Archive for the 'life' Category


Lets open a can of worms

Yup, it’s a big one!

I’m not really so much expressing an opinion one way or another, just more or less exploring my imagination and brainstorming the what-if’s of the political state of this country.

It seems to me we have come to a time of extremes in our political views. Maybe it’s always been this way but I was too young to see it, too wrapped up in my own life to notice before. But it seems the Democrats and Republicans are both at such extreme opposites right now, we are driving our country into such a rut that we may never pull out. I know, I know, it’s all about balance right? But if we are so balanced how will anything ever get done? And one way or another, there is no way to make everyone happy.

On one hand we have those that say things like “they should help…. ” insert whatever socially oppressed group you support. Then we have those that say “not with my money! I’m not helping ‘them'”.  Quite the conundrum isn’t it? I tend to be caught in the middle. On one hand I do think some things are worth government charity and taxation, on the other I personally don’t want to pay for it! Who does?

Then I consider this document…

This is what we were founded on, and what we try to base laws on, and run our government with. On one hand, did they know best? And if they did know and somehow foresee the future then boy have we mucked things up. On the other hand, maybe this document is outdated and should be rewritten for this time in history. I think our ancestors would certainly turn over in their graves to see the state of our government right now. Then again, who cares? It’s the twenty-first century! Things are different! We have a whole different set of problems now.

So here goes the can opener. I live in the south, in case you weren’t aware… In my area conservative political views have become polluted with conservative lifestyle agendas. Where I live conservatives want to eliminate big government, but also make everyone the same religion and make everything “free” illegal. It’s hypocrisy at it’s finest. “We want all our constitutional rights back! But not for you, not the other groups that aren’t like us”. First religious freedom is out the door, if you aren’t Christian, you get nothing, you get shunned, better yet, stoned! Same sex marriage, forget it! Illegal’s… deport them all, better yet, lets enslave them! (not really, just making a point). While the opposite, the liberals, want to increase taxes, to pay for… well, I’m not exactly sure yet. Healthcare? I know the conservatives will tell you they don’t want to pay for “those people”.

Why are we letting our social and personal agendas into politics?

I realize some of this affects us personally. But as far as government is concerned, it is a business, and religion and personal beliefs do not belong there! This is about how to get our nation out of a crisis! I have a GREAT idea! Lets split the nation in two parts. One side can be strong Democrats, no, lets make it full blown socialism, tax everyone a flat 50% (those that have money to tax), and let those that want all the programs have them. On the other side, lets go for the libertarian/tea party view, lets knock out all taxes at a federal level and get back to the basics of government. We can make it like an experiment, give it a set time limit, give one year to relocate those to the side they want to be on, then 10 years to stabilize the new governments and in the end, see which side fairs better! Then, there will be no more debate, no more fighting over social views. If one nation falls before, it forfeits to the other. Neither side can help the other. Neither side can attack the other as well, this isn’t war with each other, this is a economic experiment. Lets see if putting money in the hands of officials or the people is better.

I’m sure you all want to know who I think will win… the problem is I don’t have an opinion. On one hand, do I think most of the general public is too stupid to have their money in their own hands? yes, I do. I think many many will fail and they would have large groups of homeless people who couldn’t manage their money and now have no government to give them a hand out when they squander it all. Is this necessarily a bad thing? It would certainly weed out some of the population problem we face. Survival of the fittest at it’s finest right? On the other side, would everyone be so poor the government would be forced to keep increasing the flat tax to keep up the influx of defectors from the other side that couldn’t make it on their own? The whole circular thing of “If you tax me 50% I can’t afford to eat, so I use more government services, which then requires more taxes, which then takes more food off my plate, and continues the circle” argument.

I realize there is so much more to it, but I can’t see how either side is in the right. I lean towards the politically conservative, but the socially liberal. There is no category to put me in. I want all the social groups to have rights, but having rights shouldn’t cost money, shouldn’t be government supported. Again, my imagination runs wild with all the implications of either party getting their wishes. I’d like to hear others ideas, what they see in their imagination, what the implications of a strict right or left government would be like. Feel free to comment, but not to insult or be nasty.

