The Unintelligent turnpike

So the guy I met while out of town a few months ago… took the unintelligent turnpike. I really can’t say if this quirk of his was something I just didn’t notice at first or if it increased as he became more comfortable talking to me. Needless to say I counted in one minute he said the word “fuckin” 14 times!!!! It was almost every other word, sometimes it was. Now he’s not a complete moron, but this speech pattern sure made him look like one and I just couldn’t handle it. Ex. I was walkin down the fuckin street and there was this fuckin dog, and it was fuckin huge, and it started barking at me and I was like fuckin A! So I fuckin ran, and it fuckin chased me, and I had to climb a fuckin fence and the thing was trying to eat the fuckin fence. See how annoying that is, and when he did it, somehow he said it more! I don’t know how, but he did, I’m not very good at incorporating that word in that much.

He really was a nice guy, but the thing about him and relationships, well, he’s just like me. He’s so like me in other ways, it was too much of my awesomeness for even me to handle. While I’m somewhat ashamed of my drug abuse in my past as a teen and stopped a long time ago, he revels in it. Talks about it nonstop. I think if he didn’t end up with a health condition that nearly killed him, he would still be taking mushrooms and acid on a weekly basis. And speaking of health conditions, ugh, he knows he has to eat low sodium, states he can’t eat this and that, then when I talk to him, he’s eating those things! As a nurse, I can’t handle that kind of unintelligent behavior.

The good news is, I didn’t even have to have the “lets just be friends” conversation. One day he was calling me, the next, I never heard from him again. So I’m sure he got the hint that I was annoyed with him, either that or my lovely sister told him I was annoyed. He’s going to visit my sister and BIL next week, and I know if said speech pattern emerges it will be all she can do to not run from the room laughing. I know I would. Sis is also looking at moving to where he lives, crap, that means all visits to her will be awkwardness……







the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Nope, not addicted to drugs, or booze, or shopping, I’m addicted to a frickin man. I can’t stop. I knew it was going to be like this the minute I met him, the first time I saw him I just knew. No, I didn’t see him and lust and think “omg, this is the hottest guy ever”, but I was drawn to him, kept looking and wondering why. Then we started talking and couldn’t stop talking. It’s been like that ever since. Every day, and the few days we don’t spend hours on the phone, it’s like withdrawal. I have imaginary conversations with him as I lay in bed.
I didn’t want this! I avoided this! I told him I’m a mess when it comes to relationships, I suck, and don’t really know why anyone would want one with me. But he keeps calling me, talking to me and now has plans to come visit me in July. Which scares me for many reasons. What if when he gets here I pull my typical sudden freak out and just don’t want him here anymore? Don’t say I won’t, cause I’ve done it before. When  guy invades my space for even two days I tend to freak out and never want to see him again, especially when I see no out of him going home. I can’t not do it, it just happens, and I can’t not hurt the person. Which with this guy, puts me in a weird situation with him being my brother in laws best friend!
On the other hand, what if I want him to stay? What if I want him to never leave? What if I fall for him even more so than I already am? I’m already waiting for the ball to drop on that one, the one where he decides he doesn’t like me anymore. The one where my heart breaks for the hundredth time and I go back to that bad place I have been too many times before.
I know I need to discuss all this with him, but I feel like there are certain things that should be said in person, except I’d hate for him to waste his money flying out here only to say “wow, you really are messed up, maybe we just shouldn’t go there” and then it’s all weird the rest of the trip. So I’m finding myself being forced to have this conversation via phone even though I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to say “be careful with my heart”, I want to be cool and easy going and just go with the flow and enjoy what’s happening. But, easy going girl is just not who I am I guess.
I wish I could just let everything in my past go and relax. But that girl is gone when it comes to my heart being on the line. So here I go, trying to find the right words to even begin this conversation.

Trouble of mine

I really just want to scream because I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone so quickly in my life! I want to claim this man as MINE! Whats worse is I’ve never even kissed him! We just met last week and I can’t stop thinking about him! This is sooooo not good!

Reasons it’s bad? Well first is the fact I don’t want a relationship! I’m totally emotionally fucked in that department! I’ve been broken for quite a while now and have done nothing to remedy the situation except avoid dealing with it, and avoid romance. I’m terrified of being hurt, terrified of hurting someone, and I don’t think my heart could take another loss. Secondly, the guy in question lives in another state, FAR away! I met him at an event! I don’t know how to even start a relationship, much less a long distance one! But I feel like I can’t stand to be away from him for another day, much less the weeks on end it would be if I did decide to give this a try.

