Posts Tagged ‘dating

29
Sep
10

The Doctor is in


I got an email last night from a guy asking for communication with women advice. It’s not that I discourage anyone from doing so, but realize, I’m not the best person to be asking dating advice from. I am seriously fucked up in that department. My blog is such a small part of who I am, of my life, and believe me, if you knew me, it’s not the most fucked up stuff about me. I’m not sure why, after reading this blog, after reading all the darkness inside me and how I feel about love and dating and relationships, why anyone would ask me for advice.

I’m on a journey right now, it’s all about me, I’m selfish, and I realize it. Yes, I am a healer by nature, I can’t stop myself from trying to help, but emotionally, asking me for advice, is bound to lead anyone to disaster. I heal the physical, emotionally I will just draw you into my own selfish needs and suck you dry. It’s not a threat, it is a warning, only the strong survive in my world, as my friends and lovers.

Yes, what Brown said to me about being so great is true, to him, it’s how I draw them in, it’s why they always come back, but the fun me, it’s not who I am all the time, not even the majority of the time.  If I love you, as a friend or more, I will do it with everything I have, I’ll fight for you, have your back even if you are wrong. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I’m not loyal like a dog, it’s just that if you mistreat me like a dog, I will turn on you and bite. And if you are one who thinks you are worse off than me, or who thinks it’s a joke, well, fine, find out the hard way.

I have no self control, I’ll accept you, make you think I’m great and you will feel great when you are with me, talking to me, but my darkness will come out, eventually. When you try to change me, or emotionally control me, I’ll shut you down, I’ll shut you out, which will make you crazy.

By all means, ask my opinion, I’ll tell you, and if you don’t like it and try to debate my advice I’ll tell you to shut the fuck up and ask why you asked me in the first place? Lots of people like to do that. I won’t argue with people, I become aloof, I ignore people I don’t like, I escape to my happy place and shut down, it’s what you do when you are raised by a raging sociopath who gets in your face if you leave a pencil on the table on accident or take too long between changing sheet music during your two hour piano practice daily. When you have no one to protect you, you shut down, internalize, and become fucked up as an adult. This is why if you ask for my advice, I’ll give it to you, I’ll try to help you, I may even have good intentions, however my dark jaded world view gives skeptical advice, it’s selfish, and it only applies to what I would want someone to do for me. And hey, I’m fucked up, so what I want isn’t normal, it’s not what most people want, it’s not what healthy people want. So by all means, ask me, just be prepare for me to pull the football out just as you kick and laugh about it. Not that I discourage you from asking, by all means, ask away, the Doctor is in…

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28
Sep
10

There baaaack…


Why must my single life feel like a scene from a suspenseful movie? It’s like you went to the movie knowing it’s going to be like this, you hear the music of impending doom, yet you still become startled at the moment of the kill.

They always come back, every stupid guy I date that screws up and pulls whatever crap he pulls, comes back. Like my sister, I suppose I’m cursed as well. First I’ll update on her ex-situation. The one that called her a few weeks ago that is. She called back, to find the number disconnected. A few days later he called again, this time she was at home with her fiance and he got her to call again. So he apologizes like he’s in a twelve step program for what he did to her, her fiance is on speaker phone the whole time, and realizes why the dude is calling isn’t an apology, he wants her back. Long story short, he said “holy crap, they really do all come back!” As if he didn’t believe us. I guess at this point in the story, you want to know which one of my slimy ex’s came back?

I saw it coming, when I signed back up for okcupid for the whole friends thing, he was circling my profile like a shark every few days, I guess hoping I’d see it and jump in the water for him to bite. Boy is he wrong! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Apparently Brown also doesn’t know the saying, once bitten twice shy, either. So a few nights ago, he wrote me on there, I only checked it this morning because I was up before dawn with a dog that had to pee so bad she couldn’t wait, so I was awake, and bored. I should have stuck with watching True Blood, at least those vampires only suck your blood.

You really are a very very nice and sweet women, your very pretty and your alot of fun to be around I just thought you should know that…

This is the drunken message I got, I forgot to look to see what time it was when it was sent on the 26th, but I’m betting it was the wee hours of the morning after a very bad date. I find it funny that he felt the need to tell me things I already know about myself instead of apologize. More games I suppose, not that I didn’t expect it. See unlike my sister, my guys rarely apologize, and they don’t take four years to come back, usually it’s around four to nine weeks. Out of the three men I dated more than casually this year, all three have come back now. Darn, what do I have to look forward to for the rest of the year?

