Archive for the 'healing' Category


No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?

Is it that I’m punching you in the face?

For all the sadness I’ve had in the last year, I’ve now reached the point of anger. The visual I get in my head of kicking my many ex’s in the balls brings a true smile to my face. The image of punching the jerk in the face that keeps hitting on me at work despite the fact he’s married and his wife gave birth 3 days ago, makes me smile. Of course he asks “why are you smiling like that?” “who me? you mean this ‘cat that ate the canary’ look?”

No one knows, just me and you. When I get that look on my face, it’s cause in my head, I’m going Chuck Norris on someone. I’m frickin tired of all the bullshit in this world, I’m done, and I’m about to show the world how done I am. Apparently saying it to everyone means nothing, they continue to mess with me, so now I’m done with talk, now you get one warning, then I kick ass. This excludes work of course, since I can’t go around kicking men in the balls at work. But GAWD I’d love to get that little punk in a room alone backed against a wall. I’m tired of being nice, why do I have to be nice all the time? Especially to people I don’t like? Because I’m female? Because people expect women to be nice and smile at everyone walking down the street? Ha!

I will be the female equivalent to this picture. When people see this rock they will think, wonder if Chuck or Vendetta did this? What? you wanna piece of me?


Public service announcement – Anything said here can not be used against me in a court of law, this is a joke, I am not physically threatening anyone even though I am angry. If you can’t get my warped sense of humor, well, lets just say I’m smilin at cha’!

The Doctor is in

I got an email last night from a guy asking for communication with women advice. It’s not that I discourage anyone from doing so, but realize, I’m not the best person to be asking dating advice from. I am seriously fucked up in that department. My blog is such a small part of who I am, of my life, and believe me, if you knew me, it’s not the most fucked up stuff about me. I’m not sure why, after reading this blog, after reading all the darkness inside me and how I feel about love and dating and relationships, why anyone would ask me for advice.

I’m on a journey right now, it’s all about me, I’m selfish, and I realize it. Yes, I am a healer by nature, I can’t stop myself from trying to help, but emotionally, asking me for advice, is bound to lead anyone to disaster. I heal the physical, emotionally I will just draw you into my own selfish needs and suck you dry. It’s not a threat, it is a warning, only the strong survive in my world, as my friends and lovers.

Yes, what Brown said to me about being so great is true, to him, it’s how I draw them in, it’s why they always come back, but the fun me, it’s not who I am all the time, not even the majority of the time.  If I love you, as a friend or more, I will do it with everything I have, I’ll fight for you, have your back even if you are wrong. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I’m not loyal like a dog, it’s just that if you mistreat me like a dog, I will turn on you and bite. And if you are one who thinks you are worse off than me, or who thinks it’s a joke, well, fine, find out the hard way.

I have no self control, I’ll accept you, make you think I’m great and you will feel great when you are with me, talking to me, but my darkness will come out, eventually. When you try to change me, or emotionally control me, I’ll shut you down, I’ll shut you out, which will make you crazy.

By all means, ask my opinion, I’ll tell you, and if you don’t like it and try to debate my advice I’ll tell you to shut the fuck up and ask why you asked me in the first place? Lots of people like to do that. I won’t argue with people, I become aloof, I ignore people I don’t like, I escape to my happy place and shut down, it’s what you do when you are raised by a raging sociopath who gets in your face if you leave a pencil on the table on accident or take too long between changing sheet music during your two hour piano practice daily. When you have no one to protect you, you shut down, internalize, and become fucked up as an adult. This is why if you ask for my advice, I’ll give it to you, I’ll try to help you, I may even have good intentions, however my dark jaded world view gives skeptical advice, it’s selfish, and it only applies to what I would want someone to do for me. And hey, I’m fucked up, so what I want isn’t normal, it’s not what most people want, it’s not what healthy people want. So by all means, ask me, just be prepare for me to pull the football out just as you kick and laugh about it. Not that I discourage you from asking, by all means, ask away, the Doctor is in…


A new kind of friendship

He would be so much cooler if he were a dinosaur.

I reopened my cupid account over a week ago, not for dating purposes, as I’ve stated I’m broken in that department, but I opened it to make new friends. A lot of my girlfriends are not use to this deeper darker side of me, they want me t be bubbly, happy, and in love again, so they stay away when I’m unable to fake it enough. They also don’t want to do the crazy activities I want to do in order to have some sense of freedom again, fear of heights, falling, injury, and other excuses. So I embarked on making some new friends that did want to do some new exhilarating activities with me, and that understood that I am not always a happy person right now, but are okay with my silences.

