Archive for the 'douchebag' Category

13
Apr
11

No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?


Is it that I’m punching you in the face?

For all the sadness I’ve had in the last year, I’ve now reached the point of anger. The visual I get in my head of kicking my many ex’s in the balls brings a true smile to my face. The image of punching the jerk in the face that keeps hitting on me at work despite the fact he’s married and his wife gave birth 3 days ago, makes me smile. Of course he asks “why are you smiling like that?” “who me? you mean this ‘cat that ate the canary’ look?”

No one knows, just me and you. When I get that look on my face, it’s cause in my head, I’m going Chuck Norris on someone. I’m frickin tired of all the bullshit in this world, I’m done, and I’m about to show the world how done I am. Apparently saying it to everyone means nothing, they continue to mess with me, so now I’m done with talk, now you get one warning, then I kick ass. This excludes work of course, since I can’t go around kicking men in the balls at work. But GAWD I’d love to get that little punk in a room alone backed against a wall. I’m tired of being nice, why do I have to be nice all the time? Especially to people I don’t like? Because I’m female? Because people expect women to be nice and smile at everyone walking down the street? Ha!

I will be the female equivalent to this picture. When people see this rock they will think, wonder if Chuck or Vendetta did this? What? you wanna piece of me?

 

Public service announcement – Anything said here can not be used against me in a court of law, this is a joke, I am not physically threatening anyone even though I am angry. If you can’t get my warped sense of humor, well, lets just say I’m smilin at cha’!
25
Oct
10

I get the best spam email because of this blog


You really got the guts to break up with me over email,bitch??!?!

Tell you what! I just made a nice compilation of your/our best scenes and put it up for download on (Insert spam link to porn site)
Oh and btw: This email just went out to your parents. I bet they didn’t know you’re into dirty stuff like this.

Cheers!
Your ex bf

Yup, I got that this morning, along with about 57823457 other wordpress bloggers I’m sure, the email list was LONG! I of course didn’t click the link, I have no need to see some porn that will infect my computer for years to come. I just think how odd it is that someone went through blog after blog collecting emails to send this weird bit of spam to! Def. the funniest spam I’ve ever gotten by far! Never seen anything remotely close to this in my inbox. Usually it’s the typical nigerian money scams, or normal spam that attempts to get me to shop on their site, but this was  a first… ah… blogging, what fun.

06
Oct
10

Crazy people are… well, Crazy


So I have this friend, she’s nuts, I mean really really nuts. I don’t have to explain this to some of you who know some of the stories but for those that don’t I’ll just give you one of the most interesting stories since I’ve known her in the last 5 years. And that will also ring in crazy number two to help understand the current situation. She was also the one I went zip lining with a few weekends ago. Remember the car ride straight to hell? Yup, more of her!

The Beach Story

Last May after my graduation Mr. NY was headed to the beach with all his friends from back home for his birthday for a week. He was leaving from the beach to go back to NY, and you all know how that ended… in case you forget, he never came back from NY. But anyway, he begged me to come to the beach for the weekend before he left to see me one more time. So I’m going to bring Crazy1 and Crazy2, (C1 and C2 from here on out). C1 and C2 are roommates since C1’s husband left her and she lost her job all in the same week, C2 and her made friends at her new job and C2 was being foreclosed on and needed a place to live. C1 and I have been friends a few years, yes, she’s totally nuts… but, she’s fun, and her being crazy makes for interesting times, usually. C1 is joking with Mr. NY’s friend, she thinks he’s hot, he REALLY can’t stand her. Mr. NY tells me his friend, lets call him DB, really doesn’t want C1 to come to the beach, he’s scared of her, but we joke and I say C1 has huge boobs and likes to flash them and to tell DB. So he does and DB makes a joke to C1 about playing strip poker, she says she doesn’t know how to play strip poker but she’ll play strip baseball since the yanks are playing the mets while we are there. He agrees. C2 catches wind of this text joking going on between the 4 of us and FREAKS the fuck out. She calls me hysterical saying she’s not going because she knows Mr. NY’s friends she’s never met are going to rape her or make her show her tits. uh… okay… it was a joke, mostly an inside one between me and Mr. NY because DB did NOT really want to see C1’s boobs. So C2 backs out and flips out for a few hours. C1 and I decide to go anyway, I was going with or without them, but Mr. NY didn’t want me driving alone and didn’t trust my car to make the long trip. So we get there…. dun dun dun….

