Posts Tagged ‘love

05
Sep
10

holyhangover batman…


When I had a actual hangover yesterday, I posted “holyhangover batman” as my facebook status, my sister’s reply was “Hangovers are like men, the best way to get over one is to get under a new one, drink up bitches!” It made me laugh. Although my reply was something along the lines of reminding her of a bad hangover she had once where the only “getting under another one” was to get back under the covers after puking again and going back to sleep. I thought about the breakup hangover and realized the depth of the hangover depends on how you should react. Sometimes, you get under a new one, and it’s easy, sometimes you puke and get back under the covers for a while, hide so to speak, so that you can recover while drinking a ton of gatorade (which would be spending time with friends in the case of a man hangover). If you use hair of the dog to recover from a bad hangover, you will eventually have to face the hangover when you stop drinking… Is love like getting drunk?

Dating without getting over my broken heart was doing exactly like drinking to get over my hangover, eventually when I stopped, I felt the hangover. I had to crawl under my covers and sleep it off, then I re-hydrated by hanging out with my friends again. I think I’m still hydrating, not ready to drink from the pool of men again, but I’m starting to crave it again, like an alcoholic craves a drink even years after they have had one. I know however it won’t be a good thing for me, so I am refraining from that urge to drink. Well, not alcohol anyway, just the nectar of men, because that hangover doesn’t compare to the one I had yesterday from drinking way too much vodka.

It’s not that I’m afraid of having my heart broke again, I actually recently got over that fear, which is how I allowed it to happen in the first place. I do realize I’d rather have a broken heart than feel nothing at all, how I was for a very long time. I realize that feeling this, hangover, is in fact feeling something, and I would rather feel it than feel nothing. If I turn on the fear again, block it out, become numb again, I could just go date again, but it would mean nothing. I want to feel not only the pain of the hangover, but I want to feel drunk in love again. So, for now, I’ll continue to hydrate myself in an effort to rid myself of this hangover, so that someday I can get drunk again.

31
Aug
10

How about a fresh pot of steaming…


Well, steaming, STEAM! I got one of those spam emails this morning, I swear I’ve unsubscribed a few times, they go away about a week and then come back. I’ve mentioned them before, the “dating guru” people. This one really got under my skin, REALLY irritated me. I sat here reading it, picking it apart, every bit of what he said was against everything I believe in. He says he speaks for all men, when really, he speaks for himself, his kind of man, which makes me so glad it’s not the type of man I want. I’m sure some of you men out there and even some women agree with him, I however find what he has to say to be a huge part of what is wrong with relationships, why marriages fail, in this country. I’ll get into that in a minute.

He says in this email ” “Eat, Pray, Love” has been on my mind recently. Not in the least because of the big billboard right outside my house, which says: “You Don’t Need a Man. You Need a Champion.” You like the way that sounds, don’t you? Well, if this line speaks to you… If this is the way you truly feel about relationships… If you really resonate with this and are holding out for no less than your own hero… You’re most likely making a HUGE mistake.” I want to scream at him, ‘HOW DARE YOU!’, but I keep reading, and it gets worse, my rage, seething, and anger are about to peak.

would be nice though... no?

“That’s what you’re holding out for in a man. Fair enough. So, for a moment, I’d like you to imagine a movie designed specifically for men. Not an action movie, not a horror movie. A movie about one man’s perfect love. After years of being trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage to a woman who didn’t want to have a baby, Alex leaves his wife to go find himself. Distraught, he decides to have an adventure. He drives to Vegas. He flies to Ibiza. He journeys to Thailand. Until finally, he discovers the woman who gives him everything he needs. He writes a book: “Drink, Play, F@#%”. Howard Stern and Maxim magazine promote the hell out of it, and Alex sells the movie rights. Soon, it’s in a theater near you. You won’t see it, of course, but you can’t miss the ubiquitous billboards: “You don’t need a woman. You need a pornstar who cooks.” ” All I can think, is this guy has to be kidding, I don’t know many men, at least REAL men who want a pornstar who cooks. What man wants something that is always THAT easy? THIS kind of man, I don’t want in my life. I know without a doubt, not all men, not even most men, feel this way. Maybe a few of you on here do, so I’m not excluding some men, but, let me say, without a doubt, this is not what I want in my life. Not to mention, if the character he described about hating his wife and a sexless marriage is what you are in, omg, DO SOMETHING about it! Holy cow, I can’t even believe these words he said! Of course, it only gets worse…