Okay, back to Brown and this stupid message. I haven’t replied, not sure that I will, or what I’d say, I need time to think about it. Since I now have the upper hand again, I intend to keep it, and replying so soon after reading it and feeling my heart accelerate with anger, I could easily blurt out something without thinking and lose hand again, and I’d really like to make him suffer. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll think about it today, and as always take all comments into consideration. I know some of the best evil minds reside on this blog, so any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you don’t want to be evil in helping me plot revenge, feel free to speak up. I wonder though, do I care enough to get revenge? Maybe I’ll just get bored enough this week and do it for the sake of something interesting to do. I also noticed in this message the “alot” monster was set loose, which made me giggle and revisit her blog. Have a great day everyone!

16
Sep
10

Hello Captain Oblivious


I swear, I didn't make this, apparently someone else knows him too

I finally came up with a nickname for J. He is now, “Captain Oblivious”, this is of course of his own willingness to admit how oblivious he is to subtle cue’s of human interaction, especially when dealing with the fairer sex. Last night he called to explain about “The Uniform”, having to do with how a man chooses to dress when he goes out. They must either don the uniform or they look like a manager at best buy. There is more to it than that, but, lets get to the heart of why he is CO to me now.

CO proceeded to tell me some dating failure stories that frankly, didn’t seem THAT oblivious to me, but a few were more so than others. Maybe because of his age and relative nativity at the time I find it easy to accept.

First story is about a girl he knew for a while and was friends with, or so he thought. She started calling him at 3 a.m. to come over and “hang out”, now I know what everyone thinks… Three a.m. = booty call right? That is my clear interpretation of it as well, I’d never call someone at that hour unless I was serioiusly in distress and couldn’t be alone, or needed a ride home because I really couldn’t drive, but I wouldn’t ask them to stay, and not in my bed. You see where I’m going with this? CO was called to “hang out” and stay the night, even invited to stay in her bed with him, to which he didn’t undress in the slightest and each inch she crept closer to him he crept closer to the edge of the bed, until in fact, he fell off. The next time she did this, she went to go “change” and came back in her bra and panties and clued him in stating, how she could be more obvious. So… okay, I’ll give him that one, three a.m. “hang out”, sleep in my bed, is a clear signal of a booty call, hell the Black Eyed Peas have a song about it. Hello Captain Oblivious!

He told me about a story of when he was a freshman in college and during a dorm party, people would put coats and such items in a “nonparty” room. A girl had put her stuff in his room, and through out the part kept needing to go get various items, alone… with him. I’m guessing she had been flirting pretty obviously with him, but he didn’t catch the cue’s. End of the night comes around and as her friends are leaving her behind and he’s asking if she’s okay to walk home alone, she runs off with a scowl, leaving him thinking she’s mad at her friends. Uh.. nope, mad at him, for being so oblivious to her signals. Pretty funny I think as he found out the next day how angry she was.

There is another story about a girl he hung out with a lot for quite a long time in fact, he thought again, just friends. But they’d go out, nothing romantic would happen, and eventually one night she was too drunk to drive home, so he had her stay at his apartment. I hope I remember this right, but somehow he was kind of thrown against the wall and once again, asked how he could be so oblivious, and asked what he wanted. Clothes came off, he was speechless. This story I can sympathize with most, I think, in such a situation, I’d be somewhat clueless as well. I look at this situation as if him and I were friends and he did this with me, seriously, I’m pretty perceptive of how people feel, but if there was no prior physical attempts at affection, it would catch me totally off guard. But I think in prior blogs we’ve established someone just suddenly wanting casual sex from me, or going straight to a sexual relationship from out of nowhere isn’t my style, I guess other people do, maybe I’m clueless too for not ever quite understanding how that works.

Now, as a woman, I suppose I’m different in some ways, and pretty typical in others. I’m not likely to make the first move as far as physical affection outside of friendship type affection. I’m also not typical in that I’m not subtle when I do like someone, and am more than likely to make my intentions known up front. If someone hasn’t responded to subtle cues within a few hours, I’m likely to ask “well aren’t ya gonna kiss me?”, but they would also know, before we were in that setting if this was a date, or just friendship I was seeking. I try to be clear about my intentions with everyone up front. Not that people don’t change their minds, we all do it, I know it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, I do it almost hourly about everything, as witnessed by many here.