DB is locked in the master bedroom, which was supposed to mine and Mr. NY’s alone and won’t come out. He won’t answer when we knock, nothing! So we go with Mr. NY’s other friend who is nice but quiet and we hang out at the beach and drink a few beers that night and kinda pass out early. I got stuck on the sofa bed with Mr. NY, NOT happy about that! C1 and Mr. NY’s quiet friend were in the other bedroom which had twin beds. The next day me and C1 go to the beach and DB has awoken and all the boys watch soccer while we are at the beach. We come back and DB is WASTED so is Mr. NY and his team has lost the match. The other friend decides to drive home early since he’s from close by. So now it’s just the 4 of us this evening. Mr. NY and I really wanted some alone time, some quiet time to talk and be a couple, nothing big but we hadn’t had any privacy except the shower since I got there. So the baseball game comes on and they decide the rules for strip baseball. Mr. NY is outside smoking and comes in and C1 has already lost her shirt and since I’m on her team DB turns to tell me I have to take off my shirt, Mr. NY says “hell no! we aren’t playin this shit with dem” and grabs me by the arm and pulls me into the bedroom with the twin beds. So we pull them together to make one bed and try to turn on the tv, which doesn’t work, so he runs and switches the tv’s from the other bedroom so we can watch something. In the mean time, they continue with strip baseball in the other room. Last time I passed thru to the kitchen they were both naked and hiding under sheets of the pulled out sofa bed… I didn’t go back in.

Sudden Mr. NY’s phone goes off, it’s a text from DB, then there is a knock on our door, he panics and tries to show me the phone and what it says but I can’t see, so he throws the phone at me and goes to open the door, it’s C1. She says DB wants to talk to Mr. NY outside on the patio, he eyes his phone for me to read the message. C1 tells me DB just told her they found out they have to pay extra for us staying there and we have to leave. Meanwhile I know DB has hidden from C1 the first night, and expressed to Mr. NY he want’s NOTHING to do with her and doesn’t like her at all. So I finally get his phone figured out and read the text which says “come outside, keep it on the DL, don’t tell ur girl”. Of course, first thing he does is tell me, he always did. So after she says all this I go outside and Mr. NY is hanging over the balcony and sighing and tells me to go back to our room and he’ll be right there. So finally he comes in and tells me it’s not true. DB did something with C1 and is trying to get away from her. In the mean time C1 is freaking out because we are 4 hours from home with no where to stay at 11 at night. I’m having to lie to her because I don’t want to further freak her out. Mr. NY and I come up with a plan to tell her he called the leasing agency and they said no, they don’t have to pay extra it was a mistake on DB’s part.

I go outside and C1 comes with me and proceeds to tell me something happened between her and DB and I’m a horrible selfish person because of putting her in this situation and leaving her alone with him. I asked if he raped her, nope she says but she won’t tell me, and Mr. NY won’t tell me and I’m being told off for going to see my boyfriend and ask for a few hours alone with him before he leaves town for 3 weeks????? Finally I get it out of her. She tells me they started fooling around and she asked if he had a condom and he said no, so she said they weren’t having sex then and he asked her to give him head then and she said no, so he said “okay, can I titty fuck you?” she laughed in his face and he jerked off on her chest instead. She let him do this mind you, she could have gotten up and gotten dressed and stopped this at any point. But she’s humiliated because after he came on her, he got up and went outside and said “I’m good” and smoked a cigarette and came up with this cockamamie story about us having to pay to get rid of her. So after I’m done being told off, since it’s my fault, I go back and tell Mr. NY what she told me, he’s hysterical and tells me what DB told him happened. DB said he was wearing a “rape whistle” and she kept trying to kiss him and he’d try to blow it and she’d stop him. So then she tries to give him a hand job and her hands were like sand paper and he asked her to just blow him, she said no, so he DID titty fuck her and get up and say “I’m good”. Well… put the two stories together and you have the truth somewhere. Me and Mr. NY laughed with our heads in the pillows for a good 20 minutes after comparing stories and figuring out what to do. In the mean time DB figured out we stole his TV and now locking himself back in his room would be much less pleasant so he proceeded to text Mr. NY stupid pictures all night and C1 went to sleep on the sofa. We got up the next morning and left quickly.She told me off in the car for 4 hours on the way home, because it was somehow my fault she had a bad time. I should have gone to a club with her like she wanted. o_O She knew the only reason I went to the beach was to see Mr. NY! Why would I ditch him for some bar? Duh…