“Men really DO want the Supermodel/Top Chef/Rhodes Scholar. Women really DO want a hero and a champion. And yet, in order to find happiness, we both must relax our fantasies a little bit. Not because they don’t feel great. They do. The reason to relax your fantasies is because they’re unrealistic, and they almost invariably lead to disappointment.” See, here’s the thing, he makes the assumption that by wanting MY hero, my prince charming, I expect him to be perfect. I don’t expect perfection, far from it, but I’m not willing to live a dull, unfulfilling life with someone who less than meets my expectations because I’m so desperate to not be alone.  I’ve been there, done that, I’ve settled for what this author suggests, it also, doesn’t end well, it ends with me hurting this poor schmuck, because this guy, isn’t what I want. If the “normal” guy wants the pornstar that cooks, but settles for me, and I want a hero and settle for him, neither of us is happy. But I don’t want a ‘hero’, and the guy I want, doesn’t want a pornstar, what we want is eachother, the one we are meant to be with. I think this guy doesn’t get it when he “coaches” women, we want the one that draws us like a magnet, the one that feels the same about us. Maybe there are also a small percentage of women out there who do have unreal expectations, maybe I’m the one who’s different in what my fairytale ending is composed of. I encourage the women to speak up, do you want tall dark and handsome, six figure income, a hero to save you, nobel prize winner, all that and a bag of chips? Or do you just want to find the right one for you, the one that other people may not see anything but ordinary, but was created just for you? I think there is a GREAT misunderstanding with these so called dating coaches/guru’s about what women want. When we turn down guy after guy, it’s not that we are being too picky, it’s that the chemistry just isn’t there, and it’s not something you can force. Yes, you can settle, which is what he encourages, so he is right, and makes money. He also encourages you to change who you are, says you won’t ever find what you are looking for, so you should change to what the man wants… WHAT? That pisses me off.

I blogged about it here,https://driven2batshitcrazy.wordpress.com/2010/08/28/is-love-a-fairytale/ , and as much as I think about it, I still stand by my convictions. Romantic, crazy, foolish, unrealistic… maybe, but I’d rather be all those things than settle and be unhappy and then have to divorce someone, travel around, write a book that becomes a movie and have some guru tell the world I should have stayed with the unhappy marriage that I settled for in the first place. Sorry dude, time to unsubscribe… again.

28
Aug
10

Is Love a Fairytale?


I read a lot about psychology, modern culture, and what’s wrong with society. A common theme among most hypotheses today is that we are wrong to want the fairy tale ending as women, that it doesn’t exist. Blame Disney movies we grew up with, blame Hollywood, blame our imaginations for wanting what doesn’t exist. This notion of the fairytale is supposed to be a modern notion brought to us by a screen and actors, but nothing is real about it. I’m going to challenge this rather popular notion, because the story of the fairy tale, the ever enduring, willing to die for love, starts at the beginning of our written history.

Beginning with Adam and Eve, they defied the all mighty GOD for such a sin as love. We all know the story, or at least the important parts, we get the metaphors, and we understand it’s obviously not a true story, but it is the first love story of sorts to tell us that love, love like this is bad, it seems the writer of this story must have been a nonbeliever. Maybe in the modern day, he would try to tell me that my fairytale isn’t real, that it can never happen? Perhaps, but I think we should move forward in time a bit, or so it would seem since I know that the story I’m about to mention was actually older than the written story of the bible’s Adam and Eve, and all the other, less romantic ones. How about we talk Greek. There are too many stories to list, fairy tales it would seem, more unreal expectations for women to thrust upon less than deserving men. At least that is my opinion. Cupid and Psyche,  Orpheus and Eurydice, Echo and Narcissus, and Pygmalion and Galatea, love stories, fairy tales, fiction… or were they written metaphors for what really happened? Want to skip the Greek’s, ok, lets move on to merry Ole’ England, God Bless the Queen! Lets talk Shakespeare in that case, and the most famous of his love stories, Romeo and Juliet. It is my favorite, not because of some movie with Leo, I loved Shakespeare before it was pop culture, I’ve read this play so many times I can recite most of the lines when I watch almost any version of it being played out. It is of course one of the more tragic love stories, but the moral, the lesson to be learned is not that it’s foolish to love, the lesson is that true love is worth dying for, it’s worth everything. It’s a story that has stood through time, century after century we retell it in a hundred different ways. The lesson is the same. In no particular order, Jane Eyre and Rochester, Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler, Elizabeth Bennett and Darcy, Pocahontas and John Smith, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, Napoleon and Josephine, Tristan and Isolde, Lancelot and Guinevere, Cleopatra and Mark Antony, all love stories across time, I could go on and on and on. 

