Archive for the 'moron' Category

17
Jul
11

The Unintelligent turnpike


So the guy I met while out of town a few months ago… took the unintelligent turnpike. I really can’t say if this quirk of his was something I just didn’t notice at first or if it increased as he became more comfortable talking to me. Needless to say I counted in one minute he said the word “fuckin” 14 times!!!! It was almost every other word, sometimes it was. Now he’s not a complete moron, but this speech pattern sure made him look like one and I just couldn’t handle it. Ex. I was walkin down the fuckin street and there was this fuckin dog, and it was fuckin huge, and it started barking at me and I was like fuckin A! So I fuckin ran, and it fuckin chased me, and I had to climb a fuckin fence and the thing was trying to eat the fuckin fence. See how annoying that is, and when he did it, somehow he said it more! I don’t know how, but he did, I’m not very good at incorporating that word in that much.

He really was a nice guy, but the thing about him and relationships, well, he’s just like me. He’s so like me in other ways, it was too much of my awesomeness for even me to handle. While I’m somewhat ashamed of my drug abuse in my past as a teen and stopped a long time ago, he revels in it. Talks about it nonstop. I think if he didn’t end up with a health condition that nearly killed him, he would still be taking mushrooms and acid on a weekly basis. And speaking of health conditions, ugh, he knows he has to eat low sodium, states he can’t eat this and that, then when I talk to him, he’s eating those things! As a nurse, I can’t handle that kind of unintelligent behavior.

The good news is, I didn’t even have to have the “lets just be friends” conversation. One day he was calling me, the next, I never heard from him again. So I’m sure he got the hint that I was annoyed with him, either that or my lovely sister told him I was annoyed. He’s going to visit my sister and BIL next week, and I know if said speech pattern emerges it will be all she can do to not run from the room laughing. I know I would. Sis is also looking at moving to where he lives, crap, that means all visits to her will be awkwardness……

 

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13
Apr
11

No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?


Is it that I’m punching you in the face?

For all the sadness I’ve had in the last year, I’ve now reached the point of anger. The visual I get in my head of kicking my many ex’s in the balls brings a true smile to my face. The image of punching the jerk in the face that keeps hitting on me at work despite the fact he’s married and his wife gave birth 3 days ago, makes me smile. Of course he asks “why are you smiling like that?” “who me? you mean this ‘cat that ate the canary’ look?”

No one knows, just me and you. When I get that look on my face, it’s cause in my head, I’m going Chuck Norris on someone. I’m frickin tired of all the bullshit in this world, I’m done, and I’m about to show the world how done I am. Apparently saying it to everyone means nothing, they continue to mess with me, so now I’m done with talk, now you get one warning, then I kick ass. This excludes work of course, since I can’t go around kicking men in the balls at work. But GAWD I’d love to get that little punk in a room alone backed against a wall. I’m tired of being nice, why do I have to be nice all the time? Especially to people I don’t like? Because I’m female? Because people expect women to be nice and smile at everyone walking down the street? Ha!

I will be the female equivalent to this picture. When people see this rock they will think, wonder if Chuck or Vendetta did this? What? you wanna piece of me?

 

Public service announcement – Anything said here can not be used against me in a court of law, this is a joke, I am not physically threatening anyone even though I am angry. If you can’t get my warped sense of humor, well, lets just say I’m smilin at cha’!
28
Sep
10

There baaaack…


Why must my single life feel like a scene from a suspenseful movie? It’s like you went to the movie knowing it’s going to be like this, you hear the music of impending doom, yet you still become startled at the moment of the kill.

They always come back, every stupid guy I date that screws up and pulls whatever crap he pulls, comes back. Like my sister, I suppose I’m cursed as well. First I’ll update on her ex-situation. The one that called her a few weeks ago that is. She called back, to find the number disconnected. A few days later he called again, this time she was at home with her fiance and he got her to call again. So he apologizes like he’s in a twelve step program for what he did to her, her fiance is on speaker phone the whole time, and realizes why the dude is calling isn’t an apology, he wants her back. Long story short, he said “holy crap, they really do all come back!” As if he didn’t believe us. I guess at this point in the story, you want to know which one of my slimy ex’s came back?

I saw it coming, when I signed back up for okcupid for the whole friends thing, he was circling my profile like a shark every few days, I guess hoping I’d see it and jump in the water for him to bite. Boy is he wrong! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Apparently Brown also doesn’t know the saying, once bitten twice shy, either. So a few nights ago, he wrote me on there, I only checked it this morning because I was up before dawn with a dog that had to pee so bad she couldn’t wait, so I was awake, and bored. I should have stuck with watching True Blood, at least those vampires only suck your blood.

