Archive for the 'love' Category

16
May
11

Trouble of mine


I really just want to scream because I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone so quickly in my life! I want to claim this man as MINE! Whats worse is I’ve never even kissed him! We just met last week and I can’t stop thinking about him! This is sooooo not good!

Reasons it’s bad? Well first is the fact I don’t want a relationship! I’m totally emotionally fucked in that department! I’ve been broken for quite a while now and have done nothing to remedy the situation except avoid dealing with it, and avoid romance. I’m terrified of being hurt, terrified of hurting someone, and I don’t think my heart could take another loss. Secondly, the guy in question lives in another state, FAR away! I met him at an event! I don’t know how to even start a relationship, much less a long distance one! But I feel like I can’t stand to be away from him for another day, much less the weeks on end it would be if I did decide to give this a try.

It’s like this… on one hand I feel like it’s too late, I have already fallen for him, there is no stopping it, it’s like a train wreck and even though I keep trying to put on the breaks, I’m headed for a huge collision. I have a falling feeling and I’m trying to dig my heels in to stop from being pulled forward on a downward slope, but it’s not working, I just end up with muddy feet. I know it’s wrong, I am not good, and he really deserves someone good, someone better than me. So I think, is it worth it to put myself out there? Is it worth the risk? or hell, is it too late? Because I feel like if I step away right now it’s already going to hurt. And I know that’s crazy! The thing is I know he’s feeling it too, and I don’t know what conflicting emotions if any he’s dealing with because it remains unspoken right now.

We didn’t kiss cause quite frankly I was FREAKING out! I’d get nervous in those times we were alone and it could have happened and make it impossible. For the most part though, we were around my family. I also wonder if they had a hand in my meeting him, if my sister wasn’t playing cupid a little? It’s odd how much we have in common, really odd. And she’s suspiciously quiet, not asking anything, not a word, about the fact he stayed in my hotel room one night cause I was too drunk to drive him home. She didn’t ask if anything happened. So I am assuming she thinks something happened and is all grinning and shit.

I have to get him out of my head somehow, someway! I’ve tried exercise, cooking, reading, music, training for work; nothing replaces the images my imagination produces every time I so much as blink! No… nothing naughty, well most of the time.

Advertisements
12
Feb
11

Ode to Valentines Day


Valentine, oh Valentine, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways….

I know I’ve mentioned my luck of the Bundy’s, but have I ever mentioned my Valentines curse? Cause I am, cursed. Not sure who’s responsible, but I’d sure like to give them a big karmic kick in the bum! Okay, maybe I’m not really “cursed”, but it sure is starting to look that way. In my life, I’ve had ONE valentine, yes you read correctly, just one. See, in the past, no matter how long I’m with someone, I always get the urge to dump the man I’m with at least a few days before the big love fest. Even in elementary school when you were supposed to put valentines in everyone’s little bag hanging on their cubbie, I managed to not get one from everyone in my class, I think I ranked lowest next to the girl that always smelled like pee and the kid who ate paste. It’s not that I was disliked so much as I just didn’t exist to most of the kids at my school.

The one Valentine’s day I actually did have someone, it was the someone who broke my heart the next year shortly after the diseased foul holiday. Oh he gave me a present for the second one, but kept acting funny and I never counted the second one with him since a few days later he cheated on me with some young hot thing that idolized him. One happy Valentine, that’s all I have had, that’s all I will get.

One time my friend dragged me to a Bruja, she was convinced it was a curse after watching me year after year go through the same thing. I admit, it was amusing, and strange. This house sat on a street like any other house in the neighborhood, so we walked in without knocking I think. The living room was empty of furniture and instead had groups of goth teenagers in circles around candles performing various things. The dining room had a group around a card table looking like they were performing a seance. Finally the Bruja came to greet us from one of the bedrooms, and asked us to come back. She read my cards like most fortune tellers and said I was cursed. My friend interpreted for me since my Spanish is well, horrible. My friend told me after we left the woman wanted six hundred dollars to lift the curse, along with a live chicken and some other unusual items. First of all, where would I get a live chicken? Secondly, uh just no. At least it was an amusing twenty five dollars spent.