So lets discuss Disney, it’s my understanding that we should teach young girls that this will never happen, it’s a cartoon, there is no prince charming, and no one will ever love us the way he does, or is it the happy ending that bothers psychologists so much? Should we instead show them Romeo and Juliet instead, show them what can happen, and let them decide if it’s worth it for themselves? How do you teach them the fairy tale can happen, even when it ends, it’s still worth it to fall in love instead of teaching them to marry for practical reasons, to be dull and lifeless, to ignore what is in their hearts? Don’t we do enough to children to stammer their imaginations as they grow up without taking away the fairy tale too?

Why do the naysayers feel so strongly that love this strong isn’t real? It can’t happen? Is it impossible? Or have they just personally given up and settled for what was easy? Maybe it’s not possible for everyone, but I think it’s possible for those that still believe in it. I think when you give up, when you believe what the media says, and let go of your dreams, you won’t find happiness and contentment, you will find you have lost yourself. I suppose there are people out there that just don’t have it in them, they look at us dreamers as crazy, lunatics, as if we live in a fantasy. I think I prefer my fantasy, my stories, and my hope that some day, my prince will come for me. I’d rather go out in a blaze of glory than to have some wet bucket douse my fire.

There is a quote somewhere about the craziest people out there, the ones that believe that anything they dream up can happen are the ones that make their dreams come true. True invention comes from fearless heart, believing in yourself and that your dream can happen. Inventors never say something can’t happen, that it’s impossible, they would never create something unique if they did. This is the way I feel about love. Someday, my prince charming will come, maybe he did and I missed him, but I won’t quit looking for my happy ending, I know it’s out there. All the wet buckets can go find a mop somewhere to suck it up, stay away from my flame!

24
Aug
10

Virtue


World English Dictionary
virtue —  [vur-choo] noun
1. the quality or practice of moral excellence or righteousness
2. a particular moral excellence: the virtue of tolerance
3. any of the cardinal virtues (prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance) or theological virtues (faith, hope, and charity)
4. any admirable quality, feature, or trait
5. chastity, esp in women
6. archaic an effective, active, or inherent power or force

Of the things my mother didn’t teach me, Virtue would be one of them. I’d never consider her a virtuous woman by any means either. She’s been married 5 times, has 2 children with 2 different men. She left my father when I was 5 after having an affair, and my older brother catching her in the act by hiding in the closet with a baseball bat I might add!  Not only did she not practice a chaste life, it was lacking virtue in any way shape or form and she was proud of it. She talked to me as if her exploits as a single woman were normal, ok, and to be expected in this day and age. You know, being a modern woman and all, we shouldn’t deny our urges. I could go on for ages about how fucked up my family is and the lessons I learned as a young woman. But lets just say I can identify with Agustin Burroughs in Running with Scissors, even without ever being left to live with my mothers insane shrink. We had more than enough insanity in our own house. Somehow, I just knew, and thought my whole life “don’t be like this, this is not right”. I’m sure to some extent I caught some of the crazy, the lack of virtue, I’m definitely not a virgin or a saint, but I like to think I know right from wrong.  But, still, I don’t feel my virtue is intact.

Now myself being a modern woman, have formed my own opinions on these matters of right and wrong, chastity, and all the fundamentals of virtue. I’m not sure where I got my ideas from, seeing as they certainly weren’t morals handed down by my mother or father, but somehow I think I’ve figured it out finally. I’m not speaking from a Christian point of view mind you, I’m definitely not “Christian” in the sense I believe Jesus died for our sins, or even that he was in fact the son of god, or real for that matter. However non-christian, agnostic, or whatever you want to call me, I do find value in the lessons the bible teaches. Someone had to tell people not to have sex with farm animals, only have sex with your wife (prevents the spread of diseases), don’t murder, don’t steal, and not only to live this way, but to give them a reason to live this way. I’m sure the promise of heaven wasn’t enough for everyone, reason wasn’t enough, some people need the threat of punishment, the wrath of god. Who better to teach the word of god but his own son? It’s a great idea if you think about it. But, I’m not writing this to begin a philosophical debate on the existence of god or Christianity.

Something I wonder though, can you get virtue back? Or is it one of those things, like virginity, is lost forever? Is it possible for a man to see a woman who’s led a less than virtuous life in her past as pure now? For instance, a woman my age isn’t likely to be a virgin, quite frankly I’d find it a bit strange if I hadn’t made a few mistakes along the way, however, if I were to tell the next man I date that I had no intention of having sex again until I’m married, would he take that seriously? or would he still try figuring that unlike if I were still a virgin I wasn’t serious because I didn’t feel that way in my past? I’m not saying that is what I’m going to do, but I am considering it. Not as some sort of test of faith for the guy, not just because I want to be respected, but because I want HIM to want to respect me that way. Certainly the movies say it can be done, the list is a mile long of movies that show the man falling in love with the sinner, the whore, the bad girl gone good. Pretty woman, Moulin Rouge are the best examples, Gone with the Wind, Maid in Manhattan, Unfaithful, are all close enough. I know tons of guys who go for the bad girl, I mean, clearly if I use my own mother as an example, she’s had no difficulty finding a man, hell they all want to marry her! And she has NO virtue. BUT, as an insider looking at her life, and the level of happiness she has, I know I want more. I want someone who at least treats me as if all my virtue isn’t forever lost.

