Posts Tagged ‘alone

13
Aug
10

Melancholy


I guess you could say I have it. I feel quiet inside, very still, somber somehow. I feel like through this mood, I’m still searching for something in my mind, another elusive epiphany maybe? No wait, that doesn’t describe it exactly either… it’s an aching, like there is a hole, part of me missing, lost, gone maybe?

It’s Friday the 13th, I believe in fact the last one of the year, the next one, next year in May, my sister will be getting married. I believe sometime after that, my other sister will be married as well. I think all my siblings being married short the one I disowned and will probably be married before me anyway, has me thinking. I wonder if I ask too much in a soul mate, a partner for life, if I should settle for less. Did they settle for less, or did they somehow seem to find exactly what I’ve been searching for my whole life? If they found it, why can’t I? Or did I and I screwed it up, letting it slip through my fingers without realizing it? I don’t know the answers to these questions, I think I don’t want to know.

I didn’t ever want to get married, I was ok with just finding “him”, my soul mate, the one I was meant to be with forever. But for some reason, probably hormonal, I started to think I wanted a family and kids and a husband. I’m not sure why for a few months I thought that, but I think it has a lot to do with what is expected of me. I think I’m back to myself again, the hormones are under control, and despite my quest to find “him”, I don’t want to marry him, I don’t feel the need to have kids anymore. My only want is what it has always been, to not settle, to find the one I know I’m meant to be with and then be with him until the day we die. It’s not that I feel incomplete, well right now I do (which is entirely new to me), but I’ve always felt like a whole person, just that part of me aches, burns, and hurts. I wish I could better express the aching in my heart that I feel ever waking hour, that has always been there, that never leaves the back of my mind, that I’ve lived with as long as I can remember. It’s always been there, even when I was too young to understand it, and I am usually able to push it deep down away from where anyone can see it, usually. Everyone sees the smiling me, the happy me, no one has ever truly seen what’s inside, I’m not sure how they would handle me if they did, but I think I wish someone could. I think I wish there was a “him” that I could share this with, who would understand instead of running away. This is just a small glimpse, of craziness, of pain, of sadness, that is always just under the surface of my smiles and nervous chatter. My art always showed a glimpse of it, but I stopped making art, it became too painful when other people saw it and knew what was inside me, especially those I loved, it hurt them to know that I hurt, it scared them to see the depths of me.

Maybe that is my destiny, to walk the earth alone, searching and never finding. Maybe there is a bigger picture for me to find along the way, something else that I’m not seeing right now. I keep finding myself speechless, nothing to say to anyone, just wanting to run away from here right now. A distraction would be good for me if I could afford the airfare or time off work.

Right now, I can’t fake it, and I know I need to by tonight, a friend needs me to be the smiling strong face she knows while she’s in a bad place. So I’m going to do my best, to kick my own ass to smile, put on the strong front I always do of the strong, smart, independent woman everyone tells me I have to be. And when my friend leaves, and I’m alone, I’ll go for a walk, in the dark, and break down again.

08
Aug
10

Being Alone


I stole this from KaPau! cause it’s great, and I like it, and cause she’s cool like that. Also because I’ve been spending some time with myself, kind of taking a break from dating, and running around like a socialite constantly obligated to some activity. It’s been nice. I bought New Moon yesterday, I’ll finish it today I’m sure. I’m mad at the book, I’m team Edward and he disappointed me, made me cry when he left Bella. But I won’t bore you all with my teenage fantasy book, lol. I was thinking of going somewhere alone today. Maybe I’ll go to the movies. I mean, I guess I should start some laundry and vacuum the house and mop, but after that I have the whole afternoon free. I frequently go for walks along in the woods, I guess I’m not totally alone, I bring my dog, but that usually leads to her running in the creeks, getting muddy and then I have to give her a bath, which she hates, and dodges by getting on my bed and making it muddy too. I think I’ll skip nature today and stick to civilization, it’s too hot anyway, when it cools off she can go hiking again. Maybe I’ll finish my book at starbucks, I could use some coffee this morning.

Old Kittah formerly Fat Kittah

I really shouldn’t be spending a lot of money right now, I have a lot of bills coming up. My dog is due for her annual check up and shots next month, my old cat is acting kinda funny and may have to go to the vet, might just be her arthritis hurting her. My car needs this squealy belt fixed and I may need new breaks. I got screwed over last place that did this for me, and thus is why 2 years later both have to be fixed again. I just got a check from the state, turns out I had “unclaimed property” in the sum of almost $600, from some old stock dividends my mom had in my name and transferred to me when I turned 18, we still aren’t sure why they didn’t roll over to the insurance policy or why they ended up with the state, the ins. company knows my address and contact info.  So both will use this up, if not a little more. But I think I can afford to throw in a cup of coffee today for the heck of it. Time to get in the showah if I’m going to do any of this today! Alone!




This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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