No, I’m not trying to make CO feel better. He is oblivious, to some extent, and well… I’m not so sure I’m much better, at least at some of these situations. I mean, if someone says we are friends, that is my assumption until they tell me or show me CLEARLY otherwise. And then, if some dynamic of a relationship has changed, into more, or less, I want to talk about it, set clear boundaries, know what the intentions are. I mean, I’ve said it over and over again in my blog, I don’t understand what is so hard about being honest and just talking to people, it really would avoid so many misunderstandings in life. I think my clear cut way of dealing with people avoids a lot of bullshit, but also leaves me caught off guard at times when other people aren’t so clear with intentions. I’ve told CO my intentions with him are friendship, someone to do fun things with, and honestly, as selfish as it is, he makes me feel better. I wonder however, what he gets out of this from me? Huh… that just occurred to me to be curious.

I’ll send him the link to this, so he can comment further on the state of oblivion he lives in, and defend himself, it’s only fair. But, along with the link is more insight into how batshitcrazy I really am, more depth into the things that happened recently, not all of it, but some more than I’ve been able to offer, or care to discuss at the moment. I may post more later on other subjects going on in my life, yes, I do have other things, hush people, I know I’ve secluded myself a bit lately, but I’m working on it. Work has been so busy this week I’ve had little idle time to do much writing as I would like, or to even look for a job. What time I do have, we’ll blame wasting it on emailing CO back and forth. Hey, gotta have priorities right?

05
Sep
10

holyhangover batman…


When I had a actual hangover yesterday, I posted “holyhangover batman” as my facebook status, my sister’s reply was “Hangovers are like men, the best way to get over one is to get under a new one, drink up bitches!” It made me laugh. Although my reply was something along the lines of reminding her of a bad hangover she had once where the only “getting under another one” was to get back under the covers after puking again and going back to sleep. I thought about the breakup hangover and realized the depth of the hangover depends on how you should react. Sometimes, you get under a new one, and it’s easy, sometimes you puke and get back under the covers for a while, hide so to speak, so that you can recover while drinking a ton of gatorade (which would be spending time with friends in the case of a man hangover). If you use hair of the dog to recover from a bad hangover, you will eventually have to face the hangover when you stop drinking… Is love like getting drunk?

Dating without getting over my broken heart was doing exactly like drinking to get over my hangover, eventually when I stopped, I felt the hangover. I had to crawl under my covers and sleep it off, then I re-hydrated by hanging out with my friends again. I think I’m still hydrating, not ready to drink from the pool of men again, but I’m starting to crave it again, like an alcoholic craves a drink even years after they have had one. I know however it won’t be a good thing for me, so I am refraining from that urge to drink. Well, not alcohol anyway, just the nectar of men, because that hangover doesn’t compare to the one I had yesterday from drinking way too much vodka.

It’s not that I’m afraid of having my heart broke again, I actually recently got over that fear, which is how I allowed it to happen in the first place. I do realize I’d rather have a broken heart than feel nothing at all, how I was for a very long time. I realize that feeling this, hangover, is in fact feeling something, and I would rather feel it than feel nothing. If I turn on the fear again, block it out, become numb again, I could just go date again, but it would mean nothing. I want to feel not only the pain of the hangover, but I want to feel drunk in love again. So, for now, I’ll continue to hydrate myself in an effort to rid myself of this hangover, so that someday I can get drunk again.

24
Aug
10

my own personal hell


So it seems karma found a better way to punish me this week. It seems Browns best friend will be at my work every day for the rest of the week. It will only be a few minutes every day I have to see him, but that is enough for him to report back that he saw me, how I looked and acted to Brown. CRAP! I really thought I had this douche bag out of my life. The last thing I need is some reason for him to try to contact me again. Guys that pull what he did, leaving things open without closure with me, always come back, or try. It may not be this week, but I do believe the impending doom feeling I was getting Saturday was this bomb about to be dropped on me.

It’s not like I care what his friend tells him, but I have to be very careful what I say so that he doesn’t get the idea I care what Brown is up to, or that I want him to call me. Quite the opposite. I want to make it clear I don’t, without saying it. I would have taken a week of vacation time had I known about this last week, then he would probably forget I existed when he stepped into my work, thinking Brown had told him I worked at a different location and he was mixed up. But noooooo, can’t play hookey or a whole week now, too late!

Yes, I'm talkin Kirstie Alley frump!