Growing up in a time where the above video was my role model, I can see where things went wrong for my generation and future generations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s blasphemous and I love it, but should I at 10 or 12 years old have been looking up to this woman? Singing this in the mirror and dressing like her? Or should my mother have at least had a conversation with me about what’s wrong with her and the message she is sending and not allowed my mimicry of her? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations now, I don’t know? But I think for the act of love you should be in love. And if there is any chance of regaining my virtue, I plan on trying.

As I always encourage responses, I do not wish to be preached to about what the bible says and doesn’t say, or anything about the philosophy of religion. Please keep your religious views to yourself if they intend to convert or condemn. If you choose not to, I will delete that type of comment.

20
Aug
10

Coward


Main Entry: coward

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: person who is scared, easily intimidated

Synonyms: alarmist, baby, caitiff, chicken heart, chicken liver, chicken, craven, cur, dastard, deserter, faint-of-heart, faintheart, fraidy-cat, funk, gutless, invertebrate, jellyfish, lily liver, malingerer, mouse, pessimist, poltroon, quitter, rabbit, recreant, scaredy cat, shirk, shirker, skulker, sneak, weakling, white liver, wimp, yellow belly, yellow.

My favorite of these are lily liver and yellow belly. Those are just a few words I can use to describe at least 90% of the men I’ve dated, my friends have dated, hell that my mother has married. My friend Vol was dating my neighbor Deere. They met back in May at my graduation party, he was instantly smitten with her, almost speechless around her. She was hesitant about him because well, he’s 25 and she’s older, and she’s just come out of some pretty rough times of her own with an abusive husband she’s still in hiding from. Deere was stuck to her like glue, for months, I rarely saw him come home except to get clean clothes to go back to her house. Then while she was on vacation at the beach with her mother he was home, then when she got back, he was different. She said he barely talked to her while she was gone and when she asked why, he grew even more distant. After I talked with his roommate, aka. my hairdresser and awesome, she said Deere thought Vol was about to drop the “L” bomb! hahahahahah. Maybe Vol was going to drop the L bomb, but she denies it to me. So Vol has a talk with Deere, and tries to clear the air of all pressure on him. A week later after things had been normal again, he stops calling, answering her calls, and even ignores her when she’s sitting next to him in traffic and honks at him and calls! He refuses to acknowledge she exists suddenly. I don’t know why, I really don’t care, he’s too much of a coward to end a relationship with a woman he’s spent at least 5 nights a week with for several moths, he officially SUCKS.

They haven’t talked in 2 weeks, she came over last Friday and Saturday. I saw him Thur. night when I walked the dog the last time and said “look, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but Vol is coming over tomorrow night and it would be nice if you two could exchange personal property with out it being uncomfortable, how about you just leave her stuff on my patio and she’ll do the same with yours?” he agreed. Friday night, he didn’t leave her stuff, so she didn’t deliver his. He was home, she was freaked. I encouraged her to go over there, knock on the door, and ask him to come out and go for a walk and talk to her like a man. I mean, come on, this is the stupidest thing EVER. What grown ass man does this crap. Oh ya, I forget, ALL OF THEM! Seriously… grow a pair dude.

The worst part, what I know would happen if she did this, he would lie to her, tell her he’s sorry and they should work things out, he still cares about her and everything is ok and he’ll call her tomorrow. Then, he’d do the SAME.DAMN.THING! He’d go right back to ignoring avoiding her at all costs. Pathetic. All she wants is closure. Why don’t men get that? Closure shouldn’t be so hard to give us. Why is it so hard to tell us that you aren’t interested in us anymore? You don’t have to analyze it to death, if you don’t want to tell us why, don’t, but tell us it’s over, have some balls man! And then you wonder why you think all women are crazy? why all your ex’s are crazy? HELLO? REALLY? You don’t think it has ANYTHING, everything to do with the disappearing act? the avoidance? the “fraidy-cat, lily liver, invertebrate, jellyfish” manner in which YOU handle things with us?

Main Entry: cur

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: rotten, lowly animate being

Synonyms: black sheep, blackguard, bum, cad, coward , dog, good-for-nothing, heel, hound, ne’er-do-well, rat, riffraff, scoundrel, scum, skunk, snake, stinker, toad, villain, worm, wretch, yellow dog.

