Posts Tagged ‘relationships

29
May
11

Addiction


ad·dic·tion

[uh-dik-shuhn]

–noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Nope, not addicted to drugs, or booze, or shopping, I’m addicted to a frickin man. I can’t stop. I knew it was going to be like this the minute I met him, the first time I saw him I just knew. No, I didn’t see him and lust and think “omg, this is the hottest guy ever”, but I was drawn to him, kept looking and wondering why. Then we started talking and couldn’t stop talking. It’s been like that ever since. Every day, and the few days we don’t spend hours on the phone, it’s like withdrawal. I have imaginary conversations with him as I lay in bed.
I didn’t want this! I avoided this! I told him I’m a mess when it comes to relationships, I suck, and don’t really know why anyone would want one with me. But he keeps calling me, talking to me and now has plans to come visit me in July. Which scares me for many reasons. What if when he gets here I pull my typical sudden freak out and just don’t want him here anymore? Don’t say I won’t, cause I’ve done it before. When  guy invades my space for even two days I tend to freak out and never want to see him again, especially when I see no out of him going home. I can’t not do it, it just happens, and I can’t not hurt the person. Which with this guy, puts me in a weird situation with him being my brother in laws best friend!
On the other hand, what if I want him to stay? What if I want him to never leave? What if I fall for him even more so than I already am? I’m already waiting for the ball to drop on that one, the one where he decides he doesn’t like me anymore. The one where my heart breaks for the hundredth time and I go back to that bad place I have been too many times before.
I know I need to discuss all this with him, but I feel like there are certain things that should be said in person, except I’d hate for him to waste his money flying out here only to say “wow, you really are messed up, maybe we just shouldn’t go there” and then it’s all weird the rest of the trip. So I’m finding myself being forced to have this conversation via phone even though I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to say “be careful with my heart”, I want to be cool and easy going and just go with the flow and enjoy what’s happening. But, easy going girl is just not who I am I guess.
I wish I could just let everything in my past go and relax. But that girl is gone when it comes to my heart being on the line. So here I go, trying to find the right words to even begin this conversation.
16
May
11

Trouble of mine


I really just want to scream because I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone so quickly in my life! I want to claim this man as MINE! Whats worse is I’ve never even kissed him! We just met last week and I can’t stop thinking about him! This is sooooo not good!

Reasons it’s bad? Well first is the fact I don’t want a relationship! I’m totally emotionally fucked in that department! I’ve been broken for quite a while now and have done nothing to remedy the situation except avoid dealing with it, and avoid romance. I’m terrified of being hurt, terrified of hurting someone, and I don’t think my heart could take another loss. Secondly, the guy in question lives in another state, FAR away! I met him at an event! I don’t know how to even start a relationship, much less a long distance one! But I feel like I can’t stand to be away from him for another day, much less the weeks on end it would be if I did decide to give this a try.

It’s like this… on one hand I feel like it’s too late, I have already fallen for him, there is no stopping it, it’s like a train wreck and even though I keep trying to put on the breaks, I’m headed for a huge collision. I have a falling feeling and I’m trying to dig my heels in to stop from being pulled forward on a downward slope, but it’s not working, I just end up with muddy feet. I know it’s wrong, I am not good, and he really deserves someone good, someone better than me. So I think, is it worth it to put myself out there? Is it worth the risk? or hell, is it too late? Because I feel like if I step away right now it’s already going to hurt. And I know that’s crazy! The thing is I know he’s feeling it too, and I don’t know what conflicting emotions if any he’s dealing with because it remains unspoken right now.

We didn’t kiss cause quite frankly I was FREAKING out! I’d get nervous in those times we were alone and it could have happened and make it impossible. For the most part though, we were around my family. I also wonder if they had a hand in my meeting him, if my sister wasn’t playing cupid a little? It’s odd how much we have in common, really odd. And she’s suspiciously quiet, not asking anything, not a word, about the fact he stayed in my hotel room one night cause I was too drunk to drive him home. She didn’t ask if anything happened. So I am assuming she thinks something happened and is all grinning and shit.

I have to get him out of my head somehow, someway! I’ve tried exercise, cooking, reading, music, training for work; nothing replaces the images my imagination produces every time I so much as blink! No… nothing naughty, well most of the time.

