Posts Tagged ‘online dating

09
Aug
10

Straight, Straight, ….. kinda?


I’m telling this story because KaPau! reminded me of the typical scene when I go out ends up in similar predicaments as she does. A few months ago, I went out with 2 girlfriends to this really neat bar in a neighborhood in the small city that I usually really like. It was cold outside, so most of the outdoor activities like ping pong, cornhole, and other games are closed or not really getting much use, everyone is inside huddled around the bar. The bar is a long bar to the right of the door when you walk in, kind of an L shape, curving to the right with the corner right by the front door, the short edge kind of in a nook in the corner with a few tables by the front window, a little more cozy there. We walk in and right on the corner of the bar are two lesbians making out, not just kissing mind you, but groping, face swallowing, making out. Little offensive, not because they are gay, I’m just as offended by straight people doing that out in the open. Take it somewhere more private, not right at the front door people, it’s just tacky.

We look around for seats, crap, nothing but over on the short side in the nook… .next to the lesbians. So we grab 3 bar stools and sit. Well at the time I had given up smoking for almost a year, but both of my friends were smokers. So they were up and down going outside to smoke. Finally, the girls stopped making out behind us, and one got up to go to the bathroom, leaving the more masculine of the couple alone. She swings around on her barstool to us, very drunk, and looks at the three of us, points and me and says “Straight”, points at my greek friend and says “Straight”, then points at my redheaded friend (who consequently has the same haircut as the butch girl) and says “Kinda”. “Straight, straight…. kinda”. We all crack up, well except the “kinda” one. She’s offended, she is going through a divorce, she likes men, but I do admit, there are times I’ve wondered about her. Maybe it’s just b/c she’s a powerful woman, an attorney, loudmouth, who loves baseball? Maybe it was the cutting of the hair to that spiky in the back long in the front, very butch cut? Idk… anyway, so very funny. So my friends take off to go smoke, her girlfriend is out with them,  and I’m left with butch… remember, she knows I’m straight, she deemed me straight, no gaydar has ever gone off when someone looks at me, I have zero gay in me short of being the best fag hag on the planet! She scoots up next to my stool and I’m fine being friendly to her, she’s talking about how this isn’t even her girlfriend, this chick she’s with is married and in the closet, then she proceeds to put her hand on my leg, and not only sit it there, slides it up a little too high for comfort! I grab her hand, put it back on her lap and say “no thank you, ‘straight’ remember”. She said “ya, I know, but you are pretty, can’t a girl dream?”…. what the hell, go home dream about me all you want, I don’t care, but do NOT put your hands on me in THAT way. So my friends come back and we kind of ignore her and her lover, when we realize they are gone. Whew…. right?

Not so fast… now there is a guy sitting there with a treble clef tattoo on his neck, crazy eyes, texting furiously, and he keeps looking at ME. Of course, can’t look at my friends, can’t look at the 50 other girls out in the rest of the bar. Instead looking at me, over and over, and every time I look, I can’t help see him because he’s in my line of sight to the rest of the bar where I’m trying to scope for hotties! So now he thinks I’m looking at him. GREAT. Off go my friends again… here he comes, scooting down the bar seats at me. Volunteering immediatly that he is texting with his MOTHER, tellin her he’ll be home by midnight… oh yes folks, it gets worse. Then tells me his mom is a nurse too, and the greatest woman on the planet, he loves nurses, and he never wants to not live with his mom. I got the feeling he would still breast feed from her if he could…. He also said “I'”m not crazy or anything! I mean, I’m bipolar, but I’m not crazy, they let me out of the hospital and said I was ok now”. I’m about to cry at this point, ready to start smoking again, just to be free of this guy! I finally text my friends to PLEASE come back! The Greek comes back, turns out my other friend met a guy outside and is making out with him… guess the “kinda” comment scared her enough to prove there was no “kinda”. Whatever, just SAVE me! So finally I go outside with them to freeze and stand under the heaters… it’s closing time now, and as we turn to walk in, the guy my friend is making out with is behind me and cops a feel of my ass as my friend grabs his other hand to pull him past me! yes, he didn’t just accidentally brush by my ass, he grabbed a handful and made it clear it was intentional. I tell my fiend, she’s hurt, but says she doesn’t really care, he’s here from out of town, and will never see him again anyway, it was just fun to make out. oooook. Can we just leave?

And that is what happens to me when I go out to bars, with my friends. You can see why I chose online dating over the more traditional method of  meeting people?

