Posts Tagged ‘too late

24
Aug
10

my own personal hell


So it seems karma found a better way to punish me this week. It seems Browns best friend will be at my work every day for the rest of the week. It will only be a few minutes every day I have to see him, but that is enough for him to report back that he saw me, how I looked and acted to Brown. CRAP! I really thought I had this douche bag out of my life. The last thing I need is some reason for him to try to contact me again. Guys that pull what he did, leaving things open without closure with me, always come back, or try. It may not be this week, but I do believe the impending doom feeling I was getting Saturday was this bomb about to be dropped on me.

It’s not like I care what his friend tells him, but I have to be very careful what I say so that he doesn’t get the idea I care what Brown is up to, or that I want him to call me. Quite the opposite. I want to make it clear I don’t, without saying it. I would have taken a week of vacation time had I known about this last week, then he would probably forget I existed when he stepped into my work, thinking Brown had told him I worked at a different location and he was mixed up. But noooooo, can’t play hookey or a whole week now, too late!

Yes, I'm talkin Kirstie Alley frump!

My friend told me to make sure I look really good all week so he’d report back to him how hot I looked. I’m not out for revenge, I don’t care enough, and I don’t want him to want me. I want him to go away. I’m afraid my reaction to his other coworker when he said the best friends name today might have been enough to spread the word. I’m pretty sure I turned bright red and spun around in my chair and said “fuck” under my breath a million times when I thought he stepped out the back door. So I plan to do the opposite of look pretty, I’m going to be a mess! I’m going to wear clothes 2 sizes too big, fat girl clothes, not do my hair at all, and wear no makeup, all.damn.week. Maybe, just maybe, his friend will only ask what he saw in me and that will be the end of the conversation. Think it will work? I’m not that lucky. Best I can hope for is Brown being the coward he is will only text me and I can ignore it and go on pretending he never existed. Right?

They always come back, always. “I was stupid, you are so amazing, I was just scared” or “I wasn’t ready to be with you” I even had one say “I really liked you but you had all these weird ideas about who I was”… uh, dude, did you really try to blame you being an asshole to me on “ideas” you thought I had? Uh, how about no, you are still an asshole, go away now! Buh bye now, run along! Much like Mr. NY’s email in desperation telling me to listen to “Amazed” by whatever country band plays that song. NO, to little too late bub. I’m done! But, thus is my life, and my luck, and this one will do it too, just a matter of time, and how big of balls he has as to what excuse he gives me and how. Oh well, at least I can sleep in this week, don’t have to worry about looking decent!

07
Aug
10

boo hoo, cry me a river


kinda looks like him too!

I woke up to an email from Mr. NY today.  Remember Mr. NY? He likes to get drunk and want me back. He’s still living in NY, headed to Croatia, but says he’s coming back for me. boo hoo dude, cry me a river. Who wants to read it? Ok…

“I’m so stupid I should of never left *insert state* or ur side past few days its all I could think bout.   If uve ever heard loneststar.  Amazed. I heard it tnite n I dropped to my knees asking god y I’m even here.  I’m comin back after I’m finished payin respect to my grandfathers grave in Croatia”

Sent at like 2 something a.m. from his blackberry. What is he thinking with this? I have no intention of replying to said message. I almost think I should reply though with some needy clingy message, it might be the only way to keep him away, but it could backfire too. If I ignore it, it will probably just drive him to further communication, you know how guys like a chase. On the other hand, should I reply saying not to come back? I don’t want him to come back and start trying to win me back. I don’t want him in my life or to go down that road again.

All I can hope it’s it’s more bullshit, that he isn’t coming back here. Things he did can’t be forgiven. I’d never trust him again. I was stupid to trust him to begin with. Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! is all i can think right now. I want some chocolate.

*Edit and update – I replied, it was mean, it felt good. He needs to know to leave me alone. I think this will do it.

“Stop *Mr. NY, stop lying to me, things have changed. I see things clearly now, you lied to me, a lot, about so many things that I won’t bother to list them now, and because you know what you lied about. I don’t doubt that you cared about me at some point, in some way, I think it’s why you lied about so many things, because you were scared I wouldn’t like you if I knew the real you, but when it turned to lies for manipulation reasons, I was done. I’ve changed *Mr. NY, I’m not the naive person you once met. I use to wish you would just be honest with me and I could know who you really were, that you would admit to all of the lies and apologize, that you would just pick up a phone and call me. I don’t wish for you to change anymore, this behavior is why your life is where it is right now. I don’t care to speculate on your reasons anymore. I think you are a coward, a liar, a manipulator, and not someone I want in my life. I don’t even care how mad this makes you because it’s all true, and I don’t want to hear it anymore. Goodbye Mr. NY. ”

*Mr. NY is substituted for his real name.

I think, hope, and yes, even pray, this will do it, that he will not reply, that he will leave me alone now. If he doesn’t, I won’t reply anymore. I’m actually really done. I hope he’s mad, I really hope he’s furious, I hope it ruins his weekend like he ruined so many for me. I hope with me finally saying what I wanted to say, how I really feel, that I can move on, and really ignore him from now on.




This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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