Maybe these are better terms for the kind of men I’m speaking of? But what I want to know is, are there any other kind? Do the real men we fantasize about as women really exist at all? I thought some men wrote movies, they write the characters that women want to be with, they know what we want, and yet where are these men? Maybe I’m delusional, maybe they are all married already, maybe they just don’t live in this country. I really have no idea anymore. And this isn’t just about closure, it’s about romance too. So many men and yes women too, are so scared to reveal their emotions, for fear they will make the other person run and do what Deere did to my friend. We shouldn’t have to be afraid of that, it just seems so utterly ridiculous to me that adults act this way. Why can’t a man allow himself to fall for a woman without over thinking it to death, why can’t the woman let him with out freaking out and running? And why can’t the woman when she falls back be allowed to show it? Where is the everlasting devotion in this century?

I know I’ve blogged about how I’m broken, I really am, I have nothing left to give to anyone at this point. I have spent most of my life giving and giving to my friends, always being there for them in their hour of need, I finally hit the point of nothing left to give to anyone. I think I’m glad my true friends recognize this about me and are there for me right now, they are giving to me now that I need it, and I appreciate it, but it still doesn’t change the emptiness I feel inside, no matter how great they are. You can’t warm a heart that doesn’t exist anymore. I go through the motions every day, doing what is expected of me, putting on a smile and fake conversation at work, try to hang out with friends, but really no one wants to hang out with someone who has nothing to say, nothing to give back. THIS ^ above what I talked about it, is part of it, being fed up.

Main Entry:     hopeless

Part of Speech:     adjective

Definition:     futile, pessimistic

Synonyms:     bad, beyond recall, cynical, dejected, demoralized, despairing, desperate, despondent, disconsolate, discouraging, downhearted, fatal, forlorn, gone, goner, helpless, ill-fated, impossible, impracticable, in despair, incurable, irredeemable, irreparable, irreversible, irrevocable, lost, menacing, no-win, past hope, pointless, sad, shot down, sinister, sunk, threatening, tragic, unachievable, unavailing, unfortunate, unmitigable, up the creek, useless, vain, woebegone, worsening.

I’m not sure what I will get out of writing today’s blog, probably nothing more than a way for me to whine and vent and let go of some of the anger building inside me. I suppose anger is better something, it’s not emptiness. But soon after the anger resides, I’m hollow again.

16
Aug
10

Broken


That is what I am now. I understand the hole in my chest I’m feeling now. I’ve been knocked down so many times, had my heart broken so many times, it’s now shattered, too many tiny pieces to try to put it back together again, I can’t get back up again. With each piece that was left I tried to get back up, use what was left to make it whole again, like a lizard regrows a tail, until finally, every last part is broken, gone and there is nothing left to regrow. That is the hole. It’s not a specific person or heartbreak, it’s the sum of all of them, even the little disappointments, chipping away, what I thought was mending was only going to take another sliver. I just don’t have the strength to get back up again.

This doesn’t come from recent heartbreak, it’s not from Brown, I never loved him, I barely liked him, he was though, another disappointment, the last little speck of my heart that was left, was spent trying to like him, to regrow the heart I had once upon a time. I expressed my pain to all men in my letter to him, the one I never sent and posted on here. He was however never worthy of my love, not that I had any left to give. I gave my last bit of love, my heart, to Mr. NY, and although I believe he did love me in return, he ruined that piece I gave to him, crushed it with lies and manipulation. I told him goodbye, he left the country, and those fences are not ones that can be mended. What’s done is done and I don’t regret saying what I said.

Yes, I burn, yearn, ache for true love. I fear, I know, if it finds me, I’m too broken that I’ll have nothing left to give. That part of me is missing, and I can’t share that anywhere but here. So I’ve come to a conclusion that I have to move. There is nothing left for me here, moving here in the first place was a mistake. It’s contributed to crushing what little spirit I had left in me, and all the love I had left was also lost here. I can’t look at this place anymore, I hope that if I can get far far away, some shred of who I am can be found and rebuilt. This is something I know I need to do, I need to do it alone, and maybe if I can’t rebuild who I was, I can start from scratch and build a new me, but I can’t do it here.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” — Washington Irving

13
Aug
10

Melancholy


I guess you could say I have it. I feel quiet inside, very still, somber somehow. I feel like through this mood, I’m still searching for something in my mind, another elusive epiphany maybe? No wait, that doesn’t describe it exactly either… it’s an aching, like there is a hole, part of me missing, lost, gone maybe?

It’s Friday the 13th, I believe in fact the last one of the year, the next one, next year in May, my sister will be getting married. I believe sometime after that, my other sister will be married as well. I think all my siblings being married short the one I disowned and will probably be married before me anyway, has me thinking. I wonder if I ask too much in a soul mate, a partner for life, if I should settle for less. Did they settle for less, or did they somehow seem to find exactly what I’ve been searching for my whole life? If they found it, why can’t I? Or did I and I screwed it up, letting it slip through my fingers without realizing it? I don’t know the answers to these questions, I think I don’t want to know.

