Archive for the 'moving on' Category

17
Jul
11

The Unintelligent turnpike


So the guy I met while out of town a few months ago… took the unintelligent turnpike. I really can’t say if this quirk of his was something I just didn’t notice at first or if it increased as he became more comfortable talking to me. Needless to say I counted in one minute he said the word “fuckin” 14 times!!!! It was almost every other word, sometimes it was. Now he’s not a complete moron, but this speech pattern sure made him look like one and I just couldn’t handle it. Ex. I was walkin down the fuckin street and there was this fuckin dog, and it was fuckin huge, and it started barking at me and I was like fuckin A! So I fuckin ran, and it fuckin chased me, and I had to climb a fuckin fence and the thing was trying to eat the fuckin fence. See how annoying that is, and when he did it, somehow he said it more! I don’t know how, but he did, I’m not very good at incorporating that word in that much.

He really was a nice guy, but the thing about him and relationships, well, he’s just like me. He’s so like me in other ways, it was too much of my awesomeness for even me to handle. While I’m somewhat ashamed of my drug abuse in my past as a teen and stopped a long time ago, he revels in it. Talks about it nonstop. I think if he didn’t end up with a health condition that nearly killed him, he would still be taking mushrooms and acid on a weekly basis. And speaking of health conditions, ugh, he knows he has to eat low sodium, states he can’t eat this and that, then when I talk to him, he’s eating those things! As a nurse, I can’t handle that kind of unintelligent behavior.

The good news is, I didn’t even have to have the “lets just be friends” conversation. One day he was calling me, the next, I never heard from him again. So I’m sure he got the hint that I was annoyed with him, either that or my lovely sister told him I was annoyed. He’s going to visit my sister and BIL next week, and I know if said speech pattern emerges it will be all she can do to not run from the room laughing. I know I would. Sis is also looking at moving to where he lives, crap, that means all visits to her will be awkwardness……

 

09
Dec
10

On the 14th Day of Festivus…


My true love gave to me, a pounding headache and a mouth dry as a cactus! Okay… my true love is Michelob Ultra, and I had a few too many last night. My lack of energy and grueling hangover probably didn’t help with my lack of patience today. I was going to save the best airing of grievance for last, since there is soooooo much to say on the subject, but today was such a classic day at work, with my family, I even came up with joke. Ready for it?

How many of my parents does it take to unscrew and disconnect a wire of an electric hole punching machine? I’m sure you can guess…. Two. One to call the company that made it and ask how to fix it and yell at the other one while he unscrews the machine and pulls the wire. Two people take over an hour on this one task that should have taken one person ten minutes.

In the mean time, I had to lift a huge heavy object, pack it and ship it off, without either of them offering to help. I suppose had it required a screwdriver, my douche bag stepdad would have run to turn the screwdriver for me, seeing as I’m inept at doing such a difficult task being female and all, but lifting heavy objects larger than me, I don’t need help. I can do that and print a large presentation and finish a huge project I’ve been designing for two weeks. All because it takes TWO people to unscrew a machine and unhook a wire.

That is just the tip of the iceberg though. The last week of my job has been the ultimate test of wills. I could survive in a tent in Alaska for a month with Sarah Palin easier than this last week as been with my parents at my job. Taking bets on if I snap tomorrow? Shall I start a poll? I would, but my lack of blogging lately has so few people reading, I’m sure it would only get two votes.

Should I be grateful they hired me, payed me under the poverty line for 7 years so I could go back to school and once again get away from them? Should I be grateful for the monetary things I’ve been given. If I felt those things were what are important in life I would be. The fact that it’s thrown in my face they could hire someone for much less than I’m paid every day makes me resentful, not grateful. I live below the poverty line! Luckily I am thrifty, I live alone, and have no children. Although I think children would cost less than the five four legged furry ones I’ve chosen to adopt. I drive an eight year old car with the paint peeling off, windows that can’t roll down all the way, a broken passenger door handle, a cd player that plays when it wants, and increasing repairs. I can’t afford a new car. But I won’t bore you with the gajillion ways my family sucks or reasons I have to be resentful, or why I should be in therapy for the next ten years of my life to shake off the black veil they have thrown on my life.

