Archive for the 'karma' Category

13
Apr
11

No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?


Is it that I’m punching you in the face?

For all the sadness I’ve had in the last year, I’ve now reached the point of anger. The visual I get in my head of kicking my many ex’s in the balls brings a true smile to my face. The image of punching the jerk in the face that keeps hitting on me at work despite the fact he’s married and his wife gave birth 3 days ago, makes me smile. Of course he asks “why are you smiling like that?” “who me? you mean this ‘cat that ate the canary’ look?”

No one knows, just me and you. When I get that look on my face, it’s cause in my head, I’m going Chuck Norris on someone. I’m frickin tired of all the bullshit in this world, I’m done, and I’m about to show the world how done I am. Apparently saying it to everyone means nothing, they continue to mess with me, so now I’m done with talk, now you get one warning, then I kick ass. This excludes work of course, since I can’t go around kicking men in the balls at work. But GAWD I’d love to get that little punk in a room alone backed against a wall. I’m tired of being nice, why do I have to be nice all the time? Especially to people I don’t like? Because I’m female? Because people expect women to be nice and smile at everyone walking down the street? Ha!

I will be the female equivalent to this picture. When people see this rock they will think, wonder if Chuck or Vendetta did this? What? you wanna piece of me?

 

Public service announcement – Anything said here can not be used against me in a court of law, this is a joke, I am not physically threatening anyone even though I am angry. If you can’t get my warped sense of humor, well, lets just say I’m smilin at cha’!
31
Jan
11

The one thing that I can’t figure out


I feel like I’ve spent my life figuring things out, how to do certain things, to be successful at each individual thing. That’s the way life is supposed to work right? First you master eating solid foods, walking, talking, reading, friends, higher learning, career, love and family… then you start to work on some of the harder stuff. The all important “why am I here?” as in, this planet, not this house, although that does come into play along the way.

But the thing is this, I’ve never gotten there. I’ve never made it past career. Maybe things don’t always go in that exact order, but that’s the thing, this is where I’ve gotten stuck. Somehow, I skipped it and started working on the whole “why am I here?” question. Probably because I didn’t want to face the one I skipped. And then, I keep looking back, feeling like the one reason I am here is for love, and yet it’s the one thing that completely eludes me, the thing that slips through my fingers and at times stomps on my heart and laughs as it walks off hand in hand with one of my friends.

Every man I meet now is so wrong for me, I just know it, instantly, most of the time before they open their mouths. I feel nothing for them but simple friendship, or in many cases revulsion (lets face it, when you get older, what’s  left are the “my mommy didn’t love me enough” issues that I’m not down with).  Yet I want to feel more for someone, like I did when I was younger, like I still do when I think about the one I lost. Not as in I feel that way now, but I remember how it was. I think sometimes it’s karmic payback for hurting someone so deeply. To spend my whole life wanting what I can’t have.

I look around, at my friends and families relationships, and I see such little real love. I see cheaters, liars, drug abuse, convenience, obligation and secrets, so many secrets. Then I go to work, and hear secrets of my patients. The mistress in the waiting room while the wife asks me how he got to the hospital. The wife who asks “who called 911 if he was unconscious?” and I have to tell her to talk to the police because I can’t face telling her the person who called 911 was a hooker who ran out the back door. She devoted her whole life to a lie and as soon as she turned her back, look what he did! I obviously can’t tell whole stories here, it’s against the law, but these are things I see at work every day. I don’t see the devoted husband who had a heart attack making love to his wife of 40 years. And so I ask myself, is it possible? If these people can’t find it, and neither can I, is it possible at all? Can anyone? Who am I, how am I so special that if so few other people can find that one in a million spark of real love with someone, that I should?

So I ask myself again, why am I here? What is my purpose? I know many will say I should pray about it, ask god. I don’t think I believe in god, I’m truly agnostic in the sense that I see no evidence of god, I never have. I use to pray when I was younger, because I thought it was what you were supposed to do, that and most kids live on that magical thinking, but not once were my prayers answered. Nothing ever changed in my life that I didn’t change myself.