I didn’t ever want to get married, I was ok with just finding “him”, my soul mate, the one I was meant to be with forever. But for some reason, probably hormonal, I started to think I wanted a family and kids and a husband. I’m not sure why for a few months I thought that, but I think it has a lot to do with what is expected of me. I think I’m back to myself again, the hormones are under control, and despite my quest to find “him”, I don’t want to marry him, I don’t feel the need to have kids anymore. My only want is what it has always been, to not settle, to find the one I know I’m meant to be with and then be with him until the day we die. It’s not that I feel incomplete, well right now I do (which is entirely new to me), but I’ve always felt like a whole person, just that part of me aches, burns, and hurts. I wish I could better express the aching in my heart that I feel ever waking hour, that has always been there, that never leaves the back of my mind, that I’ve lived with as long as I can remember. It’s always been there, even when I was too young to understand it, and I am usually able to push it deep down away from where anyone can see it, usually. Everyone sees the smiling me, the happy me, no one has ever truly seen what’s inside, I’m not sure how they would handle me if they did, but I think I wish someone could. I think I wish there was a “him” that I could share this with, who would understand instead of running away. This is just a small glimpse, of craziness, of pain, of sadness, that is always just under the surface of my smiles and nervous chatter. My art always showed a glimpse of it, but I stopped making art, it became too painful when other people saw it and knew what was inside me, especially those I loved, it hurt them to know that I hurt, it scared them to see the depths of me.

Maybe that is my destiny, to walk the earth alone, searching and never finding. Maybe there is a bigger picture for me to find along the way, something else that I’m not seeing right now. I keep finding myself speechless, nothing to say to anyone, just wanting to run away from here right now. A distraction would be good for me if I could afford the airfare or time off work.

Right now, I can’t fake it, and I know I need to by tonight, a friend needs me to be the smiling strong face she knows while she’s in a bad place. So I’m going to do my best, to kick my own ass to smile, put on the strong front I always do of the strong, smart, independent woman everyone tells me I have to be. And when my friend leaves, and I’m alone, I’ll go for a walk, in the dark, and break down again.

07
Aug
10

Lots of thinking today


There was a picture on here of me, but since my blog was recently forwarded to me by someone on facebook that didn’t read back or realize it was my blog but was just forwarding a funny post of mine, I had to delete all personal stuff that could be tracked back to me, sorry. 😦

This morning’s email did a number on me, initial reaction was that I’m mad, I still am mad, but I am getting over it. It was better for me to have said what I said than to cling to any hope he would do what he said he was doing, or to forget he’s a liar. I think the reason I fell so hard for him was that no one has said the things he said to me in such a long time. I miss that, even if it wasn’t true and he was just a manipulator. I miss someone being in love with me, saying beautiful things to me, dedicating songs to me. It felt a lot like first love, like I had never felt like that before. Remember when you were young/er, and you had that first spark of real love with a guy that had it back with you? Remember how you both couldn’t get enough of touching each other, not in a dirty way, but breathing each other in.

The best way I can describe it is in reference to Twilight, I just read it last week, and I haven’t ever read anyone describe falling in love quite the way it is in this book. I can’t even accurately describe how she describes it. The way Edward touches Bella, it evokes a feeling of realness. When I was with Mr. NY, that is how he made me feel. And it was fun, the wrestling, tickling, private jokes, laughter, secrets we told each other, looking into each others eyes and promising that we’d be together forever.  I can still feel that, just a little for him when I remember the good times. When I fell for him he said he was scared to get hurt, but “you separate the men from the boys by those that are willing to try again”. I had tears in my eyes from something someone said to me, that has NEVER happened to me. That was one of 100 beautiful things he said to me. He was if anything, a smooth talker.

But reality sinks in, and it’s like a thousand bricks come tumbling down with a loud crash, and what I’m left with is nothing but lies and disbelief, and a lot of dust. I want that feeling back damn it! I deserve to have that feeling back! I’m angry he did this to us, to me! Mostly, I’m angry at myself. I realize I had a wall up for 12 years after my first love broke my heart. This guy didn’t tear it down, he climbed over it. When he hurt me, it came crashing down as I realized that even having that wall up all this time didn’t protect me from someone who knew how to scale it, that was a professional climber and thief. The realization that I can be hurt, just as bad, if not more, if I kept the wall up, and continued to lie to myself, finally tore it down.

this was my cold black heart

So I become someone else, someone new. I’m not sure who the new me is yet. I’m not sure how to love someone, I don’t know what it should feel like when someone is honest with me and doesn’t have to work to climb a wall to get to my heart. I am glad this happened though, it awoke my heart. I had forgotten what it was like to fall in love with someone. Before him, I was so bitter, so jaded, I swore I’d never get married, that marriage was for suckers. It was a good defense mechanism, it served it’s purpose to get me through school and what I needed at the time. It also probably destroyed a few attempts at relationships over the last few years. I realize my friends, family, hell even people reading this may hate Mr. NY now. But I can see something good come out of this in the end. Me.