Of course immediately upon reopening my account, before I could change settings, I was bombarded with IM’s and messages. But then I got one, who was like me, not looking for anything romantic, just a new friend, maybe someone who could understand him and not push him to want what he’s not ready for. He’s quite a bit younger than me, and I think for some reason that makes it better for me, to know I have no romantic interest in him. We’ve been emailing since late last week, revealing who we are, our dreams and fears, bad habits, families, friends, etc.. it’s kinda comfortable. Nice having someone to talk to that doesn’t push me to not be me, to be happy all the time, or to even talk back if I don’t feel like it. He doesn’t want to fix me like some of the other guys who messaged me, he’s not even trying to get laid, he just likes talking to me. It’s nice, for a few hours a day when we are emailing I feel some sort of comfort, an ease to my burden, just being myself.

I don’t think there is any chance of us feeling any romantic feelings for each other, so the pressure isn’t there, either to convince someone to like us, or to keep someone away because they do. I thought being friends with a male would be as easy as with a female, and I wonder, if I made friends with a new girl, and felt this closeness to her, if the same pain would show up again? It’s hard for me to feel close to anyone besides those already established in my life. I think maybe thinking my heart is gone, done for, smashed to little pieces was wrong, I think some of it was still there, because I do love my friends still, and loving them doesn’t hurt. Maybe letting a new friend in though is going to be harder than I thought, even though I know it’s exactly what I need right now. It’s not like we haven’t discussed our feelings on romantic relationships at this point, we have, each of us has our reasons for not wanting that right now, or from the other.

I haven’t had a really close guy friend since Nate, who was my best friend in high-school and college. We don’t talk now, we lost touch as we grew up, got jobs, moved around and such. He was always in love with me, and I never gave that back to him, he was always like family to me and my best friend. I did find him on myspace a few years ago, he was engaged, and although we had a few brief conversations that were comfortable like an old shoe, his fiance didn’t like the idea of us being close again, and I don’t want to mess that up for him, since it took him so long to find happiness after I left. We are still friends on myspace, but I honestly couldn’t tell you my login or password over there, and haven’t been back in well over 2 years. I wonder if he’s happy still sometimes, I miss him, I wish I could pick up the phone and call him like I use to when I had a bad day, or go pick him up and drive around talking for hours. It was always so effortless with us, I wonder if it would still be that way.

He asked me about my past last night, if being affectionate with friends would bring up too much pain. I did my best to explain without going into the details of why I am the way I am now. He doesn’t need to know, other than to know I am in pain, and don’t want it brought up, and try not to think about it. I told him the level of physical affection I’m comfortable with in my friends, and of course hugging me won’t cause me any pain, I hug all my friends on a regular basis, and touch in the way friends do.

He called me last night from a plane, on his way back from NYC, and my propensity to attract smelly Indian women that wear no deodorant to sit by me has apparently transferred to him, as one practically sat on his lap while we were on the phone, I’m glad that is now his burden not mine. See, making new friends is a good thing. Besides being able to make me smile with his awesomeness and stories of suits and corporate business men, I think he gets me and accepts all my weirdness with no expectations from me to give more than I already am.


holyhangover batman…

When I had a actual hangover yesterday, I posted “holyhangover batman” as my facebook status, my sister’s reply was “Hangovers are like men, the best way to get over one is to get under a new one, drink up bitches!” It made me laugh. Although my reply was something along the lines of reminding her of a bad hangover she had once where the only “getting under another one” was to get back under the covers after puking again and going back to sleep. I thought about the breakup hangover and realized the depth of the hangover depends on how you should react. Sometimes, you get under a new one, and it’s easy, sometimes you puke and get back under the covers for a while, hide so to speak, so that you can recover while drinking a ton of gatorade (which would be spending time with friends in the case of a man hangover). If you use hair of the dog to recover from a bad hangover, you will eventually have to face the hangover when you stop drinking… Is love like getting drunk?

Dating without getting over my broken heart was doing exactly like drinking to get over my hangover, eventually when I stopped, I felt the hangover. I had to crawl under my covers and sleep it off, then I re-hydrated by hanging out with my friends again. I think I’m still hydrating, not ready to drink from the pool of men again, but I’m starting to crave it again, like an alcoholic craves a drink even years after they have had one. I know however it won’t be a good thing for me, so I am refraining from that urge to drink. Well, not alcohol anyway, just the nectar of men, because that hangover doesn’t compare to the one I had yesterday from drinking way too much vodka.

