Posts Tagged ‘classical music


Where do I belong?

Is this where I should be?

I feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore, I feel trapped, like somehow, if I go somewhere new, maybe I could get my appreciation for life back. I am at heart an adventurist. I remember when I was leaving home for the first time, driving 2 days with everything I owned in a truck and moving here, I felt like it was this great new adventure. I felt free, ready for something new. Now here I am, nothing is new here, I’m trapped again, worse this time. I was talked into buying a house, told I’d easily be able to sell it, and now, I’m trapped. I can’t take off on a new adventure as I want. I can’t buy a sail boat with the profits from the sale of my home, load up my 4 cats and dog and sail off into the sunset totally free from responsibility. I do, just get in my car sometimes and drive. I drive with no purpose, no place to go, and no idea where I’ll get bored and stop. But I never really get far enough for a big scenery change, not to get the sense of freedom I want it to give me, because I know I have to turn around at some point and go back home, to my pets (who I’d never desert), to my mortgage, to my job, my bills, my boring life.

I think I was born in the wrong time, maybe I should have been born in a simpler time.  People forgot to stop and enjoy the little things in life. People forgot that WE are what is important in life, above all else, the living things on this planet, are all that matter. Not our material possessions, no amount of stuff will make us happier. We spend so much time focused on so much stuff. Stuff just accumulates, it doesn’t hug you, it doesn’t love you, it doesn’t challenge your mind, exchange ideas, or make the world a better place. We accumulate tons of stuff, we eat tons of food, we want more, MORE, MORE! Of everything!

Not me, I don’t want more stuff, I want things simplified. What I want more of is steadily in decline. I want more beaches, waves, birds. I want more grass, wind, flowers. I want more rain, dew, dripping trees and fog. I want a cool morning where the crickets still think it’s night and chirp and the birds start to wake and sing and I don’t hear a single car passing, but instead hear the exchange of night for day. I want to get on a boat and watch the whales flip and flop and groan in the middle of the ocean, and dolphins jumping and playing near by, yet so far away from anyone else that we seem to be the only living things left on the planet.

I know my escapist thoughts aren’t normal, most people are content to move to the suburbs, get married, have 2.5 children, work until they are 65, and then retire and sit in a recliner in front of the tv until they die. I don’t want that, I want more and less. Less in material things, yes, I want certain entertainment items, transportation items, but I like things simple, understated, functional. More in terms of quality, more quality in the few material possessions I chose to keep, and more quality in the people I surround myself with.

Compared to most people my age  I supposed I’m not normal, sitting quietly with a book, with my ipod listening to this, while watching the ocean, is the most relaxing thing, the most ideal life I could ever want.

Where I sit now, at work, with pop radio playing, the monotonous daily tasks, all I have is my pandora radio and headphones and pictures I can find on google images to soothe me through the day. My imagination of where I’m headed next, who I’ll meet, what I’ll do and see, what it will teach me and what I can teach others occupies the corners of my mind as I click away at my mouse designing more letterhead, more business cards, more images to sell, more stuff. And at night, I’ll dream of my next adventure, soon to come, very soon.


I miss my piano

We had a restored Steinway I grew up with, big beautiful black, it sat in a room that was carpeted with white, the back wall all windows up to the vaulted ceiling with cream colored lace curtains to the floor. It was a huge room too, rooms I can’t imagine in a house now, so big it’s just not practical, what did we need with that room. Except, only a room this big, this beautiful could be home to this piano. White silk covered couches from Japan, the black coffee table between them, the imported furniture from around the world so subtle, so as to not take away from the masterpiece. The attached dining room table was mahogany, seating 12, nothing less than big dinner parties were served here. I remember putting an air-mattress in the floor during hurricane Alicia in the 80’s when we lost power for 3 days, we slept in there and played piano for entertainment, plus the generator was easy to access from outside the side door.

I could never play the piano naturally as my step father could. I practiced every day for 2 hours for 7 years and still never had the natural ability he had to play by ear. I use to go upstairs to the game-room that over looked the formal living room and listen to him play for hours at a time. I heard some of the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard, not only did he play what was in front of him with no practice, no struggle, he could add to a simplified piece so that when I tried, it still never sounded quite as beautiful. Everyone says I played like a professional. I don’t know about that, I never felt “gifted” at it, I had to work at it, no matter how much I appreciated the beauty of the piano and music, it never came naturally like it did for some people. Maybe starting at 7 years old I was too young to know. Piano Sonata No. 11 in A major was one of my favorites to play. I loved the faster, classics, the harder it was the more I had to learn it, try harder, I was bored when my instructor wanted me to play pop music, it was too easy, it had no heart. I use to play for my parents Christmas parties. I have to find a picture of it somewhere, me in my big red dress, 10 years old, playing for a bunch of adults. I miss that, as much as I don’t like to show off, when I worked hard on a piece, I loved to play it.

When he left, or when my mom took us away I should say, I went a year without a piano, when she finally bought me one, it was an upright, I was only allowed to play during hours the neighbors weren’t home since it was an apartment. The acoustics were horrible, it didn’t feel right. I abruptly quit and haven’t played again. I think I’d like to try again, it’s been 20 years. I haven’t had access to a decent piano, and in a way, I think it hurts my soul to attempt to play a less than beautiful instrument, one of utility only shouldn’t be used to play beautiful music. I can’t imagine Chopin, Beethoven, Schumann, Bach, Mozart, and Schubert played on an upright, in an apartment. No, it doesn’t seem right. I’d like to go pick up a free piano now, to practice, but I think it would sit, collecting dust, not feeling right in my crowded living room. No, somehow, I know I need my grand piano back, I know I can’t afford a Steinway right now, maybe some day, maybe some day I can also afford the room to put it in. I wonder if I can still play, is it like riding a bike or typing? Put my fingers to the keys and it will come back to me? I can almost close my eyes and feel it. Instead I listen.  Pandora Piano Solo’s

Sorry, not my usual controversial blog, just what I was thinking about today. Missing that outlet I had, missing most of my creativity that I feel robbed of from my education years. Wishing something as simple as an instrument could bring it all back.

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August 2019
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