29
Sep
10

The Doctor is in


I got an email last night from a guy asking for communication with women advice. It’s not that I discourage anyone from doing so, but realize, I’m not the best person to be asking dating advice from. I am seriously fucked up in that department. My blog is such a small part of who I am, of my life, and believe me, if you knew me, it’s not the most fucked up stuff about me. I’m not sure why, after reading this blog, after reading all the darkness inside me and how I feel about love and dating and relationships, why anyone would ask me for advice.

I’m on a journey right now, it’s all about me, I’m selfish, and I realize it. Yes, I am a healer by nature, I can’t stop myself from trying to help, but emotionally, asking me for advice, is bound to lead anyone to disaster. I heal the physical, emotionally I will just draw you into my own selfish needs and suck you dry. It’s not a threat, it is a warning, only the strong survive in my world, as my friends and lovers.

Yes, what Brown said to me about being so great is true, to him, it’s how I draw them in, it’s why they always come back, but the fun me, it’s not who I am all the time, not even the majority of the time.  If I love you, as a friend or more, I will do it with everything I have, I’ll fight for you, have your back even if you are wrong. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I’m not loyal like a dog, it’s just that if you mistreat me like a dog, I will turn on you and bite. And if you are one who thinks you are worse off than me, or who thinks it’s a joke, well, fine, find out the hard way.

I have no self control, I’ll accept you, make you think I’m great and you will feel great when you are with me, talking to me, but my darkness will come out, eventually. When you try to change me, or emotionally control me, I’ll shut you down, I’ll shut you out, which will make you crazy.

By all means, ask my opinion, I’ll tell you, and if you don’t like it and try to debate my advice I’ll tell you to shut the fuck up and ask why you asked me in the first place? Lots of people like to do that. I won’t argue with people, I become aloof, I ignore people I don’t like, I escape to my happy place and shut down, it’s what you do when you are raised by a raging sociopath who gets in your face if you leave a pencil on the table on accident or take too long between changing sheet music during your two hour piano practice daily. When you have no one to protect you, you shut down, internalize, and become fucked up as an adult. This is why if you ask for my advice, I’ll give it to you, I’ll try to help you, I may even have good intentions, however my dark jaded world view gives skeptical advice, it’s selfish, and it only applies to what I would want someone to do for me. And hey, I’m fucked up, so what I want isn’t normal, it’s not what most people want, it’s not what healthy people want. So by all means, ask me, just be prepare for me to pull the football out just as you kick and laugh about it. Not that I discourage you from asking, by all means, ask away, the Doctor is in…

31
Aug
10

How about a fresh pot of steaming…


Well, steaming, STEAM! I got one of those spam emails this morning, I swear I’ve unsubscribed a few times, they go away about a week and then come back. I’ve mentioned them before, the “dating guru” people. This one really got under my skin, REALLY irritated me. I sat here reading it, picking it apart, every bit of what he said was against everything I believe in. He says he speaks for all men, when really, he speaks for himself, his kind of man, which makes me so glad it’s not the type of man I want. I’m sure some of you men out there and even some women agree with him, I however find what he has to say to be a huge part of what is wrong with relationships, why marriages fail, in this country. I’ll get into that in a minute.

He says in this email ” “Eat, Pray, Love” has been on my mind recently. Not in the least because of the big billboard right outside my house, which says: “You Don’t Need a Man. You Need a Champion.” You like the way that sounds, don’t you? Well, if this line speaks to you… If this is the way you truly feel about relationships… If you really resonate with this and are holding out for no less than your own hero… You’re most likely making a HUGE mistake.” I want to scream at him, ‘HOW DARE YOU!’, but I keep reading, and it gets worse, my rage, seething, and anger are about to peak.

would be nice though... no?

“That’s what you’re holding out for in a man. Fair enough. So, for a moment, I’d like you to imagine a movie designed specifically for men. Not an action movie, not a horror movie. A movie about one man’s perfect love. After years of being trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage to a woman who didn’t want to have a baby, Alex leaves his wife to go find himself. Distraught, he decides to have an adventure. He drives to Vegas. He flies to Ibiza. He journeys to Thailand. Until finally, he discovers the woman who gives him everything he needs. He writes a book: “Drink, Play, F@#%”. Howard Stern and Maxim magazine promote the hell out of it, and Alex sells the movie rights. Soon, it’s in a theater near you. You won’t see it, of course, but you can’t miss the ubiquitous billboards: “You don’t need a woman. You need a pornstar who cooks.” ” All I can think, is this guy has to be kidding, I don’t know many men, at least REAL men who want a pornstar who cooks. What man wants something that is always THAT easy? THIS kind of man, I don’t want in my life. I know without a doubt, not all men, not even most men, feel this way. Maybe a few of you on here do, so I’m not excluding some men, but, let me say, without a doubt, this is not what I want in my life. Not to mention, if the character he described about hating his wife and a sexless marriage is what you are in, omg, DO SOMETHING about it! Holy cow, I can’t even believe these words he said! Of course, it only gets worse…