It’s not that I’m afraid of having my heart broke again, I actually recently got over that fear, which is how I allowed it to happen in the first place. I do realize I’d rather have a broken heart than feel nothing at all, how I was for a very long time. I realize that feeling this, hangover, is in fact feeling something, and I would rather feel it than feel nothing. If I turn on the fear again, block it out, become numb again, I could just go date again, but it would mean nothing. I want to feel not only the pain of the hangover, but I want to feel drunk in love again. So, for now, I’ll continue to hydrate myself in an effort to rid myself of this hangover, so that someday I can get drunk again.


I lost my mojo, who has it?

I feel it, somewhere, deep, deep inside me, the urge to create, to let my creative juices flow again. But I can’t place where it is. What it is. A little background on my creative side, I’ve mentioned my piano, not that I can write music, or read it easily, I’m far from musically gifted. However, from a young age, I have been artistically gifted. I won awards in elementary school by the state for drawing competitions. I had passion to create, to draw, to sculpt. At 8 my clay was hidden in the attic from me as punishment for leaving it on the kitchen table and not cleaning up. My mother always retrieved it for me, which looking back probably made it worse for me when he found it again.

When she remarried later when I was in highschool, (like a year after her divorce) her new husband didn’t care about messes, I got my mojo back! It was encouraged to be a free spirit in our house, we went to the theater, and symphony on a regular basis, I was taking in so much creativity. I also free to experiment… with er… illegal things, things I shouldn’t have gotten into at such a young age. Fake ID’s, after hour clubs, bands, clubs, it was all part of my normal weekend. Plus I had access to any city in the world I wanted to go to, just open the his desk and grab a ticket and go, free. So I did. But, I still found time to create, and did so with passion.  So much so that I was encouraged to go to Art school for college. My mother wanted me to be more practical, she was smart with that, I wish I had listened.

I went to an easy art program, not prestigious by any means. At that point my grades were not so good, school was the least of my worries, I had freedom, I had expression, I had FUN! Most of all, I had my mojo. So I went to a close state school with an art program. Where I had more FUN! Until I was told I had to graduate with in a 4 year timeline… uh oh, free ride over! I buckled down, stopped partying… somewhat, but I showed up for class, that counts right? I did graduate on time, probably with the lowest GPA in the class, but I did it, I had my Bachelors! Now I’m on top of the world, I can get a job right? WRONG! What the hell am I going to do with a degree in ART? Not graphic art, not a teaching certificate, not even art history.. but painting, ceramics, sculpture… what in the world will I do now? Apparently… not much. I took a job as an assistant store manager at the mall for $8.50 an hour out of desperation. I was cut off from my family, told to grow up or move home. Well I wasn’t moving home! Hell no! So I did what the rest of my fellow graduates at the time did, I struggled.

I was so sick of school, so tired from work, I stopped creating anything. I came home, got stoned (yes, I was a pot head for many many years), and passed out. I should mention shortly after graduation, the love of my life destroyed my soul, so I was barely functioning for a good two years, living on xanax and pot just to make it through each day without my roommates committing me. I had no mojo, my soul and mojo, and spirit were gone. I didn’t even create sad art anymore. I sat and stared at the tv/wall/grass for years. It was a hard time for me, wasting away, so skinny people worried I had an eating disorder, but what I had was a broken heart. I did get over it, eventually, as much as I could, and moved on with my life. I ate again, but still, had no mojo. It felt like I left it at college, every bit of creative juice I had in me was just gone. At graduation my father gave me $2000, a lot of money at the time, and I spent $600 on this beautiful shimpo pottery wheel, which got used exactly 4 times in the 13 years since then. It sits in my closet now, with 7 year old clay caked on it in defeat.

Once I moved here, I thought I’d get it back, I was starting over, new life right? Nope… I threw myself back into career work, went back to school, web design was an easy add on to my art degree. I did that for a year, HATED it, I think it took what mojo I had coming back out of me completely. I was sure after that experience I had to do something career wise that had nothing to do with art, no more people telling me what to create then hating when I did exactly as they said. No more stifling me! I’d get a good practical job, and then, my mojo could come back to me naturally. So I dove into nursing school, should be easy, 3rd time around college, and it was, I rarely studied, had my fun, still no mojo, but I was busy, working and going to school, so I was preoccupied. Still graduated with a 3.3 gpa rarely opening a book, at least my brain still functions, I’m just missing the part I want back! I guess you can tell I don’t party anymore, not like I did, I have no use for drugs anymore, I guess I just grew out of it, maybe that would bring my mojo back though? Should I smoke a doobie, see what happens? Now there’s an idea for the weekend!

