Sheep

Them

I went to a bar crawl Saturday night for Halloween. I am so disappointed in the city and people for their lack of Halloween spirit. Yes, people dressed up, but they were all the same… girls in short slutty costumes that weren’t even scary or halloween themed, and guys all either trying to be funny or macho, again, no scary. It was like watching a flock of sheep herded from one pasture to another. I only saw one other vampire, and she really was less than creative with it, only wore fangs with no other costume. Okay, no costume would have fit her rather gigantic size, but still, be more creative.

scared of an std maybe?

The winner of the contest was some guy dressed up as “1000 dildos”, yes, he had like 1000 dildos all over his body. LeSigh. I live near the most soulless, hypocritical, pretentious, city I’ve ever been to. Since when is Halloween about dressing up as slutty as possible to attract male attention? Really? I want to know when it lost it’s fright and became a sex fest? Or is just this city? Cause quite honestly, for the bible belt, the women sure do have a lot of fake boobs and bleached out hair they like to flaunt in VERY skimpy clothing while drunk and kissing another woman! The only thing scary about these women is what disease you

are you kidding?

may catch from messing with them! If only I’m kidding. As we left, I saw one group of people, dressed in real Halloween costumes. Out of the 5000+ that I saw all night. I’m sure there were a few more, but mostly, this is what I saw.

Me?

Maybe it’s me that needs to loosen up? Maybe I need to be more comfortable morally degrading myself for the attention of men, and in some of their cases women. Am I that much of a black sheep? I just feel like they are soulless, mindless, heartless, zombies or something down there. All made from the same cookie cutter and don’t have a mind of their own. They worship the disgusting slutty reality stars and celebrities that are out of control and think they are role models.

It’s not just Halloween that has me down, it’s a lot of things. Remember C1 and C2? I was with C1 Saturday night, she got a call from C2 saying she left something personal under the mattress in the guest room when she moved out in such a hurry. Of course C1 and I can’t wait to get home and find the dildo and lesbian porn that she is so embarrassed to have and make fun of her… not that we knew what it was right? But at least we laughed all night. When we finally did get back to the house to have a look under the mattress, we were right about only one thing. The dildo. The rest was quite a shocker. There was pot, a pipe, a spoon, a wire mesh thing, a baggie with white residue in it, and some sort of crack pipe/rock smoking pipe (I’m guessing, I’ve only seen them not handled one) that we didn’t take out of it’s bag to examine closer. C1 was furious that drugs were brought into her house, I wouldn’t have gone to the extremes to be rid of it that she did, but whatever. She smashed it all with a hammer, and threw it in a dumpster not near her house. But it does explain why C2 was so insane!

Sunday night we scared trick or treaters at her house. I dressed in  a black cloak with vampire makeup and hid in a tree. People thought I was a statue/prop, until I moved, and in some cases chased them down the street for throwing things at me. One kid about 14 got violent, but he was vandalizing my friends yard, kicking over a tombstone prop, when he saw me, he began swinging a large pillow case full of candy at me. I took him by the arm and marched him to the cop living next door, and then to his father who didn’t have a word with him until I got mad enough take the kid by the arm. I guess had I been a statue, his kid destroying property was ok, but since i was a human, he said something. Mostly it was pretty funny though, several parents saw me and set their kids up, some took pictures of me, some couldn’t decide if I was a real person or not. I was amused until the kid that tried to beat my head in with the sack of candy.

On yet another front of the weekend, my neighbor/hairdresser has been telling me I need to meet her fiance’s brother, that we would really hit it off. Friday night when I got off work, he was there on the back deck and we all started talking. We did hit it off in some ways, I could see being friends with him, but I just don’t care to date anyone. And should someone want to date me, they would have to really put forth a lot of effort with me, and be sure they are the right kind of guy for me because anyone who doesn’t think they can live up to my standards, well, don’t bother, I’ll just dump them anyway. Also, physically, he was a little “big” for me, dressed sloppy, and suspect he would feel quite comfortable with the sheep at the bar crawl on Saturday. Not that he went, he was going sailing at the beach. Which in at least one way makes him cool enough to be my friend, for now at least.

 

Which brings me back to the why don’t I want a boyfriend thing… I wish there was a man out there that met all the things I want in a man. What are those things you ask? Well first, he’s upfront about his intentions with me and understands my scrutiny in not just taking his word that he’s honorable. Did I mention he has to be honorable? I like the idea of old fashioned romance, I want to be courted, respected, by a man, not a manboy who can’t make up his mind or is too scared to go after what he wants in all aspects of his life. Not some moron who tells me how he feels via. text message or email. A big part is also intelligence, not necessarily book smart, but someone who is capable of knowing and doing good. Someone capable of reasoning and figuring out difficult situations. My list of apparently unrealistic wants goes on… but I won’t because quite frankly I don’t want to hear the onslaught of men telling me to lower my standards. I’d rather be alone.