Going through all this, new found heart I guess you could call it, has me at a place in my life I’ve never been before. I think I’m ok with it though, not knowing what will happen next. It feels kind of out of my control, which isn’t a feeling I’ve ever liked, but I let it go, and somehow, I still feel ok not having control. I kind of feel like a weight has been lifted, I feel carefree.

06
Aug
10

Law of Attraction? or not?


Thinking about the article below, how it’s affected my relationships with the opposite sex, it brings me back to this whole self fulfilling prophecy thing again. The only issue I have with the Universal Law of Attraction is that I fear for myself at least, keeping such a positive focus on the future and what I want, would I not become prone to having the proverbial wool pulled over my eyes so to speak? Yet, looking for signs as I do, that someone is lying, being deceptive, and keeping my guard up, does that not according to this hypothesis bring just that into my life? This is my struggle right now. I want to be positive, it’s in my nature to want to be trusting and to want the beautiful perfect life, but am I a fool to not self protect a little?

I have thought about this with regards to the last few attempted relationships. Mr. NY, when I was open to anything, to happiness, he fell in love with me (or at least said he did), but when I worried because he went home and his behavior changed slightly after 24 hours, he became the liar I had thought he would be. Next up were a string of guys I dated casually that met all of my expectations of being scum bags. Then there was “Napoleon” (ya, he was short), he was really awesome, but like most short men, lied about his height, when we met, even though I liked him, I knew getting over Mr. NY that I was bound to rebound and hurt the next guy, so what did I do? exactly what I thought, found a nice guy, hurt him, and moved on. Then Brown comes along, I was back to healed, open, dating, and seeing what was out there, being objective. I wasn’t turned off by him, but didn’t really have any thoughts on him in particular. He didn’t seem overly zealous over me, which was a relief, but I did want to get to know him. Once we had the “horrible sex”, the way too soon sex, my mind went to worrying that it was too soon, that he’d now freak out and move on. It was exactly what happened, and I don’t think had I not worried about it, had I been cas. about it, he probably would have been too. I won’t even bring up the gay man, ok, I will, I think Browns conventional views and having a problem openly with my open minded views made me look for someone, subconsciously the opposite, and the gay man that participated in mass orgies, was JUST that! Then S shows up, after Brown lied to me about being busy working when he was really on okcupid. S is the epitome of a liar, I think after the last few experiences with liars, I was in the mindset all men are liars, but really, not like this. Nothing S told me was true I don’t think, he was a sick sick individual. Did I invite all of this? Can I reverse any of it? What are your thoughts?  I’d like to hear what other people think about the power of thoughts and what their balance is.

The Universal Law of Attraction
By Mohammed | January 11, 2007

It’s a common phenomenon. Almost everyone can relate. You start looking for a new car, something special, something not like anyone else’s, something unusual. You pick out what seems to be a unique, unusual choice of a special red car and all of a sudden, there it is– your red car, the one you thought was only yours. It’s on every street corner. It is at every stoplight. You see three of these red cars just driving down the freeway. You never saw these cars before. What happened? How did all of these people get your unique red car at the same time?

Well the fact of the matter is that your brain is seeing the red cars that were always there. Since you picked out this car for yourself, that car has become special for you and now you are noticing what was really there all along.

It’s called the “Reticular Activation System” or RAS. It is the part of your brain that automatically filters out what is not important to you and brings your attention to things that are important to you. We all have it. Many a Mom will tell you that they can pick out their own child’s voice within the chorus of many children’s voices. A Mom will be sleeping soundly through noise from many directions and her baby makes a small whimper and she’s wide-awake. Our brains automatically filter what is important and what is not important to us.

Basically the Reticular Activation System is how the Law of Attraction works. We get what we focus on; we create what we think about and the RAS system of our brains just helps this process along.

There are so many misconceptions regarding the Law of Attraction. It seems odd that if this is a Universal Law why people tend to argue with it. Nobody argues with gravity. Of course, gravity is not nearly so misunderstood.

The Law of Attraction is not a new concept. It has been with us since ancient times, which only makes sense if it is a Universal Law. It is mentioned in the Bible
“For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”
Proverbs 23:7

Buddha taught about the Law of Attraction
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become”
Buddha 562-483 B.C.