“Men really DO want the Supermodel/Top Chef/Rhodes Scholar. Women really DO want a hero and a champion. And yet, in order to find happiness, we both must relax our fantasies a little bit. Not because they don’t feel great. They do. The reason to relax your fantasies is because they’re unrealistic, and they almost invariably lead to disappointment.” See, here’s the thing, he makes the assumption that by wanting MY hero, my prince charming, I expect him to be perfect. I don’t expect perfection, far from it, but I’m not willing to live a dull, unfulfilling life with someone who less than meets my expectations because I’m so desperate to not be alone.  I’ve been there, done that, I’ve settled for what this author suggests, it also, doesn’t end well, it ends with me hurting this poor schmuck, because this guy, isn’t what I want. If the “normal” guy wants the pornstar that cooks, but settles for me, and I want a hero and settle for him, neither of us is happy. But I don’t want a ‘hero’, and the guy I want, doesn’t want a pornstar, what we want is eachother, the one we are meant to be with. I think this guy doesn’t get it when he “coaches” women, we want the one that draws us like a magnet, the one that feels the same about us. Maybe there are also a small percentage of women out there who do have unreal expectations, maybe I’m the one who’s different in what my fairytale ending is composed of. I encourage the women to speak up, do you want tall dark and handsome, six figure income, a hero to save you, nobel prize winner, all that and a bag of chips? Or do you just want to find the right one for you, the one that other people may not see anything but ordinary, but was created just for you? I think there is a GREAT misunderstanding with these so called dating coaches/guru’s about what women want. When we turn down guy after guy, it’s not that we are being too picky, it’s that the chemistry just isn’t there, and it’s not something you can force. Yes, you can settle, which is what he encourages, so he is right, and makes money. He also encourages you to change who you are, says you won’t ever find what you are looking for, so you should change to what the man wants… WHAT? That pisses me off.

I blogged about it here,https://driven2batshitcrazy.wordpress.com/2010/08/28/is-love-a-fairytale/ , and as much as I think about it, I still stand by my convictions. Romantic, crazy, foolish, unrealistic… maybe, but I’d rather be all those things than settle and be unhappy and then have to divorce someone, travel around, write a book that becomes a movie and have some guru tell the world I should have stayed with the unhappy marriage that I settled for in the first place. Sorry dude, time to unsubscribe… again.

24
Aug
10

Virtue


World English Dictionary
virtue —  [vur-choo] noun
1. the quality or practice of moral excellence or righteousness
2. a particular moral excellence: the virtue of tolerance
3. any of the cardinal virtues (prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance) or theological virtues (faith, hope, and charity)
4. any admirable quality, feature, or trait
5. chastity, esp in women
6. archaic an effective, active, or inherent power or force

Of the things my mother didn’t teach me, Virtue would be one of them. I’d never consider her a virtuous woman by any means either. She’s been married 5 times, has 2 children with 2 different men. She left my father when I was 5 after having an affair, and my older brother catching her in the act by hiding in the closet with a baseball bat I might add!  Not only did she not practice a chaste life, it was lacking virtue in any way shape or form and she was proud of it. She talked to me as if her exploits as a single woman were normal, ok, and to be expected in this day and age. You know, being a modern woman and all, we shouldn’t deny our urges. I could go on for ages about how fucked up my family is and the lessons I learned as a young woman. But lets just say I can identify with Agustin Burroughs in Running with Scissors, even without ever being left to live with my mothers insane shrink. We had more than enough insanity in our own house. Somehow, I just knew, and thought my whole life “don’t be like this, this is not right”. I’m sure to some extent I caught some of the crazy, the lack of virtue, I’m definitely not a virgin or a saint, but I like to think I know right from wrong.  But, still, I don’t feel my virtue is intact.