I really feel like after the busy weekend I need to just retreat somewhere quiet and alone for a while. I just can’t deal with social things right now. I can’t deal with the sheep.

Virtue

World English Dictionary

virtue —  [vur-choo] noun

1. the quality or practice of moral excellence or righteousness

2. a particular moral excellence: the virtue of tolerance

3. any of the cardinal virtues (prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance) or theological virtues (faith, hope, and charity)

4. any admirable quality, feature, or trait

5. chastity, esp in women

6. archaic an effective, active, or inherent power or force

Of the things my mother didn’t teach me, Virtue would be one of them. I’d never consider her a virtuous woman by any means either. She’s been married 5 times, has 2 children with 2 different men. She left my father when I was 5 after having an affair, and my older brother catching her in the act by hiding in the closet with a baseball bat I might add!  Not only did she not practice a chaste life, it was lacking virtue in any way shape or form and she was proud of it. She talked to me as if her exploits as a single woman were normal, ok, and to be expected in this day and age. You know, being a modern woman and all, we shouldn’t deny our urges. I could go on for ages about how fucked up my family is and the lessons I learned as a young woman. But lets just say I can identify with Agustin Burroughs in Running with Scissors, even without ever being left to live with my mothers insane shrink. We had more than enough insanity in our own house. Somehow, I just knew, and thought my whole life “don’t be like this, this is not right”. I’m sure to some extent I caught some of the crazy, the lack of virtue, I’m definitely not a virgin or a saint, but I like to think I know right from wrong.  But, still, I don’t feel my virtue is intact.

Now myself being a modern woman, have formed my own opinions on these matters of right and wrong, chastity, and all the fundamentals of virtue. I’m not sure where I got my ideas from, seeing as they certainly weren’t morals handed down by my mother or father, but somehow I think I’ve figured it out finally. I’m not speaking from a Christian point of view mind you, I’m definitely not “Christian” in the sense I believe Jesus died for our sins, or even that he was in fact the son of god, or real for that matter. However non-christian, agnostic, or whatever you want to call me, I do find value in the lessons the bible teaches. Someone had to tell people not to have sex with farm animals, only have sex with your wife (prevents the spread of diseases), don’t murder, don’t steal, and not only to live this way, but to give them a reason to live this way. I’m sure the promise of heaven wasn’t enough for everyone, reason wasn’t enough, some people need the threat of punishment, the wrath of god. Who better to teach the word of god but his own son? It’s a great idea if you think about it. But, I’m not writing this to begin a philosophical debate on the existence of god or Christianity.

Something I wonder though, can you get virtue back? Or is it one of those things, like virginity, is lost forever? Is it possible for a man to see a woman who’s led a less than virtuous life in her past as pure now? For instance, a woman my age isn’t likely to be a virgin, quite frankly I’d find it a bit strange if I hadn’t made a few mistakes along the way, however, if I were to tell the next man I date that I had no intention of having sex again until I’m married, would he take that seriously? or would he still try figuring that unlike if I were still a virgin I wasn’t serious because I didn’t feel that way in my past? I’m not saying that is what I’m going to do, but I am considering it. Not as some sort of test of faith for the guy, not just because I want to be respected, but because I want HIM to want to respect me that way. Certainly the movies say it can be done, the list is a mile long of movies that show the man falling in love with the sinner, the whore, the bad girl gone good. Pretty woman, Moulin Rouge are the best examples, Gone with the Wind, Maid in Manhattan, Unfaithful, are all close enough. I know tons of guys who go for the bad girl, I mean, clearly if I use my own mother as an example, she’s had no difficulty finding a man, hell they all want to marry her! And she has NO virtue. BUT, as an insider looking at her life, and the level of happiness she has, I know I want more. I want someone who at least treats me as if all my virtue isn’t forever lost.

Growing up in a time where the above video was my role model, I can see where things went wrong for my generation and future generations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s blasphemous and I love it, but should I at 10 or 12 years old have been looking up to this woman? Singing this in the mirror and dressing like her? Or should my mother have at least had a conversation with me about what’s wrong with her and the message she is sending and not allowed my mimicry of her? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations now, I don’t know? But I think for the act of love you should be in love. And if there is any chance of regaining my virtue, I plan on trying.

As I always encourage responses, I do not wish to be preached to about what the bible says and doesn’t say, or anything about the philosophy of religion. Please keep your religious views to yourself if they intend to convert or condemn. If you choose not to, I will delete that type of comment.