I tell one of my good friends to find happiness within her self. I’m such a hypocrite. I don’t think I’ve really felt happy in a long time. Yes, I think I have peace to a degree, I’m comfortable in my routine, there is zero drama in my life. But there is no joy. So where I stand now is, I’ve met all my life goals; own house (check), new car (check), education (check, check, check), dream job (check),  except… love of my life (   )…yes, that’s an empty check box. What makes it worse I think, is that I know looking for it, trying to make it work with someone else doing the same thing, never works, I’ve been there. But I’m also so use to working towards a goal I know how to meet. All of my check boxes are tangible things with steps to reach each goal. There is no step to finding true love, it either happens or it doesn’t.  So here I sit, waiting and wondering, what’s left for my life?

22
Oct
10

Technology hates me


 

It's good to read I'm not the only one this phone hates, it has serious issues and will undergo water therapy in the lake this weekend!

Last night my phone crapped out. It’s always had issues, I mean, the fact that after every 44th text message sent you have to turn it off and back on again has always been a pain in the ass, and an issue Samsung has known about since it’s been on the market. But apparently they now also know that the touch screen dies leaving the users files lost and gone forever. There is no fix for it, you can’t recalibrate, the whole screen is off an inch! So the little dial, contacts, and messaging buttons are of no use to you since they are so low on the screen. I couldn’t get into my menu to do anything. I finally gave up and so did the att rep. Goodbye Samsung! Hello LG!

New LG Encore

So this is what I got. It’s smaller, touch screen (which takes some getting use to). ATT has decided that the data I use for my unlimited data plan currently isn’t the same data as an android or iphone uses, so I have to pay more $15 more a month and have limited data if I want to switch to one of those phones? Uh, how about no, how about I buy a jail broken one, put my sim card in it, and just use the frickin unlimited data? Jerks. Same data! Same exact data, they just don’t want to allow me to have one of those phones on unlimited data because I’ll use a hell of a lot more! So pisses me off really bad! But for now, I have this little thing, if it can last a year, I’ll get an android and just pop my sim card in it and they can kiss my ass.

 

Speaking of how much technology hates me, I’ve had to refresh this page and every web page 3 times in the last 10 minutes. I’m thinking I may want to just turn everything off for the rest of the day and open a book! Why do I seem to have “bad technology” days? Really? Is it possible to just have days where every electronic someone owns to go haywire on them? Cause it happens to me A LOT! I’m waiting for the next item to break. GPS? Car? Computer is new, it better not, oh… I know! my Router! ha! I beat that game, I have a back up router! IN YOUR FACE TECHNOLOGY! okay, maybe I shouldda whispered that, and then knocked on some wood, or er, something. That was just bad karma wasn’t it? Crap, my car is next isn’t it? Yup, it’s the weekend, so whatever breaks will be something I have to wait to fix till Monday. FML.

 


06
Oct
10

Crazy people are… well, Crazy


So I have this friend, she’s nuts, I mean really really nuts. I don’t have to explain this to some of you who know some of the stories but for those that don’t I’ll just give you one of the most interesting stories since I’ve known her in the last 5 years. And that will also ring in crazy number two to help understand the current situation. She was also the one I went zip lining with a few weekends ago. Remember the car ride straight to hell? Yup, more of her!

