Posts Tagged ‘fears






the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Nope, not addicted to drugs, or booze, or shopping, I’m addicted to a frickin man. I can’t stop. I knew it was going to be like this the minute I met him, the first time I saw him I just knew. No, I didn’t see him and lust and think “omg, this is the hottest guy ever”, but I was drawn to him, kept looking and wondering why. Then we started talking and couldn’t stop talking. It’s been like that ever since. Every day, and the few days we don’t spend hours on the phone, it’s like withdrawal. I have imaginary conversations with him as I lay in bed.
I didn’t want this! I avoided this! I told him I’m a mess when it comes to relationships, I suck, and don’t really know why anyone would want one with me. But he keeps calling me, talking to me and now has plans to come visit me in July. Which scares me for many reasons. What if when he gets here I pull my typical sudden freak out and just don’t want him here anymore? Don’t say I won’t, cause I’ve done it before. When  guy invades my space for even two days I tend to freak out and never want to see him again, especially when I see no out of him going home. I can’t not do it, it just happens, and I can’t not hurt the person. Which with this guy, puts me in a weird situation with him being my brother in laws best friend!
On the other hand, what if I want him to stay? What if I want him to never leave? What if I fall for him even more so than I already am? I’m already waiting for the ball to drop on that one, the one where he decides he doesn’t like me anymore. The one where my heart breaks for the hundredth time and I go back to that bad place I have been too many times before.
I know I need to discuss all this with him, but I feel like there are certain things that should be said in person, except I’d hate for him to waste his money flying out here only to say “wow, you really are messed up, maybe we just shouldn’t go there” and then it’s all weird the rest of the trip. So I’m finding myself being forced to have this conversation via phone even though I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to say “be careful with my heart”, I want to be cool and easy going and just go with the flow and enjoy what’s happening. But, easy going girl is just not who I am I guess.
I wish I could just let everything in my past go and relax. But that girl is gone when it comes to my heart being on the line. So here I go, trying to find the right words to even begin this conversation.

Is it worth it?

I applied for a job about a month ago in the state I moved here from, at a mental hospital, I really didn’t research it, or even where it was, I just got the job listing on the state website. It’s in a TINY town, I mean really really tiny, and closest city/town close to it is an hour away and roughly the size of where I’m living now! Population where I’d be living is about 3300.

They called me last week, to see if I was really interested, I said yes of course! It’s a full time job in the area I want to work in. She said she’d pass my application to the Nurse Manager and they would let me know. Well… today they called! I really didn’t think about it much more, thinking they would probably hire someone closer. But NOPE! So today I’ve been searching for airfare rates, which all turned out horribly high! Plus trying to find a BLS (healthcare CPR) renewal class in my area since mine expires tomorrow! eeeek… but, I found one for tomorrow night. The cheapest ticket I found to this place was $340, plus I’d have to drive 3 hours to the interview, but I’d have a free place to stay with friends and get to go home. I haven’t been back since I left almost 7 years ago, so that is enticing to say the least! Good food, the city, I’m so homesick at this moment I can’t describe how I feel about going back. I want it with every fiber of my being. I just want to run around downtown screaming like a maniac and kissing the dirty sidewalks! Knowing I’m close enough to spend weekends and such with friends would mean the world to me. It’s just not quite close enough.

It’s a good job though, pay is great, free health ins. from the state, awesome benefits. It is essentially what I want to do for the rest of my life, working with the criminally insane, and get my nurse practitioners license in mental health. Downside, a smaller town than even where I am now and nothing close to give me a break. It’s also not exactly where I wanted to live the rest of my life. Ugh… I don’t want to have to move AGAIN in 2 years. I want to get to the Northwest BAD. I need NEW culture, something less southern, something, different, totally different, from what I’m use to. Small town, big city, doesn’t matter when the culture is totally different, and where I came from and where I am now, are both similar cultures.

I’m so torn about this. I want to go, I don’t want to spend the money, even if it’s a cheap buddy pass from my brother it will still cost me around $300+ by the time I’m done with eating and all that stuff. Would the decision be easier if it was somewhere I WANTED to live? I think so. I’m going to buckle down and focus on that as well, for the next few weeks. I’ll tell the state I’m working on getting a airline ticket, and put them off another week, see if I can line up prospects where I want to be. The good side of all of this is it gives me hope, it lit a fire under my ass, to get things started again, looking where I want to be, focusing on what I need to do to get there.

The weird thing, has also brought up this huge amount of emotion about going back. I mean permanently. I walked away from there feeling that there was nothing left for me there, that I was moving on to bigger and better things. Going back almost feels like defeat to me, even though I have a new career, another degree under my belt, and a new outlook on life. I know who I am now, so in a way, I fear going back will bring back who I was, which wasn’t the best place for me. I realize I’ve been in a bad place lately even here, probably the darkest place I’ve ever been, but, I’m still not who I was 7 years ago. I can’t really describe who I was, probably because I didn’t know, so going back to face that scares the living crap out of me. Then, in another sense, I feel like even if I don’t take the job, going back and facing my past might be a big, important step for me in personal growth. It could make me feel better, get me out of this funk I’m in, I can get some of the adrenaline rush things I want to do out of my system for sure! I know where to go and what to do there! I’m so torn now, I doubt I’ll sleep tonight…

This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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July 2020

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