Posts Tagged ‘sleep

27
Jul
10

What Keeps Me Up at Night


It usually starts with a cat, I yell “JACK! leave your sisters alone!” into the darkness, I lay back down and drift back off and suddenly feel a thump. The dog lunges at the foot of the bed, at my feet, which now holds a twenty pound cat between them. I try to move my legs, but you try moving twenty pounds of dead weight on top of the covers between your legs at 2 a.m. I finally lean forward and knock him down again. I lay back against the pillow, roll onto my side and look at the clock. Stupid cat, I hope he leaves me alone now.

Now my mind turns to him, the most recent of my failures, I just realized I was dreaming about him again. He was lying next to me in my dream, the big spoon. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Now I’m angry and hurt all over again. Now I can’t go back to sleep. Now I have to pee, and the room is cold. So I get up and make a mad dash to the bathroom, sitting there shivering and peeing at 2:15 a.m. and run back and dive under the covers where it’s still warm between the memory foam and down comforter. Ahhhhhh, warm, feels good. I forget what was troubling me, at least for the next 3 hours and fall back asleep.

Five a.m., why am I awake when the alarm doesn’t go off for 2 more hours? I should be sleeping for a week, I took two benadryl at 10 p.m. The dog is on her back, legs in the air, snoring and barking in her dream, legs kicking wildly. I’m jealous of my dogs life. I roll over, I’m starting to get angry that I can’t sleep, this never happens to me. I always sleep, in fact I have the opposite problem usually, I can’t wake up, I’m always over-sleeping and running late, but for a week now, I’m up before the sun, staring into the darkness thinking. Thinking about him, about all of them, and wondering what I can do to fix what ever it is that is wrong with me. I know how to be a friend, so why don’t I know how to be a girlfriend? Why do they all run away? I remember my nightmare from a few nights about about spiders, don’t think of spiders, don’t think of spiders, crap, now I’ll really never go back to sleep.

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