But seriously, now that I’ve graduated, again, still can’t find an effin job due to the “economy”, no there is NO shortage of nurses. If people don’t go to the hospital as much because they don’t have insurance from not having a job, and the ones that do go, don’t pay the bills, how do you expect nurses to get paid? Well we don’t, we get laid off, we can’t get hired in the first place except in situations that jeopardize our license. But… I have creative urges again! I want to play piano, I want to do something. It started a few weeks ago, I wanted to do something crazy, take a risk, and it’s escalated, to this irrepressible urge, about to burst out of my fingers in some way or another. I just have to find what IT is… So watch out mojo, I’m comin to get ya! Oh ya, it’s on like donkey kong! Tomorrow night, I’m digging out the sketch book and charcoal, see if I can come up with anything at all. I’m getting flashes of something now, as I write, I can almost see it, it’s hiding though… here mojo mojo…


Is it worth it?

I applied for a job about a month ago in the state I moved here from, at a mental hospital, I really didn’t research it, or even where it was, I just got the job listing on the state website. It’s in a TINY town, I mean really really tiny, and closest city/town close to it is an hour away and roughly the size of where I’m living now! Population where I’d be living is about 3300.

They called me last week, to see if I was really interested, I said yes of course! It’s a full time job in the area I want to work in. She said she’d pass my application to the Nurse Manager and they would let me know. Well… today they called! I really didn’t think about it much more, thinking they would probably hire someone closer. But NOPE! So today I’ve been searching for airfare rates, which all turned out horribly high! Plus trying to find a BLS (healthcare CPR) renewal class in my area since mine expires tomorrow! eeeek… but, I found one for tomorrow night. The cheapest ticket I found to this place was $340, plus I’d have to drive 3 hours to the interview, but I’d have a free place to stay with friends and get to go home. I haven’t been back since I left almost 7 years ago, so that is enticing to say the least! Good food, the city, I’m so homesick at this moment I can’t describe how I feel about going back. I want it with every fiber of my being. I just want to run around downtown screaming like a maniac and kissing the dirty sidewalks! Knowing I’m close enough to spend weekends and such with friends would mean the world to me. It’s just not quite close enough.

It’s a good job though, pay is great, free health ins. from the state, awesome benefits. It is essentially what I want to do for the rest of my life, working with the criminally insane, and get my nurse practitioners license in mental health. Downside, a smaller town than even where I am now and nothing close to give me a break. It’s also not exactly where I wanted to live the rest of my life. Ugh… I don’t want to have to move AGAIN in 2 years. I want to get to the Northwest BAD. I need NEW culture, something less southern, something, different, totally different, from what I’m use to. Small town, big city, doesn’t matter when the culture is totally different, and where I came from and where I am now, are both similar cultures.

I’m so torn about this. I want to go, I don’t want to spend the money, even if it’s a cheap buddy pass from my brother it will still cost me around $300+ by the time I’m done with eating and all that stuff. Would the decision be easier if it was somewhere I WANTED to live? I think so. I’m going to buckle down and focus on that as well, for the next few weeks. I’ll tell the state I’m working on getting a airline ticket, and put them off another week, see if I can line up prospects where I want to be. The good side of all of this is it gives me hope, it lit a fire under my ass, to get things started again, looking where I want to be, focusing on what I need to do to get there.

The weird thing, has also brought up this huge amount of emotion about going back. I mean permanently. I walked away from there feeling that there was nothing left for me there, that I was moving on to bigger and better things. Going back almost feels like defeat to me, even though I have a new career, another degree under my belt, and a new outlook on life. I know who I am now, so in a way, I fear going back will bring back who I was, which wasn’t the best place for me. I realize I’ve been in a bad place lately even here, probably the darkest place I’ve ever been, but, I’m still not who I was 7 years ago. I can’t really describe who I was, probably because I didn’t know, so going back to face that scares the living crap out of me. Then, in another sense, I feel like even if I don’t take the job, going back and facing my past might be a big, important step for me in personal growth. It could make me feel better, get me out of this funk I’m in, I can get some of the adrenaline rush things I want to do out of my system for sure! I know where to go and what to do there! I’m so torn now, I doubt I’ll sleep tonight…