The Beach Story

Last May after my graduation Mr. NY was headed to the beach with all his friends from back home for his birthday for a week. He was leaving from the beach to go back to NY, and you all know how that ended… in case you forget, he never came back from NY. But anyway, he begged me to come to the beach for the weekend before he left to see me one more time. So I’m going to bring Crazy1 and Crazy2, (C1 and C2 from here on out). C1 and C2 are roommates since C1’s husband left her and she lost her job all in the same week, C2 and her made friends at her new job and C2 was being foreclosed on and needed a place to live. C1 and I have been friends a few years, yes, she’s totally nuts… but, she’s fun, and her being crazy makes for interesting times, usually. C1 is joking with Mr. NY’s friend, she thinks he’s hot, he REALLY can’t stand her. Mr. NY tells me his friend, lets call him DB, really doesn’t want C1 to come to the beach, he’s scared of her, but we joke and I say C1 has huge boobs and likes to flash them and to tell DB. So he does and DB makes a joke to C1 about playing strip poker, she says she doesn’t know how to play strip poker but she’ll play strip baseball since the yanks are playing the mets while we are there. He agrees. C2 catches wind of this text joking going on between the 4 of us and FREAKS the fuck out. She calls me hysterical saying she’s not going because she knows Mr. NY’s friends she’s never met are going to rape her or make her show her tits. uh… okay… it was a joke, mostly an inside one between me and Mr. NY because DB did NOT really want to see C1’s boobs. So C2 backs out and flips out for a few hours. C1 and I decide to go anyway, I was going with or without them, but Mr. NY didn’t want me driving alone and didn’t trust my car to make the long trip. So we get there…. dun dun dun….

DB is locked in the master bedroom, which was supposed to mine and Mr. NY’s alone and won’t come out. He won’t answer when we knock, nothing! So we go with Mr. NY’s other friend who is nice but quiet and we hang out at the beach and drink a few beers that night and kinda pass out early. I got stuck on the sofa bed with Mr. NY, NOT happy about that! C1 and Mr. NY’s quiet friend were in the other bedroom which had twin beds. The next day me and C1 go to the beach and DB has awoken and all the boys watch soccer while we are at the beach. We come back and DB is WASTED so is Mr. NY and his team has lost the match. The other friend decides to drive home early since he’s from close by. So now it’s just the 4 of us this evening. Mr. NY and I really wanted some alone time, some quiet time to talk and be a couple, nothing big but we hadn’t had any privacy except the shower since I got there. So the baseball game comes on and they decide the rules for strip baseball. Mr. NY is outside smoking and comes in and C1 has already lost her shirt and since I’m on her team DB turns to tell me I have to take off my shirt, Mr. NY says “hell no! we aren’t playin this shit with dem” and grabs me by the arm and pulls me into the bedroom with the twin beds. So we pull them together to make one bed and try to turn on the tv, which doesn’t work, so he runs and switches the tv’s from the other bedroom so we can watch something. In the mean time, they continue with strip baseball in the other room. Last time I passed thru to the kitchen they were both naked and hiding under sheets of the pulled out sofa bed… I didn’t go back in.

Sudden Mr. NY’s phone goes off, it’s a text from DB, then there is a knock on our door, he panics and tries to show me the phone and what it says but I can’t see, so he throws the phone at me and goes to open the door, it’s C1. She says DB wants to talk to Mr. NY outside on the patio, he eyes his phone for me to read the message. C1 tells me DB just told her they found out they have to pay extra for us staying there and we have to leave. Meanwhile I know DB has hidden from C1 the first night, and expressed to Mr. NY he want’s NOTHING to do with her and doesn’t like her at all. So I finally get his phone figured out and read the text which says “come outside, keep it on the DL, don’t tell ur girl”. Of course, first thing he does is tell me, he always did. So after she says all this I go outside and Mr. NY is hanging over the balcony and sighing and tells me to go back to our room and he’ll be right there. So finally he comes in and tells me it’s not true. DB did something with C1 and is trying to get away from her. In the mean time C1 is freaking out because we are 4 hours from home with no where to stay at 11 at night. I’m having to lie to her because I don’t want to further freak her out. Mr. NY and I come up with a plan to tell her he called the leasing agency and they said no, they don’t have to pay extra it was a mistake on DB’s part.