*disclaimer- as stated in the beginning, this is just my imagination, speculation, brainstorming, not necessarily an opinion either way. I am taught in my profession to practice with a questioning attitude, and have learned to live my life as such. These are all “what if’s?”, sarcasm included for my own amusement, not intended to offend anyone and if it does oh well.


No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?

Is it that I’m punching you in the face?

For all the sadness I’ve had in the last year, I’ve now reached the point of anger. The visual I get in my head of kicking my many ex’s in the balls brings a true smile to my face. The image of punching the jerk in the face that keeps hitting on me at work despite the fact he’s married and his wife gave birth 3 days ago, makes me smile. Of course he asks “why are you smiling like that?” “who me? you mean this ‘cat that ate the canary’ look?”

No one knows, just me and you. When I get that look on my face, it’s cause in my head, I’m going Chuck Norris on someone. I’m frickin tired of all the bullshit in this world, I’m done, and I’m about to show the world how done I am. Apparently saying it to everyone means nothing, they continue to mess with me, so now I’m done with talk, now you get one warning, then I kick ass. This excludes work of course, since I can’t go around kicking men in the balls at work. But GAWD I’d love to get that little punk in a room alone backed against a wall. I’m tired of being nice, why do I have to be nice all the time? Especially to people I don’t like? Because I’m female? Because people expect women to be nice and smile at everyone walking down the street? Ha!

I will be the female equivalent to this picture. When people see this rock they will think, wonder if Chuck or Vendetta did this? What? you wanna piece of me?


Public service announcement – Anything said here can not be used against me in a court of law, this is a joke, I am not physically threatening anyone even though I am angry. If you can’t get my warped sense of humor, well, lets just say I’m smilin at cha’!

The one thing that I can’t figure out

I feel like I’ve spent my life figuring things out, how to do certain things, to be successful at each individual thing. That’s the way life is supposed to work right? First you master eating solid foods, walking, talking, reading, friends, higher learning, career, love and family… then you start to work on some of the harder stuff. The all important “why am I here?” as in, this planet, not this house, although that does come into play along the way.

But the thing is this, I’ve never gotten there. I’ve never made it past career. Maybe things don’t always go in that exact order, but that’s the thing, this is where I’ve gotten stuck. Somehow, I skipped it and started working on the whole “why am I here?” question. Probably because I didn’t want to face the one I skipped. And then, I keep looking back, feeling like the one reason I am here is for love, and yet it’s the one thing that completely eludes me, the thing that slips through my fingers and at times stomps on my heart and laughs as it walks off hand in hand with one of my friends.

Every man I meet now is so wrong for me, I just know it, instantly, most of the time before they open their mouths. I feel nothing for them but simple friendship, or in many cases revulsion (lets face it, when you get older, what’s  left are the “my mommy didn’t love me enough” issues that I’m not down with).  Yet I want to feel more for someone, like I did when I was younger, like I still do when I think about the one I lost. Not as in I feel that way now, but I remember how it was. I think sometimes it’s karmic payback for hurting someone so deeply. To spend my whole life wanting what I can’t have.

I look around, at my friends and families relationships, and I see such little real love. I see cheaters, liars, drug abuse, convenience, obligation and secrets, so many secrets. Then I go to work, and hear secrets of my patients. The mistress in the waiting room while the wife asks me how he got to the hospital. The wife who asks “who called 911 if he was unconscious?” and I have to tell her to talk to the police because I can’t face telling her the person who called 911 was a hooker who ran out the back door. She devoted her whole life to a lie and as soon as she turned her back, look what he did! I obviously can’t tell whole stories here, it’s against the law, but these are things I see at work every day. I don’t see the devoted husband who had a heart attack making love to his wife of 40 years. And so I ask myself, is it possible? If these people can’t find it, and neither can I, is it possible at all? Can anyone? Who am I, how am I so special that if so few other people can find that one in a million spark of real love with someone, that I should?