It’s like this… on one hand I feel like it’s too late, I have already fallen for him, there is no stopping it, it’s like a train wreck and even though I keep trying to put on the breaks, I’m headed for a huge collision. I have a falling feeling and I’m trying to dig my heels in to stop from being pulled forward on a downward slope, but it’s not working, I just end up with muddy feet. I know it’s wrong, I am not good, and he really deserves someone good, someone better than me. So I think, is it worth it to put myself out there? Is it worth the risk? or hell, is it too late? Because I feel like if I step away right now it’s already going to hurt. And I know that’s crazy! The thing is I know he’s feeling it too, and I don’t know what conflicting emotions if any he’s dealing with because it remains unspoken right now.

We didn’t kiss cause quite frankly I was FREAKING out! I’d get nervous in those times we were alone and it could have happened and make it impossible. For the most part though, we were around my family. I also wonder if they had a hand in my meeting him, if my sister wasn’t playing cupid a little? It’s odd how much we have in common, really odd. And she’s suspiciously quiet, not asking anything, not a word, about the fact he stayed in my hotel room one night cause I was too drunk to drive him home. She didn’t ask if anything happened. So I am assuming she thinks something happened and is all grinning and shit.

I have to get him out of my head somehow, someway! I’ve tried exercise, cooking, reading, music, training for work; nothing replaces the images my imagination produces every time I so much as blink! No… nothing naughty, well most of the time.


Lets open a can of worms

Yup, it’s a big one!

I’m not really so much expressing an opinion one way or another, just more or less exploring my imagination and brainstorming the what-if’s of the political state of this country.

It seems to me we have come to a time of extremes in our political views. Maybe it’s always been this way but I was too young to see it, too wrapped up in my own life to notice before. But it seems the Democrats and Republicans are both at such extreme opposites right now, we are driving our country into such a rut that we may never pull out. I know, I know, it’s all about balance right? But if we are so balanced how will anything ever get done? And one way or another, there is no way to make everyone happy.

On one hand we have those that say things like “they should help…. ” insert whatever socially oppressed group you support. Then we have those that say “not with my money! I’m not helping ‘them'”.  Quite the conundrum isn’t it? I tend to be caught in the middle. On one hand I do think some things are worth government charity and taxation, on the other I personally don’t want to pay for it! Who does?

Then I consider this document…

This is what we were founded on, and what we try to base laws on, and run our government with. On one hand, did they know best? And if they did know and somehow foresee the future then boy have we mucked things up. On the other hand, maybe this document is outdated and should be rewritten for this time in history. I think our ancestors would certainly turn over in their graves to see the state of our government right now. Then again, who cares? It’s the twenty-first century! Things are different! We have a whole different set of problems now.

So here goes the can opener. I live in the south, in case you weren’t aware… In my area conservative political views have become polluted with conservative lifestyle agendas. Where I live conservatives want to eliminate big government, but also make everyone the same religion and make everything “free” illegal. It’s hypocrisy at it’s finest. “We want all our constitutional rights back! But not for you, not the other groups that aren’t like us”. First religious freedom is out the door, if you aren’t Christian, you get nothing, you get shunned, better yet, stoned! Same sex marriage, forget it! Illegal’s… deport them all, better yet, lets enslave them! (not really, just making a point). While the opposite, the liberals, want to increase taxes, to pay for… well, I’m not exactly sure yet. Healthcare? I know the conservatives will tell you they don’t want to pay for “those people”.

Why are we letting our social and personal agendas into politics?

I realize some of this affects us personally. But as far as government is concerned, it is a business, and religion and personal beliefs do not belong there! This is about how to get our nation out of a crisis! I have a GREAT idea! Lets split the nation in two parts. One side can be strong Democrats, no, lets make it full blown socialism, tax everyone a flat 50% (those that have money to tax), and let those that want all the programs have them. On the other side, lets go for the libertarian/tea party view, lets knock out all taxes at a federal level and get back to the basics of government. We can make it like an experiment, give it a set time limit, give one year to relocate those to the side they want to be on, then 10 years to stabilize the new governments and in the end, see which side fairs better! Then, there will be no more debate, no more fighting over social views. If one nation falls before, it forfeits to the other. Neither side can help the other. Neither side can attack the other as well, this isn’t war with each other, this is a economic experiment. Lets see if putting money in the hands of officials or the people is better.