Here’s a funny, looking for pics of the inside of the place, I found a video of former pres. clinton visiting there, lmao… it starts off with him at the bar and secret service all around him, sitting in the exact spot all the crazies that hit on me that night were in!

07
Aug
10

Lots of thinking today


There was a picture on here of me, but since my blog was recently forwarded to me by someone on facebook that didn’t read back or realize it was my blog but was just forwarding a funny post of mine, I had to delete all personal stuff that could be tracked back to me, sorry. 😦

This morning’s email did a number on me, initial reaction was that I’m mad, I still am mad, but I am getting over it. It was better for me to have said what I said than to cling to any hope he would do what he said he was doing, or to forget he’s a liar. I think the reason I fell so hard for him was that no one has said the things he said to me in such a long time. I miss that, even if it wasn’t true and he was just a manipulator. I miss someone being in love with me, saying beautiful things to me, dedicating songs to me. It felt a lot like first love, like I had never felt like that before. Remember when you were young/er, and you had that first spark of real love with a guy that had it back with you? Remember how you both couldn’t get enough of touching each other, not in a dirty way, but breathing each other in.

The best way I can describe it is in reference to Twilight, I just read it last week, and I haven’t ever read anyone describe falling in love quite the way it is in this book. I can’t even accurately describe how she describes it. The way Edward touches Bella, it evokes a feeling of realness. When I was with Mr. NY, that is how he made me feel. And it was fun, the wrestling, tickling, private jokes, laughter, secrets we told each other, looking into each others eyes and promising that we’d be together forever.  I can still feel that, just a little for him when I remember the good times. When I fell for him he said he was scared to get hurt, but “you separate the men from the boys by those that are willing to try again”. I had tears in my eyes from something someone said to me, that has NEVER happened to me. That was one of 100 beautiful things he said to me. He was if anything, a smooth talker.

But reality sinks in, and it’s like a thousand bricks come tumbling down with a loud crash, and what I’m left with is nothing but lies and disbelief, and a lot of dust. I want that feeling back damn it! I deserve to have that feeling back! I’m angry he did this to us, to me! Mostly, I’m angry at myself. I realize I had a wall up for 12 years after my first love broke my heart. This guy didn’t tear it down, he climbed over it. When he hurt me, it came crashing down as I realized that even having that wall up all this time didn’t protect me from someone who knew how to scale it, that was a professional climber and thief. The realization that I can be hurt, just as bad, if not more, if I kept the wall up, and continued to lie to myself, finally tore it down.

this was my cold black heart

So I become someone else, someone new. I’m not sure who the new me is yet. I’m not sure how to love someone, I don’t know what it should feel like when someone is honest with me and doesn’t have to work to climb a wall to get to my heart. I am glad this happened though, it awoke my heart. I had forgotten what it was like to fall in love with someone. Before him, I was so bitter, so jaded, I swore I’d never get married, that marriage was for suckers. It was a good defense mechanism, it served it’s purpose to get me through school and what I needed at the time. It also probably destroyed a few attempts at relationships over the last few years. I realize my friends, family, hell even people reading this may hate Mr. NY now. But I can see something good come out of this in the end. Me.

Going through all this, new found heart I guess you could call it, has me at a place in my life I’ve never been before. I think I’m ok with it though, not knowing what will happen next. It feels kind of out of my control, which isn’t a feeling I’ve ever liked, but I let it go, and somehow, I still feel ok not having control. I kind of feel like a weight has been lifted, I feel carefree.

05
Aug
10

Love is not a coldplay song


At least it shouldn’t be. Can I blame all my dating woes on a band? It sure would make things easier than taking personal responsibility for my failures. I mean, who really thinks they can fix someone? Here is a song about a guy who is going to fix this girl who’s hurting from what some asshole guy did to her… does that ever really happen? I sure haven’t ever accomplished fixing someone, not that I wasn’t having a professional therapeutic conversation with. In dating and love “fixing someone” never works, you can’t be someone’s therapist, unless you really are their therapist.

“Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start”

When does this ever happen? really? Does begging someone back ever work? I guess I wouldn’t know, I’ve never tried it. Somehow I picture a woman saying all of this as appearing needy, clingy, desperate and then called “crazy”. But when men beg me back, and they do sometimes, it usually is more along the lines of, telling me they want another chance because I did something wrong, with out ever saying sorry, or admitting any fault of their own, and the answer is always “NO WAY”. Would be nice to have one ask me back in this way, but like I said, love is definitely not a coldplay song.