I go outside and C1 comes with me and proceeds to tell me something happened between her and DB and I’m a horrible selfish person because of putting her in this situation and leaving her alone with him. I asked if he raped her, nope she says but she won’t tell me, and Mr. NY won’t tell me and I’m being told off for going to see my boyfriend and ask for a few hours alone with him before he leaves town for 3 weeks????? Finally I get it out of her. She tells me they started fooling around and she asked if he had a condom and he said no, so she said they weren’t having sex then and he asked her to give him head then and she said no, so he said “okay, can I titty fuck you?” she laughed in his face and he jerked off on her chest instead. She let him do this mind you, she could have gotten up and gotten dressed and stopped this at any point. But she’s humiliated because after he came on her, he got up and went outside and said “I’m good” and smoked a cigarette and came up with this cockamamie story about us having to pay to get rid of her. So after I’m done being told off, since it’s my fault, I go back and tell Mr. NY what she told me, he’s hysterical and tells me what DB told him happened. DB said he was wearing a “rape whistle” and she kept trying to kiss him and he’d try to blow it and she’d stop him. So then she tries to give him a hand job and her hands were like sand paper and he asked her to just blow him, she said no, so he DID titty fuck her and get up and say “I’m good”. Well… put the two stories together and you have the truth somewhere. Me and Mr. NY laughed with our heads in the pillows for a good 20 minutes after comparing stories and figuring out what to do. In the mean time DB figured out we stole his TV and now locking himself back in his room would be much less pleasant so he proceeded to text Mr. NY stupid pictures all night and C1 went to sleep on the sofa. We got up the next morning and left quickly.She told me off in the car for 4 hours on the way home, because it was somehow my fault she had a bad time. I should have gone to a club with her like she wanted. o_O She knew the only reason I went to the beach was to see Mr. NY! Why would I ditch him for some bar? Duh…

Which brings us to the present. I didn’t talk to C1 much of the summer because of that. She treated me bad on the trip and Mr. NY and DB and the other friend said not just then, but other times they saw her around me she treated me bad and they were going to stop it if she didn’t knock it off. I agree. I don’t ride places where she is the driver far away now. But I really didn’t see much of her all summer because I was so mad at the way she talked to me and her C2 roommate freaking out and now feeling justified because C1 told her she was right. ugh… so annoying.

 

not a fan of this dog

 

I took care of C1’s dog last weekend, this annoying monster of a dog. Yappy little obnoxious shithead stupid dog. But, it’s a dog, so I try to be kind to it. C1 got back from her trip to find out C2 had moved out, with no notice, no note, nothing while she was away. Now they are fighting. C2 keeps texting C1 and can’t even face her with a phone call! Dude! Who does that? Turns out because C2 has a new boyfriend and C1 doesn’t, C2 tells C1 she’s jealous of her new boyfriend…. lmao… really? C2’s boyfriend is a loser, drunk, and weirdo. She’s totally off her rocker and can’t face anything, she’s a chicken, and totally flaky. Hence why C1 has to have me watch her dog and a neighbor watch her cat when she has a roommate that lives there. She can’t even let the dog out into the fenced backyard or feed a cat once a day. Crazy people are just so, CRAZY! I really don’t want to hear about it anymore, but C1 keeps calling and texting me asking what to do, what to say. I’m sick with a cold, I really am out of it and don’t know what to tell her. I would have been done with the chick a long ass time ago. I don’t do chick drama, period, I just don’t. I can’t stand this shit and C1 has a life full of it. When drama comes knocking at my door, I move to another continent, period, so again, why is this person coming to me for advice? I don’t do drama, my advice is to walk away from C2! Change the locks, and forget you ever knew the bitch. Ugh… I can’t type anymore, I need to take some nyquill and go to bed. I just thought you all would enjoy the amusing “beach story” as some of my friends have come to know it and retell it.

28
Sep
10

There baaaack…


Why must my single life feel like a scene from a suspenseful movie? It’s like you went to the movie knowing it’s going to be like this, you hear the music of impending doom, yet you still become startled at the moment of the kill.