Now myself being a modern woman, have formed my own opinions on these matters of right and wrong, chastity, and all the fundamentals of virtue. I’m not sure where I got my ideas from, seeing as they certainly weren’t morals handed down by my mother or father, but somehow I think I’ve figured it out finally. I’m not speaking from a Christian point of view mind you, I’m definitely not “Christian” in the sense I believe Jesus died for our sins, or even that he was in fact the son of god, or real for that matter. However non-christian, agnostic, or whatever you want to call me, I do find value in the lessons the bible teaches. Someone had to tell people not to have sex with farm animals, only have sex with your wife (prevents the spread of diseases), don’t murder, don’t steal, and not only to live this way, but to give them a reason to live this way. I’m sure the promise of heaven wasn’t enough for everyone, reason wasn’t enough, some people need the threat of punishment, the wrath of god. Who better to teach the word of god but his own son? It’s a great idea if you think about it. But, I’m not writing this to begin a philosophical debate on the existence of god or Christianity.

Something I wonder though, can you get virtue back? Or is it one of those things, like virginity, is lost forever? Is it possible for a man to see a woman who’s led a less than virtuous life in her past as pure now? For instance, a woman my age isn’t likely to be a virgin, quite frankly I’d find it a bit strange if I hadn’t made a few mistakes along the way, however, if I were to tell the next man I date that I had no intention of having sex again until I’m married, would he take that seriously? or would he still try figuring that unlike if I were still a virgin I wasn’t serious because I didn’t feel that way in my past? I’m not saying that is what I’m going to do, but I am considering it. Not as some sort of test of faith for the guy, not just because I want to be respected, but because I want HIM to want to respect me that way. Certainly the movies say it can be done, the list is a mile long of movies that show the man falling in love with the sinner, the whore, the bad girl gone good. Pretty woman, Moulin Rouge are the best examples, Gone with the Wind, Maid in Manhattan, Unfaithful, are all close enough. I know tons of guys who go for the bad girl, I mean, clearly if I use my own mother as an example, she’s had no difficulty finding a man, hell they all want to marry her! And she has NO virtue. BUT, as an insider looking at her life, and the level of happiness she has, I know I want more. I want someone who at least treats me as if all my virtue isn’t forever lost.

Growing up in a time where the above video was my role model, I can see where things went wrong for my generation and future generations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s blasphemous and I love it, but should I at 10 or 12 years old have been looking up to this woman? Singing this in the mirror and dressing like her? Or should my mother have at least had a conversation with me about what’s wrong with her and the message she is sending and not allowed my mimicry of her? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations now, I don’t know? But I think for the act of love you should be in love. And if there is any chance of regaining my virtue, I plan on trying.

As I always encourage responses, I do not wish to be preached to about what the bible says and doesn’t say, or anything about the philosophy of religion. Please keep your religious views to yourself if they intend to convert or condemn. If you choose not to, I will delete that type of comment.

20
Aug
10

Coward


Main Entry: coward

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: person who is scared, easily intimidated

Synonyms: alarmist, baby, caitiff, chicken heart, chicken liver, chicken, craven, cur, dastard, deserter, faint-of-heart, faintheart, fraidy-cat, funk, gutless, invertebrate, jellyfish, lily liver, malingerer, mouse, pessimist, poltroon, quitter, rabbit, recreant, scaredy cat, shirk, shirker, skulker, sneak, weakling, white liver, wimp, yellow belly, yellow.

My favorite of these are lily liver and yellow belly. Those are just a few words I can use to describe at least 90% of the men I’ve dated, my friends have dated, hell that my mother has married. My friend Vol was dating my neighbor Deere. They met back in May at my graduation party, he was instantly smitten with her, almost speechless around her. She was hesitant about him because well, he’s 25 and she’s older, and she’s just come out of some pretty rough times of her own with an abusive husband she’s still in hiding from. Deere was stuck to her like glue, for months, I rarely saw him come home except to get clean clothes to go back to her house. Then while she was on vacation at the beach with her mother he was home, then when she got back, he was different. She said he barely talked to her while she was gone and when she asked why, he grew even more distant. After I talked with his roommate, aka. my hairdresser and awesome, she said Deere thought Vol was about to drop the “L” bomb! hahahahahah. Maybe Vol was going to drop the L bomb, but she denies it to me. So Vol has a talk with Deere, and tries to clear the air of all pressure on him. A week later after things had been normal again, he stops calling, answering her calls, and even ignores her when she’s sitting next to him in traffic and honks at him and calls! He refuses to acknowledge she exists suddenly. I don’t know why, I really don’t care, he’s too much of a coward to end a relationship with a woman he’s spent at least 5 nights a week with for several moths, he officially SUCKS.