“Nobody said it was easy” But why, why can’t it just be a little easy? I mean, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if we were all honest instead of saying “I’ve just been busy” or “I didn’t get your text” or any of the other numerous games we all play when we just aren’t that into someone. I am not saying I’m not guilty, I totally am, sometimes I just don’t want to deal with hurting someone’s feelings, because it’s not easy. Lets face it, some people don’t take rejection well, it’s why so many of us women online don’t reply with the polite “sorry I’m not interested” because then we get the “I didn’t like you anyway you stupid fat bitch” message in return. It’s easier to ignore certain people. I get that.

“No one ever said it would be so hard” I was warned growing up by numerous adults that love wasn’t easy, that it was hard work, and that when it’s real, it doesn’t always feel good or like you think it should. I was warned, apparently the majority of men weren’t? I’m the girl, I’m the one that is supposed to believe in the fairytale that will never come true, why do I get stuck being the realist and falling for men who keep looking for that ideal fairytale ending with the perfect princess? Love is hard, it hurts, you question it, you stumble, but you try because the good feelings are worth all the bad times a million.

“If you go, if you go ,Leaving me here on my own ,Well I wait for you” Who really waits? My last boyfriend asked me to wait, a week later he was online, looking for dates and denying it. He also said he was only on vacation and was coming back, not that he had moved back home. My bad for being stupid I guess. But really, do people wait? He has this theme of asking people to wait for him, and saying he’ll wait for them. Wait for what? wait for someone to be ready? what if they never are. In my experience if you wait for someone to be ready, it’s not that they aren’t ready, it’s that they aren’t ready for YOU, they will turn around though in 3 months, meet someone else, and get married to them. So don’t wait, either shit or get off the pot.

Love is most definitely not a coldplay song, I could quote a million other lies lines, oops, … Freudian slip? Perhaps. Maybe it’s just another one of my many rants. But I like my rants. I like writing in this blog. It clears my mind, I’ve been sleeping again, something that was starting to be a problem before I began writing. Back to the coldplay thing, sorry, I got off track. Love isn’t a song, it’s not an idea although it may be idealized. It’s funny that the band I’m comparing happens to be one I listen to a lot. Am I a hypocrite? Possibly. At least I’m honest about my conflicting thoughts and emotions. I put my crazy on the table, I don’t like to hide it away for random emotional outbursts. My mind is like a beehive, all those buzzing bees are thoughts, if I don’t let it out, well, you would really see what crazy was like.


05
Aug
10

crap…. thought I’d have nothing to blog today


But I guess I do, I’ll try to keep it short. No word from Brown, don’t know if he got the sunglasses yesterday or not, I guess it can take 2 days via regular mail, hell I’ve had bills from right down the road not get to me until after they are due, we have serious USPS problems in this area for some reason. SERIOUS. I also, kind of think that if he’s in the mindset that he thinks I was clingy or needy, that he will think it was just another desperate attempt at contact, which it wasn’t. I honestly don’t think he’s “the one”, I had however hoped at least at one point, we would be friends in the end. I am to tell the truth a little disappointed at that. But I have other friends, so it’s fine I guess. I figure if he doesn’t say anything by tonight, he got them, thinks I’m clinging, and won’t even say thanks. But I’m assuming he does have them after today, and I’m not going to think about it again.

I hadn’t heard from “S” since Tuesday when I never replied to his text that night asking if I was done with my training. oops. Last night I got drunk on 3 beers while reading Twilight. It was a great evening alone. I figured I was free of him, that he got the message. Apparently not. He just texted asking what I’m doing tonight. I really don’t want to deal with it at work. I never deal with drama at work. And when I tell him I don’t intend to talk to him again, I’m positive it will be BIG drama. The kind where he says I’m ugly, fat, and he didn’t like me anyway. That is his style with women when he’s rejected. ugh… so ya, not doing it at work. NOT. AT. WORK!

I still don’t really know what I’m doing out there as far as dating. I think I’ve kinda put it all on hold for the next week or so. I’m considering match.com still, but it’s only a consideration at this point. I’m still very put off by online dating, lying men, non-committal men, and my reactions to it all. I want to find the right guy, but I’m tired of looking for it. I’m actually enjoying sitting at home with my beer and book in the evenings, not feeling like I’ve got a million things to do and people I’m obligated to see a few days a week, it was wearing me out. But, with being done with Twilight as of today, wanting to start New Moon and not having it yet, I’ll clean house tonight and feel bored again, and I’m sure, start to look around for some form of entertainment which never bodes well for me. Maybe I’ll go buy New Moon tonight and see what else is good at the bookstore. I guess I’ll do anything to avoid cleaning the house and cat boxes. ;-P

04
Aug
10

Updates and such


So we’ll start with the Liar “S”, he called twice last night, the first time I was on the phone with a friend in Cali who had captured 3 weird bugs that were freaking her out in a jar and we were screaming like little girls trying to figure out what they were… good times. The next time I was in bed, dozing off, but still reading Twilight (ya, I just got around to that book). Then he texted, saying he thinks he got his texting fixed. I ignored all of it, till this morning. The conversation follows.