My friend told me to make sure I look really good all week so he’d report back to him how hot I looked. I’m not out for revenge, I don’t care enough, and I don’t want him to want me. I want him to go away. I’m afraid my reaction to his other coworker when he said the best friends name today might have been enough to spread the word. I’m pretty sure I turned bright red and spun around in my chair and said “fuck” under my breath a million times when I thought he stepped out the back door. So I plan to do the opposite of look pretty, I’m going to be a mess! I’m going to wear clothes 2 sizes too big, fat girl clothes, not do my hair at all, and wear no makeup, all.damn.week. Maybe, just maybe, his friend will only ask what he saw in me and that will be the end of the conversation. Think it will work? I’m not that lucky. Best I can hope for is Brown being the coward he is will only text me and I can ignore it and go on pretending he never existed. Right?

They always come back, always. “I was stupid, you are so amazing, I was just scared” or “I wasn’t ready to be with you” I even had one say “I really liked you but you had all these weird ideas about who I was”… uh, dude, did you really try to blame you being an asshole to me on “ideas” you thought I had? Uh, how about no, you are still an asshole, go away now! Buh bye now, run along! Much like Mr. NY’s email in desperation telling me to listen to “Amazed” by whatever country band plays that song. NO, to little too late bub. I’m done! But, thus is my life, and my luck, and this one will do it too, just a matter of time, and how big of balls he has as to what excuse he gives me and how. Oh well, at least I can sleep in this week, don’t have to worry about looking decent!

07
Aug
10

boo hoo, cry me a river


kinda looks like him too!

I woke up to an email from Mr. NY today.  Remember Mr. NY? He likes to get drunk and want me back. He’s still living in NY, headed to Croatia, but says he’s coming back for me. boo hoo dude, cry me a river. Who wants to read it? Ok…

“I’m so stupid I should of never left *insert state* or ur side past few days its all I could think bout.   If uve ever heard loneststar.  Amazed. I heard it tnite n I dropped to my knees asking god y I’m even here.  I’m comin back after I’m finished payin respect to my grandfathers grave in Croatia”

Sent at like 2 something a.m. from his blackberry. What is he thinking with this? I have no intention of replying to said message. I almost think I should reply though with some needy clingy message, it might be the only way to keep him away, but it could backfire too. If I ignore it, it will probably just drive him to further communication, you know how guys like a chase. On the other hand, should I reply saying not to come back? I don’t want him to come back and start trying to win me back. I don’t want him in my life or to go down that road again.

All I can hope it’s it’s more bullshit, that he isn’t coming back here. Things he did can’t be forgiven. I’d never trust him again. I was stupid to trust him to begin with. Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! is all i can think right now. I want some chocolate.

*Edit and update – I replied, it was mean, it felt good. He needs to know to leave me alone. I think this will do it.

“Stop *Mr. NY, stop lying to me, things have changed. I see things clearly now, you lied to me, a lot, about so many things that I won’t bother to list them now, and because you know what you lied about. I don’t doubt that you cared about me at some point, in some way, I think it’s why you lied about so many things, because you were scared I wouldn’t like you if I knew the real you, but when it turned to lies for manipulation reasons, I was done. I’ve changed *Mr. NY, I’m not the naive person you once met. I use to wish you would just be honest with me and I could know who you really were, that you would admit to all of the lies and apologize, that you would just pick up a phone and call me. I don’t wish for you to change anymore, this behavior is why your life is where it is right now. I don’t care to speculate on your reasons anymore. I think you are a coward, a liar, a manipulator, and not someone I want in my life. I don’t even care how mad this makes you because it’s all true, and I don’t want to hear it anymore. Goodbye Mr. NY. ”

*Mr. NY is substituted for his real name.

I think, hope, and yes, even pray, this will do it, that he will not reply, that he will leave me alone now. If he doesn’t, I won’t reply anymore. I’m actually really done. I hope he’s mad, I really hope he’s furious, I hope it ruins his weekend like he ruined so many for me. I hope with me finally saying what I wanted to say, how I really feel, that I can move on, and really ignore him from now on.

06
Aug
10

Law of Attraction? or not?


Thinking about the article below, how it’s affected my relationships with the opposite sex, it brings me back to this whole self fulfilling prophecy thing again. The only issue I have with the Universal Law of Attraction is that I fear for myself at least, keeping such a positive focus on the future and what I want, would I not become prone to having the proverbial wool pulled over my eyes so to speak? Yet, looking for signs as I do, that someone is lying, being deceptive, and keeping my guard up, does that not according to this hypothesis bring just that into my life? This is my struggle right now. I want to be positive, it’s in my nature to want to be trusting and to want the beautiful perfect life, but am I a fool to not self protect a little?