So I ask myself again, why am I here? What is my purpose? I know many will say I should pray about it, ask god. I don’t think I believe in god, I’m truly agnostic in the sense that I see no evidence of god, I never have. I use to pray when I was younger, because I thought it was what you were supposed to do, that and most kids live on that magical thinking, but not once were my prayers answered. Nothing ever changed in my life that I didn’t change myself.

I tell one of my good friends to find happiness within her self. I’m such a hypocrite. I don’t think I’ve really felt happy in a long time. Yes, I think I have peace to a degree, I’m comfortable in my routine, there is zero drama in my life. But there is no joy. So where I stand now is, I’ve met all my life goals; own house (check), new car (check), education (check, check, check), dream job (check),  except… love of my life (   )…yes, that’s an empty check box. What makes it worse I think, is that I know looking for it, trying to make it work with someone else doing the same thing, never works, I’ve been there. But I’m also so use to working towards a goal I know how to meet. All of my check boxes are tangible things with steps to reach each goal. There is no step to finding true love, it either happens or it doesn’t.  So here I sit, waiting and wondering, what’s left for my life?


At a loss for words…

I haven’t written in a while, I didn’t even finish my Festivus tribute. Not only am I not motivated to write, I’m so busy and exhausted I haven’t made time or thought of what to say. My life poses no real social or moral dilemmas at the moment, small irritations here and there, but nothing life changing, nothing the world wants to read about, or at least I don’t know why anyone would.

I am working nights now, which I’ve had no trouble converting to, the problem lies in converting back to days once a week for a training class as part of my 6 month orientation. It kills me, I’m so exhausted getting 4 to 5 hours of sleep as it is, then trying to sleep when I’m normally awake takes it’s toll after a few weeks. Friday night I could barely trace a line from my patient to the IV pump and bag, much less learn anything new. I also monitor up to 30 patients on a telemetry monitor a couple nights a week, another part of the orientation thing. I wouldn’t mind that part once a week, but two a week is pushing my ability to sit in one place for 12 straight hours. I’ve started hearing the alarm sounds in my sleep.

Work is good, I’m learning a lot about different equipment and drugs I was never familiarized with in school. We use a lot of propofol, yup, the drug that killed MJ. Apparently we use it less now than before since families are concerned about it, not understanding the situation is different, these patients are on a ventilator, it doesn’t matter if they stop breathing on their own. The fun part of my job is knowing all these people’s deep dark secrets. Real life brokeback mountain stories, men who have a heart attack while with hookers and his wife is out of town (when the wife finally thinks to ask, “who called 911?” it’s a fun conversation), criminals, drug addicts, schizophrenics… the families have no idea what their loved ones hide, until they show up on my floor unconscious and someone has to make decisions about whether or not the live or die. Word to the wise people, if your next of kin wouldn’t like your life choices or you live a life of lies, I’d find someone else to be in charge of the decision to keep you alive or withdraw care.  Or maybe people should think about being jerks once in a while and do the right thing instead of deceiving those that love them most.

Anyway… on my social life front, well, I have none really. I haven’t been out in well over a month. I have no interest in dating still. It’s not that I don’t want someone to love, it’s really not, but it terrifies me to the core. I have major trust issues, and I can’t imagine one single man out there that would measure up. It does seem however that the men at work have discovered my singledom. The creepy guy that asked me to do porn on his website via the cupid site last year turns out to work as a travel nurse on my floor! He’s of course hitting on me not realizing I recognize him. I’m NOT saying anything to him, he’s kind of scary/creepy enough to be someone who would feel threatened and might try to kill me in the parking lot or something. I’ll just keep my mouth shut and hope his assignment is over soon. The rest I don’t mind the flirtations, none of them give me butterflies, and I have no intention of becoming involved with any of them, so let them bring me coffee and food, fine by me! Back to my not wanting to date, my rational for it anyway. I can’t seem to get that “feeling” when I meet new men in various places, the feeling I get is just like when I meet a female, friendship only. I figure when I’m ready, I’ll meet someone, I’m in no hurry, not like my schedule lends it’s self to wanting to date anyway. Maybe I need some therapy first, when I can afford it.