Me: Yes, I got ur message this morning, phone was on silent, went to be early, at work now.

(ok, I lied… but I figure if he can lie like 700 times, what’s one little lie about ignoring him gonna hurt?)

S: Cool… I was just making sure it’s fixed now

Me: What was wrong with it? Had to restart ur phone? Mine is a spaz sometimes, I just turn it off and on and it fixes the problem

S: Some how ATT took away my texting so I had to call them and yell a little… so what are your plans after work?

Me: Job training tonight for my temp job 😀

(I really intended to do this tonight, but my tummy got really upset from eating junk food for lunch, which I never do)

S: Cool.. maybe tomorrow we can meet up at <insert local restaurant here>

I got the last text while on my way to the fat Dr. Which I’ll talk about in a little while, cause it’s awesome. But I didn’t reply, cause I was driving 70 mph in traffic, then I just forgot, oops. So if he texts or calls, I have to tell him. “I’m not interested in meeting you now, you lied to me, which is a deal breaker. You said your texting was working fine, you were texting other people with out problem, it was just me you couldn’t text, then when you were desperate to get in touch with me, you texted with a lame excuse that doesn’t match up, I don’t date liars, maybe you should consider that with the next girl you meet. Honesty is always the best policy.”

Crap… he just texted again, asking if I was done with my online training…. ugh…

NEXTTTTTTTT….. I sent Browns’s  sunglasses today, snail mail, but I figure they will get there tomorrow, he’s only like 14 miles away. (I forgot I had his address still in my gps from the first time I drove over there, so I just used that to mail them). He’s still on okcupid A LOT, and despite what I great guy I think he is, he blew it, which makes me sad. He lied to me, and maybe it wasn’t to get in my pants, it was to spare my feelings when he had a change of heart, but I’m not sure I find that acceptable, even though on occasion I am guilty of it too. And even then, he could have had the balls to say “I’m sorry, my feelings changed, I’m not interested in seeing you anymore.” I hate cowards as much as liars. I enclosed a very short note in the package that said only “wanted to get these back to you. Sorry things didn’t work out, but it was probably for the best, I guess sometimes things happen for a reason.” and added a smiley face and signed it. Was it nice? no… it was bitchy in disguise. It was ambiguous, it was cold and uncaring, and he’ll wonder what it means forever. I know, I know… but revenge is a dish best served cold. I could have smashed them to bits, but then who still has the upper hand? I like to end things the way they started, with me having all the hand. 😀 I figure he’ll text me and say thanks, I won’t reply. I have nothing to say.

So, no other prospects right now, maybe I’ll go to the local bar that has dollar beer tomorrow night, find a dollar redneck or two…Sometimes this really hot separated customer of mine goes in there on Wed. nights, but he seems scared of me, despite being flirty. Maybe I need to be more flirty? Eh…we’ll see.

Oh… the fat Dr. I go to a weight loss clinic, I gained like 30 lbs. over the course of a few years while in school. Going to work all day, school all night, I didn’t have time to cook anything, I was so on the go I rarely grocery shopped, every meal was eaten out. So, in the last 2 months since I saw my horrible graduation pictures, I’ve lost 20. I take Phentermine and Hcg shots. Today was my 3rd visit and my last month on the pills, then they taper me off, but I figure I can drop the last 10 lbs. this month so when they taper me I can drop another 5 as a buffer for when I’m off them. The pills make me happy, not hungry, full of energy, and well… buzzed sometimes. I likey! But they are addictive, they are amphetamines (I don’t deny what I know as a nurse), so I will have to stop taking them and manage my weight like I use to. Down side, they made me start smoking again, I had quit for over a year, but the pills make me crave it like a crack fiend craves crack. So I’ll have to quit