At least this year, there is no one for me to dump or otherwise run screaming from. I’m glad this year I’ll be at work, surrounded mostly by married females, and hopefully not having to see too many pink hearts and fat babies wielding arrows, or people using the holiday as an excuse to show way too much pda!

31
Jan
11

The one thing that I can’t figure out


I feel like I’ve spent my life figuring things out, how to do certain things, to be successful at each individual thing. That’s the way life is supposed to work right? First you master eating solid foods, walking, talking, reading, friends, higher learning, career, love and family… then you start to work on some of the harder stuff. The all important “why am I here?” as in, this planet, not this house, although that does come into play along the way.

But the thing is this, I’ve never gotten there. I’ve never made it past career. Maybe things don’t always go in that exact order, but that’s the thing, this is where I’ve gotten stuck. Somehow, I skipped it and started working on the whole “why am I here?” question. Probably because I didn’t want to face the one I skipped. And then, I keep looking back, feeling like the one reason I am here is for love, and yet it’s the one thing that completely eludes me, the thing that slips through my fingers and at times stomps on my heart and laughs as it walks off hand in hand with one of my friends.

Every man I meet now is so wrong for me, I just know it, instantly, most of the time before they open their mouths. I feel nothing for them but simple friendship, or in many cases revulsion (lets face it, when you get older, what’s  left are the “my mommy didn’t love me enough” issues that I’m not down with).  Yet I want to feel more for someone, like I did when I was younger, like I still do when I think about the one I lost. Not as in I feel that way now, but I remember how it was. I think sometimes it’s karmic payback for hurting someone so deeply. To spend my whole life wanting what I can’t have.

I look around, at my friends and families relationships, and I see such little real love. I see cheaters, liars, drug abuse, convenience, obligation and secrets, so many secrets. Then I go to work, and hear secrets of my patients. The mistress in the waiting room while the wife asks me how he got to the hospital. The wife who asks “who called 911 if he was unconscious?” and I have to tell her to talk to the police because I can’t face telling her the person who called 911 was a hooker who ran out the back door. She devoted her whole life to a lie and as soon as she turned her back, look what he did! I obviously can’t tell whole stories here, it’s against the law, but these are things I see at work every day. I don’t see the devoted husband who had a heart attack making love to his wife of 40 years. And so I ask myself, is it possible? If these people can’t find it, and neither can I, is it possible at all? Can anyone? Who am I, how am I so special that if so few other people can find that one in a million spark of real love with someone, that I should?

So I ask myself again, why am I here? What is my purpose? I know many will say I should pray about it, ask god. I don’t think I believe in god, I’m truly agnostic in the sense that I see no evidence of god, I never have. I use to pray when I was younger, because I thought it was what you were supposed to do, that and most kids live on that magical thinking, but not once were my prayers answered. Nothing ever changed in my life that I didn’t change myself.

I tell one of my good friends to find happiness within her self. I’m such a hypocrite. I don’t think I’ve really felt happy in a long time. Yes, I think I have peace to a degree, I’m comfortable in my routine, there is zero drama in my life. But there is no joy. So where I stand now is, I’ve met all my life goals; own house (check), new car (check), education (check, check, check), dream job (check),  except… love of my life (   )…yes, that’s an empty check box. What makes it worse I think, is that I know looking for it, trying to make it work with someone else doing the same thing, never works, I’ve been there. But I’m also so use to working towards a goal I know how to meet. All of my check boxes are tangible things with steps to reach each goal. There is no step to finding true love, it either happens or it doesn’t.  So here I sit, waiting and wondering, what’s left for my life?

08
Nov
10

Sorry I’ve not been writing


I really have no new rant to go on that I haven’t been on a thousand times before. I have no new dates, I’m sitting on the bench and intend to stay there until… well I’m not sure, but I’m happy on the bench visiting the concession stand to get beer and hotdogs. Okay, skip the hotdogs, can’t have two servings of empty calories can we? Gotta pick my poison. But, nothing new is happening in my social life, absolutely nothing.