But I should be grateful. I try to be grateful for what I have, but it isn’t the material things that matter to me, so no, I’m not grateful for being tricked and trapped into the situation I have been in for seven years. I’m grateful that tomorrow is my last day of it and I’m finally free.

28
Sep
10

There baaaack…


Why must my single life feel like a scene from a suspenseful movie? It’s like you went to the movie knowing it’s going to be like this, you hear the music of impending doom, yet you still become startled at the moment of the kill.

They always come back, every stupid guy I date that screws up and pulls whatever crap he pulls, comes back. Like my sister, I suppose I’m cursed as well. First I’ll update on her ex-situation. The one that called her a few weeks ago that is. She called back, to find the number disconnected. A few days later he called again, this time she was at home with her fiance and he got her to call again. So he apologizes like he’s in a twelve step program for what he did to her, her fiance is on speaker phone the whole time, and realizes why the dude is calling isn’t an apology, he wants her back. Long story short, he said “holy crap, they really do all come back!” As if he didn’t believe us. I guess at this point in the story, you want to know which one of my slimy ex’s came back?

I saw it coming, when I signed back up for okcupid for the whole friends thing, he was circling my profile like a shark every few days, I guess hoping I’d see it and jump in the water for him to bite. Boy is he wrong! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Apparently Brown also doesn’t know the saying, once bitten twice shy, either. So a few nights ago, he wrote me on there, I only checked it this morning because I was up before dawn with a dog that had to pee so bad she couldn’t wait, so I was awake, and bored. I should have stuck with watching True Blood, at least those vampires only suck your blood.

You really are a very very nice and sweet women, your very pretty and your alot of fun to be around I just thought you should know that…

This is the drunken message I got, I forgot to look to see what time it was when it was sent on the 26th, but I’m betting it was the wee hours of the morning after a very bad date. I find it funny that he felt the need to tell me things I already know about myself instead of apologize. More games I suppose, not that I didn’t expect it. See unlike my sister, my guys rarely apologize, and they don’t take four years to come back, usually it’s around four to nine weeks. Out of the three men I dated more than casually this year, all three have come back now. Darn, what do I have to look forward to for the rest of the year?

Okay, back to Brown and this stupid message. I haven’t replied, not sure that I will, or what I’d say, I need time to think about it. Since I now have the upper hand again, I intend to keep it, and replying so soon after reading it and feeling my heart accelerate with anger, I could easily blurt out something without thinking and lose hand again, and I’d really like to make him suffer. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll think about it today, and as always take all comments into consideration. I know some of the best evil minds reside on this blog, so any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you don’t want to be evil in helping me plot revenge, feel free to speak up. I wonder though, do I care enough to get revenge? Maybe I’ll just get bored enough this week and do it for the sake of something interesting to do. I also noticed in this message the “alot” monster was set loose, which made me giggle and revisit her blog. Have a great day everyone!

22
Sep
10

Where do I belong?


Is this where I should be?

I feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore, I feel trapped, like somehow, if I go somewhere new, maybe I could get my appreciation for life back. I am at heart an adventurist. I remember when I was leaving home for the first time, driving 2 days with everything I owned in a truck and moving here, I felt like it was this great new adventure. I felt free, ready for something new. Now here I am, nothing is new here, I’m trapped again, worse this time. I was talked into buying a house, told I’d easily be able to sell it, and now, I’m trapped. I can’t take off on a new adventure as I want. I can’t buy a sail boat with the profits from the sale of my home, load up my 4 cats and dog and sail off into the sunset totally free from responsibility. I do, just get in my car sometimes and drive. I drive with no purpose, no place to go, and no idea where I’ll get bored and stop. But I never really get far enough for a big scenery change, not to get the sense of freedom I want it to give me, because I know I have to turn around at some point and go back home, to my pets (who I’d never desert), to my mortgage, to my job, my bills, my boring life.