They haven’t talked in 2 weeks, she came over last Friday and Saturday. I saw him Thur. night when I walked the dog the last time and said “look, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but Vol is coming over tomorrow night and it would be nice if you two could exchange personal property with out it being uncomfortable, how about you just leave her stuff on my patio and she’ll do the same with yours?” he agreed. Friday night, he didn’t leave her stuff, so she didn’t deliver his. He was home, she was freaked. I encouraged her to go over there, knock on the door, and ask him to come out and go for a walk and talk to her like a man. I mean, come on, this is the stupidest thing EVER. What grown ass man does this crap. Oh ya, I forget, ALL OF THEM! Seriously… grow a pair dude.

The worst part, what I know would happen if she did this, he would lie to her, tell her he’s sorry and they should work things out, he still cares about her and everything is ok and he’ll call her tomorrow. Then, he’d do the SAME.DAMN.THING! He’d go right back to ignoring avoiding her at all costs. Pathetic. All she wants is closure. Why don’t men get that? Closure shouldn’t be so hard to give us. Why is it so hard to tell us that you aren’t interested in us anymore? You don’t have to analyze it to death, if you don’t want to tell us why, don’t, but tell us it’s over, have some balls man! And then you wonder why you think all women are crazy? why all your ex’s are crazy? HELLO? REALLY? You don’t think it has ANYTHING, everything to do with the disappearing act? the avoidance? the “fraidy-cat, lily liver, invertebrate, jellyfish” manner in which YOU handle things with us?

Main Entry: cur

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: rotten, lowly animate being

Synonyms: black sheep, blackguard, bum, cad, coward , dog, good-for-nothing, heel, hound, ne’er-do-well, rat, riffraff, scoundrel, scum, skunk, snake, stinker, toad, villain, worm, wretch, yellow dog.

Maybe these are better terms for the kind of men I’m speaking of? But what I want to know is, are there any other kind? Do the real men we fantasize about as women really exist at all? I thought some men wrote movies, they write the characters that women want to be with, they know what we want, and yet where are these men? Maybe I’m delusional, maybe they are all married already, maybe they just don’t live in this country. I really have no idea anymore. And this isn’t just about closure, it’s about romance too. So many men and yes women too, are so scared to reveal their emotions, for fear they will make the other person run and do what Deere did to my friend. We shouldn’t have to be afraid of that, it just seems so utterly ridiculous to me that adults act this way. Why can’t a man allow himself to fall for a woman without over thinking it to death, why can’t the woman let him with out freaking out and running? And why can’t the woman when she falls back be allowed to show it? Where is the everlasting devotion in this century?

I know I’ve blogged about how I’m broken, I really am, I have nothing left to give to anyone at this point. I have spent most of my life giving and giving to my friends, always being there for them in their hour of need, I finally hit the point of nothing left to give to anyone. I think I’m glad my true friends recognize this about me and are there for me right now, they are giving to me now that I need it, and I appreciate it, but it still doesn’t change the emptiness I feel inside, no matter how great they are. You can’t warm a heart that doesn’t exist anymore. I go through the motions every day, doing what is expected of me, putting on a smile and fake conversation at work, try to hang out with friends, but really no one wants to hang out with someone who has nothing to say, nothing to give back. THIS ^ above what I talked about it, is part of it, being fed up.

Main Entry:     hopeless

Part of Speech:     adjective

Definition:     futile, pessimistic

Synonyms:     bad, beyond recall, cynical, dejected, demoralized, despairing, desperate, despondent, disconsolate, discouraging, downhearted, fatal, forlorn, gone, goner, helpless, ill-fated, impossible, impracticable, in despair, incurable, irredeemable, irreparable, irreversible, irrevocable, lost, menacing, no-win, past hope, pointless, sad, shot down, sinister, sunk, threatening, tragic, unachievable, unavailing, unfortunate, unmitigable, up the creek, useless, vain, woebegone, worsening.

I’m not sure what I will get out of writing today’s blog, probably nothing more than a way for me to whine and vent and let go of some of the anger building inside me. I suppose anger is better something, it’s not emptiness. But soon after the anger resides, I’m hollow again.