On the career front I have a job interview tomorrow for a job that I’d really like, but fear may be too much of a challenge for me and quite frankly, it holds a lot of responsibility. As in lives are literally in my hands, and as a new nurse, that’s quite frightening. I figured I’d get a general nursing job, people are sick, but not hooked up to a million tubes and on ventilators. But that is just what this job is for, and that makes me a tad nervous. No, I wouldn’t be alone for six whole months, I’d work side by side with someone that I hopefully liked and that wanted to train me. But it still makes me very nervous to have such fragile lives in my hands despite my education and the months of training I’ve had and will have. Will I know what to do when someone calls a code? I know it will happen, it will happen a lot. How will I react? Will I panic or fly into action with all my training? How will I handle it when someone doesn’t make it? I’m not sure what scares me more, the fact that this country is so litigious or the feeling I could have done more, despite doing everything I could. I’ve always been really bad about being wracked with guilt over what I could have done in various situations.

I’ve been reading a lot lately, since I have no social life to speak of. It’s getting cold here, so most of my usual outdoor activities are being put off. CO is sick, and when he’s not, he is so busy with his social life, we rarely get together to do anything. Crazy #1 is still around, and we hang out some, but she’s content to stay home alone on a Saturday night as much as I am. So I read. I’ve read The Hunger Games Series, really good and dark for a young adult categorized book! I expected more Twilight like reading, safe and happy, but this was dark and disturbing! I like it! I’m also almost done with the Southern Vampire Series, you know the Sookie books that True Blood is loosely based on. I’m glad there are more to come, but I don’t like waiting a year between books! I’ve ordered a few other books, should have them this week. One I read 17 years ago and remember liking it a lot, but can’t find it so I’m sure someone borrowed it and didn’t give it back. Skank.

So that’s about it for me. I’m hopped up on diet pills tonight, I haven’t had a full dose in a month, and after the drs visit today I was given a prescription again. I sure hope I can sleep tonight. If not, I’ll bug CO, he’ll appreciate that being sick and sleepy and all.

11
Oct
10

It’s always been him


Did you ever have someone that touched you in a way that no one else ever has? That is “The artist” for me. He was my high-school sweetheart I guess you could say. We met when I was 15, he was 14… but of course he lied and said he was 15, at that age, guys never want to be younger than the girl they like. We instantly knew each other, it was always comfortable. I don’t remember a lot of details because I did a lot of “experimentation” back then, my memory is foggy. I do remember making out with him in my bedroom, in the game room, and all over my house. I never had sex with him though, it wasn’t that I was a virgin (long story, I won’t ever go into), but I wasn’t ready, I loved him, too much, so much that I couldn’t handle what I felt at such a young age. I was selfish, as I still am, I wanted him for myself, but didn’t want to have him in that way.

 

We didn't go, but we couldda looked all cute like this, love the 90's...

The artist was my best friend in the world, we talked on the phone daily for hours. No matter how bad my day was, no matter how much I cried, he made me smile, he made me forget it all, and no matter what, he understood and took my side. There was  a girl that was my friend once, she use to take me to see him on her moped on the service road along a major busy highway against traffic. One day we got into a fight over who was wearing the only helmet on the way back, I threw the helmet at her, I wasn’t wearing the stupid thing, and it all went to hell from there where she was concerned. It turned out she wanted the artist when we had met him, but I claimed him as “mine” and he only had eyes for me. She later turned into my high-school bully… I know, shocking that I had a bully considering who I am today. She asked him to homecoming shortly after that, we didn’t even go to the same school, he of course told me and told her no. On new years eve we couldn’t be together, something about him being grounded I think, and I had met a guy from another school, and cheated on him. Hold up… I didn’t sleep with the guy! I just made out with him for like an hour, he was a very cool guy! But needless to say, I felt horrible the next day, I told the artist what I had done. He was furious with me, he said he’d cheat on me three times to teach me a lesson. I don’t know that he did, as we grew up, he said he was just bluffing, but I don’t know if that was to spare my feelings or not.

I broke up with him shortly after that, it wasn’t the whole “cheating” thing, I just thought I didn’t love him anymore, I needed to be a teenager and date lots of boys. He was the first guy to ever send me roses. I remember it clearly, I came home from school and there were roses on the stairs on the landing of the house. My step dad had accepted them on my behalf, and said “you got roses today”. I was humiliated, not sure what other word describes how horrible I felt inside for hurting this guy who was begging for me to love him back, and I didn’t. I didn’t talk to him for a few months despite his calls. I was so torn inside, my family was fucked up, my mom screwed me up in that department.