I think I was born in the wrong time, maybe I should have been born in a simpler time.  People forgot to stop and enjoy the little things in life. People forgot that WE are what is important in life, above all else, the living things on this planet, are all that matter. Not our material possessions, no amount of stuff will make us happier. We spend so much time focused on so much stuff. Stuff just accumulates, it doesn’t hug you, it doesn’t love you, it doesn’t challenge your mind, exchange ideas, or make the world a better place. We accumulate tons of stuff, we eat tons of food, we want more, MORE, MORE! Of everything!

Not me, I don’t want more stuff, I want things simplified. What I want more of is steadily in decline. I want more beaches, waves, birds. I want more grass, wind, flowers. I want more rain, dew, dripping trees and fog. I want a cool morning where the crickets still think it’s night and chirp and the birds start to wake and sing and I don’t hear a single car passing, but instead hear the exchange of night for day. I want to get on a boat and watch the whales flip and flop and groan in the middle of the ocean, and dolphins jumping and playing near by, yet so far away from anyone else that we seem to be the only living things left on the planet.

I know my escapist thoughts aren’t normal, most people are content to move to the suburbs, get married, have 2.5 children, work until they are 65, and then retire and sit in a recliner in front of the tv until they die. I don’t want that, I want more and less. Less in material things, yes, I want certain entertainment items, transportation items, but I like things simple, understated, functional. More in terms of quality, more quality in the few material possessions I chose to keep, and more quality in the people I surround myself with.

Compared to most people my age  I supposed I’m not normal, sitting quietly with a book, with my ipod listening to this, while watching the ocean, is the most relaxing thing, the most ideal life I could ever want.

Where I sit now, at work, with pop radio playing, the monotonous daily tasks, all I have is my pandora radio and headphones and pictures I can find on google images to soothe me through the day. My imagination of where I’m headed next, who I’ll meet, what I’ll do and see, what it will teach me and what I can teach others occupies the corners of my mind as I click away at my mouse designing more letterhead, more business cards, more images to sell, more stuff. And at night, I’ll dream of my next adventure, soon to come, very soon.

16
Sep
10

Wow… say the word facebook


In the title of your blog and you get very popular all of a sudden. Random people tweeting me and stuff, that’s new. And my blog link is being passed around facebook as well, and I swear, I didn’t self promote since most of my friends don’t even know I have a blog! Well, they will if they get sent the link and start browsing it and see the pics of my pets… uh…. maybe I should delete those posts, or hide them for a while till my popularity goes back to a normal level? So with this new found fame, I suppose I can now find advertisers that will pay me to sit here and show off my mad photoshop skills and spout random useless shit and get rich right? That is the American way after all! Get rich, doing what everyone else is doing. I knew that Bachelors in Studio Art would pay off some day!

So on to more important things, like my sister’s current drama. It’s like a frickin soap opera, I love it, I’m hooked, I can’t wait for tomorrow’s episode. Tonight she calls me and the voice mail goes something like this “Oooooh my gaw! oh my gaw, oh my gaw, oh my gaw! You are never going to believe this! OMG! Guess who called me? You will never guess in a million years! omg, where are you? I’m freaking out! Pick up the phone!… Beeep” The beep was her calling me right back while I was listening to the voicemail. I never finished it. I did however guess who it was. Her psychotic schizophrenic Jehovah witness exboyfriend! After four and a half years at that!

Let’s explain the back story, he was weird, like now that I know things, I also think he’s homosexual in the closet crazy weird. During the one year they were together he required her to remove all pubic hair or he wouldn’t have sex with her, on top of that, he refused to touch her with his bare hands, down there, if ya know what I mean. No oral sex, nothing but straight up, plain, sex with no foreplay. WEIRD enough for me! But it gets better! He also hears the voice of god, like really hears him in his head, he tells him things, like he’s a bad person for living with her, and other strange things I’m sure I don’t want to know. Then, one day she’s at Disney World on vacation with a friend, happiest place on earth, unless you are my sister, and he calls from home. He tells her while she’s standing in the middle of the park, he’s dumping her. See, not such a happy place is it? He’s moving out right then, while she’s out of town and taking care of her 9 cats and dog. He says he’ll come by the house a few times a day to check on them, but when she gets back he will be totally gone. Which is true, except for a few things he left. First let me list what he took, 2 things; a package of frozen steaks from the freezer, and all the change from the change jar. That is it! He left a car that didn’t run, cell phone, all his clothes, shoes, books, childhood memories, EVERYTHING! Then he disappeared, nowhere to be found to give him this stuff back!