16
Aug
10

Broken


That is what I am now. I understand the hole in my chest I’m feeling now. I’ve been knocked down so many times, had my heart broken so many times, it’s now shattered, too many tiny pieces to try to put it back together again, I can’t get back up again. With each piece that was left I tried to get back up, use what was left to make it whole again, like a lizard regrows a tail, until finally, every last part is broken, gone and there is nothing left to regrow. That is the hole. It’s not a specific person or heartbreak, it’s the sum of all of them, even the little disappointments, chipping away, what I thought was mending was only going to take another sliver. I just don’t have the strength to get back up again.

This doesn’t come from recent heartbreak, it’s not from Brown, I never loved him, I barely liked him, he was though, another disappointment, the last little speck of my heart that was left, was spent trying to like him, to regrow the heart I had once upon a time. I expressed my pain to all men in my letter to him, the one I never sent and posted on here. He was however never worthy of my love, not that I had any left to give. I gave my last bit of love, my heart, to Mr. NY, and although I believe he did love me in return, he ruined that piece I gave to him, crushed it with lies and manipulation. I told him goodbye, he left the country, and those fences are not ones that can be mended. What’s done is done and I don’t regret saying what I said.

Yes, I burn, yearn, ache for true love. I fear, I know, if it finds me, I’m too broken that I’ll have nothing left to give. That part of me is missing, and I can’t share that anywhere but here. So I’ve come to a conclusion that I have to move. There is nothing left for me here, moving here in the first place was a mistake. It’s contributed to crushing what little spirit I had left in me, and all the love I had left was also lost here. I can’t look at this place anymore, I hope that if I can get far far away, some shred of who I am can be found and rebuilt. This is something I know I need to do, I need to do it alone, and maybe if I can’t rebuild who I was, I can start from scratch and build a new me, but I can’t do it here.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” — Washington Irving

07
Aug
10

boo hoo, cry me a river


kinda looks like him too!

I woke up to an email from Mr. NY today.  Remember Mr. NY? He likes to get drunk and want me back. He’s still living in NY, headed to Croatia, but says he’s coming back for me. boo hoo dude, cry me a river. Who wants to read it? Ok…

“I’m so stupid I should of never left *insert state* or ur side past few days its all I could think bout.   If uve ever heard loneststar.  Amazed. I heard it tnite n I dropped to my knees asking god y I’m even here.  I’m comin back after I’m finished payin respect to my grandfathers grave in Croatia”

Sent at like 2 something a.m. from his blackberry. What is he thinking with this? I have no intention of replying to said message. I almost think I should reply though with some needy clingy message, it might be the only way to keep him away, but it could backfire too. If I ignore it, it will probably just drive him to further communication, you know how guys like a chase. On the other hand, should I reply saying not to come back? I don’t want him to come back and start trying to win me back. I don’t want him in my life or to go down that road again.

All I can hope it’s it’s more bullshit, that he isn’t coming back here. Things he did can’t be forgiven. I’d never trust him again. I was stupid to trust him to begin with. Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! is all i can think right now. I want some chocolate.

*Edit and update – I replied, it was mean, it felt good. He needs to know to leave me alone. I think this will do it.

“Stop *Mr. NY, stop lying to me, things have changed. I see things clearly now, you lied to me, a lot, about so many things that I won’t bother to list them now, and because you know what you lied about. I don’t doubt that you cared about me at some point, in some way, I think it’s why you lied about so many things, because you were scared I wouldn’t like you if I knew the real you, but when it turned to lies for manipulation reasons, I was done. I’ve changed *Mr. NY, I’m not the naive person you once met. I use to wish you would just be honest with me and I could know who you really were, that you would admit to all of the lies and apologize, that you would just pick up a phone and call me. I don’t wish for you to change anymore, this behavior is why your life is where it is right now. I don’t care to speculate on your reasons anymore. I think you are a coward, a liar, a manipulator, and not someone I want in my life. I don’t even care how mad this makes you because it’s all true, and I don’t want to hear it anymore. Goodbye Mr. NY. ”

*Mr. NY is substituted for his real name.

I think, hope, and yes, even pray, this will do it, that he will not reply, that he will leave me alone now. If he doesn’t, I won’t reply anymore. I’m actually really done. I hope he’s mad, I really hope he’s furious, I hope it ruins his weekend like he ruined so many for me. I hope with me finally saying what I wanted to say, how I really feel, that I can move on, and really ignore him from now on.