You really are a very very nice and sweet women, your very pretty and your alot of fun to be around I just thought you should know that…

This is the drunken message I got, I forgot to look to see what time it was when it was sent on the 26th, but I’m betting it was the wee hours of the morning after a very bad date. I find it funny that he felt the need to tell me things I already know about myself instead of apologize. More games I suppose, not that I didn’t expect it. See unlike my sister, my guys rarely apologize, and they don’t take four years to come back, usually it’s around four to nine weeks. Out of the three men I dated more than casually this year, all three have come back now. Darn, what do I have to look forward to for the rest of the year?

Okay, back to Brown and this stupid message. I haven’t replied, not sure that I will, or what I’d say, I need time to think about it. Since I now have the upper hand again, I intend to keep it, and replying so soon after reading it and feeling my heart accelerate with anger, I could easily blurt out something without thinking and lose hand again, and I’d really like to make him suffer. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll think about it today, and as always take all comments into consideration. I know some of the best evil minds reside on this blog, so any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you don’t want to be evil in helping me plot revenge, feel free to speak up. I wonder though, do I care enough to get revenge? Maybe I’ll just get bored enough this week and do it for the sake of something interesting to do. I also noticed in this message the “alot” monster was set loose, which made me giggle and revisit her blog. Have a great day everyone!

22
Sep
10

“Let me show you something”


I feel the need to have a “Fire Marshall Bill” moment today. Do you ever feel like you would need to be a total maniac to get people to pay attention to the common sense you are speaking to them? The simple things in life that anyone with common sense would know. Things like right and wrong. Today a woman sent me something to print, 3 pages 8.5×11, standard size sheets of paper. In the email she then tells me to size the stickers 29x4x5…. wait what? No really… what? As I try to explain I’m printing on something two dimensional, therefor it has two dimensions for size of paper, she replies with she’s sorry, she just wants them 4″. Um….. “LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING”! TWO, that is 1+1, it doesn’t equal three, it doesn’t equal one, it equals TWO, TWO dimensions are needed. Oh no, she didn’t mean 4″ squared, these are rectangular, all but one. The only square one, she has said she wanted 3″x18″x1.5″ ???? It’s SQUARE!

“Let me show you something” I say in a calm voice at first, when explaining the seemingly simple to a complete moron. I’m not just speaking of work now. This seems to apply in every aspect of my life. Be it friends, family (especially family), neighbors, men who want to date me, the mail man, my insurance company, the state treasurer, or just the lawn boy. I try to calmly explain things that should have been learned in 2nd grade and are common sense, at least to anyone with any clue what year it is. When they cock their head to one side and say “okay, I get it ____” and then spurt out the exact opposite of what I have just explained so a 5 year old could understand I say again “LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING!” I may even begin to twitch, shake, and look a little crazy, because frankly, I am a little frustrated with why I’m expected to fill in the blanks of a form for someone who somehow managed to drive themselves to where ever I am. This person somehow passed a drivers test in a state that requires you to know what a sign is for, with no words or symbols on it, just by the shape and color of the sign background… Even I have trouble with this task since when do signs have no words or symbols? Why would they? And why would I need to know this? I figure this part of the test was designed by someone that I need to show something to. Amiright?

I now fully believe 90% of the population of this planet shouldn’t be allowed to operate motor vehicles. I also believe that 90% of the men with online dating profiles are bigger morons that I ever could have believed. I realize Okcupid was once a “dating” site, however it now has options to just make friends, and rather than delete my profile when I’m no longer looking for anything but friends, I change what I want on there. Frankly I have come to find that most of the men are of the opinion that if a woman is on there “looking” she must be somewhat desperate, and therefor will accept less than courteous behavior on their part. Esme blogged about requests for nude pictures from men, a common request, I blogged about the “SCREW YOU” message, also common. I think Fire Marshall Bill should give each and every one of them a nitro enema and “show you something”. Seriously, of all the women I know on these sites, wonderful, intelligent, deserving, beautiful, there seems to be no equivalent for them in a man.

20
Sep
10

pièce de résistance


He lives here maybe?

I haven’t been back on my okcupid account in a few weeks, cause frankly, I just don’t care that much. I only have it to make new friends when I feel like it, and well… I just really don’t care to check it that often. So what do I see when I open my messages tonight? Something totally blogworth! Oh ya baby! It’s a beauty of 3 messages! Lest start with drunken message number one!

