Posts Tagged ‘Friendship


It’s always been him

Did you ever have someone that touched you in a way that no one else ever has? That is “The artist” for me. He was my high-school sweetheart I guess you could say. We met when I was 15, he was 14… but of course he lied and said he was 15, at that age, guys never want to be younger than the girl they like. We instantly knew each other, it was always comfortable. I don’t remember a lot of details because I did a lot of “experimentation” back then, my memory is foggy. I do remember making out with him in my bedroom, in the game room, and all over my house. I never had sex with him though, it wasn’t that I was a virgin (long story, I won’t ever go into), but I wasn’t ready, I loved him, too much, so much that I couldn’t handle what I felt at such a young age. I was selfish, as I still am, I wanted him for myself, but didn’t want to have him in that way.


We didn't go, but we couldda looked all cute like this, love the 90's...

The artist was my best friend in the world, we talked on the phone daily for hours. No matter how bad my day was, no matter how much I cried, he made me smile, he made me forget it all, and no matter what, he understood and took my side. There was  a girl that was my friend once, she use to take me to see him on her moped on the service road along a major busy highway against traffic. One day we got into a fight over who was wearing the only helmet on the way back, I threw the helmet at her, I wasn’t wearing the stupid thing, and it all went to hell from there where she was concerned. It turned out she wanted the artist when we had met him, but I claimed him as “mine” and he only had eyes for me. She later turned into my high-school bully… I know, shocking that I had a bully considering who I am today. She asked him to homecoming shortly after that, we didn’t even go to the same school, he of course told me and told her no. On new years eve we couldn’t be together, something about him being grounded I think, and I had met a guy from another school, and cheated on him. Hold up… I didn’t sleep with the guy! I just made out with him for like an hour, he was a very cool guy! But needless to say, I felt horrible the next day, I told the artist what I had done. He was furious with me, he said he’d cheat on me three times to teach me a lesson. I don’t know that he did, as we grew up, he said he was just bluffing, but I don’t know if that was to spare my feelings or not.

I broke up with him shortly after that, it wasn’t the whole “cheating” thing, I just thought I didn’t love him anymore, I needed to be a teenager and date lots of boys. He was the first guy to ever send me roses. I remember it clearly, I came home from school and there were roses on the stairs on the landing of the house. My step dad had accepted them on my behalf, and said “you got roses today”. I was humiliated, not sure what other word describes how horrible I felt inside for hurting this guy who was begging for me to love him back, and I didn’t. I didn’t talk to him for a few months despite his calls. I was so torn inside, my family was fucked up, my mom screwed me up in that department.

We did eventually start talking again, and become friends, good friends. We talked daily I’m sure, he could make me laugh like no one I’ve ever met since. He would ask me to be back together with him sometimes, but I would resist, not sure. We started loosing touch when I went off to college and he didn’t. He had dropped out of high-school, or was kicked out for fighting, with teachers and anyone who challenged him. He had family issues too. I took him to get something up at school after my first semester… I was trying to be someone I was not at that time, it wasn’t pretty, and he was also not sure who he was, and it felt like we lost our connection. We didn’t talk after that.

I went on with my life, lost touch with him, but thought about him a lot, wondered where he was, how he was, if he had ever gotten over me. We had been so close for five very crucial years of my life and of his, he was a big part of me becoming me. He was gone and I didn’t know how to find him. Well, thanks to the powers of social networking, the interwebz, I found him 3 years ago on myspace, which shortly after I abandoned since it was riddled with teenagers and drama. But during that time, he told me he was engaged, to be married in a few months and couldn’t resume our friendship the way it had been as to not upset his new bride to be. It hurt, I’ll admit it, I hoped I could be close to him again, I love him, I will always love him, maybe not in that romantic way, but in a deeper way that I’ve never felt for anyone since. Maybe it could be romantic now that I’m more mature, but it will never be. I accepted it, I’m actually really happy for him that he’s happy, that he got over me and how I hurt him, I know I did.

It still hurts, it’s totally selfish since I know I’m “the one that got away” for him, and I want him to want me, and I want to want him, and I want to be close to him again. I can’t, I can’t risk messing up his happiness, because I’m so screwed up myself, what if I screwed up his marriage and then didn’t want him? I can’t do that. But what brings this up is I found him on facebook tonight, he accepted my friend request in a matter of seconds. I can’t describe how it made my heart sink so fast, the pain I felt knowing how fast he did that, and wondering how his marriage is. The temptation to screw that up for him, to butt into his life for my own selfish wants is horrible. I’m a bad person for wanting him this way. I miss him, something terrible, I want to hear his voice. He had video’s posted one where he’s playing with someone’s baby, not his, and he’s talking and I started crying, I miss that voice.