06
Aug
10

Law of Attraction? or not?


Thinking about the article below, how it’s affected my relationships with the opposite sex, it brings me back to this whole self fulfilling prophecy thing again. The only issue I have with the Universal Law of Attraction is that I fear for myself at least, keeping such a positive focus on the future and what I want, would I not become prone to having the proverbial wool pulled over my eyes so to speak? Yet, looking for signs as I do, that someone is lying, being deceptive, and keeping my guard up, does that not according to this hypothesis bring just that into my life? This is my struggle right now. I want to be positive, it’s in my nature to want to be trusting and to want the beautiful perfect life, but am I a fool to not self protect a little?

I have thought about this with regards to the last few attempted relationships. Mr. NY, when I was open to anything, to happiness, he fell in love with me (or at least said he did), but when I worried because he went home and his behavior changed slightly after 24 hours, he became the liar I had thought he would be. Next up were a string of guys I dated casually that met all of my expectations of being scum bags. Then there was “Napoleon” (ya, he was short), he was really awesome, but like most short men, lied about his height, when we met, even though I liked him, I knew getting over Mr. NY that I was bound to rebound and hurt the next guy, so what did I do? exactly what I thought, found a nice guy, hurt him, and moved on. Then Brown comes along, I was back to healed, open, dating, and seeing what was out there, being objective. I wasn’t turned off by him, but didn’t really have any thoughts on him in particular. He didn’t seem overly zealous over me, which was a relief, but I did want to get to know him. Once we had the “horrible sex”, the way too soon sex, my mind went to worrying that it was too soon, that he’d now freak out and move on. It was exactly what happened, and I don’t think had I not worried about it, had I been cas. about it, he probably would have been too. I won’t even bring up the gay man, ok, I will, I think Browns conventional views and having a problem openly with my open minded views made me look for someone, subconsciously the opposite, and the gay man that participated in mass orgies, was JUST that! Then S shows up, after Brown lied to me about being busy working when he was really on okcupid. S is the epitome of a liar, I think after the last few experiences with liars, I was in the mindset all men are liars, but really, not like this. Nothing S told me was true I don’t think, he was a sick sick individual. Did I invite all of this? Can I reverse any of it? What are your thoughts?  I’d like to hear what other people think about the power of thoughts and what their balance is.

The Universal Law of Attraction
By Mohammed | January 11, 2007

It’s a common phenomenon. Almost everyone can relate. You start looking for a new car, something special, something not like anyone else’s, something unusual. You pick out what seems to be a unique, unusual choice of a special red car and all of a sudden, there it is– your red car, the one you thought was only yours. It’s on every street corner. It is at every stoplight. You see three of these red cars just driving down the freeway. You never saw these cars before. What happened? How did all of these people get your unique red car at the same time?

Well the fact of the matter is that your brain is seeing the red cars that were always there. Since you picked out this car for yourself, that car has become special for you and now you are noticing what was really there all along.

It’s called the “Reticular Activation System” or RAS. It is the part of your brain that automatically filters out what is not important to you and brings your attention to things that are important to you. We all have it. Many a Mom will tell you that they can pick out their own child’s voice within the chorus of many children’s voices. A Mom will be sleeping soundly through noise from many directions and her baby makes a small whimper and she’s wide-awake. Our brains automatically filter what is important and what is not important to us.

Basically the Reticular Activation System is how the Law of Attraction works. We get what we focus on; we create what we think about and the RAS system of our brains just helps this process along.

There are so many misconceptions regarding the Law of Attraction. It seems odd that if this is a Universal Law why people tend to argue with it. Nobody argues with gravity. Of course, gravity is not nearly so misunderstood.

The Law of Attraction is not a new concept. It has been with us since ancient times, which only makes sense if it is a Universal Law. It is mentioned in the Bible
“For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”
Proverbs 23:7

Buddha taught about the Law of Attraction
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become”
Buddha 562-483 B.C.

In the early part of the 20th century many books were written about the Law of Attraction, such as “As a Man thinketh” by James Allen, “The Master Key” by Charles Haanel and one of the most popular books of all time “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.

Yet there are those who still argue and express their disbelief. A common argument is that proponents of the Law of Attraction claim that all they have to do is think their lofty thoughts and all of their dreams come true. This could not be further from the truth. The thoughts create the opportunities and the ideas AND the motivation and inspiration to take the ACTION to make it come true.