We did eventually start talking again, and become friends, good friends. We talked daily I’m sure, he could make me laugh like no one I’ve ever met since. He would ask me to be back together with him sometimes, but I would resist, not sure. We started loosing touch when I went off to college and he didn’t. He had dropped out of high-school, or was kicked out for fighting, with teachers and anyone who challenged him. He had family issues too. I took him to get something up at school after my first semester… I was trying to be someone I was not at that time, it wasn’t pretty, and he was also not sure who he was, and it felt like we lost our connection. We didn’t talk after that.

I went on with my life, lost touch with him, but thought about him a lot, wondered where he was, how he was, if he had ever gotten over me. We had been so close for five very crucial years of my life and of his, he was a big part of me becoming me. He was gone and I didn’t know how to find him. Well, thanks to the powers of social networking, the interwebz, I found him 3 years ago on myspace, which shortly after I abandoned since it was riddled with teenagers and drama. But during that time, he told me he was engaged, to be married in a few months and couldn’t resume our friendship the way it had been as to not upset his new bride to be. It hurt, I’ll admit it, I hoped I could be close to him again, I love him, I will always love him, maybe not in that romantic way, but in a deeper way that I’ve never felt for anyone since. Maybe it could be romantic now that I’m more mature, but it will never be. I accepted it, I’m actually really happy for him that he’s happy, that he got over me and how I hurt him, I know I did.

It still hurts, it’s totally selfish since I know I’m “the one that got away” for him, and I want him to want me, and I want to want him, and I want to be close to him again. I can’t, I can’t risk messing up his happiness, because I’m so screwed up myself, what if I screwed up his marriage and then didn’t want him? I can’t do that. But what brings this up is I found him on facebook tonight, he accepted my friend request in a matter of seconds. I can’t describe how it made my heart sink so fast, the pain I felt knowing how fast he did that, and wondering how his marriage is. The temptation to screw that up for him, to butt into his life for my own selfish wants is horrible. I’m a bad person for wanting him this way. I miss him, something terrible, I want to hear his voice. He had video’s posted one where he’s playing with someone’s baby, not his, and he’s talking and I started crying, I miss that voice.

He’s a pretty successful artist now, amazingly talented, he’s happy. Reading his page, then his website, it was like reading my own heart and mind, it’s amazing how we still think on the same wavelength, still want the same things in life. I had it all at 15 and threw it all away. I’m not sure where we stand as friends, I’m hoping his wife is more secure now in their relationship and can stand some form of communication between us. Even if nothing can ever be more than a distant friendship, I’m okay with that and will never of course tell him how I feel for him still, twenty years later. It’s been a few days since he added me and I wrote most of this, and we haven’t really talked, at all. I said hi to him on his wall, and got a one word reply, I’m guessing she is still not happy about us being friends. That really sucks.

05
Oct
10

Bend over and take it


My mom’s husband bought a new car last night, he paid sticker price, didn’t haggle, he just bent over and took it. At first he was going to pay $8,000 more when my mom didn’t get involved and at least draw the line at her getting taken in the ass too. I volunteered to go to the dealership alone and get at least 6,000 knocked off the price, to make them cry and bring them to their knees. I take great pleasure at making car salesmen cry and suffer. The last car I bought I got for a ridiculous price and the salespersons hand shook as the paper with the words “you win” were handed to me.  Needless to say, I wasn’t taken up on my offer to get the car they wanted for cheap, her husbands pride wouldn’t allow it. I mean, he thinks he’s the man, walking in, using a bunch of good ole’ boy cliches, shaking hands, laughing like he’s so cool and rich… ha! I think he likes it up the ass. I mean, he takes it enough, every time he buys something. Hell, the guy lets his dog hump him, if that doesn’t tell you what a spineless prick he is, well, not much else does. It’s not a little yappy dog either, it’s a golden frickin retriever!

I think dating is a lot like buying a used car. You think you are getting a shiny new perfect vehicle that has only been driven by one owner when you get this guy. You are lied to, manipulated, truth is bent, twisted and mangled beyond recognition. Especially online, it’s horrible, everyone’s profile reads like a used car ad, a sales pitch, and desperation. Why should I buy from this site or that site is like deciding which car dealer is going to give it to me up the ass for the next 3-5 years of payments.  No thanks!

