Posts Tagged ‘freedom

27
Sep
10

The Rain


It feels like it’s been forever since it rained last, so long it feels like it’s sort of a cleansing of all the negative energy building like heat from the sun in my life. Saturday evening I went for a walk in the woods with my dog as the sun set. The trail I use was almost gone, created by fourwheelers and dirt bikes, forbidden now by the city water departments ownership of the property, and I guess has been enforced since there were no signs of trail use for months. As I went down what was once a gravel road made by the city to put in sewer lines under the trail, I was scratched by blackberry vines, wild grasses that were knee high only to walk to the opening before the forest to see the grass was now shoulder high. I debated going back, not knowing what was waiting for me in the high grass, snakes, bobcats, spiders, more thorns, and other things that irritate the skin, but I decided to not be a chicken and just stomp through the high grass, it’s just grass after all. On the other side was the old trail I’ve run for the last few years, slightly overgrown, but still there after twenty five or more years of use by the former property owners children which lies directly behind what was their farm land and is now a neighborhood. My dog ran like the wind, all I could hear was the thumping of her paws and pants as she zipped past me making faster and wider circles from me until she was out of sight and I’d call her back and zooooooooooom…. she’d race past me again. It’s fun to watch an animal or child embrace carefree running for the sake of play. We finally made it to the creek, about the time the sun set and I decided to let her drink and head back. We were back in a short time, I was sweaty, covered in scratches, she was full of little green sticky burrs which I picked out one by one from her long fluffy hair. It was great because ten minutes after we were back, it poured rain.

I love the rain, how green and clean it makes things, how it can wash away all the heat and dirty that has accumulated from the pavement. I stood on my deck barefoot Saturday in the cold rain, slapping my feet on the wet wood’s tiny puddles, I liked the way it felt, cold, clean, rough under my feet. The sound was of light slapping when skin taps the surface of water, cold, freezing between my toes, I knew I’d wear socks the rest of the day to get the cold to melt away from my feet, I’d pay for this little moment of bliss. It’s funny, when I moved here, I thought this was an area known for high rainfall amounts, it’s so green, lush, humid with kudzu covering anything it can, overgrown everything takes over anything humans leave untouched for just a few months. So when I got here and we went into mandatory water conservation from a severe drought, I was astonished at how little rain we were getting. I suppose nothing here is how I had imagined it, not even the rain. When we have a rainy season, it does rain for weeks at a time, I remember not seeing the sun for over a month once. I also remember not seeing a rain cloud for 4 months one summer.  It has been over a month since the last rain now, with a scorching heat wave unseasonable for this region, so this cool slow ongoing rain is more than welcome to me. I even like driving in it despite people who can’t seem to master that simple task.

I can’t resist the urge to just stand out there, getting soaked, it took all I had this morning to not come into work soaked to the bone, to stay dry and resist until after work when I have no one to look presentable for. When I get home, I can stand in the rain and let it pour down soaking every strand of my hair, every fiber of my clothing, and dance on the wet wood of my deck. My neighbors are surely to think I’ve lost my mind,  not sure that it’s entirely possible for them to think I’ve lost it anymore than they already do, but surly this will solidify any doubts they’ve had. I don’t care, cause it’s my happy place, it’s where I go in my mind every time life gets tough and I’m tempted to scream “FUCK OFF” to the next person who approaches me with their negative soul sucking energy. Sitting there with the rain dripping off the tip of my nose and lips, off my hair, slapping under the soles of my feet is my happiness. I’m lucky enough to find that today, outside of my mind, soon, a few more hours, and all the negative energy of my day can wash away like dirt and oil from the pavement from my life.

22
Sep
10

Where do I belong?


Is this where I should be?

I feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore, I feel trapped, like somehow, if I go somewhere new, maybe I could get my appreciation for life back. I am at heart an adventurist. I remember when I was leaving home for the first time, driving 2 days with everything I owned in a truck and moving here, I felt like it was this great new adventure. I felt free, ready for something new. Now here I am, nothing is new here, I’m trapped again, worse this time. I was talked into buying a house, told I’d easily be able to sell it, and now, I’m trapped. I can’t take off on a new adventure as I want. I can’t buy a sail boat with the profits from the sale of my home, load up my 4 cats and dog and sail off into the sunset totally free from responsibility. I do, just get in my car sometimes and drive. I drive with no purpose, no place to go, and no idea where I’ll get bored and stop. But I never really get far enough for a big scenery change, not to get the sense of freedom I want it to give me, because I know I have to turn around at some point and go back home, to my pets (who I’d never desert), to my mortgage, to my job, my bills, my boring life.

I think I was born in the wrong time, maybe I should have been born in a simpler time.  People forgot to stop and enjoy the little things in life. People forgot that WE are what is important in life, above all else, the living things on this planet, are all that matter. Not our material possessions, no amount of stuff will make us happier. We spend so much time focused on so much stuff. Stuff just accumulates, it doesn’t hug you, it doesn’t love you, it doesn’t challenge your mind, exchange ideas, or make the world a better place. We accumulate tons of stuff, we eat tons of food, we want more, MORE, MORE! Of everything!

Not me, I don’t want more stuff, I want things simplified. What I want more of is steadily in decline. I want more beaches, waves, birds. I want more grass, wind, flowers. I want more rain, dew, dripping trees and fog. I want a cool morning where the crickets still think it’s night and chirp and the birds start to wake and sing and I don’t hear a single car passing, but instead hear the exchange of night for day. I want to get on a boat and watch the whales flip and flop and groan in the middle of the ocean, and dolphins jumping and playing near by, yet so far away from anyone else that we seem to be the only living things left on the planet.

I know my escapist thoughts aren’t normal, most people are content to move to the suburbs, get married, have 2.5 children, work until they are 65, and then retire and sit in a recliner in front of the tv until they die. I don’t want that, I want more and less. Less in material things, yes, I want certain entertainment items, transportation items, but I like things simple, understated, functional. More in terms of quality, more quality in the few material possessions I chose to keep, and more quality in the people I surround myself with.

Compared to most people my age  I supposed I’m not normal, sitting quietly with a book, with my ipod listening to this, while watching the ocean, is the most relaxing thing, the most ideal life I could ever want.

Where I sit now, at work, with pop radio playing, the monotonous daily tasks, all I have is my pandora radio and headphones and pictures I can find on google images to soothe me through the day. My imagination of where I’m headed next, who I’ll meet, what I’ll do and see, what it will teach me and what I can teach others occupies the corners of my mind as I click away at my mouse designing more letterhead, more business cards, more images to sell, more stuff. And at night, I’ll dream of my next adventure, soon to come, very soon.




This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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