She called his parents, brother to try to find him so he could get his stuff back. I drove up there and helped her pack it all up, we shoved what we could in the little car, and told his family to get it or it was being towed to an impound lot since the title was in his name. They did send a tow truck for it and that was the end of the story. Right?

My sister is now engaged, living with him for several years, getting married next May, I’ve mentioned being the maid of honor. Tonight, four and a half years after this douchebag left, he starts calling her, not once, but 3 times so far. She’s not answering because she’s in another state on business until tomorrow. As usual, the messages are getting crazier and crazier. She told her fiance and of course he took the opportunity to fuck with her a little. Funny part of it is, if this psycho is trying to find her, and goes to the house they lived in, she’s not there! She now rents that house out, and is in the process of evicting the tenets! The hilarity that started over us imagining him showing up outside that house yelling her name in the middle of the night had us rolling. Hoping all her problems will be solved in one night with her tenants shooting him in the face with a shotgun, thus being arrested and emptying the house and killing the psycho, or at the very least, would scare them enough to move out without her having further legal charges from eviction.

This is where the story ends… for now. Tonight she will be back home with her fiance, and she will return his crazed messages and see what he wants in his presence, for moral support, and so he can threaten him if the freak gets out of hand. She did say if he’s pregnant, it’s NOT her’s, she’s not paying child support. Surely he doesn’t think she still has the few things she couldn’t fit in the car to give back to him after 4.5 years? He said it was very important he talk to her… I’m so curious, I can barely stand it.

05
Sep
10

holyhangover batman…


When I had a actual hangover yesterday, I posted “holyhangover batman” as my facebook status, my sister’s reply was “Hangovers are like men, the best way to get over one is to get under a new one, drink up bitches!” It made me laugh. Although my reply was something along the lines of reminding her of a bad hangover she had once where the only “getting under another one” was to get back under the covers after puking again and going back to sleep. I thought about the breakup hangover and realized the depth of the hangover depends on how you should react. Sometimes, you get under a new one, and it’s easy, sometimes you puke and get back under the covers for a while, hide so to speak, so that you can recover while drinking a ton of gatorade (which would be spending time with friends in the case of a man hangover). If you use hair of the dog to recover from a bad hangover, you will eventually have to face the hangover when you stop drinking… Is love like getting drunk?

Dating without getting over my broken heart was doing exactly like drinking to get over my hangover, eventually when I stopped, I felt the hangover. I had to crawl under my covers and sleep it off, then I re-hydrated by hanging out with my friends again. I think I’m still hydrating, not ready to drink from the pool of men again, but I’m starting to crave it again, like an alcoholic craves a drink even years after they have had one. I know however it won’t be a good thing for me, so I am refraining from that urge to drink. Well, not alcohol anyway, just the nectar of men, because that hangover doesn’t compare to the one I had yesterday from drinking way too much vodka.

It’s not that I’m afraid of having my heart broke again, I actually recently got over that fear, which is how I allowed it to happen in the first place. I do realize I’d rather have a broken heart than feel nothing at all, how I was for a very long time. I realize that feeling this, hangover, is in fact feeling something, and I would rather feel it than feel nothing. If I turn on the fear again, block it out, become numb again, I could just go date again, but it would mean nothing. I want to feel not only the pain of the hangover, but I want to feel drunk in love again. So, for now, I’ll continue to hydrate myself in an effort to rid myself of this hangover, so that someday I can get drunk again.