Which brings us to the present. I didn’t talk to C1 much of the summer because of that. She treated me bad on the trip and Mr. NY and DB and the other friend said not just then, but other times they saw her around me she treated me bad and they were going to stop it if she didn’t knock it off. I agree. I don’t ride places where she is the driver far away now. But I really didn’t see much of her all summer because I was so mad at the way she talked to me and her C2 roommate freaking out and now feeling justified because C1 told her she was right. ugh… so annoying.

 

not a fan of this dog

 

I took care of C1’s dog last weekend, this annoying monster of a dog. Yappy little obnoxious shithead stupid dog. But, it’s a dog, so I try to be kind to it. C1 got back from her trip to find out C2 had moved out, with no notice, no note, nothing while she was away. Now they are fighting. C2 keeps texting C1 and can’t even face her with a phone call! Dude! Who does that? Turns out because C2 has a new boyfriend and C1 doesn’t, C2 tells C1 she’s jealous of her new boyfriend…. lmao… really? C2’s boyfriend is a loser, drunk, and weirdo. She’s totally off her rocker and can’t face anything, she’s a chicken, and totally flaky. Hence why C1 has to have me watch her dog and a neighbor watch her cat when she has a roommate that lives there. She can’t even let the dog out into the fenced backyard or feed a cat once a day. Crazy people are just so, CRAZY! I really don’t want to hear about it anymore, but C1 keeps calling and texting me asking what to do, what to say. I’m sick with a cold, I really am out of it and don’t know what to tell her. I would have been done with the chick a long ass time ago. I don’t do chick drama, period, I just don’t. I can’t stand this shit and C1 has a life full of it. When drama comes knocking at my door, I move to another continent, period, so again, why is this person coming to me for advice? I don’t do drama, my advice is to walk away from C2! Change the locks, and forget you ever knew the bitch. Ugh… I can’t type anymore, I need to take some nyquill and go to bed. I just thought you all would enjoy the amusing “beach story” as some of my friends have come to know it and retell it.

05
Oct
10

Bend over and take it


My mom’s husband bought a new car last night, he paid sticker price, didn’t haggle, he just bent over and took it. At first he was going to pay $8,000 more when my mom didn’t get involved and at least draw the line at her getting taken in the ass too. I volunteered to go to the dealership alone and get at least 6,000 knocked off the price, to make them cry and bring them to their knees. I take great pleasure at making car salesmen cry and suffer. The last car I bought I got for a ridiculous price and the salespersons hand shook as the paper with the words “you win” were handed to me.  Needless to say, I wasn’t taken up on my offer to get the car they wanted for cheap, her husbands pride wouldn’t allow it. I mean, he thinks he’s the man, walking in, using a bunch of good ole’ boy cliches, shaking hands, laughing like he’s so cool and rich… ha! I think he likes it up the ass. I mean, he takes it enough, every time he buys something. Hell, the guy lets his dog hump him, if that doesn’t tell you what a spineless prick he is, well, not much else does. It’s not a little yappy dog either, it’s a golden frickin retriever!