I feel the same way about men who want to date me, sleep with me, or otherwise sell themselves to me when they know they are nothing but a lemon. What did I just say I did to the used car salesman? Oh ya, bring him to his knees, make him cry, beg for mercy, cower and suffer. So feeling the same about used car salesmen as I do men who want to date me you would think some would get a clue? Na, they never do, they don’t believe me either, they still think for some strange reason they have the upper hand.What pisses me off about this is that I’m extremely sensitive to how people are feeling, about me, and those around them, about their motives. It’s not like I can read minds, but I can read feelings, vibrations I guess you could say. Just because I don’t say anything, doesn’t mean I didn’t pick up on it. I’m pretty good at ignoring most people until I want to say something.

What can I say, I have a lot in common with Queen Sophie-Anne

Worse than the men that want to stick it in my pooper are the ones that think they can love me and change me. Because really, the desperation they are selling is soooo much more appealing? Instead this type I like to toy with, like a game of cat and mouse, like a vampire after her prey. “oooh please Vendetta, I know if I just love you enough, you will love me too, I know I can fix you”. Sure you can, why don’t you come over here and show me, demonstrate for me, don’t be scared, I won’t bite…. much.  I suppose I think too highly of myself or maybe it’s not high enough? I don’t think any man I’ve ever met has been worthy of me looking back. Who would say just the right thing at just the right moment to really get to me at this point? It’s been done to the point that there is nothing left to get, it’s my turn to take, and well, I would rather not take, I’d rather crush, destroy, and ruin. So yes, I think it would be a good time to send me out to buy a new car if you need one.

29
Sep
10

The Doctor is in


I got an email last night from a guy asking for communication with women advice. It’s not that I discourage anyone from doing so, but realize, I’m not the best person to be asking dating advice from. I am seriously fucked up in that department. My blog is such a small part of who I am, of my life, and believe me, if you knew me, it’s not the most fucked up stuff about me. I’m not sure why, after reading this blog, after reading all the darkness inside me and how I feel about love and dating and relationships, why anyone would ask me for advice.

I’m on a journey right now, it’s all about me, I’m selfish, and I realize it. Yes, I am a healer by nature, I can’t stop myself from trying to help, but emotionally, asking me for advice, is bound to lead anyone to disaster. I heal the physical, emotionally I will just draw you into my own selfish needs and suck you dry. It’s not a threat, it is a warning, only the strong survive in my world, as my friends and lovers.

Yes, what Brown said to me about being so great is true, to him, it’s how I draw them in, it’s why they always come back, but the fun me, it’s not who I am all the time, not even the majority of the time.  If I love you, as a friend or more, I will do it with everything I have, I’ll fight for you, have your back even if you are wrong. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I’m not loyal like a dog, it’s just that if you mistreat me like a dog, I will turn on you and bite. And if you are one who thinks you are worse off than me, or who thinks it’s a joke, well, fine, find out the hard way.

I have no self control, I’ll accept you, make you think I’m great and you will feel great when you are with me, talking to me, but my darkness will come out, eventually. When you try to change me, or emotionally control me, I’ll shut you down, I’ll shut you out, which will make you crazy.

By all means, ask my opinion, I’ll tell you, and if you don’t like it and try to debate my advice I’ll tell you to shut the fuck up and ask why you asked me in the first place? Lots of people like to do that. I won’t argue with people, I become aloof, I ignore people I don’t like, I escape to my happy place and shut down, it’s what you do when you are raised by a raging sociopath who gets in your face if you leave a pencil on the table on accident or take too long between changing sheet music during your two hour piano practice daily. When you have no one to protect you, you shut down, internalize, and become fucked up as an adult. This is why if you ask for my advice, I’ll give it to you, I’ll try to help you, I may even have good intentions, however my dark jaded world view gives skeptical advice, it’s selfish, and it only applies to what I would want someone to do for me. And hey, I’m fucked up, so what I want isn’t normal, it’s not what most people want, it’s not what healthy people want. So by all means, ask me, just be prepare for me to pull the football out just as you kick and laugh about it. Not that I discourage you from asking, by all means, ask away, the Doctor is in…




This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 18 other followers

Calendar

October 2017
S M T W T F S
« Jul    
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031