24
Aug
10

Virtue


World English Dictionary
virtue —  [vur-choo] noun
1. the quality or practice of moral excellence or righteousness
2. a particular moral excellence: the virtue of tolerance
3. any of the cardinal virtues (prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance) or theological virtues (faith, hope, and charity)
4. any admirable quality, feature, or trait
5. chastity, esp in women
6. archaic an effective, active, or inherent power or force

Of the things my mother didn’t teach me, Virtue would be one of them. I’d never consider her a virtuous woman by any means either. She’s been married 5 times, has 2 children with 2 different men. She left my father when I was 5 after having an affair, and my older brother catching her in the act by hiding in the closet with a baseball bat I might add!  Not only did she not practice a chaste life, it was lacking virtue in any way shape or form and she was proud of it. She talked to me as if her exploits as a single woman were normal, ok, and to be expected in this day and age. You know, being a modern woman and all, we shouldn’t deny our urges. I could go on for ages about how fucked up my family is and the lessons I learned as a young woman. But lets just say I can identify with Agustin Burroughs in Running with Scissors, even without ever being left to live with my mothers insane shrink. We had more than enough insanity in our own house. Somehow, I just knew, and thought my whole life “don’t be like this, this is not right”. I’m sure to some extent I caught some of the crazy, the lack of virtue, I’m definitely not a virgin or a saint, but I like to think I know right from wrong.  But, still, I don’t feel my virtue is intact.

Now myself being a modern woman, have formed my own opinions on these matters of right and wrong, chastity, and all the fundamentals of virtue. I’m not sure where I got my ideas from, seeing as they certainly weren’t morals handed down by my mother or father, but somehow I think I’ve figured it out finally. I’m not speaking from a Christian point of view mind you, I’m definitely not “Christian” in the sense I believe Jesus died for our sins, or even that he was in fact the son of god, or real for that matter. However non-christian, agnostic, or whatever you want to call me, I do find value in the lessons the bible teaches. Someone had to tell people not to have sex with farm animals, only have sex with your wife (prevents the spread of diseases), don’t murder, don’t steal, and not only to live this way, but to give them a reason to live this way. I’m sure the promise of heaven wasn’t enough for everyone, reason wasn’t enough, some people need the threat of punishment, the wrath of god. Who better to teach the word of god but his own son? It’s a great idea if you think about it. But, I’m not writing this to begin a philosophical debate on the existence of god or Christianity.

Something I wonder though, can you get virtue back? Or is it one of those things, like virginity, is lost forever? Is it possible for a man to see a woman who’s led a less than virtuous life in her past as pure now? For instance, a woman my age isn’t likely to be a virgin, quite frankly I’d find it a bit strange if I hadn’t made a few mistakes along the way, however, if I were to tell the next man I date that I had no intention of having sex again until I’m married, would he take that seriously? or would he still try figuring that unlike if I were still a virgin I wasn’t serious because I didn’t feel that way in my past? I’m not saying that is what I’m going to do, but I am considering it. Not as some sort of test of faith for the guy, not just because I want to be respected, but because I want HIM to want to respect me that way. Certainly the movies say it can be done, the list is a mile long of movies that show the man falling in love with the sinner, the whore, the bad girl gone good. Pretty woman, Moulin Rouge are the best examples, Gone with the Wind, Maid in Manhattan, Unfaithful, are all close enough. I know tons of guys who go for the bad girl, I mean, clearly if I use my own mother as an example, she’s had no difficulty finding a man, hell they all want to marry her! And she has NO virtue. BUT, as an insider looking at her life, and the level of happiness she has, I know I want more. I want someone who at least treats me as if all my virtue isn’t forever lost.

Growing up in a time where the above video was my role model, I can see where things went wrong for my generation and future generations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s blasphemous and I love it, but should I at 10 or 12 years old have been looking up to this woman? Singing this in the mirror and dressing like her? Or should my mother have at least had a conversation with me about what’s wrong with her and the message she is sending and not allowed my mimicry of her? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations now, I don’t know? But I think for the act of love you should be in love. And if there is any chance of regaining my virtue, I plan on trying.

As I always encourage responses, I do not wish to be preached to about what the bible says and doesn’t say, or anything about the philosophy of religion. Please keep your religious views to yourself if they intend to convert or condemn. If you choose not to, I will delete that type of comment.




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