03
Aug
10

Lies


Does anyone tell the truth anymore? Why would you want to start a relationship based on lies? After the whole “you don’t get my texts” crap, he’s decided it’s best to just call me. Honestly, I prefer real communication on the phone, so that is fine, and if that is your preference, just say so. I get that things get misunderstood by text, so I try to limit it in any relationship. But S called me today while I was at work, I had to hit ignore, and called him back when I got home. He told me how he just bid on a guitar on ebay and won for $500. Then the next sentence said how broke he was and had to sell a few things… ??? wait… what? Last time we talked he told me he worked 4 months a year and got paid a years salary. Last night I found out he has 2 roommates. Now I wonder, do I want to meet this guy? A 33 yr. old man that needs roommates? Then he brags about driving in his convertible mustang a few minutes later. I’m truly confused. He also brought up they are opening an Adam and Eve store in our little town, I guess trying to turn the conversation to sex. Which I find highly inappropriate at this point in knowing him, other than to say, I’m not having sex with you.

What do I think right now? I think he lies. I think he is hiding things. I don’t think I want to meet him now. I was looking forward to meeting him, now… eh… not really. I think he thought he could be the player, he could hit it and quit it. I don’t think he knows that I’m on to him yet. I told him how I busted the other guy that I talked to trying to impress me and talking inappropriately, so he’s having to change his strategy and he’s in uncharted territory since that is his usual game. I don’t like this. He was going into Target, said he’d call me back, I kind of hope he doesn’t. I hope he doesn’t follow through and ask me on a date. It would be easier for me if he flaked out and I didn’t have to tell him I don’t want to meet him, or for me to not have to start a line of questioning like a detective to find out the truth… This is why I hate dating.

Before anyone says “boohoo Women lie too”. I’m aware they do, but I don’t! I am me, I am upfront and honest about everything in my life. I’d rather say “I prefer not to talk about that” than to lie to someone. And I certainly don’t lie up front to impress someone. Yet every man in my life for the last year has been a HUGE liar! I really can’t take much more of this. What do I do to meet quality men? Do I HAVE to go to church? I mean, I don’t even believe in organized religion, but if I have to go to church to meet someone who doesn’t lie every other word, I’ll do it! I mean it! Maybe a matchmaker is a better idea? Don’t they screen the men for you? I’m so over meeting random people where ever and trying to find out about them and how much they lie. Really…

02
Aug
10

red flags?


So this guy “S”, lets call him, got my number before I deleted my okcupid account. We talked a little, then I replied to one of his texts and never heard from him again. Until last night when he called. He’s playing the “I texted you twice” card, then the “I guess my phone sucks”. I have NEVER really heard of someone not getting texts. I mean, I’ve yet to see his phone, maybe if it’s ancient, there could be an issue, but more than likely, he’s lying. That is the first red flag I’ve seen. To me it’s a huge one though. My neighbor Deere did that to my friend Vol when he was dating her. But his roommate told me he gets them all right away, he just tells her he didn’t because he doesn’t want to talk to her. He thinks she likes him too much. Ugh… men, mind games are BAD. So when S played that card with me, I said “I’ve never heard of anything like that happening, I’ve gotten texts all day, there is nothing wrong with my phone, and the most ancient phones can still send a text”. I’m NOT letting anyone get away with that game, he knows I think he’s lying.

Second red flag… he starts talking about the women who have online profiles. The fake ones first, he says he messaged one and she was rude to him, so the told her off for being a fake profile. Then he says how the girls that say “I want a nice guy” drive him crazy because they don’t know what they want and when presented with a nice guy they treat him like shit and hurt him. So he just messages them and tells them off to destroy them. I am feeling that he doesn’t deal well with rejection. Clearly he’s been hurt, and I know men love revenge, they need that rebound girl, they need to feel like they taught someone a lesson for hurting them. The question is, just how bad off is this guy? Is he out to crush someone? He doesn’t talk bad about all women, he has a female roommate, who strangely enough is from the same place as me, grew up on the same roads, all that, but is 15 years younger than me and moved here with her boyfriend. We chatted while he was in the bathroom last night, she’s a sweet young girl, she was fascinated that we went to the same Jr. High, but I was there before she was born.

He says he’ll call tonight, if he does, I need to find out some important issues, to see how he will treat me. His parents, are they together still, how does his father treat his mom, what’s his relationship with his mom? This is the biggest indicator of how he will be in a relationship. Not that it’s the tell all, people can actively choose to not be like their parents when they come from a less than ideal situation. But it’s rare. There is a lot to consider and when you ask questions and quietly sit back and let someone’s mouth fly, you learn a lot about them, especially when they are nervous. I’m going to play the therapist role and get him talking, and do some “active listening” next time we talk. I want to see just what motivates this guy, what he’s looking for, not what he says he’s looking for, but what he REALLY is doing online. I also want to know how burned he is by women.