I think dating is a lot like buying a used car. You think you are getting a shiny new perfect vehicle that has only been driven by one owner when you get this guy. You are lied to, manipulated, truth is bent, twisted and mangled beyond recognition. Especially online, it’s horrible, everyone’s profile reads like a used car ad, a sales pitch, and desperation. Why should I buy from this site or that site is like deciding which car dealer is going to give it to me up the ass for the next 3-5 years of payments.  No thanks!

I feel the same way about men who want to date me, sleep with me, or otherwise sell themselves to me when they know they are nothing but a lemon. What did I just say I did to the used car salesman? Oh ya, bring him to his knees, make him cry, beg for mercy, cower and suffer. So feeling the same about used car salesmen as I do men who want to date me you would think some would get a clue? Na, they never do, they don’t believe me either, they still think for some strange reason they have the upper hand.What pisses me off about this is that I’m extremely sensitive to how people are feeling, about me, and those around them, about their motives. It’s not like I can read minds, but I can read feelings, vibrations I guess you could say. Just because I don’t say anything, doesn’t mean I didn’t pick up on it. I’m pretty good at ignoring most people until I want to say something.

What can I say, I have a lot in common with Queen Sophie-Anne

Worse than the men that want to stick it in my pooper are the ones that think they can love me and change me. Because really, the desperation they are selling is soooo much more appealing? Instead this type I like to toy with, like a game of cat and mouse, like a vampire after her prey. “oooh please Vendetta, I know if I just love you enough, you will love me too, I know I can fix you”. Sure you can, why don’t you come over here and show me, demonstrate for me, don’t be scared, I won’t bite…. much.  I suppose I think too highly of myself or maybe it’s not high enough? I don’t think any man I’ve ever met has been worthy of me looking back. Who would say just the right thing at just the right moment to really get to me at this point? It’s been done to the point that there is nothing left to get, it’s my turn to take, and well, I would rather not take, I’d rather crush, destroy, and ruin. So yes, I think it would be a good time to send me out to buy a new car if you need one.

28
Sep
10

There baaaack…


Why must my single life feel like a scene from a suspenseful movie? It’s like you went to the movie knowing it’s going to be like this, you hear the music of impending doom, yet you still become startled at the moment of the kill.

They always come back, every stupid guy I date that screws up and pulls whatever crap he pulls, comes back. Like my sister, I suppose I’m cursed as well. First I’ll update on her ex-situation. The one that called her a few weeks ago that is. She called back, to find the number disconnected. A few days later he called again, this time she was at home with her fiance and he got her to call again. So he apologizes like he’s in a twelve step program for what he did to her, her fiance is on speaker phone the whole time, and realizes why the dude is calling isn’t an apology, he wants her back. Long story short, he said “holy crap, they really do all come back!” As if he didn’t believe us. I guess at this point in the story, you want to know which one of my slimy ex’s came back?

I saw it coming, when I signed back up for okcupid for the whole friends thing, he was circling my profile like a shark every few days, I guess hoping I’d see it and jump in the water for him to bite. Boy is he wrong! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Apparently Brown also doesn’t know the saying, once bitten twice shy, either. So a few nights ago, he wrote me on there, I only checked it this morning because I was up before dawn with a dog that had to pee so bad she couldn’t wait, so I was awake, and bored. I should have stuck with watching True Blood, at least those vampires only suck your blood.

You really are a very very nice and sweet women, your very pretty and your alot of fun to be around I just thought you should know that…

This is the drunken message I got, I forgot to look to see what time it was when it was sent on the 26th, but I’m betting it was the wee hours of the morning after a very bad date. I find it funny that he felt the need to tell me things I already know about myself instead of apologize. More games I suppose, not that I didn’t expect it. See unlike my sister, my guys rarely apologize, and they don’t take four years to come back, usually it’s around four to nine weeks. Out of the three men I dated more than casually this year, all three have come back now. Darn, what do I have to look forward to for the rest of the year?

