya know? See… THIS is why I don’t date anymore! This is why I have avoided it for the last year!

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