They always come back, every stupid guy I date that screws up and pulls whatever crap he pulls, comes back. Like my sister, I suppose I’m cursed as well. First I’ll update on her ex-situation. The one that called her a few weeks ago that is. She called back, to find the number disconnected. A few days later he called again, this time she was at home with her fiance and he got her to call again. So he apologizes like he’s in a twelve step program for what he did to her, her fiance is on speaker phone the whole time, and realizes why the dude is calling isn’t an apology, he wants her back. Long story short, he said “holy crap, they really do all come back!” As if he didn’t believe us. I guess at this point in the story, you want to know which one of my slimy ex’s came back?

I saw it coming, when I signed back up for okcupid for the whole friends thing, he was circling my profile like a shark every few days, I guess hoping I’d see it and jump in the water for him to bite. Boy is he wrong! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Apparently Brown also doesn’t know the saying, once bitten twice shy, either. So a few nights ago, he wrote me on there, I only checked it this morning because I was up before dawn with a dog that had to pee so bad she couldn’t wait, so I was awake, and bored. I should have stuck with watching True Blood, at least those vampires only suck your blood.

You really are a very very nice and sweet women, your very pretty and your alot of fun to be around I just thought you should know that…

This is the drunken message I got, I forgot to look to see what time it was when it was sent on the 26th, but I’m betting it was the wee hours of the morning after a very bad date. I find it funny that he felt the need to tell me things I already know about myself instead of apologize. More games I suppose, not that I didn’t expect it. See unlike my sister, my guys rarely apologize, and they don’t take four years to come back, usually it’s around four to nine weeks. Out of the three men I dated more than casually this year, all three have come back now. Darn, what do I have to look forward to for the rest of the year?

Okay, back to Brown and this stupid message. I haven’t replied, not sure that I will, or what I’d say, I need time to think about it. Since I now have the upper hand again, I intend to keep it, and replying so soon after reading it and feeling my heart accelerate with anger, I could easily blurt out something without thinking and lose hand again, and I’d really like to make him suffer. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll think about it today, and as always take all comments into consideration. I know some of the best evil minds reside on this blog, so any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you don’t want to be evil in helping me plot revenge, feel free to speak up. I wonder though, do I care enough to get revenge? Maybe I’ll just get bored enough this week and do it for the sake of something interesting to do. I also noticed in this message the “alot” monster was set loose, which made me giggle and revisit her blog. Have a great day everyone!

22
Sep
10

Where do I belong?


Is this where I should be?

I feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore, I feel trapped, like somehow, if I go somewhere new, maybe I could get my appreciation for life back. I am at heart an adventurist. I remember when I was leaving home for the first time, driving 2 days with everything I owned in a truck and moving here, I felt like it was this great new adventure. I felt free, ready for something new. Now here I am, nothing is new here, I’m trapped again, worse this time. I was talked into buying a house, told I’d easily be able to sell it, and now, I’m trapped. I can’t take off on a new adventure as I want. I can’t buy a sail boat with the profits from the sale of my home, load up my 4 cats and dog and sail off into the sunset totally free from responsibility. I do, just get in my car sometimes and drive. I drive with no purpose, no place to go, and no idea where I’ll get bored and stop. But I never really get far enough for a big scenery change, not to get the sense of freedom I want it to give me, because I know I have to turn around at some point and go back home, to my pets (who I’d never desert), to my mortgage, to my job, my bills, my boring life.

I think I was born in the wrong time, maybe I should have been born in a simpler time.  People forgot to stop and enjoy the little things in life. People forgot that WE are what is important in life, above all else, the living things on this planet, are all that matter. Not our material possessions, no amount of stuff will make us happier. We spend so much time focused on so much stuff. Stuff just accumulates, it doesn’t hug you, it doesn’t love you, it doesn’t challenge your mind, exchange ideas, or make the world a better place. We accumulate tons of stuff, we eat tons of food, we want more, MORE, MORE! Of everything!