Speaking of affordable, I got a new car! Totally forgot about that. I got a 2011 Honda Civic. Man, I love this car. The only thing that could make it better would be leather heated seats. They didn’t have any in stock and my car was about to take a dump with the long distances I was driving every day to work, so I bought the best model they had. I probably didn’t get the best deal I could have gotten, but my salesman wasn’t really much of a salesman, he was one of the unfortunate people who was laid off and this was better than no income, and he was really nice and not slimy at all. Had he been the guy across from him, total slimball jerkface scum, I would have pushed for a much lower price and been a real pain in the ass. But he was so new, and nice, and honest, I felt bad taking away his paycheck by getting it super cheap. I did get it lower than sticker of course, but not my usual car buying experience. I also got the extended bumper to bumper warranty, with the miles I’m putting on it, I’ll need it. That being said, I was spending $400 a month on gas in my old car, this one will be about $150 at current gas prices. If I didn’t have a payment, I would be saving money… but, with the payment, I’m still only spending $100 more a month than I was. Totally worth it. That being said, my paychecks SUCK! I’m grossing $1200 more a month and only getting $600 of that! WTF? I even claimed 2 on my tax forms to get more back each paycheck and it’s barely made a difference! My taxes SUCK!

On a final note, I have realized how much I hate the long drive to work, even in a new car, after working 12 hours, no one wants to drive an hour home! I need to move. Problem is, I have to sell my townhouse. We all know how well that’s going to work out! Plus my house needs some cosmetic work I can’t afford at the moment. On top of that, even if I list my house, how can I show it with one dog, four cats, and me sleeping during the day when they want to see it? I have to move out first and get a rental while it’s listed, and I really can’t afford a rental house and my mortgage at the moment. Hell I can’t even afford to get the carpet patched where the cat shredded it while trapped in the guest room on accident. I guess I’m stuck where I am for now, until I get a decent raise.

I suppose I should get up and go face the sunlight, I have a lot to do today and have put it off long enough. I’m working on some comic like posts to add a little comedy to my blog, mostly about my crazy animal farm. Someday I’ll get at least one finished and post it. But first I have to go change the litter boxes and finish reading this great book on my NookColor.


On the 13th day of Festivus

I quit my job. I find amusement that it’s on the thirteenth day too. It felt weird to leave my job after seven long years. One of my customers gave me a gift card for twenty dollars to target, that was really nice of her, considering she’s not the easiest person to deal with and several other designers have fired her! So enough with my boring last day of work. I know you are all ready to hear tonight’s airing of grievances.

I had a great one last night, I should have typed it up, but I forgot it now. Total blank. Worse still is I’m happy for the most part, not angry at the world or any person in particular to air grievances toward. So I guess I can take tonight to tell myself off for having nothing to say. I disappoint me! I should wrestle myself! Really… I got nothing. How can I be all pissy when I just quit a job I’ve hated for seven years and am starting my dream job Monday? Too much relief tonight to complain. But be ready, tomorrow I have to go to the mall… dun dun dun… I’m sure there will be some sort of parking or crowd control grievance. More than likely it will be about sticky little children run amuck while their parents try to hide purchases for them for the holiday when they should have left them at home in the first place! I wish there were an adult only mall.. not that kind! get your mind out of the gutter! I mean, all the same stores, but you have to be 21 to enter and they serve beer and wine while you shop. that would be the best thing EVER!