What sucks is that I have to screen so carefully, that there are so many messed up people out there, I don’t want to be like this, I really don’t. But I’m tired of the same old crap, different day, in my life. I’m done settling for less, I deserve the best because I give the best. A lot of men say I ask too much, I just ask them, if I have all these wonderful qualities, why shouldn’t I expect a man to as well? Why don’t these men want to step up and be the best man they can be if I want to be the best woman I can be? At least it’s easy to weed these men out fast!

29
Jul
10

Ladies, it’s YOUR FAULT you are single!


Please note the sarcasm in the title ladies, no need to tell me off, I’m on your side, mostly. If you have done online dating, or hell, have a facebook page, you have seen the ad’s for these self proclaimed dating and relationship gurus. They are going to tell you how to catch and keep your man, and why the love of your life bolted. Then they are going to tell you how to fix it…. for a small fee of course. Plus you need to buy their book… and all 7 of their programs on DVD… and of course, don’t forget to subscribe to their newsletter so they can pitch every new product they have at you on a daily basis.

This is my new project to help men with their dating issues, you know you love it!

Ok, so I was curious, just why do men take off when things get serious? And could these self proclaimed gurus’s have any insight? I mean, I was just under the impression men weren’t as self actualized as women, and of course, the dangley things between their legs make them act like pigs. Who knew it was such an in depth subject that we needed this much information! After all, Evan Marc Katz, one of the coaches newsletters said “We men care about two main things: Are you sexy? Are you fun to be around? If you are, we’re coming back for more.” REALLY? That is all there is to it? Wow, I should be swarming with engagement proposals if that’s the case! Huh… so why is it that the men in my life keep getting scared? Well according to Christian Carter it’s because I tried to talk to them, about feeeeeeelings! GASP! *insert me singing “feeeeelllings” right here* Who ever heard of adults acting like adults and talking? I should have not tried to talk to them. I should have played coy, hard to get, not ever called them, or done anything nice for them, and acted like a stripper on a pole all day long… THAT is what men want according to him! Because according to him, it’s MY fault when a man bolts.

Let me say that I do know I’m accountable for some of the times when a man has bolted from me. I clearly see where I’ve gone wrong. The funny thing is, men act needy and clingy too and I’m the one that bolts from them. Believe me, I know all about a level 4 clinger and have had to deal with dumping one, it’s not easy. I also have dated some men that are mature normal and capable of talking about a relationship and where it’s going without being scared. What I don’t like about what these people are saying is that it is the woman’s fault, we are yet to take on another burden, we are now supposed to be responsible for someone else, their emotional maturity, insecurities, and commitment issues.

Christian Carter said today that after a guy starts to distance himself from you, you have 2 choices “Choice #1) Try Talking To Him” or “Choice #2) Inspire His Devotion Again”…. Riiiiiiigggghhhhtttt… because you shouldn’t ever try to talk to a man like an adult, you have to trick him into liking you. The thing I have such a problem with is this; once a man has one foot out the door, I mean, by the time we realize it, it’s too late to do anything. Their decision is made that they don’t want to be with you anymore. He says “I get that it can be a frightening idea that all it takes is just a few wrong words or actions as a woman and “Wham!”… the man in your life that you’ve been sharing so much of yourself with is suddenly not feeling it for you anymore.” in reply to a woman asking for advice. WOW, wait, did he just totally blame this man’s commitment issues totally on her? I get what he’s saying, don’t act needy and clingy. But what if this woman asking him why, wasn’t needy and clingy, what if the guy has issues that she can’t do anything about, are you still going to try to sell her your book…. looks like by the end of the email you have tried books and DVD programs.