Not me, I don’t want more stuff, I want things simplified. What I want more of is steadily in decline. I want more beaches, waves, birds. I want more grass, wind, flowers. I want more rain, dew, dripping trees and fog. I want a cool morning where the crickets still think it’s night and chirp and the birds start to wake and sing and I don’t hear a single car passing, but instead hear the exchange of night for day. I want to get on a boat and watch the whales flip and flop and groan in the middle of the ocean, and dolphins jumping and playing near by, yet so far away from anyone else that we seem to be the only living things left on the planet.

I know my escapist thoughts aren’t normal, most people are content to move to the suburbs, get married, have 2.5 children, work until they are 65, and then retire and sit in a recliner in front of the tv until they die. I don’t want that, I want more and less. Less in material things, yes, I want certain entertainment items, transportation items, but I like things simple, understated, functional. More in terms of quality, more quality in the few material possessions I chose to keep, and more quality in the people I surround myself with.

Compared to most people my age  I supposed I’m not normal, sitting quietly with a book, with my ipod listening to this, while watching the ocean, is the most relaxing thing, the most ideal life I could ever want.

Where I sit now, at work, with pop radio playing, the monotonous daily tasks, all I have is my pandora radio and headphones and pictures I can find on google images to soothe me through the day. My imagination of where I’m headed next, who I’ll meet, what I’ll do and see, what it will teach me and what I can teach others occupies the corners of my mind as I click away at my mouse designing more letterhead, more business cards, more images to sell, more stuff. And at night, I’ll dream of my next adventure, soon to come, very soon.

10
Sep
10

Take that Religious fanatics!


He just looks like a douche bag doesn't he?

I’m going to burn the Quran, Bible, Torah, Tao Te Ching, and any other religious text I can find! I’m going to put them all in a pile, together, pages intermingled, douse them with lighter fluid, and torch the suckers! Why you ask? Because I can. This whole Rev. Terry Jones thing is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. Come on Terry Jones, burning a book is the best you can do? I’m so disappointed, I mean, they repeatedly terrorize what they think are “Christian” communities, bomb us, fly airplanes into our buildings, hijack our planes, attempt to spread anthrax through the postal system and all you do is burn their book? What happened to the days when Christians waged wars, killed whole cities in the name of all that is holy? Tisk tisk… Burning their book is like a 5 year old sticking out his tongue to provoke a fight so the other kid takes the blame.

kinda reminds me of the nazi's

Does burning a book, paper with text on it that has been printed a million times over really hurt anyone? Does it undermine your faith if I burn the bible or whatever text you chose to follow? No, nothing changes in your faith, nothing about you is affected what so ever. If a mosque is built in NYC, among many other mosques, does that change your faith? Does it hurt you that in a country founded on religious freedom someone has a different or lack of religion from your choosing? What if you were the minority religion, how would you feel if someone tried to tell you that you couldn’t worship in the way you choose? I’m not saying either religion is justified, I’m saying they are BOTH wrong. Both groups are acting like children, beyond logic or reason, acting on bruised egos, and desiring power.

hey, lets build a mall and go to the gap!

You want to know what IS offensive however? Putting a MALL back under the WTC site. The future Mall at the World Trade Center, currently under construction, calls for roughly 500,000 square feet of retail space, which will once again make it the largest shopping mall in Manhattan. WHY IS NO ONE PROTESTING THIS MONSTROSITY? Really? Lets go pay our respects to the thousands who died here, then we’ll go get a smoothie and a shirt at the Gap. This is the tackiest thing I have ever heard of, yet no one seems to think it’s a bad idea, or at least no one has protested it. Instead lets protest a mosque by burning a Quran in Florida… Cause that makes sense right? This country has got some serious priority issues! I swear, if I didn’t hate America’s hat so much, I’d be in Canada right now, cold or not.

Call me names, tell me off for my religious blasphemy, I really don’t care. I won’t engage you in a fight if you attempt it here with me or my email. I don’ t do internet wars and flaming contests, I simply delete and block disgusting people from ever talking to me again, then I burn their ridiculous religious text.




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