On the 14th Day of Festivus…

My true love gave to me, a pounding headache and a mouth dry as a cactus! Okay… my true love is Michelob Ultra, and I had a few too many last night. My lack of energy and grueling hangover probably didn’t help with my lack of patience today. I was going to save the best airing of grievance for last, since there is soooooo much to say on the subject, but today was such a classic day at work, with my family, I even came up with joke. Ready for it?

How many of my parents does it take to unscrew and disconnect a wire of an electric hole punching machine? I’m sure you can guess…. Two. One to call the company that made it and ask how to fix it and yell at the other one while he unscrews the machine and pulls the wire. Two people take over an hour on this one task that should have taken one person ten minutes.

In the mean time, I had to lift a huge heavy object, pack it and ship it off, without either of them offering to help. I suppose had it required a screwdriver, my douche bag stepdad would have run to turn the screwdriver for me, seeing as I’m inept at doing such a difficult task being female and all, but lifting heavy objects larger than me, I don’t need help. I can do that and print a large presentation and finish a huge project I’ve been designing for two weeks. All because it takes TWO people to unscrew a machine and unhook a wire.

That is just the tip of the iceberg though. The last week of my job has been the ultimate test of wills. I could survive in a tent in Alaska for a month with Sarah Palin easier than this last week as been with my parents at my job. Taking bets on if I snap tomorrow? Shall I start a poll? I would, but my lack of blogging lately has so few people reading, I’m sure it would only get two votes.

Should I be grateful they hired me, payed me under the poverty line for 7 years so I could go back to school and once again get away from them? Should I be grateful for the monetary things I’ve been given. If I felt those things were what are important in life I would be. The fact that it’s thrown in my face they could hire someone for much less than I’m paid every day makes me resentful, not grateful. I live below the poverty line! Luckily I am thrifty, I live alone, and have no children. Although I think children would cost less than the five four legged furry ones I’ve chosen to adopt. I drive an eight year old car with the paint peeling off, windows that can’t roll down all the way, a broken passenger door handle, a cd player that plays when it wants, and increasing repairs. I can’t afford a new car. But I won’t bore you with the gajillion ways my family sucks or reasons I have to be resentful, or why I should be in therapy for the next ten years of my life to shake off the black veil they have thrown on my life.

But I should be grateful. I try to be grateful for what I have, but it isn’t the material things that matter to me, so no, I’m not grateful for being tricked and trapped into the situation I have been in for seven years. I’m grateful that tomorrow is my last day of it and I’m finally free.


what’s new with me?

I’m glad you asked! I realize I haven’t posted much lately, and it’s mostly because I haven’t much to say these days. But I do have some happy news. I have an amazing new job! I am officially an ICU nurse. I knew I got it after the interview, it was just a matter of waiting for the official offer from human resources. Which unexpectedly came as three offers! I had interviewed two weeks prior for another easier position but wasn’t sure if I got it, apparently I did, and had to choose. The ICU position was an interview for two different critical care positions, neuro and regular. I made the decision of regular for now, maybe transfer to neuro after a year or two. The pay is great, especially being a night shift, and the benefits can’t be beat. I love the hospital and staff that I’ve met thus far, so I’m sure going to work every night will be an educational experience. On the down side, back to school I go! I have to get two special certifications in the next six months. CCRN and ACLS. But it’s for the best, it’s great to have both on my resume and change my title to CCRN from RN. This is the job every recent graduate dreams of, it opens doors to my future that help me live the life I want to live. So, that is that. I start December 13th.

Other than that, nothing new is going on. Friends are friends, no new boys and I’d rather there not be at this time with so much new work related stuff going on. I’ve been reading, a lot. I’ve finished the Sookie books, the Wolves of Mercy Falls series, watched a ton of movies, worked, baked lots of bread, and hung out with friends. I suppose I should write about the bonfire night and the revelation I had. Maybe later. I have cinnamon rolls ready to go in the oven and have to get to the store to buy ingredients for the frosting! Hope you all had a hearty Thanksgiving and lots to be thankful for.

This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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