I’m sure you all want to know who I think will win… the problem is I don’t have an opinion. On one hand, do I think most of the general public is too stupid to have their money in their own hands? yes, I do. I think many many will fail and they would have large groups of homeless people who couldn’t manage their money and now have no government to give them a hand out when they squander it all. Is this necessarily a bad thing? It would certainly weed out some of the population problem we face. Survival of the fittest at it’s finest right? On the other side, would everyone be so poor the government would be forced to keep increasing the flat tax to keep up the influx of defectors from the other side that couldn’t make it on their own? The whole circular thing of “If you tax me 50% I can’t afford to eat, so I use more government services, which then requires more taxes, which then takes more food off my plate, and continues the circle” argument.

I realize there is so much more to it, but I can’t see how either side is in the right. I lean towards the politically conservative, but the socially liberal. There is no category to put me in. I want all the social groups to have rights, but having rights shouldn’t cost money, shouldn’t be government supported. Again, my imagination runs wild with all the implications of either party getting their wishes. I’d like to hear others ideas, what they see in their imagination, what the implications of a strict right or left government would be like. Feel free to comment, but not to insult or be nasty.

*disclaimer- as stated in the beginning, this is just my imagination, speculation, brainstorming, not necessarily an opinion either way. I am taught in my profession to practice with a questioning attitude, and have learned to live my life as such. These are all “what if’s?”, sarcasm included for my own amusement, not intended to offend anyone and if it does oh well.


No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?

Is it that I’m punching you in the face?

For all the sadness I’ve had in the last year, I’ve now reached the point of anger. The visual I get in my head of kicking my many ex’s in the balls brings a true smile to my face. The image of punching the jerk in the face that keeps hitting on me at work despite the fact he’s married and his wife gave birth 3 days ago, makes me smile. Of course he asks “why are you smiling like that?” “who me? you mean this ‘cat that ate the canary’ look?”

No one knows, just me and you. When I get that look on my face, it’s cause in my head, I’m going Chuck Norris on someone. I’m frickin tired of all the bullshit in this world, I’m done, and I’m about to show the world how done I am. Apparently saying it to everyone means nothing, they continue to mess with me, so now I’m done with talk, now you get one warning, then I kick ass. This excludes work of course, since I can’t go around kicking men in the balls at work. But GAWD I’d love to get that little punk in a room alone backed against a wall. I’m tired of being nice, why do I have to be nice all the time? Especially to people I don’t like? Because I’m female? Because people expect women to be nice and smile at everyone walking down the street? Ha!

I will be the female equivalent to this picture. When people see this rock they will think, wonder if Chuck or Vendetta did this? What? you wanna piece of me?


Public service announcement – Anything said here can not be used against me in a court of law, this is a joke, I am not physically threatening anyone even though I am angry. If you can’t get my warped sense of humor, well, lets just say I’m smilin at cha’!

Ode to Valentines Day

Valentine, oh Valentine, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways….

I know I’ve mentioned my luck of the Bundy’s, but have I ever mentioned my Valentines curse? Cause I am, cursed. Not sure who’s responsible, but I’d sure like to give them a big karmic kick in the bum! Okay, maybe I’m not really “cursed”, but it sure is starting to look that way. In my life, I’ve had ONE valentine, yes you read correctly, just one. See, in the past, no matter how long I’m with someone, I always get the urge to dump the man I’m with at least a few days before the big love fest. Even in elementary school when you were supposed to put valentines in everyone’s little bag hanging on their cubbie, I managed to not get one from everyone in my class, I think I ranked lowest next to the girl that always smelled like pee and the kid who ate paste. It’s not that I was disliked so much as I just didn’t exist to most of the kids at my school.

The one Valentine’s day I actually did have someone, it was the someone who broke my heart the next year shortly after the diseased foul holiday. Oh he gave me a present for the second one, but kept acting funny and I never counted the second one with him since a few days later he cheated on me with some young hot thing that idolized him. One happy Valentine, that’s all I have had, that’s all I will get.