The Joy in creating comes from developing and dreaming in your own mind but a large part of the FUN of creating comes from the Action taken. Not many achievers are content to sit on the beach and dream of success. There is no fun and there is no challenge in that. It’s a joy to dream the dream, to be attracted to the way and to take the action to make your dreams come true. Sitting on the beach daydreaming may be fun for an hour or two but how boring to live a life like that. Taking action to create your dreams is where the fun and joy in creating comes, not just from the dreams in your own mind.

So Dream the Dream and your RAS will take over and you will be inspired and guided on the right action to take. Take the Action and the Law of Attraction will bring your dream to you.

This article is included in the January 21, 2007 edition of the The Personal Development

05
Aug
10

Love is not a coldplay song


At least it shouldn’t be. Can I blame all my dating woes on a band? It sure would make things easier than taking personal responsibility for my failures. I mean, who really thinks they can fix someone? Here is a song about a guy who is going to fix this girl who’s hurting from what some asshole guy did to her… does that ever really happen? I sure haven’t ever accomplished fixing someone, not that I wasn’t having a professional therapeutic conversation with. In dating and love “fixing someone” never works, you can’t be someone’s therapist, unless you really are their therapist.

“Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start”

When does this ever happen? really? Does begging someone back ever work? I guess I wouldn’t know, I’ve never tried it. Somehow I picture a woman saying all of this as appearing needy, clingy, desperate and then called “crazy”. But when men beg me back, and they do sometimes, it usually is more along the lines of, telling me they want another chance because I did something wrong, with out ever saying sorry, or admitting any fault of their own, and the answer is always “NO WAY”. Would be nice to have one ask me back in this way, but like I said, love is definitely not a coldplay song.

“Nobody said it was easy” But why, why can’t it just be a little easy? I mean, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if we were all honest instead of saying “I’ve just been busy” or “I didn’t get your text” or any of the other numerous games we all play when we just aren’t that into someone. I am not saying I’m not guilty, I totally am, sometimes I just don’t want to deal with hurting someone’s feelings, because it’s not easy. Lets face it, some people don’t take rejection well, it’s why so many of us women online don’t reply with the polite “sorry I’m not interested” because then we get the “I didn’t like you anyway you stupid fat bitch” message in return. It’s easier to ignore certain people. I get that.

“No one ever said it would be so hard” I was warned growing up by numerous adults that love wasn’t easy, that it was hard work, and that when it’s real, it doesn’t always feel good or like you think it should. I was warned, apparently the majority of men weren’t? I’m the girl, I’m the one that is supposed to believe in the fairytale that will never come true, why do I get stuck being the realist and falling for men who keep looking for that ideal fairytale ending with the perfect princess? Love is hard, it hurts, you question it, you stumble, but you try because the good feelings are worth all the bad times a million.

“If you go, if you go ,Leaving me here on my own ,Well I wait for you” Who really waits? My last boyfriend asked me to wait, a week later he was online, looking for dates and denying it. He also said he was only on vacation and was coming back, not that he had moved back home. My bad for being stupid I guess. But really, do people wait? He has this theme of asking people to wait for him, and saying he’ll wait for them. Wait for what? wait for someone to be ready? what if they never are. In my experience if you wait for someone to be ready, it’s not that they aren’t ready, it’s that they aren’t ready for YOU, they will turn around though in 3 months, meet someone else, and get married to them. So don’t wait, either shit or get off the pot.

Love is most definitely not a coldplay song, I could quote a million other lies lines, oops, … Freudian slip? Perhaps. Maybe it’s just another one of my many rants. But I like my rants. I like writing in this blog. It clears my mind, I’ve been sleeping again, something that was starting to be a problem before I began writing. Back to the coldplay thing, sorry, I got off track. Love isn’t a song, it’s not an idea although it may be idealized. It’s funny that the band I’m comparing happens to be one I listen to a lot. Am I a hypocrite? Possibly. At least I’m honest about my conflicting thoughts and emotions. I put my crazy on the table, I don’t like to hide it away for random emotional outbursts. My mind is like a beehive, all those buzzing bees are thoughts, if I don’t let it out, well, you would really see what crazy was like.





This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 18 other followers

Calendar

July 2020
S M T W T F S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031  

Top Clicks

  • None