I have thought about this with regards to the last few attempted relationships. Mr. NY, when I was open to anything, to happiness, he fell in love with me (or at least said he did), but when I worried because he went home and his behavior changed slightly after 24 hours, he became the liar I had thought he would be. Next up were a string of guys I dated casually that met all of my expectations of being scum bags. Then there was “Napoleon” (ya, he was short), he was really awesome, but like most short men, lied about his height, when we met, even though I liked him, I knew getting over Mr. NY that I was bound to rebound and hurt the next guy, so what did I do? exactly what I thought, found a nice guy, hurt him, and moved on. Then Brown comes along, I was back to healed, open, dating, and seeing what was out there, being objective. I wasn’t turned off by him, but didn’t really have any thoughts on him in particular. He didn’t seem overly zealous over me, which was a relief, but I did want to get to know him. Once we had the “horrible sex”, the way too soon sex, my mind went to worrying that it was too soon, that he’d now freak out and move on. It was exactly what happened, and I don’t think had I not worried about it, had I been cas. about it, he probably would have been too. I won’t even bring up the gay man, ok, I will, I think Browns conventional views and having a problem openly with my open minded views made me look for someone, subconsciously the opposite, and the gay man that participated in mass orgies, was JUST that! Then S shows up, after Brown lied to me about being busy working when he was really on okcupid. S is the epitome of a liar, I think after the last few experiences with liars, I was in the mindset all men are liars, but really, not like this. Nothing S told me was true I don’t think, he was a sick sick individual. Did I invite all of this? Can I reverse any of it? What are your thoughts?  I’d like to hear what other people think about the power of thoughts and what their balance is.

The Universal Law of Attraction
By Mohammed | January 11, 2007

It’s a common phenomenon. Almost everyone can relate. You start looking for a new car, something special, something not like anyone else’s, something unusual. You pick out what seems to be a unique, unusual choice of a special red car and all of a sudden, there it is– your red car, the one you thought was only yours. It’s on every street corner. It is at every stoplight. You see three of these red cars just driving down the freeway. You never saw these cars before. What happened? How did all of these people get your unique red car at the same time?

Well the fact of the matter is that your brain is seeing the red cars that were always there. Since you picked out this car for yourself, that car has become special for you and now you are noticing what was really there all along.

It’s called the “Reticular Activation System” or RAS. It is the part of your brain that automatically filters out what is not important to you and brings your attention to things that are important to you. We all have it. Many a Mom will tell you that they can pick out their own child’s voice within the chorus of many children’s voices. A Mom will be sleeping soundly through noise from many directions and her baby makes a small whimper and she’s wide-awake. Our brains automatically filter what is important and what is not important to us.

Basically the Reticular Activation System is how the Law of Attraction works. We get what we focus on; we create what we think about and the RAS system of our brains just helps this process along.

There are so many misconceptions regarding the Law of Attraction. It seems odd that if this is a Universal Law why people tend to argue with it. Nobody argues with gravity. Of course, gravity is not nearly so misunderstood.

The Law of Attraction is not a new concept. It has been with us since ancient times, which only makes sense if it is a Universal Law. It is mentioned in the Bible
“For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”
Proverbs 23:7

Buddha taught about the Law of Attraction
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become”
Buddha 562-483 B.C.

In the early part of the 20th century many books were written about the Law of Attraction, such as “As a Man thinketh” by James Allen, “The Master Key” by Charles Haanel and one of the most popular books of all time “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.

Yet there are those who still argue and express their disbelief. A common argument is that proponents of the Law of Attraction claim that all they have to do is think their lofty thoughts and all of their dreams come true. This could not be further from the truth. The thoughts create the opportunities and the ideas AND the motivation and inspiration to take the ACTION to make it come true.

The Joy in creating comes from developing and dreaming in your own mind but a large part of the FUN of creating comes from the Action taken. Not many achievers are content to sit on the beach and dream of success. There is no fun and there is no challenge in that. It’s a joy to dream the dream, to be attracted to the way and to take the action to make your dreams come true. Sitting on the beach daydreaming may be fun for an hour or two but how boring to live a life like that. Taking action to create your dreams is where the fun and joy in creating comes, not just from the dreams in your own mind.

So Dream the Dream and your RAS will take over and you will be inspired and guided on the right action to take. Take the Action and the Law of Attraction will bring your dream to you.

This article is included in the January 21, 2007 edition of the The Personal Development




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