Okay, back to Brown and this stupid message. I haven’t replied, not sure that I will, or what I’d say, I need time to think about it. Since I now have the upper hand again, I intend to keep it, and replying so soon after reading it and feeling my heart accelerate with anger, I could easily blurt out something without thinking and lose hand again, and I’d really like to make him suffer. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll think about it today, and as always take all comments into consideration. I know some of the best evil minds reside on this blog, so any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you don’t want to be evil in helping me plot revenge, feel free to speak up. I wonder though, do I care enough to get revenge? Maybe I’ll just get bored enough this week and do it for the sake of something interesting to do. I also noticed in this message the “alot” monster was set loose, which made me giggle and revisit her blog. Have a great day everyone!

20
Sep
10

pièce de résistance


He lives here maybe?

I haven’t been back on my okcupid account in a few weeks, cause frankly, I just don’t care that much. I only have it to make new friends when I feel like it, and well… I just really don’t care to check it that often. So what do I see when I open my messages tonight? Something totally blogworth! Oh ya baby! It’s a beauty of 3 messages! Lest start with drunken message number one!

DRIVING TO ATLANTA THOUGHT WE WOULD MESSAGE YOU

Sep. 12, 2010 – 1:16pm

HI GOODMORNING! JUST SEEING IF YOU WERE ON! ME AND CRIS, A BUDDY OF MINE WERE DRIVING TO ATLANTA!HE THINKS YOU LOOK LIKE MY X,BUT I DONT THINK SO I TOLD HIM,ANYWAY ENJOY THE FIRST DAY OF N.F.L. KICKOFF-GO FALCONS,ACTUALLY I LIKE TOM BRADY AND THE PATRIOTS BEST, BUT HEY! IAM NOT TURNING DOWN A FREE TICKET,WELL ENJOY YOUR DAY ,LOL AND I HOPE THIS IS THE BEGINING OF A GREAT SOMTHING! TIME TELLS IT ALL DOESNT IT? ITS GOING TO BE LOVELY IN ATLANTA TODAY SO I HOPE SOME OF IT RUBBS OFF ON TO YOU. YOUR DOGS CUTE ,I LOVE DOGS,IN SAN FRAN I WAS RAISED WITH CATS AND DOGS, OF COURSE THERE GONE NOW BUT I STILL THINK OF THEM FROM TIME TO TIME AND THE MEMORIES THEY INSTILLED IN ME.BY4NOW! WISH YOU WERE HERE CHECKING THIS GAME OUT WITH US,MAYBE ANOTHER TIME.SEE YA…………….MICKEY
Then a few hours later….

HELLO THERE

Sep. 12, 2010 – 4:32am

IM MICKEY,BORN IN CALI,MOVED TO ********** NOW **********, LETS BE FRIENDS

Then the pièce de résistance…. oh, it’s good, can you stand it? Can you wait? Wait for it… okay, hold on, you want his screen name first? naaaaa…. that wouldn’t be right, I’ll let you all suffer and just read the message.

SCREW YOU

Sep. 14, 2010 – 4:33pm

YOU MUST BE A POS,YOU AINT THAT FINE! HOPE YOU GO TO HELL! SO SORRY UR SORRY ASS CANT EVEN COMMAND THE ABILITY TO RESPOND BACK,YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY BABY,ACTIONS,ACTIONS,ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS AND THEY CERTAINLY DO IN YOUR CASE.I WOULD HAVE TO BE CURSED TO HAVE SOMTHING AS STPUID AND IDIOTIC AS YOU IN MY LIFE. YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH CLASS FOR ME.
Oh yes, yes he did! I suppose he never bothered to look to see if I was on my profile recently or not. And yes, he types in all caps. I sure am sad I can’t date him, especially since that’s clearly stated on my profile that I’m NOT looking for. Any guesses how old this moron is? No? I’m sure you think he’s 25 or so… nope… he’s 40!
That site is, well… omg, lets just say, I’m not motivated to go back for another few weeks or months… cause wow.. the messages I got, well, as amusing as this one was, there were more. I am sad for humanity that this is what we’ve sunk to.
16
Sep
10