Refer to my blog here. This was the end of Brown and I. I had done nothing up until that point that was needy, clingy, asked for attention, or was otherwise different from how I had been all along. I am just like my blogs in real life, just add a little sexy in there. I’m a smart ass, straight shooter, playful, silly, stupid, klutzy, smart, and yes, sometimes bitchy woman. He knew this the first time I met him, I don’t try to hide who I am, I embrace it, and everyone else should too. Yes, I had voiced a concern to him that we slept together too soon. All I said was 8 words “Do you think we had sex too soon?”. Those 8 little words were taken that I was needy, clingy, acting funny? How is that possible based on my previous behavior? I really want to know why I can’t have an open discussion about sex with someone I’m doing it with? Does that mean I can’t say “a little to the left” or “faster, harder, slower” or any other guidance during the act too? What exactly am I allowed to say that won’t be construed as “needy”? If I said “I wish we had more sex” I doubt that would cause such miscommunication. His reaction to my question was based on past experience with a clinger, not on my past behavior. So then when I was positive I was getting the brush off, I figured “eh, what the hell, I’ll try to give him his shit back, if he doesn’t reply, I’ll trash them”… dude tells me to “dial down the crazy”. WTF? You can see the conversation there. I wasn’t needy, clingy, as a matter of a fact, I was pissed by the end of it. I can’t give you exact words before I quoted the conversation because it would give away personal information, but I promise, it was NOT crazy, or needy, I just asked first if I should toss them, or second if I should pass them along to him if that was easier since he didn’t want to see me. All he had to do was say “ya, do that”, but his own guilt issues and well asshole issues, caused him to lump me with his crazy ex and every other clinger he’s had experience with, and also to attempt to make me feel bad, thus eliminating his guilt over pulling the disappearing act, seeing other women, and putting the blame back on me. You see what happened here? I do. And by the way, I’m bringing his glasses to work tomorrow to have a mutual person we both know pass them along to him, outta spite, instead of being the “crazy” he wants me to be and smashing them. Ya, I’m a little pouty, smashy would have been so fun. Damn ethics.

Sorry for the detour, I just think that example was important to drive home a point. Ladies, the thing is this, these “gurus” are out to make money. What they say about men isn’t right for all men, or even the majority of men. Movies like “The Ugly Truth” make it look like it’s up to us to be this perfect dream woman for this totally screwed up, commitment phobic, non-self actualized man. It’s a funny movie, don’t get me wrong, I own it, it totally cracks me up. And if you want that burden and you want to fake who you are for the duration of your relationship or rest of your life to catch that kind of man, by all means, take their advice and change who you are, but i promise you, he’s still going to lie to you and cheat on you and leave you anyway in the end. And where are the books for him, on how to not think we are all clingers and psychos? How about some of them fix their issues for once? Why the hell do I always have to compensate for some exgirlfriends issues? I’m telling you all, I’ve had it up to here. Do you see how high that is, well it’s as high as I can make it go, so deal with it, but I’m holding my hand up REALLY high!

So here is a little relationship advice for all of you. Men and women. Get over it, your past is not your future, your ex is not the same person you are dating now. If you can’t forgive them, yourself, and forget the pain you once felt, you should not be dating again. Get a therapist and get over it. Stop with these guru’s and go to a therapist if you want real advice, a book or newsletter or seminar can’t tell you what is wrong with your specific relationship. If you keep having the same issue over and over and over, go to a shrink if you can’t see what it is you are doing wrong, hell, ask a good friend to help you look at things. Maybe it’s not what you do, but who you pick that is the problem… Maybe if we all take our heads out of our asses for a while we can figure this out and learn to have happy relationships.

Ok, I really just wanted to use this image cause it's funny

27
Jul
10

“If you’re always moving, you can’t build anything”


I spent most of last night in a angry rage, tired of dating, men, getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again and again and did some pretty heavy thinking, mostly wanting to smash Brown’s sunglasses he left at my house, but that’s beside the point. I’m past my anger that I felt last night, and it was intense, probably the most angry I’ve been in a very long time and it was a little frightening to me. Apparently it was building for quite some time, I’m not naturally a very angry person, I have little pissy moments, but true anger just isn’t in my heart. I live by forgiveness and find happiness that way.

So I thought about why online dating wasn’t working for me and why it was. It worked because I had endless attention, conversation, and something to do on a Friday night. I’m by nature an extroverted person, and sitting at home alone on a weekend is not my idea of fun. I don’t mind it on occasion, but I am most happy when I’m with people. This aspect of online dating was perfect for me, and I think it is for a lot of extroverted and attention seeking men as well. It makes it hard to give it up after a certain amount of time. It’s nice to have all these different types of people to talk to and that want to be with you and only see the best side of you, the side you present on the internet.

What is it’s upside is also it’s downfall. I rarely gave a relationship a chance to grow if I didn’t have butterflies and feel a deep connection, and I didn’t delete my profiles or stop going on the sites. On occasion I’d hide my profile, only to find out they hadn’t. A new relationship needs a chance to grow and breathe without all that other competition. If I like someone, such as Brown, but I stay on that site and date other men, like the gay one, or several of the others I dated during that time, do I ever really give Brown a chance? If he stays on there and dates other women, is he really ever giving me a chance? Finding a real relationship online is like saying “I really like this person, but my eye is always open for someone better”, how is that good or healthy for a new relationship? How can either person ever trust the other knowing that? It’s a huge pitfall for this country, divorce is still at an all time high in this country, and gee, I wonder why? We really have no sense of commitment to anything, we want everything now, and then we want to upgrade when we see something we think is better. We do it with our cellphones, why not people? I get that you can’t really compare electronics, they do get outdated and break, but the point is about our society, we are an upgrade, throw away society. That type of thinking isn’t healthy for relationships.