DRIVING TO ATLANTA THOUGHT WE WOULD MESSAGE YOU

Sep. 12, 2010 – 1:16pm

HI GOODMORNING! JUST SEEING IF YOU WERE ON! ME AND CRIS, A BUDDY OF MINE WERE DRIVING TO ATLANTA!HE THINKS YOU LOOK LIKE MY X,BUT I DONT THINK SO I TOLD HIM,ANYWAY ENJOY THE FIRST DAY OF N.F.L. KICKOFF-GO FALCONS,ACTUALLY I LIKE TOM BRADY AND THE PATRIOTS BEST, BUT HEY! IAM NOT TURNING DOWN A FREE TICKET,WELL ENJOY YOUR DAY ,LOL AND I HOPE THIS IS THE BEGINING OF A GREAT SOMTHING! TIME TELLS IT ALL DOESNT IT? ITS GOING TO BE LOVELY IN ATLANTA TODAY SO I HOPE SOME OF IT RUBBS OFF ON TO YOU. YOUR DOGS CUTE ,I LOVE DOGS,IN SAN FRAN I WAS RAISED WITH CATS AND DOGS, OF COURSE THERE GONE NOW BUT I STILL THINK OF THEM FROM TIME TO TIME AND THE MEMORIES THEY INSTILLED IN ME.BY4NOW! WISH YOU WERE HERE CHECKING THIS GAME OUT WITH US,MAYBE ANOTHER TIME.SEE YA…………….MICKEY
Then a few hours later….

HELLO THERE

Sep. 12, 2010 – 4:32am

IM MICKEY,BORN IN CALI,MOVED TO ********** NOW **********, LETS BE FRIENDS

Then the pièce de résistance…. oh, it’s good, can you stand it? Can you wait? Wait for it… okay, hold on, you want his screen name first? naaaaa…. that wouldn’t be right, I’ll let you all suffer and just read the message.

SCREW YOU

Sep. 14, 2010 – 4:33pm

YOU MUST BE A POS,YOU AINT THAT FINE! HOPE YOU GO TO HELL! SO SORRY UR SORRY ASS CANT EVEN COMMAND THE ABILITY TO RESPOND BACK,YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY BABY,ACTIONS,ACTIONS,ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS AND THEY CERTAINLY DO IN YOUR CASE.I WOULD HAVE TO BE CURSED TO HAVE SOMTHING AS STPUID AND IDIOTIC AS YOU IN MY LIFE. YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH CLASS FOR ME.
Oh yes, yes he did! I suppose he never bothered to look to see if I was on my profile recently or not. And yes, he types in all caps. I sure am sad I can’t date him, especially since that’s clearly stated on my profile that I’m NOT looking for. Any guesses how old this moron is? No? I’m sure you think he’s 25 or so… nope… he’s 40!
That site is, well… omg, lets just say, I’m not motivated to go back for another few weeks or months… cause wow.. the messages I got, well, as amusing as this one was, there were more. I am sad for humanity that this is what we’ve sunk to.
20
Sep
10

New adventure? or just hell on wheels?