He’s a pretty successful artist now, amazingly talented, he’s happy. Reading his page, then his website, it was like reading my own heart and mind, it’s amazing how we still think on the same wavelength, still want the same things in life. I had it all at 15 and threw it all away. I’m not sure where we stand as friends, I’m hoping his wife is more secure now in their relationship and can stand some form of communication between us. Even if nothing can ever be more than a distant friendship, I’m okay with that and will never of course tell him how I feel for him still, twenty years later. It’s been a few days since he added me and I wrote most of this, and we haven’t really talked, at all. I said hi to him on his wall, and got a one word reply, I’m guessing she is still not happy about us being friends. That really sucks.


A new kind of friendship

He would be so much cooler if he were a dinosaur.

I reopened my cupid account over a week ago, not for dating purposes, as I’ve stated I’m broken in that department, but I opened it to make new friends. A lot of my girlfriends are not use to this deeper darker side of me, they want me t be bubbly, happy, and in love again, so they stay away when I’m unable to fake it enough. They also don’t want to do the crazy activities I want to do in order to have some sense of freedom again, fear of heights, falling, injury, and other excuses. So I embarked on making some new friends that did want to do some new exhilarating activities with me, and that understood that I am not always a happy person right now, but are okay with my silences.

Of course immediately upon reopening my account, before I could change settings, I was bombarded with IM’s and messages. But then I got one, who was like me, not looking for anything romantic, just a new friend, maybe someone who could understand him and not push him to want what he’s not ready for. He’s quite a bit younger than me, and I think for some reason that makes it better for me, to know I have no romantic interest in him. We’ve been emailing since late last week, revealing who we are, our dreams and fears, bad habits, families, friends, etc.. it’s kinda comfortable. Nice having someone to talk to that doesn’t push me to not be me, to be happy all the time, or to even talk back if I don’t feel like it. He doesn’t want to fix me like some of the other guys who messaged me, he’s not even trying to get laid, he just likes talking to me. It’s nice, for a few hours a day when we are emailing I feel some sort of comfort, an ease to my burden, just being myself.

I don’t think there is any chance of us feeling any romantic feelings for each other, so the pressure isn’t there, either to convince someone to like us, or to keep someone away because they do. I thought being friends with a male would be as easy as with a female, and I wonder, if I made friends with a new girl, and felt this closeness to her, if the same pain would show up again? It’s hard for me to feel close to anyone besides those already established in my life. I think maybe thinking my heart is gone, done for, smashed to little pieces was wrong, I think some of it was still there, because I do love my friends still, and loving them doesn’t hurt. Maybe letting a new friend in though is going to be harder than I thought, even though I know it’s exactly what I need right now. It’s not like we haven’t discussed our feelings on romantic relationships at this point, we have, each of us has our reasons for not wanting that right now, or from the other.

I haven’t had a really close guy friend since Nate, who was my best friend in high-school and college. We don’t talk now, we lost touch as we grew up, got jobs, moved around and such. He was always in love with me, and I never gave that back to him, he was always like family to me and my best friend. I did find him on myspace a few years ago, he was engaged, and although we had a few brief conversations that were comfortable like an old shoe, his fiance didn’t like the idea of us being close again, and I don’t want to mess that up for him, since it took him so long to find happiness after I left. We are still friends on myspace, but I honestly couldn’t tell you my login or password over there, and haven’t been back in well over 2 years. I wonder if he’s happy still sometimes, I miss him, I wish I could pick up the phone and call him like I use to when I had a bad day, or go pick him up and drive around talking for hours. It was always so effortless with us, I wonder if it would still be that way.

He asked me about my past last night, if being affectionate with friends would bring up too much pain. I did my best to explain without going into the details of why I am the way I am now. He doesn’t need to know, other than to know I am in pain, and don’t want it brought up, and try not to think about it. I told him the level of physical affection I’m comfortable with in my friends, and of course hugging me won’t cause me any pain, I hug all my friends on a regular basis, and touch in the way friends do.

He called me last night from a plane, on his way back from NYC, and my propensity to attract smelly Indian women that wear no deodorant to sit by me has apparently transferred to him, as one practically sat on his lap while we were on the phone, I’m glad that is now his burden not mine. See, making new friends is a good thing. Besides being able to make me smile with his awesomeness and stories of suits and corporate business men, I think he gets me and accepts all my weirdness with no expectations from me to give more than I already am.

This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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January 2020
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