My point is this, if you do decide to do online dating, make sure that the people you talk to and decide to go out with are on the same page. Ask up front if they are willing to delete their profile after you meet to give the new relationship a chance? If they aren’t, move along. Look at the date they joined the site, was it 2 years ago? If so, this prob. isn’t someone that will ever stop looking for that “dream girl” and will always have their eye open for someone better, an upgrade. Relationships, long lasting ones, take work, time, and aren’t always the ones that you feel like you just know he/she is “the one”. How many times have you “just known”? And how many times did it work out for ya? My point exactly. The fact is you shouldn’t know, right away, you need months, maybe years in a relationship, to know. You’ll never get to see what it’s like to enjoy the act of discovery that comes with just committing to trying in a new relationship if you stay online while starting a relationship. A dating coach, that I’m sure everyone has read or seen advertised said in one of his spam emails to me “If you’re always moving, you can’t build anything.” I hate these spam emails, but he is 100% right! He also said maybe relationships aren’t supposed to feel the way you think, maybe my expectations of how it’s supposed to feel are wrong, not the relationships I’ve been in that I left for something better.

Huh… food for thought. Since I don’t know what a healthy relationship should feel like, I don’t remember, I honestly haven’t had a healthy long term relationship since I was 22, maybe I should be open to someone who doesn’t take my breath away right away. I think I’ve been looking at it wrong all along and I think I was right to quit online dating. I hope this new insight I have will change things in the next relationship I embark on. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, or the next relationship I’m in will be like, but I’m ok with not knowing or having expectations of how I should feel anymore.

26
Jul
10

So when do you call it quits?


Strike one? two? three? how many mistakes is it acceptable for a person to put up with before they walk away? Little ones, big ones? what is big enough to walk away right away? How many little annoyances before you call it quits early in the game?

Early in dating Brown he had asked me out for a Sat. then oops forgot to follow up and made other plans. He said he’d make it up to me. Eh… not really. Ya, he bought me beer, stocked his fridge and asked me over to his pool, but do you really think it wasn’t so he could see me in a bikini and try to bust a move on me, or was that making it up to me? Then Friday nights “headache”… he apologized over and over and said he’d make it up to me. I laughed, gave him a hard time and said he better. He then asked me about going out tonight. I told him he’d have to be extra special nice to me and maybe I’d consider it. Since then, we haven’t spoken. I’m assuming he forgot. again. Either that or he just doesn’t care. And you know what. That epiphany I had Sat. added to all of this just made me realize something else! Epiphany #2… he isn’t good enough for me! WTF? I don’t care about all the crap he has going for him, he isn’t so much of a catch that he doesn’t have to treat me like the gem I am. Man must be outta his mind! woah… No, seriously…

After our 2nd date, things haven’t been great. He hasn’t been impressive. I wonder if he thinks because he has so much going for him or that he has shiny fancy cars and stuff that he doesn’t have to try with women because they will look past the fact he does nothing for them and line up anyway? I see it like this, I have a lot going for me, no fancy car, but I have a nice house, a car, a job, a really positive future career, I’m stable, independent, etc… I’m a catch too, but I realize I still have to show someone I’m with that I care about them, by doing things FOR them, WITH them. I know this, I know relationships require people to take care of each others emotional needs. I don’t care how rich a guy is, or the cars he drives, how big his house is. I care how he treats me and that alone is my deciding factor on a mate. I also understand men show they care in different ways, they “take care” of things different. But this guy, he isn’t doing that either. I’m doing all the work all of a sudden and I don’t like it.

I admit, I’m in a BAD mood today. No particular reason, maybe it’s an accumulation of bad boyfriends past and thinking about it that has me pissed, or maybe I just woke up grouchy groucherson. Most of the guys who have broken my heart at some point come begging back, and tonight, I just wish one of them would try, cause I could really use a punching bag. I know that is immature, and wrong, really I do, but right now, I just don’t care! I’d rather take it out on some douche bag that deserves it, than someone I do care about and regret it tomorrow when I return to my normal happy self.

I think I need another beer…




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