One time my friend dragged me to a Bruja, she was convinced it was a curse after watching me year after year go through the same thing. I admit, it was amusing, and strange. This house sat on a street like any other house in the neighborhood, so we walked in without knocking I think. The living room was empty of furniture and instead had groups of goth teenagers in circles around candles performing various things. The dining room had a group around a card table looking like they were performing a seance. Finally the Bruja came to greet us from one of the bedrooms, and asked us to come back. She read my cards like most fortune tellers and said I was cursed. My friend interpreted for me since my Spanish is well, horrible. My friend told me after we left the woman wanted six hundred dollars to lift the curse, along with a live chicken and some other unusual items. First of all, where would I get a live chicken? Secondly, uh just no. At least it was an amusing twenty five dollars spent.

At least this year, there is no one for me to dump or otherwise run screaming from. I’m glad this year I’ll be at work, surrounded mostly by married females, and hopefully not having to see too many pink hearts and fat babies wielding arrows, or people using the holiday as an excuse to show way too much pda!


The one thing that I can’t figure out

I feel like I’ve spent my life figuring things out, how to do certain things, to be successful at each individual thing. That’s the way life is supposed to work right? First you master eating solid foods, walking, talking, reading, friends, higher learning, career, love and family… then you start to work on some of the harder stuff. The all important “why am I here?” as in, this planet, not this house, although that does come into play along the way.

But the thing is this, I’ve never gotten there. I’ve never made it past career. Maybe things don’t always go in that exact order, but that’s the thing, this is where I’ve gotten stuck. Somehow, I skipped it and started working on the whole “why am I here?” question. Probably because I didn’t want to face the one I skipped. And then, I keep looking back, feeling like the one reason I am here is for love, and yet it’s the one thing that completely eludes me, the thing that slips through my fingers and at times stomps on my heart and laughs as it walks off hand in hand with one of my friends.

Every man I meet now is so wrong for me, I just know it, instantly, most of the time before they open their mouths. I feel nothing for them but simple friendship, or in many cases revulsion (lets face it, when you get older, what’s  left are the “my mommy didn’t love me enough” issues that I’m not down with).  Yet I want to feel more for someone, like I did when I was younger, like I still do when I think about the one I lost. Not as in I feel that way now, but I remember how it was. I think sometimes it’s karmic payback for hurting someone so deeply. To spend my whole life wanting what I can’t have.

I look around, at my friends and families relationships, and I see such little real love. I see cheaters, liars, drug abuse, convenience, obligation and secrets, so many secrets. Then I go to work, and hear secrets of my patients. The mistress in the waiting room while the wife asks me how he got to the hospital. The wife who asks “who called 911 if he was unconscious?” and I have to tell her to talk to the police because I can’t face telling her the person who called 911 was a hooker who ran out the back door. She devoted her whole life to a lie and as soon as she turned her back, look what he did! I obviously can’t tell whole stories here, it’s against the law, but these are things I see at work every day. I don’t see the devoted husband who had a heart attack making love to his wife of 40 years. And so I ask myself, is it possible? If these people can’t find it, and neither can I, is it possible at all? Can anyone? Who am I, how am I so special that if so few other people can find that one in a million spark of real love with someone, that I should?

So I ask myself again, why am I here? What is my purpose? I know many will say I should pray about it, ask god. I don’t think I believe in god, I’m truly agnostic in the sense that I see no evidence of god, I never have. I use to pray when I was younger, because I thought it was what you were supposed to do, that and most kids live on that magical thinking, but not once were my prayers answered. Nothing ever changed in my life that I didn’t change myself.

I tell one of my good friends to find happiness within her self. I’m such a hypocrite. I don’t think I’ve really felt happy in a long time. Yes, I think I have peace to a degree, I’m comfortable in my routine, there is zero drama in my life. But there is no joy. So where I stand now is, I’ve met all my life goals; own house (check), new car (check), education (check, check, check), dream job (check),  except… love of my life (   )…yes, that’s an empty check box. What makes it worse I think, is that I know looking for it, trying to make it work with someone else doing the same thing, never works, I’ve been there. But I’m also so use to working towards a goal I know how to meet. All of my check boxes are tangible things with steps to reach each goal. There is no step to finding true love, it either happens or it doesn’t.  So here I sit, waiting and wondering, what’s left for my life?

This is Meeeeeeeeeeeee!

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September 2019
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