World English Dictionary
virtue —  [vur-choo] noun
1. the quality or practice of moral excellence or righteousness
2. a particular moral excellence: the virtue of tolerance
3. any of the cardinal virtues (prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance) or theological virtues (faith, hope, and charity)
4. any admirable quality, feature, or trait
5. chastity, esp in women
6. archaic an effective, active, or inherent power or force

Of the things my mother didn’t teach me, Virtue would be one of them. I’d never consider her a virtuous woman by any means either. She’s been married 5 times, has 2 children with 2 different men. She left my father when I was 5 after having an affair, and my older brother catching her in the act by hiding in the closet with a baseball bat I might add!  Not only did she not practice a chaste life, it was lacking virtue in any way shape or form and she was proud of it. She talked to me as if her exploits as a single woman were normal, ok, and to be expected in this day and age. You know, being a modern woman and all, we shouldn’t deny our urges. I could go on for ages about how fucked up my family is and the lessons I learned as a young woman. But lets just say I can identify with Agustin Burroughs in Running with Scissors, even without ever being left to live with my mothers insane shrink. We had more than enough insanity in our own house. Somehow, I just knew, and thought my whole life “don’t be like this, this is not right”. I’m sure to some extent I caught some of the crazy, the lack of virtue, I’m definitely not a virgin or a saint, but I like to think I know right from wrong.  But, still, I don’t feel my virtue is intact.

Now myself being a modern woman, have formed my own opinions on these matters of right and wrong, chastity, and all the fundamentals of virtue. I’m not sure where I got my ideas from, seeing as they certainly weren’t morals handed down by my mother or father, but somehow I think I’ve figured it out finally. I’m not speaking from a Christian point of view mind you, I’m definitely not “Christian” in the sense I believe Jesus died for our sins, or even that he was in fact the son of god, or real for that matter. However non-christian, agnostic, or whatever you want to call me, I do find value in the lessons the bible teaches. Someone had to tell people not to have sex with farm animals, only have sex with your wife (prevents the spread of diseases), don’t murder, don’t steal, and not only to live this way, but to give them a reason to live this way. I’m sure the promise of heaven wasn’t enough for everyone, reason wasn’t enough, some people need the threat of punishment, the wrath of god. Who better to teach the word of god but his own son? It’s a great idea if you think about it. But, I’m not writing this to begin a philosophical debate on the existence of god or Christianity.

Something I wonder though, can you get virtue back? Or is it one of those things, like virginity, is lost forever? Is it possible for a man to see a woman who’s led a less than virtuous life in her past as pure now? For instance, a woman my age isn’t likely to be a virgin, quite frankly I’d find it a bit strange if I hadn’t made a few mistakes along the way, however, if I were to tell the next man I date that I had no intention of having sex again until I’m married, would he take that seriously? or would he still try figuring that unlike if I were still a virgin I wasn’t serious because I didn’t feel that way in my past? I’m not saying that is what I’m going to do, but I am considering it. Not as some sort of test of faith for the guy, not just because I want to be respected, but because I want HIM to want to respect me that way. Certainly the movies say it can be done, the list is a mile long of movies that show the man falling in love with the sinner, the whore, the bad girl gone good. Pretty woman, Moulin Rouge are the best examples, Gone with the Wind, Maid in Manhattan, Unfaithful, are all close enough. I know tons of guys who go for the bad girl, I mean, clearly if I use my own mother as an example, she’s had no difficulty finding a man, hell they all want to marry her! And she has NO virtue. BUT, as an insider looking at her life, and the level of happiness she has, I know I want more. I want someone who at least treats me as if all my virtue isn’t forever lost.

Growing up in a time where the above video was my role model, I can see where things went wrong for my generation and future generations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s blasphemous and I love it, but should I at 10 or 12 years old have been looking up to this woman? Singing this in the mirror and dressing like her? Or should my mother have at least had a conversation with me about what’s wrong with her and the message she is sending and not allowed my mimicry of her? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations now, I don’t know? But I think for the act of love you should be in love. And if there is any chance of regaining my virtue, I plan on trying.

As I always encourage responses, I do not wish to be preached to about what the bible says and doesn’t say, or anything about the philosophy of religion. Please keep your religious views to yourself if they intend to convert or condemn. If you choose not to, I will delete that type of comment.

This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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May 2020

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