In the early part of the 20th century many books were written about the Law of Attraction, such as “As a Man thinketh” by James Allen, “The Master Key” by Charles Haanel and one of the most popular books of all time “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.

Yet there are those who still argue and express their disbelief. A common argument is that proponents of the Law of Attraction claim that all they have to do is think their lofty thoughts and all of their dreams come true. This could not be further from the truth. The thoughts create the opportunities and the ideas AND the motivation and inspiration to take the ACTION to make it come true.

The Joy in creating comes from developing and dreaming in your own mind but a large part of the FUN of creating comes from the Action taken. Not many achievers are content to sit on the beach and dream of success. There is no fun and there is no challenge in that. It’s a joy to dream the dream, to be attracted to the way and to take the action to make your dreams come true. Sitting on the beach daydreaming may be fun for an hour or two but how boring to live a life like that. Taking action to create your dreams is where the fun and joy in creating comes, not just from the dreams in your own mind.

So Dream the Dream and your RAS will take over and you will be inspired and guided on the right action to take. Take the Action and the Law of Attraction will bring your dream to you.

This article is included in the January 21, 2007 edition of the The Personal Development

05
Aug
10

Love is not a coldplay song


At least it shouldn’t be. Can I blame all my dating woes on a band? It sure would make things easier than taking personal responsibility for my failures. I mean, who really thinks they can fix someone? Here is a song about a guy who is going to fix this girl who’s hurting from what some asshole guy did to her… does that ever really happen? I sure haven’t ever accomplished fixing someone, not that I wasn’t having a professional therapeutic conversation with. In dating and love “fixing someone” never works, you can’t be someone’s therapist, unless you really are their therapist.

“Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start”

When does this ever happen? really? Does begging someone back ever work? I guess I wouldn’t know, I’ve never tried it. Somehow I picture a woman saying all of this as appearing needy, clingy, desperate and then called “crazy”. But when men beg me back, and they do sometimes, it usually is more along the lines of, telling me they want another chance because I did something wrong, with out ever saying sorry, or admitting any fault of their own, and the answer is always “NO WAY”. Would be nice to have one ask me back in this way, but like I said, love is definitely not a coldplay song.

“Nobody said it was easy” But why, why can’t it just be a little easy? I mean, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if we were all honest instead of saying “I’ve just been busy” or “I didn’t get your text” or any of the other numerous games we all play when we just aren’t that into someone. I am not saying I’m not guilty, I totally am, sometimes I just don’t want to deal with hurting someone’s feelings, because it’s not easy. Lets face it, some people don’t take rejection well, it’s why so many of us women online don’t reply with the polite “sorry I’m not interested” because then we get the “I didn’t like you anyway you stupid fat bitch” message in return. It’s easier to ignore certain people. I get that.

“No one ever said it would be so hard” I was warned growing up by numerous adults that love wasn’t easy, that it was hard work, and that when it’s real, it doesn’t always feel good or like you think it should. I was warned, apparently the majority of men weren’t? I’m the girl, I’m the one that is supposed to believe in the fairytale that will never come true, why do I get stuck being the realist and falling for men who keep looking for that ideal fairytale ending with the perfect princess? Love is hard, it hurts, you question it, you stumble, but you try because the good feelings are worth all the bad times a million.

“If you go, if you go ,Leaving me here on my own ,Well I wait for you” Who really waits? My last boyfriend asked me to wait, a week later he was online, looking for dates and denying it. He also said he was only on vacation and was coming back, not that he had moved back home. My bad for being stupid I guess. But really, do people wait? He has this theme of asking people to wait for him, and saying he’ll wait for them. Wait for what? wait for someone to be ready? what if they never are. In my experience if you wait for someone to be ready, it’s not that they aren’t ready, it’s that they aren’t ready for YOU, they will turn around though in 3 months, meet someone else, and get married to them. So don’t wait, either shit or get off the pot.

Love is most definitely not a coldplay song, I could quote a million other lies lines, oops, … Freudian slip? Perhaps. Maybe it’s just another one of my many rants. But I like my rants. I like writing in this blog. It clears my mind, I’ve been sleeping again, something that was starting to be a problem before I began writing. Back to the coldplay thing, sorry, I got off track. Love isn’t a song, it’s not an idea although it may be idealized. It’s funny that the band I’m comparing happens to be one I listen to a lot. Am I a hypocrite? Possibly. At least I’m honest about my conflicting thoughts and emotions. I put my crazy on the table, I don’t like to hide it away for random emotional outbursts. My mind is like a beehive, all those buzzing bees are thoughts, if I don’t let it out, well, you would really see what crazy was like.





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