Over the weekend I went zip lining for the first time, I was very excited to try this as it looked like a great adventure and quite exhilarating. Um, my “friend”, lets call her “Facepalm” (this is what you want to do when you are around her), is a nut job and a half! She was so worked up over the zip lining thing she had to take 2 ativan and still almost puked, yet it was HER idea. She talked the whole way there and the whole way back. First about this guy we met when we were out like 6 months ago, and has reconnected with. Anyway, ya, so this guy is very nice, and she doesn’t know why but she’s totally “eh” with him, not that into him, because she’s obsessed with some guy from back in highschool in her home town, that wants little to do with her, except to keep her wanting him basically. So I heard all about that. Then one of the other friends is getting divorced now, and has been raised in a traditional Pakastani house her whole life and is now in the US, on her own, and single, plus drop dead gorgeous, so we hear all about her dating crap. Thankfully the other chick, is a lesbian in a long term relationship and is probably the most sane one of the group, at least she’s not guy crazy, and mostly talks about her dog. She insists we go to McD’s on the way to the place because she’s hungry and no one planned ahead to eat anything healthy. So in the drive thru she YELLS over me at the cashier at the first window “THANK YOU!!!”, then turns to me and proceeds to chew me out because “you never say thank you to the drive through people, would it kill you to thank them?” Okay, hold up, first of all, I am extremely polite, I don’t YELL anything to anyone, over anyone, I say thank you when it’s appropriate, but when someone says “thank you” to me, as they should since I’m the customer paying them, I don’t say “thank you” back, I say “you’re welcome”, one of those etiquette things I was raised with, screw me, I know manners. She then says “the next window is your last chance to be polite” and as usual, as the young girl at the window handed me the heaping pile of grease in a bag, I said “thank you” in a normal voice, then she handed me my corrected drink (they got it wrong the first time) I said “thanks”, in a normal tone. Facepalm turns to me and screeches “I can’t believe you! Why can’t you say thank you?” To which I answered in a low and very serious tone “I do say thank you, when it’s appropriate, and I say ‘you’re welcome’ as well, but I don’t YELL it over people so the entire restaurant hears me, I say things in a normal tone of voice that is between me and the person I’m speaking to”. I wanted to turn around and go home right then, cancel the whole thing and ruin everyone’s fun then point the finger at her psycho abusive behavior! I think I’m understanding why Mr. NY said that if she talked to me that way in front of him or his friends again, someone besides me was putting a stop to it. She is abusive to friends and then demands the utmost respect. Facepalm kept asking why I was so quiet… uh… between all 3 of them being lawyers and talking job stuff, and then the guy stuff, I really had nothing to contribute. Plus I was already annoyed with Facepalm whining cause some guy at her new job doesn’t like her openly. Honestly, if I worked with her, I’d be screaming “SHUT UP!” in my head all day long! Just 5 minutes of silence wouldn’t kill her, seriously.

Finally we get to the place right on time and everyone was waiting on us and ready to go early. We gear up, sign the waivers, and head out back. I’m expecting some video or something… NOPE! Straight to the course! SWEET! But… there are like 15 other people besides us! Who wants to go first they ask… some little kids jumped up first, so I was like Okay, I’m next, lets do this shit! First line is a short easy one to teach you how to break and all that. It was fun and fast though. Yay! So then I wait the 20 minutes it takes for the rest of them to get to the first platform… waiting… not my thing. Finally we get a “no stop” line that is longer and faster! No stop means, you don’t put your hand on the line to break at all, you just kinda slow down a little on the upside of the line and the guy catches you or the tree has padding strapped to it and tuck your feet because you will hit the platform edge, which isn’t padded except for one, which still really hurts btw! So like 10 of these lines later, we’re finally at the end, each platform between the trees was a 15-20 minute wait on one end of the other… not cool. Won’t go somewhere that does this big of groups again. But it was cool, I want to try some more advanced courses in some other places some time. Or try one at night, that would be awesome. I would also love to do it when it’s cool outside, to feel the cold air on my cheeks, biting making them rosy would feel so good to me.

The double line is the last one landing next to that building

So on the way home Facepalm was amusing herself and decided that she wants to be like little bunny foo foo hopping thru the forest, except she wants to “bop” men on the head with a frying pan that magically makes them fall in love with her. She wants to sell this idea on QVC. Then the topic takes a turn in the worst possible direction I can imagine… masturbation and sex toys. I’m sorry, this is not something I really care to discuss with my friends, it’s just weird, and personal, and idk… weird! Facepalm goes on and on about how she’s broken her toy and needs a new one, and she’s broken 3 toys in the last year. I’m kinda of getting repulsed by the images in my head cause well, I’m not gay, and even if I was, she wouldn’t do it for me at all. She even starts trying to find out the adam and eve stores hours and try to convince me to take her there on the way home! Uh… no thanks, shopping for vibrators with my friends does not equal a good time for me, nor does this discussion, lets change the subject, buy your shit online so it comes in a discrete brown box and I don’t have to have visuals in my mind for the rest of my life. But noooooo… 30 effin miles of this crap! I may never get turned on again. Okay, let me explain why this conversation bugs me, because not only has it turned to “I want a new toy”, it’s turned to describing the types of good toys and details I really don’t want dancing around in my head! At this point my head hurts, I’m sticky with suncreen and bug spray and sweat and want to go home! I considered bailing out of the car on the highway at 80 mph just to be rid of the images and her voice in my head.

I also got told several times “yay, I’m glad you are back to normal now, I didn’t know who you were for the last six months”, uh… I’m still the same as I have been for the last 6 months, I just made the mistake of hanging out with her and had been avoiding her. I barely talked the whole time, which was noticed and mentioned several times, but I had nothing to say, not my kind of conversations, and hardly anyone talked because she dominated every second of every conversation that she started. Ugh…. Next time… No Facepalm, no huge group, faster/higher lines.

