Posts Tagged ‘quiet

13
Aug
10

Melancholy


I guess you could say I have it. I feel quiet inside, very still, somber somehow. I feel like through this mood, I’m still searching for something in my mind, another elusive epiphany maybe? No wait, that doesn’t describe it exactly either… it’s an aching, like there is a hole, part of me missing, lost, gone maybe?

It’s Friday the 13th, I believe in fact the last one of the year, the next one, next year in May, my sister will be getting married. I believe sometime after that, my other sister will be married as well. I think all my siblings being married short the one I disowned and will probably be married before me anyway, has me thinking. I wonder if I ask too much in a soul mate, a partner for life, if I should settle for less. Did they settle for less, or did they somehow seem to find exactly what I’ve been searching for my whole life? If they found it, why can’t I? Or did I and I screwed it up, letting it slip through my fingers without realizing it? I don’t know the answers to these questions, I think I don’t want to know.

I didn’t ever want to get married, I was ok with just finding “him”, my soul mate, the one I was meant to be with forever. But for some reason, probably hormonal, I started to think I wanted a family and kids and a husband. I’m not sure why for a few months I thought that, but I think it has a lot to do with what is expected of me. I think I’m back to myself again, the hormones are under control, and despite my quest to find “him”, I don’t want to marry him, I don’t feel the need to have kids anymore. My only want is what it has always been, to not settle, to find the one I know I’m meant to be with and then be with him until the day we die. It’s not that I feel incomplete, well right now I do (which is entirely new to me), but I’ve always felt like a whole person, just that part of me aches, burns, and hurts. I wish I could better express the aching in my heart that I feel ever waking hour, that has always been there, that never leaves the back of my mind, that I’ve lived with as long as I can remember. It’s always been there, even when I was too young to understand it, and I am usually able to push it deep down away from where anyone can see it, usually. Everyone sees the smiling me, the happy me, no one has ever truly seen what’s inside, I’m not sure how they would handle me if they did, but I think I wish someone could. I think I wish there was a “him” that I could share this with, who would understand instead of running away. This is just a small glimpse, of craziness, of pain, of sadness, that is always just under the surface of my smiles and nervous chatter. My art always showed a glimpse of it, but I stopped making art, it became too painful when other people saw it and knew what was inside me, especially those I loved, it hurt them to know that I hurt, it scared them to see the depths of me.

Maybe that is my destiny, to walk the earth alone, searching and never finding. Maybe there is a bigger picture for me to find along the way, something else that I’m not seeing right now. I keep finding myself speechless, nothing to say to anyone, just wanting to run away from here right now. A distraction would be good for me if I could afford the airfare or time off work.

Right now, I can’t fake it, and I know I need to by tonight, a friend needs me to be the smiling strong face she knows while she’s in a bad place. So I’m going to do my best, to kick my own ass to smile, put on the strong front I always do of the strong, smart, independent woman everyone tells me I have to be. And when my friend leaves, and I’m alone, I’ll go for a walk, in the dark, and break down again.

10
Aug
10

quiet


My mind is oddly quiet today, maybe I’ll find inspiration later today to write. I guess I’m finally tired, too tired to think, and the buzzing in my mind is finally down to a single bee. Huh… that must be what it feels like to be normal… I’ll ponder that a while and get back to you.




This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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