Wow… say the word facebook


In the title of your blog and you get very popular all of a sudden. Random people tweeting me and stuff, that’s new. And my blog link is being passed around facebook as well, and I swear, I didn’t self promote since most of my friends don’t even know I have a blog! Well, they will if they get sent the link and start browsing it and see the pics of my pets… uh…. maybe I should delete those posts, or hide them for a while till my popularity goes back to a normal level? So with this new found fame, I suppose I can now find advertisers that will pay me to sit here and show off my mad photoshop skills and spout random useless shit and get rich right? That is the American way after all! Get rich, doing what everyone else is doing. I knew that Bachelors in Studio Art would pay off some day!

So on to more important things, like my sister’s current drama. It’s like a frickin soap opera, I love it, I’m hooked, I can’t wait for tomorrow’s episode. Tonight she calls me and the voice mail goes something like this “Oooooh my gaw! oh my gaw, oh my gaw, oh my gaw! You are never going to believe this! OMG! Guess who called me? You will never guess in a million years! omg, where are you? I’m freaking out! Pick up the phone!… Beeep” The beep was her calling me right back while I was listening to the voicemail. I never finished it. I did however guess who it was. Her psychotic schizophrenic Jehovah witness exboyfriend! After four and a half years at that!

Let’s explain the back story, he was weird, like now that I know things, I also think he’s homosexual in the closet crazy weird. During the one year they were together he required her to remove all pubic hair or he wouldn’t have sex with her, on top of that, he refused to touch her with his bare hands, down there, if ya know what I mean. No oral sex, nothing but straight up, plain, sex with no foreplay. WEIRD enough for me! But it gets better! He also hears the voice of god, like really hears him in his head, he tells him things, like he’s a bad person for living with her, and other strange things I’m sure I don’t want to know. Then, one day she’s at Disney World on vacation with a friend, happiest place on earth, unless you are my sister, and he calls from home. He tells her while she’s standing in the middle of the park, he’s dumping her. See, not such a happy place is it? He’s moving out right then, while she’s out of town and taking care of her 9 cats and dog. He says he’ll come by the house a few times a day to check on them, but when she gets back he will be totally gone. Which is true, except for a few things he left. First let me list what he took, 2 things; a package of frozen steaks from the freezer, and all the change from the change jar. That is it! He left a car that didn’t run, cell phone, all his clothes, shoes, books, childhood memories, EVERYTHING! Then he disappeared, nowhere to be found to give him this stuff back!

She called his parents, brother to try to find him so he could get his stuff back. I drove up there and helped her pack it all up, we shoved what we could in the little car, and told his family to get it or it was being towed to an impound lot since the title was in his name. They did send a tow truck for it and that was the end of the story. Right?

My sister is now engaged, living with him for several years, getting married next May, I’ve mentioned being the maid of honor. Tonight, four and a half years after this douchebag left, he starts calling her, not once, but 3 times so far. She’s not answering because she’s in another state on business until tomorrow. As usual, the messages are getting crazier and crazier. She told her fiance and of course he took the opportunity to fuck with her a little. Funny part of it is, if this psycho is trying to find her, and goes to the house they lived in, she’s not there! She now rents that house out, and is in the process of evicting the tenets! The hilarity that started over us imagining him showing up outside that house yelling her name in the middle of the night had us rolling. Hoping all her problems will be solved in one night with her tenants shooting him in the face with a shotgun, thus being arrested and emptying the house and killing the psycho, or at the very least, would scare them enough to move out without her having further legal charges from eviction.

This is where the story ends… for now. Tonight she will be back home with her fiance, and she will return his crazed messages and see what he wants in his presence, for moral support, and so he can threaten him if the freak gets out of hand. She did say if he’s pregnant, it’s NOT her’s, she’s not paying child support. Surely he doesn’t think she still has the few things she couldn’t fit in the car to give back to him after 4.5 years? He said it was very important he talk to her… I’m so curious, I can barely stand it.




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