The good part is that I really did enjoy the activity part, when we weren’t waiting for ages or the rest of the people to go. When I was on the lines speeding through the air with nothing but the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sound of me gliding across the metal line. I will definitely go back, but I will go with people who are fun and will make it a fun activity, not one I have to pretend that with each line I leap into I’m pretending to leap to my death to get away from her. She wants to go to the amusement parks halloween thing this year… I don’t think I can force myself to endure that, although it is a much shorter drive, maybe if I don’t have to ride with her and juts meet up with her I can handle it. I just don’t know though.

16
Sep
10

Wow… say the word facebook


In the title of your blog and you get very popular all of a sudden. Random people tweeting me and stuff, that’s new. And my blog link is being passed around facebook as well, and I swear, I didn’t self promote since most of my friends don’t even know I have a blog! Well, they will if they get sent the link and start browsing it and see the pics of my pets… uh…. maybe I should delete those posts, or hide them for a while till my popularity goes back to a normal level? So with this new found fame, I suppose I can now find advertisers that will pay me to sit here and show off my mad photoshop skills and spout random useless shit and get rich right? That is the American way after all! Get rich, doing what everyone else is doing. I knew that Bachelors in Studio Art would pay off some day!

So on to more important things, like my sister’s current drama. It’s like a frickin soap opera, I love it, I’m hooked, I can’t wait for tomorrow’s episode. Tonight she calls me and the voice mail goes something like this “Oooooh my gaw! oh my gaw, oh my gaw, oh my gaw! You are never going to believe this! OMG! Guess who called me? You will never guess in a million years! omg, where are you? I’m freaking out! Pick up the phone!… Beeep” The beep was her calling me right back while I was listening to the voicemail. I never finished it. I did however guess who it was. Her psychotic schizophrenic Jehovah witness exboyfriend! After four and a half years at that!

Let’s explain the back story, he was weird, like now that I know things, I also think he’s homosexual in the closet crazy weird. During the one year they were together he required her to remove all pubic hair or he wouldn’t have sex with her, on top of that, he refused to touch her with his bare hands, down there, if ya know what I mean. No oral sex, nothing but straight up, plain, sex with no foreplay. WEIRD enough for me! But it gets better! He also hears the voice of god, like really hears him in his head, he tells him things, like he’s a bad person for living with her, and other strange things I’m sure I don’t want to know. Then, one day she’s at Disney World on vacation with a friend, happiest place on earth, unless you are my sister, and he calls from home. He tells her while she’s standing in the middle of the park, he’s dumping her. See, not such a happy place is it? He’s moving out right then, while she’s out of town and taking care of her 9 cats and dog. He says he’ll come by the house a few times a day to check on them, but when she gets back he will be totally gone. Which is true, except for a few things he left. First let me list what he took, 2 things; a package of frozen steaks from the freezer, and all the change from the change jar. That is it! He left a car that didn’t run, cell phone, all his clothes, shoes, books, childhood memories, EVERYTHING! Then he disappeared, nowhere to be found to give him this stuff back!

She called his parents, brother to try to find him so he could get his stuff back. I drove up there and helped her pack it all up, we shoved what we could in the little car, and told his family to get it or it was being towed to an impound lot since the title was in his name. They did send a tow truck for it and that was the end of the story. Right?

My sister is now engaged, living with him for several years, getting married next May, I’ve mentioned being the maid of honor. Tonight, four and a half years after this douchebag left, he starts calling her, not once, but 3 times so far. She’s not answering because she’s in another state on business until tomorrow. As usual, the messages are getting crazier and crazier. She told her fiance and of course he took the opportunity to fuck with her a little. Funny part of it is, if this psycho is trying to find her, and goes to the house they lived in, she’s not there! She now rents that house out, and is in the process of evicting the tenets! The hilarity that started over us imagining him showing up outside that house yelling her name in the middle of the night had us rolling. Hoping all her problems will be solved in one night with her tenants shooting him in the face with a shotgun, thus being arrested and emptying the house and killing the psycho, or at the very least, would scare them enough to move out without her having further legal charges from eviction.

This is where the story ends… for now. Tonight she will be back home with her fiance, and she will return his crazed messages and see what he wants in his presence, for moral support, and so he can threaten him if the freak gets out of hand. She did say if he’s pregnant, it’s NOT her’s, she’s not paying child support. Surely he doesn’t think she still has the few things she couldn’t fit in the car to give back to him after 4.5 years? He said it was very important he talk to her… I’m so curious, I can barely stand it.




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